Again I am feeling that I am not in the right place. It took me so very long to even entertain the idea of going to church again after my first real church home ended in shambles and left me with a broken heart. The last church ended so badly, that talking about it still bothers me. I know that things change and grow and evolve, people change, people always change it's just a fact of life but I am not feeling at home in the church that I am in. I have realized that, I even walk in the back door because I feel like a burden. When I walk in the front door, there is that feeling of dread , when a few people see you and you can see the thoughts oh my god what do I do, do I turn away, isn't there somewhere else I could be, someone else that needs a hug or a handshake ? Those are the thoughts that of coarse I don't know for sure but actions speak louder than words and that is what I see that is what I feel.
I have volunteered in the nursery almost since I decided this was the place for me. And I love it. I love those little's they make me smile, and I enjoy every second with them. From the beginning, it's always been little things little comments, little ignores, little everything's that are now leading to big things. When I said that I could serve in the 9:30 service there were the comments well we really need someone for the eleven….When I volunteered for the Halloween trunk or treat, and no one else showed who stayed there all night in the booth to make sure it was covered, I finally grabbed the youth leader and asked for some help so I could take Vincent and Mariska around. Its stupid little things that have turned into big things.
Finally the last straw was I missed some meeting. It was a big important meeting, since the children's ministry will be moving rooms and things will be crazy until the building expansion is complete. I understand it was important. I also understand that I could not smile and pretend everything was fine, there was nothing left of me to attend the meeting. I understood that but there was nothing left of me it was a really rough week, I had so very much going on and I just couldn't stay that late at church. So I emailed the children's director and told her I have a lot going on I am so very sorry that I missed the meeting but there was just not enough of me to go around. And blah blah, about getting ready for DC and some of what I have going on. And crickets I heard nothing. I was more than honest wanting her to understand and nothing. Fine send another email the next week, a friend offered for me to visit her church so I will not be in the nursery then I leave for my documentary and I gave her the dates. All I get back is well tell me who is going to fill in for you on those dates? WHAT? Really, who am I supposed to get to cover me, I don't even have a clue. I am not fitting in; I am not connected to anyone other than Jen who I work with in the nursery and the kids. And the one family that I love that brought me here to begin with. And I love the youth leader and his wife, and their new little ones, twin boys. I am not a joiner HA SHOCKER; I need someone to guide me along. I have a ton of questions and most of them are not easily answered some don't have answers at all, but I need people being ok with my asking them anyway. I told her that I wasn't doing very well and all that is going on with me and nothing….no care or concern ….So I am thinking that I will tell them this just isn't working for me and I will stay until they find someone , at least through the summer.
And the thing is, I do like it there, I do like the pastor I think he is genuinely a good guy, he means well he truly does but he doesn't have a clue what in the world to do with me and I can feel it I can tell, and I feel like a burden being there. He says the right things but something isn't right.
I need peace and understanding right now, I need someone to hear me, I need people to be patient. Maybe I am just trying to hard there and I need a break. I want so much for them to understand me but I think I am trying too hard. I need people to walk beside me, along side me. I am not leaving yet. I am just saying the nursery isn't a place for me right now, and I am not sure if this church is, I am not going to make any quick decisions I am giving myself some time, but I will step back from the nursery, I will give them until the end of the summer to find someone to fill my spot, I am staying for the kids because I love them, because they make me happy. I am stayig because mychldren love it there. But I need to find a place where I fit, where I will feel listened too, where someone can walk beside me as I try to figure this all out. So I am not sure what is next, but I feel the feelings that are stirring and I need something different. So here I go again.
You know people talk about their people. And I have always been jealous, VERY JEALOUS. People that love you, that have your back no matter what!!!! People that share the same interests that you do, they have things in common with you. Now believe me I know that this is difficult I know that I am weird, that I am different, that I see things differently, but there has to be people out there for me somewhere!!! Right ? I know that I am not a joiner, and that is ok, that is just part of who I am ! I never have been, I'm not outgoing and popular; I am not into the latest trends and fashions; I just am not. I know I talk a lot about how different that I am , and that's just a fact, but there has to be people that can understand that and walk beside me and join in my craziness and pull me out when I need to right ? There has to got to be someone like me somewhere?
Maybe ? Maybe? Could it possibly be ?
I am not saying that I don't have any people. Please know that. I have some really great amazing people in my life, but I don't have every day my people. I can go weeks and not have a real conversation with anyone about the things that matter to me. That makes me sad, and I know a huge part of that is me. I don't get to share my day or even my heart on a daily basis and that can sometimes be really hard. I want to, I want to share the things that are important to me, and I have looked for people; but I tend to look in all the wrong places and I end up retreating even further into myself. Believe me, I know its all my problem, and I don't make it easy, but goodness. Even when I reach out it often doesn't work well. I try oh I try more than hard, probably too hard sometimes and I am just the odd man out.
