My people

You know people talk about their people. And I have always been jealous, VERY JEALOUS. People that love you, that have your back no matter what!!!! People that share the same interests that you do, they have things in common with you. Now believe me I know that this is difficult I know that I am weird, that I am different, that I see things differently, but there has to be people out there for me somewhere!!! Right ? I know that I am not a joiner, and that is ok, that is just part of who I am ! I never have been, I'm not outgoing and popular; I am not into the latest trends and fashions; I just am not. I know I talk a lot about how different that I am , and that's just a fact, but there has to be people that can understand that and walk beside me and join in my craziness and pull me out when I need to right ? There has to got to be someone like me somewhere?          

Maybe ? Maybe? Could it possibly be ?

I am not saying that I don't have any people. Please know that. I have some really great amazing people in my life, but I don't have every day my people. I can go weeks and not have a real conversation with anyone about the things that matter to me. That makes me sad, and I know a huge part of that is me. I don't get to share my day or even my heart on a daily basis and that can sometimes be really hard. I want to, I want to share the things that are important to me, and I have looked for people; but I tend to look in all the wrong places and I end up retreating even further into myself. Believe me, I know its all my problem, and I don't make it easy, but goodness. Even when I reach out it often doesn't work well. I try oh I try more than hard, probably too hard sometimes and I am just the odd man out.

Someone recently pointed out the things you can tell about me on Face book. And I think yep, that's true and they were children/teaching, whales and my past. Yes, I totally agree that fits and I am not willing to change any one of them. Face book is a funny thing really, the things that matter to people, the things that are important to people. I am all me for Face book, I am what I am, that is all there is. The good the bad and even the ugly. Children and teaching and keeping them safe yes that is a passion and that is something that I will always do. I was a little girl that slipped through the cracks, I was used, abused and ignored for most of my life. I know what it feels like and I will do everything in my power to keep other children safe and sound. I will go above and beyond to make sure that I notice each child exactly where they are. Oh that's what little ones want, they want you to see them and acknowledge them and smile at them like they are the only little people on the planet. Not in a selfish kind of way either, just a gentle smile and they know that they matter that they are important. Whales, yes whales. Can you feel my heart smile and breathe? Whales are my happy place. If you have ever had one conversation with me, you know that whales are my lifeline, whales mean more to me than most people will ever understand and I get that I really do but I will keep trying. Whales kept me alive kept me going through so much. Whales were/are a connection for me, that I have never had with anything else. When I had no connection to anything around me, there was whales. When I didn't care about anything, I cared about whales. I guess you could say I never really had people but whales were there, whales were something that I understood and I felt understood me. I know that's crazy, but its so true for me. Everything that was so ugly in my life and whales were full of a gentle, beautiful grace that I longed for. And of coarse there is my past. My friends I am sorry but there is just no way around it. Its a huge part of who I am and where I have come from. I am still healing, where I have come from its more than amazing, to be where I am. I have come further than I ever imagined and my past is turning into something that means something. It still hurts like hell a lot of the time, but I am a fighter, I am a survivor and I will make it. I share my past to make a difference for others. There are so many survivors out there, and the more that we speak of the atrocities that have happened to us; the more of a difference that we can make. It's not pretty and people don't want to hear it, but I am still going to speak it. BUT people it happens all the time to people that are your friends, siblings, neighbors, coworkers, and we all need to support and care for them. People talk about letting go, and I understand that, if it were just a light switch, that would be so easy! Newsflash it is NOT! Everything I know comes from the things that have happened to me and until women are heard and cared for and listened to that have been through similar things I will keep talking about my past to make things better for them. I know I often must sound like a broken record, I just want more than anything for people to hear what I have to say, truly hear. I am just trying to make sense out of this crazy life that is mine. So yep those are the things that I care about the most, that I will fight for and defend with my life.

With all of that I understand that well yea that absolutely makes me the odd duck, but somehow, someway there has got to be a place for me to be embraced and understood. I have been in a bible study for the past 8 weeks with other survivors, and its amazing sitting in a room full of other women and all of us understanding where the others are coming from! None of us have shared our stories but there is a bond; an understanding that I have craved, for a very long time. I have that bond at my school, working with the kids that I do and the other teachers that I work with, there is a genuine love and concern for those kids. I can tell you I have a really really rough self contained classroom. And that teacher will just have things thrown at her and her walls torn apart, She will get screamed at and I could go on and on. She is right there with a hug for that same student, in a matter of seconds. I can tell you that right now she is absolutely exhausted, but she shows up and puts in 110% all the time. And she gets frustrated, and upset but those kids never know it. And that is greatness, it matters to those kids and it matters to me.

The other day at work some women were talking at lunch about dating and all this stuff and that is just so far out of my league, its not even funny. I don't understand and don't have a clue. I ended up just walking away, there was nothing for me to contribute, nothing to say and so I say nothing at all. They would say things about what they wanted and what they liked and say "you know? " like wanting compliments and wanting attention and certain things and NO, I don't at all know, I actually don't have a stinking clue!!!! There are just some life things where I am just clueless and they are out of my league. There are things that don't make sense for me and I am not being disrespectful, its just that I don't understand right here where I am. And that's ok, that is the way that it is. Like some don't understand my love of whales, I don't understand their need for dating or wanting that attention. And I also understand that again that makes me the odd duck out.

I crave people understanding and listening to me. I want to talk about the things that matter to me and my heart. I think in that way I am really selfish, I want to find people that I have things in common with. And a few of my favorite people are people that I have nothing in common with but they love me, anyway . Those are just plain once in a lifetime special people. And that's not saying those are the only people I want around but those are the people that are going to be my people. I thought once that I found that with a group of women, and it was kind of amazing. I have to say. I thought that I belonged that I was important that I mattered but as fast as it came , out of sight out of mind and it was nothing that I thought it was.

So what I need are things that I am working on, that I am trying to figure out. That someday I hope to have. I think that I am getting pieces, and I have more than I ever have but there is still a longing that there are certain things that I just don't have that I really want. And the problem is that I am scared. I am scared to want the things that I do. I am scared to want people in my life and have them stay and be a part of my world. The ins and outs of the everyday. I am scared that people will run, I am scared to make an idiot out of myself, to be a dork, to be different but truth be told I am different and if you know me you know that to be very very very true !!! And I want to say I am sorry ; its just me.

So I need to find a group where I fit and I am not sure where that is, in what state in what group in what area. I need a group that shares my love of whales, and I am working on that. I have a group at work that I am connecting with and am truly a part. I am working on finding a group that I can connect with about my past and that is happening too. I am going to DC and am going to be with a group of people that also refuse to be silent and refuse to let the monsters of the world win, these people believe in justice and truth and the things that are good for my heart. So I do believe as hard as things have been I am heading in the right direction I just wish that at times things would go a little faster, and I would be a little , ok no a lot less stubborn and hard headed. So here's to those of us who stick out, don't belong but desperately try, someday, I will be comfy in my own skin, with my own story and the things that make me ME. So please