Someone recently pointed out the things you can tell about me on Face book. And I think yep, that's true and they were children/teaching, whales and my past. Yes, I totally agree that fits and I am not willing to change any one of them. Face book is a funny thing really, the things that matter to people, the things that are important to people. I am all me for Face book, I am what I am, that is all there is. The good the bad and even the ugly. Children and teaching and keeping them safe yes that is a passion and that is something that I will always do. I was a little girl that slipped through the cracks, I was used, abused and ignored for most of my life. I know what it feels like and I will do everything in my power to keep other children safe and sound. I will go above and beyond to make sure that I notice each child exactly where they are. Oh that's what little ones want, they want you to see them and acknowledge them and smile at them like they are the only little people on the planet. Not in a selfish kind of way either, just a gentle smile and they know that they matter that they are important. Whales, yes whales. Can you feel my heart smile and breathe? Whales are my happy place. If you have ever had one conversation with me, you know that whales are my lifeline, whales mean more to me than most people will ever understand and I get that I really do but I will keep trying. Whales kept me alive kept me going through so much. Whales were/are a connection for me, that I have never had with anything else. When I had no connection to anything around me, there was whales. When I didn't care about anything, I cared about whales. I guess you could say I never really had people but whales were there, whales were something that I understood and I felt understood me. I know that's crazy, but its so true for me. Everything that was so ugly in my life and whales were full of a gentle, beautiful grace that I longed for. And of coarse there is my past. My friends I am sorry but there is just no way around it. Its a huge part of who I am and where I have come from. I am still healing, where I have come from its more than amazing, to be where I am. I have come further than I ever imagined and my past is turning into something that means something. It still hurts like hell a lot of the time, but I am a fighter, I am a survivor and I will make it. I share my past to make a difference for others. There are so many survivors out there, and the more that we speak of the atrocities that have happened to us; the more of a difference that we can make. It's not pretty and people don't want to hear it, but I am still going to speak it. BUT people it happens all the time to people that are your friends, siblings, neighbors, coworkers, and we all need to support and care for them. People talk about letting go, and I understand that, if it were just a light switch, that would be so easy! Newsflash it is NOT! Everything I know comes from the things that have happened to me and until women are heard and cared for and listened to that have been through similar things I will keep talking about my past to make things better for them. I know I often must sound like a broken record, I just want more than anything for people to hear what I have to say, truly hear. I am just trying to make sense out of this crazy life that is mine. So yep those are the things that I care about the most, that I will fight for and defend with my life.
With all of that I understand that well yea that absolutely makes me the odd duck, but somehow, someway there has got to be a place for me to be embraced and understood. I have been in a bible study for the past 8 weeks with other survivors, and its amazing sitting in a room full of other women and all of us understanding where the others are coming from! None of us have shared our stories but there is a bond; an understanding that I have craved, for a very long time. I have that bond at my school, working with the kids that I do and the other teachers that I work with, there is a genuine love and concern for those kids. I can tell you I have a really really rough self contained classroom. And that teacher will just have things thrown at her and her walls torn apart, She will get screamed at and I could go on and on. She is right there with a hug for that same student, in a matter of seconds. I can tell you that right now she is absolutely exhausted, but she shows up and puts in 110% all the time. And she gets frustrated, and upset but those kids never know it. And that is greatness, it matters to those kids and it matters to me.
The other day at work some women were talking at lunch about dating and all this stuff and that is just so far out of my league, its not even funny. I don't understand and don't have a clue. I ended up just walking away, there was nothing for me to contribute, nothing to say and so I say nothing at all. They would say things about what they wanted and what they liked and say "you know? " like wanting compliments and wanting attention and certain things and NO, I don't at all know, I actually don't have a stinking clue!!!! There are just some life things where I am just clueless and they are out of my league. There are things that don't make sense for me and I am not being disrespectful, its just that I don't understand right here where I am. And that's ok, that is the way that it is. Like some don't understand my love of whales, I don't understand their need for dating or wanting that attention. And I also understand that again that makes me the odd duck out.
I crave people understanding and listening to me. I want to talk about the things that matter to me and my heart. I think in that way I am really selfish, I want to find people that I have things in common with. And a few of my favorite people are people that I have nothing in common with but they love me, anyway . Those are just plain once in a lifetime special people. And that's not saying those are the only people I want around but those are the people that are going to be my people. I thought once that I found that with a group of women, and it was kind of amazing. I have to say. I thought that I belonged that I was important that I mattered but as fast as it came , out of sight out of mind and it was nothing that I thought it was.
So what I need are things that I am working on, that I am trying to figure out. That someday I hope to have. I think that I am getting pieces, and I have more than I ever have but there is still a longing that there are certain things that I just don't have that I really want. And the problem is that I am scared. I am scared to want the things that I do. I am scared to want people in my life and have them stay and be a part of my world. The ins and outs of the everyday. I am scared that people will run, I am scared to make an idiot out of myself, to be a dork, to be different but truth be told I am different and if you know me you know that to be very very very true !!! And I want to say I am sorry ; its just me.
So I need to find a group where I fit and I am not sure where that is, in what state in what group in what area. I need a group that shares my love of whales, and I am working on that. I have a group at work that I am connecting with and am truly a part. I am working on finding a group that I can connect with about my past and that is happening too. I am going to DC and am going to be with a group of people that also refuse to be silent and refuse to let the monsters of the world win, these people believe in justice and truth and the things that are good for my heart. So I do believe as hard as things have been I am heading in the right direction I just wish that at times things would go a little faster, and I would be a little , ok no a lot less stubborn and hard headed. So here's to those of us who stick out, don't belong but desperately try, someday, I will be comfy in my own skin, with my own story and the things that make me ME. So please don't give up on me. Callahan, fight the fear and do it, great things are waiting, you have to believe and want it more. If you have gotten this far , you have to listen to the words of this song. It's so important.
Fear by Blue October
This is perfect. I am trying.
I heart your heart to those that have stood by me and my crazy self. I love you. You know who you are.
So this afternoon was rough. One of those afternoons that blows up in a matter of seconds with anger all in the wrong places and at the wrong people and lots of tears. All the anger came from me, and it was all directed someplace else than really where it should be! Those kind of nights are rough,I end up walking or well storming away from the table at dinner and just cleaning I don't know what else I should do, just clean just make everything clean again, that seems to be an escape of mine .....Something I got good at just clean up the mess and pretend that everything is ok when really its falling apart at the very seams.
And it all came from counseling this afternoon. Starting from the beginning AGAIN, the history all of it, the big pieces and oh my god, its just so much for one person to bare. Being totally frustrated, no one did their job, no one listened no one heard me EVER. And It all blew up this afternoon something minor that turned major in a....
MATTER OF SECONDS
I mean thats how things usually happen right, in the blink of an eye and its done. It was like that tonight. Vincent and Mariska were at each other he is a mother hen and doesn't leave her alone. She had enough, and the tears started, a few seconds earlier we were all in the kitchen making dinner together. She started crying and I aked her what was wrong, she said nothing as tears rolled down her face.....I asked again and again same answer and I got more than Angry I tried to make a joke out of it, she does this a lot but this afternoon I was done!!!!
You see because growing up for me, I would have given anything for someone to ask how I was, ask what was wrong, see me and acknowledge that I wasn't ok . And here I was asking my own daugher and she shrugged and didn't have an answer and I was furious. I was dying to be asked, and yet here I am asking her and I get nothing. It was not pretty for anyone and then things calm down and you , well I realized where it came from and realize just how much that I am still affected by my story, that things sometimes bother me a lot and that wow, I have still have work to do. I know there is some big word for it, and a reason why it ws so awful but that doesn't make it ay easier.
Poor thing was crying so hard she couldn't breathe and It was my fault. Because I wasn't really angry at her at all, she had kept the laundry going and folded and put away all the laundry while I was gone. She took out the trash she did it all and I didn't even ask her to then I blow a gasket, and I realize as they are peacefully sleeping that it was me, that in a matter of seconds the anger inside exploded onto my children and it just wasn't fair. And I am more than sorry. I don't have the right to explode on them, because I am all they have. Good thing tomorrow is another day, I am gratefull.
Wow, someday I am going to like birthday's right? I mean I am really trying for my children, they get so excited, but me, I dread them I would rather stay in bed with my head under the covers and fade away. Many have not been fun. So I try to think about life over the years and don't have a clue how to go back and look them all over. Se we can do them in 10 years the first 10 the second 10, third and then the fourth. Yes I am hitting being on this earth for forty years. Some days it feels like such a long time others times it feels like it was just the blink of an eye. Either way life is life and so much has happened. Life has been hard life has been brutal life has been nothing that I have ever expected. I have learned so many things and have so much more to learn. I have done things that I didn't believe I was strong enough for and I have let others in that have changed my life forever. I am wrong this birthday I don't really want to stay in bed and cover my head I just want to be proud of where I have been and where I am going. Things are better than they have ever been, and I am really hard on myself that I am not further along, that I am not on my own, that I am not stronger that I am not skinnier that I am not more likable. And I have to stop and breathe. I am doing the right things, I have a real job in a class that that I love, where every day I am making a difference. I am here, I am breathing, and I am looking forward to more birthdays and more living and finally my very own happy, someday soon. This year its important for me to see where and what I have come from and give myself room to be me, room to be sad , be happy, be angry, Room to let people in and know yep these are the scars but this is where I am going.
The first Ten years were more than hard more than confusing; they were unimaginable; even at times for me. Life started out so very wrong. I don't remember feeling loved, being cared for. My earliest memories are not good ones and I can recall every detail from colors to scents and even sounds. And there are days that I sometimes still experience them all. I see and hear and smell the things from all that time ago. I had people around me but was alone in the world. At five I would pray to die, when we would all have to hold hands and say our nightly prayers, mine was not to wake up and have to endure any more time with my father. Things were so terribly bad. People have asked what kept me going and I am not sure other then something super miraculous. There was a drive, a need to protect all the things around me even being that small. Whether it was the children that my mother watched, or the little bugs in the backyard, there was a need, no more like a passion, a drive to keep things safe and sound. Its amazing looking back the moments that stand out. The moment that I realized I was totally on my own and there was no one that was going to keep me safe. I remember that exact moment, my legs still shaking from being raped, the tears wouldn't stop. I was standing in the hallway looking towards my parents. I wanted to run to my father tell him that I didn't tell, I wanted him to be proud of me. I stood there and absolutely knew I was on my own. Another moment came with Albert. He started hurting me when I was a little older, well a few years. By The time that he got to me, I knew what was expected, what I had to do. So for me there was no escaping, this abuse was my life. Albert raped me in the back of his van in the park, then killed my tadpoles and said that next time I wouldn't fight. I know take a deep breath. My life. Elementary was rough. I felt so very different, I watched the other kids all the time, and I wondered what their lives were like. I was forever exhausted, always alert, so of coarse school was more than a struggle. I could watch but never be a part. Really who would want to play with me, the things that I had to do. There was nothing to share; there were not things in common. Finally in third grade I learned to read, I had the most amazing teacher and she made me feel special. I remember one year in school being really sick, and I walked into the wrong class, if felt like everyone was huge, and there was little old me. I had a super high fever and couldn't even find my class. Amazing the little things you remember, feeling so small and invisible. I just went day to day, doing what I had to do. I can remember being invited to a birthday party and I got excited and did something with the chair and I broke a little box and I felt so incredibly awful, I was sure that I could not do one single thing right. There was my Birthday party my fifth grade year and no one showed up. I don't remember much, which was kind of my normal. People don't show up. I also got my period that year lets just top something else on my already overflowing plate. My father was more than angry, I can still see his eyes oh he was so almost rageful at me, just another reason that I hated being a girl. I was not living, I was merely breathing by default.
So from 10-20, things were not really any better. I shut down more and more from the world. I was different. I didn't have the luxury to enjoy normal teen life and normal teen things. My life was something that my peers simply could not comprehend. I would smile and was so polite but inside I was dying, every day hurt. Middle school is not a fun time any way at you look at it then add the things that were happening to me and it was a hellish time. I was the loner, I was scared and alone all the time. I wanted to be in Band, wanted to play the flute, she said that my lips were not made for that instrument and had me play the cornet. We had no money and couldn't get approved for a shiny new instrument and someone had one that I could borrow. I was grateful and tried to be excited, but it was hideous. We tried, I tried but it was awful. It was many shades of brass with a case that showed its age. We tried to cover it in black tape and stickers but I felt terrible and once again I was different. And I had to put it in some small closet, not with all the other shiny new instruments. And each day in band I was embarrassed, I had the world's ugliest instrument, I couldn't read the music and was always last chair. Once I was second to last though, that was a good day, and I cold still show you the finger positions. I withdrew from everything. The answer from my parents was to send me to youth group at church. That made me feel terrible anyone that ever hurt me, went there. The older youth group that I wasn't old enough for but they all said oh she is so mature.....But I wasn't so mature I was just slowly dying inside. I tried to be normal do normal things but for me not one thing was normal. So summer of 88 there was this christian youth weekend and I went and for one night I danced in front of everyone, I felt normal I danced, and laughed and felt special. I had met Don. He noticed me and I thought he was a good guy, only I was very wrong. He showed up at my house weeks later and raped me. Then some weeks later brought 4 friends and i was gang raped while my parents were presenting at some christian healing weekend. I didn't want to live. Why so much in one life. With that I found my love of whales and they were the only things that kept me sane. They were my lifeline, my sense of family that I longed for. They were a connection in this world when I wasn't connected to anything at all. High school was hell, I would see Don around, I was harassed, I was laughed at, and I spent lunches in the library alone. It was quiet and I didn't have to worry about anything there. Summer of my junior year, I went to Germany; it was an escape, an experience that I will remember forever. I felt free for a time. I enjoyed life, I laughed. I met Yan; he made me smile, he made me feel safe. I laughed, I had deep meaningful conversations. I had people care like I had never experienced. I didn't have a history there and didn't have to look over my shoulder at every turn. I returned to my senior year. Most people enjoyed the year activities I did not, It was a reminder of the things I didn't have and wasn't involved in. I was alone and scared but again there was something inside, I was a fighter. Bob had back surgery and was supposed to die, he did not. The Dr's told us to pick flowers out for his funeral, he had not one but three blood clots go through his heart and yet he survived, I will never understand that. For a few weeks he was kind, he was different, that only last a short time ad same old mean man was back. I was not going to let anything get me. And I fought, and I kept breathing. Finally 1993, graduated from High School. I was so glad to be done, not sure how exactly that I made it. But I did. And my grades were not great but I always knew that I wanted to go to college. And the next spring I enrolled at Collin County I was a college student; I was going into Child Psychology.
Which brought me into my twenties. I was busy with school. It was still more than difficult. There were so many things going on in my head, and trying to learn was close to impossible. I was trying to do everything and it just wasn't working. I was fighting but I wasn't winning. Home was a mess, Bob was more than crazy, he hated me, and it got to the point that if no one else was home, I wouldn't even go home. He told my mother that I was a bitch and that he hated me; I knew it though even with out her telling me. He was doing totally strange things. He killed all of his fish in our salt water tank, he electrocuted them. He was crazy and would do wash early in the morning, and then we would have no hot water for our showers. He wanted to control EVERYTHING. Scaring you was funny, and making you jump was hilarious. Finally around 95 I think, my parents got divorced. Talk about relief. We were so very happy and so very afraid. I can remember the night that he left and my mother and I lying in bed, just waiting, I can't tell you what she was thinking but the thought that he was going to kill us crossed my mind. He was that crazy and that angry, I was that scared. And that man had the nerve to ask me for a kiss before he left the house that night. Such a monster. Things were free for a time, we didn't have to worry about how much noise we were making, or if we were going to bother him. The last time that I saw him, I went to where he worked and showed him my new car. I don't remember what was said, remember it was awkward, and there wasn't much to say. Time passes, I continue with school, work. Trying to breath in this life that was mine. I contacted my uncle in Boston; there was a connection there that I was longing for. We talked back and forth, and made plans to visit. When I first saw him it was amazing how much that he looked like my father. I was a little scared. And that first morning, I came downstairs from my shower. We were sitting at his kitchen table, and he said "Did your father ever do anything to you," I am pretty sure that I was in a state of shock. No one knew and I began to cry. And he looked at me and said me too. I wasn't the only one. What in the world does a person do with that? We talked and we cried and talked some more. I wasn't the only one. Someone else knew. It was freeing and so very heavy at the same time. What could I do about it? How could we make it better? In talking and both of us remembering and trying to figure things out in the weeks to come, there was talk of my father being a crossing guard; getting remarried and she had a daughter. My blood was boiling, I didn't want rumors, or well we think this is what is going on. I wanted to know things for sure. There was again something in my soul that was going to fight with all that I had to make a difference and keep others safe. There was just so much going on, somehow I had gotten his address and I was on a mission to find his house and find out if he truly had a daughter. And I found his house on that cold rainy day and he lived not even 10 minutes from where I lived. I found his house and I saw her little pink bike. He was living with a little girl. And I knew now that I wasn't the only one, and that men like him do not stop and I had it in my bones I had to do something. And I made the decision that I was going to press charges on my father and make him accountable for what he had done and keep another little girl safe. I would never want any other child to feel the things that I have felt and experience life the way I did. No one was there for me; I was going to make sure that I was there for others. It was such a long draining process. I met Det. Plemmons and was more than grateful, hewaskind and caredfor my heart. Eventually he took a plea, but spent a almost a year in jail since he couldn't follow probation. I was numb for I would say 95 percent of the process. I was on my own and it was just too much. When it was over, I never got relief, I never felt like I accomplished anything, I never felt that relief that freedom that I had stood up and made a difference. I was not doing so well after the trial. I was on a fast downward spiral. I didn't have a purpose, my heart was broken and there was no direction. But through it all I continued with school, continued breathing and moving forward. I was still in contact with people in Boston trying to make sure that Angela was safe. I found out there was a case against him in Boston and I wanted everyone to know that I would fight for Angela the way that no one fought for me. That case was dismissed my testimony was inadmissible. But I eventually testified in Angela's case when DSS decided to take her mothers' rights away. And the judge said that I had compelling testimony, and was grateful for my being there. I had to let others know what he was capable of, I wanted someone to hear me and keep others safe. Not sure that I did my job but Angela didn't have to grow up in a hell like I did, and for that I was grateful. I was in my late twenties, and going downhill even faster. I am seriously not sure how I survived. I was living dangerously, very dangerously and I didn't even care. There was no point, no nothing, but that drive to keep going to make a difference was just so strong. The decisions that I was making were so very dangerous. I realized just how dangerous when I met a guy online and sitting in his truck he said I could snap your neck right here and no one would ever know. Yes that dangerous, and I didn't have a clue. There was nothing left to take, nothing that hadn't already been done. I had hit rock bottom. And I didn't care. No one really cared. Finally my late 20's I just wanted to be normal, do normal life things whatever that was, I wanted it but didn't have a clue what it was. And I met someone online and we were supposed to go shopping he worked for Raytheon and was taking a contract out of the country. And he was going to take me shopping with him. Or so I thought. He had no intention of going shopping. So my 29th year was my biggest blessing and worst shame.
So this was my biggest blessing I became a mom and I had something to live for. I remember taking the pregnancy test and I was shocked, scared and excited. I lay on the floor and I cried with my dog Rizzo. Animals were always my people. I was scared that I wouldn't give them all that they deserved. My two sweet babies were all that mattered. How they came to be, what I went through was behind walls of steel. My two babies not one; but two babies were my life. Two little people to care for and comfort and teach all the good things in life. I was going to give them all the things that I have never had. I was able to stay home with them and I can tell you not one single second of their little life did I miss. Since I wasn't working, I had to let go of my most amazing Mustang. The kids were not even one, and I can remember sitting on the floor and holding them crying, thinking its ok it's just a car, it's just a car. It was my cool car, and I was more than sad. Finally when they were 2 1/2 I went back to school. Oh those first few semesters were more than hard. Linguistics, Algebra, science. Again there was this drive, I had to finish it wasn't just for me anymore. There were many late nights, lots of homework. Some failed classed because there just wasn't enough of me. More classes, trying algebra again and again. And my children were starting school how in the world did that happen?!? Already they were already 5 years old. Oh I think my heart grew with every smile every accomplishment. Vincent was in gymnastics and was really good. He was talented and had these amazing little muscles; he had amazing coordination and was so strong. That got expensive, and I was still in school. First grade I started subbing on the days that I didn't have classes. Yes I loved the classroom this was exactly what I needed to do. Second grade came we finally had a name for all of Mariska's symptoms, Ectodermal Dysplacia, TRPS. WOW so many things began to make sense, and now we knew what to do to help her. Me I was falling apart, my heart was heavy and hurting. My past was HUGE and having a terrible impact on my life. Then things began to happen that I still can not explain. I met the most important people of my life, and that changed everything forever. They showed me things that I was never taught, they showed me the good kind things in this life. They believed in me when I didn't. They held my hand, when I couldn't even stand eye contact. They cried with me and celebrated with me. They were the first to ever care for my heart the way that they did. I loved them deeper and stronger then anything I had ever known. I was finding a place where I belonged, and my world felt like it was coming together. Then the next thing I know; they were moving and literally the world stopped. How could I finally find something so amazing only to have it taken away??? I will never forget saying good-bye in that beautiful empty house, so many people were there! And that last hug, I didn't want to let go; seeing the moving vans out front. Oh I wanted to beg them to stay I still can't put words to those feelings. I wanted to hide in one of those moving vans and hope that they wouldn't notice. I wanted to scream please please just take me with you...PLEASE. But of coarse I didn't. One of the HARDEST things ever, I cried for weeks, if I saw a car like theirs and sometimes I would just drive by their house, I know that sounds crazy but you have to understand, when you are in your thirties and have never had some of the kindness and love like they gave me, its a tremendous loss. And it still hurts sometimes, but I know that they aren't going anywhere. Things were getting worse and worse at home. I was looking for places for single mothers to stay. All of them that I looked into, Vincent and Mariska were too old. I was looking into everything that I could, nothing was working. Such a miserable time. Then tuition for school was a problem, they were saying I exceeded financial aide, for the number of hours that I had. I could have had more than one Bachelor, probably a Masters or two, I had that many hours! I know, believe me I know. There was always so much going on, no I never stopped with school, but it did take me an exceptional long time o finish. FINALLY FINALLY I had all the paperwork in, and was ready to start my student teaching. I was so excited it was really happening and I was also very scared, something was happening that I had been waiting on. And there came a conversation with my mom, I was crying sharing my heart with her, how hard I was working, things I was going to be doing. There was no emotion no feeling for me, and she said like I was nobody," Well I have to figure out my feelings for you "and it felt like my heart had been dropped, and I was done. There was no going back. Then there was an email that was left out, a conversation between my mother and some woman from church calling me names, saying terrible things about me that, that were crushing, that were not the truth, that were not me at all. I was selfish, unmotivated, I lacked self esteem, I had a peace breaking spirit, ME a peace breaking spirit ? No never, I was a lot of things but not that. I was shocked, and more than hurt. I was 38 and finally in my last semester of school. The same day that I saw that email an amazing women had invited the kids and I for dinner, I almost canceled I was so crushed, but that little voice inside, said go go go. And I went, and my life would never be the same. This has been one of the BIGGEST blessings of my life.
SO I finished school, finally at 39 and graduated May 2014. It was more than amazing, people came from far away and I had the most amazing party that was so me! I passed my certification tests, and all was well. And I went on interview after interview, and still no job. I was more than disappointed and felt like I let people down. I have a degree now, and I should have a job. I Applied to be a substitute in Plano ISD and that went well, I figured get to know the schools, see where I could get my foot in the door. In November I was invited to Colorado for Thanksgiving, and it was more than perfect. I recharged and was ready for life again. While I was there, the principal from Lakeview called asking me to be a long term sub. I was more than torn. DO I stay in Plano, taking random sub jobs, or drive to Little Elm every day and have a Long Term Sub position, and know that until March I have a job. It was such a hard decision; I didn't have a clue what I was supposed to do!!! Taking the job was a sure thing, but did I really want to be in Little Elm, when every door there was shut for me. Or stay in Plano and not have a permanent pay check. So I took the job in Little Elm, I can not depend on others my entire life. But then Hedgcoxe a Plano school called asking me to sub long term and I turned them down. I had accepted the job in Little Elm. With a heavy heart, I told them I was already booked in Little Elm. Then one night, I can't tell you why, I called the classroom teacher and asked if they had found a long term sub. She said no. And that was my in. I took the position in the Plano school, the same school that my children attended. It was perfect. Only then the child that I was hired to cover lost her nurse and was unable to attend school. SO I didn't have a job again. I was at a loss, what am I supposed to be learning here or doing differently because I just don't have a clue. She got her nurse back, then another quit then I did have a job then I didn't AGAIN. It was more than hard for me. I just want to teach and I jut need someone to give me the chance. Everyone always says wow you are so awesome, if I am so great then GIVE ME A REAL JOB!!!!!! SO I went back to looking up sub jobs online AGAIN!! Then Davina said my school is looking for a long term sub would you be interested!!! YES YES and OH YES. And it was perfect. And I fit right in. I was welcomed with open arms, and I was relieved to have a spot. With in a few weeks they asked me to stay on and become a permanent employee. I was excited I said yes, of course. It's a job and money being consistent is a great thing, another step to finally being able to be independent, oh I want that SOOOOO much. I am tired of feeling like I am a bother and a pest to others...... But it is still not a teaching Job in my very own classroom. But my foot is in the door, way in and that's a great thing. So I am trying to be positive, I am trying to believe that good things are coming for me, that I am good enough to have my own class and truly truly be a successful teacher. I really feel like this is where I am supposed to be. I am hoping and praying that I get a teaching job for the up coming year for my sanity and the sanity of everyone around me, it's trying times my friends and I want so much for myself, my family. I really truly do
And another amazing opportunity is that I am going to have a voice and be a voice and participate in a documentary. I still can't believe that I was chosen to be a voice, which means so very much because for way to long I didn't have a voice at all. And people want me to put my past away, not talk about it anymore, let it go and that is exactly what I am working on doing; its just a long way of doing it, a different way , my way but I feel its the right way because truly that is all that I know. My past has to mean something and I can't stop until it means something to me and to others and by talking about it and standing up for others, its will mean something, because it has too. All that I have been through, will FINALLY mean something my heart still hurts, and often feels like its drowning under the weight of what has happened to me, but it's a lifelong journey. My hope is that I can save others from having to feel the things that I have. Believe me that's easier said than done and I am sure easier to say, for those around me. Because of what I have been through, its never far away, and because of that, I am an advocate, I will stand up for the rights of others, the rights of survivors, the rights of children. That's just me. I am exhausted but if my fighting can keep others from living a life like I did then its all worth it, no matter the pain that lingers in my own heart. Its funny the people that I am involved with for the documentary keep saying how brave that I am and talk about my courage and even going so far as to call me a hero, Yea I know crazy!!! I don't want to be a hero I want to change things, I want to make a difference and as I turn 4o, as I am a forty year old woman I want to be comfortable in my own skin. That is what I am working for.
Its funny looking back over so many years, there are themes that I see, things that I still have to work on and things that are a constant struggle. I can tell you that through this journey, not once have I ever stopped fighting, and I don't ever plan too. My past is a huge part of me, and if I don't acknowledge it, then I deny the things that have happened and I won't be able to help others. I can't do that. I will never stop trying to make people aware. I hope that in that process, my heart will heal more and more and it eventually won't be so painful, but there is a need, a passion inside to make things different for others. I need adults to understand, I need children to be heard, seen and cared for and I want to be a part of that. There were things I should not have survived BUT I did, and there has to be some purpose in that. I can tell you that over thee forty years there are pieces of the puzzle of my life that I don't have a clue where they go or why they happened, but I am here and doing better then I ever have, even with all the pain. I hope that in these next years of my life, I continue to speak out and be a voice. I hope that I grow as a mom to my kids. I would like to be skinny again, and not be afraid of being hurt. I look forward to being on solid ground and building the life that I have wanted for such long time. The first forty were more than dangerous, often scary, but I survived. The next forty and more I want to thrive. I want to feel like what I do matters, I want to be heard, I want to know for sure that there is meaning to this crazy life of mine. I want to be acknowleged. I look forward to even 10 years from now looking back and seeing just how far that I have come. This birthday was great. I came home to ballons, my favorite dinner, a cake, and presents,and even 80's music was on. It was perfect. Cupcakes at work and yet another song and well wished that night at Bible study. It was perfect. I am a work in progress and I will get there, I know I will because I have too. I am on the other side of the storm and things are changing I want my very own happily ever after, and I don't plan on settling for anything less. Here's to the next great years of my crazy life.
So they say the truth will set you free right?!? So the truth is I am more than shitty.
This month is April; its sexual assault awareness month,its my birthday, my children's birthday and I am supposed to speak and be heard and make a difference, be strong. I need to make others understand. I want to be that kind voice telling people it's ok, it gets better, there is some purpose, some reason for all the pain. And I just can't , I can't do that this year.
Tonight my counselor told me that he is going to start charging me. That he is getting more clients and that basically I keep getting put on the back burner, because I come second to paying patients. That is a sword in my heart. I told him in the very beginning that was a huge fear for me, it has happened before. I don't have the money for the counseling that I need to deal with the things that have happened in my life. And oh I understand he has to make a living, I UNDERSTAND that with my whole heart, it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I know, oh how I know but my heart is absolutely broken. AGAIN.
I had to pull over on the way home, I couldn't see the road I was crying so hard. I am at a loss, a complete loss. And I came home and cancelled my appointment next Wednesday why prolong the enevitable…..
So this blog post will be brutally honest, I may swear, so please excuse me now, sometimes those are the only words that fit, this is exactly where I am this is my broken heart.
This month I turn 40 and it sucks. Not because of the number but because of so many other things. Because I am not proud of where I am. Because I am more than ashamed actually, and its really tough. Things should be different. Things should be very different. I shouldn't be on food stamps to feed my children. I shouldn't be under someone elses' roof. I shouldn't be an aide in a classroom. I should have my own house, I should be in my own classroom. I shouldn't have to break my children's heart explaining why they don't have a dad. I shouldn't have nightmares ALL THE TIME! I should be able to take a peaceful cleansing shower and I can't. I should have someone to help me understand church and god and how that affects me. I am so very tired always worrying about others feelings, when I feel like I am drowning. And I am pissed I know its felt like that for a long time, and it shouldn't but right now it does. I can't even tell you how sorry that I am. It was storming on the way home, and I looked up and there was this beautiful blue sky, and I got more than angry. I was beyond words furious, and words and sounds came from my soul that I have never heard.
The sun was shining in front of me, the dark clouds behind me and I was screaming maybe at god, maybe at myself maybe at the entire season that I am in. Where's the fucking rainbow, please where is the fucking rainbow? There should be a rainbow, I need a rainbow and where is it!!!! I am so done with this season,I just don't understand. I am working as hard as I can! I pulled myself together, made it the rest of the way home, well a few more miles and again: the sky was just beautiful and I screamed again, this time directly at God, What the fuck, Why, I don't understand…….I don't understand at all. You can make this beautiful amazing sky, and I just need someone to stay for a little while no I need someone to stay period. I need a constant all the time, not going anywhere person And I screamed and screamed and screamed. And cried and cried and cried.
This place that I am in is scary and hard and overwhelming and I just don't understand. I am going to be 40 years old, and I should not be living in someone elses' house, being a burden, I should have a real job in my own classroom to be able to support myself and my children. I shouldn't need counseling anymore, but I do.
I am not ungrateful for the things that I have been given these past few years, I am more than grateful, ABSOLUTELY more than GRATEFUL. And with all those things that I am grateful for all the greatness that has been in my life these last few years, it’s the pain and sadness that is so very deep, that doesn't go away.
This is when I realize, all those things that happened to me as I was growing up still affect me in so many many ways. The old thoughts , the memories, growing up in the house that I did, the way that I did. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right and it sucks, and I am fighting don't get me wrong, but I am angry. I am really angry.
I am not giving up but I would love to crawl in a hole in a fade away. I am working so hard and I feel like it doesn't matter. I am tired of being a burden. taking up someones space, being on the back burner, seriously, this girl needs something.
I am getting ready to go to DC and do a documentary and , and its like wow all the things that I am going through, if things were handled so very differently back then things would be different for me today. It's about fighting , but not fighting myself anymore but fighting back against the things that shouldn't have happened. Standing up for the things that should be, and that is easier said than done for myself. I will never stop fighting for others. This April its different. I am just going to try and breathe. Keep my head above water. In this storm, this month I want others to be aware of the things that people like me face and believe me if it were as easy as flipping a light switch every single survivor would;it is just not that easy. I am asking that this April be aware of your own attitudes and beliefs. And every thought that you have about how we should get "OVER" things we have had a million more than that and we are really truly trying, I promise.
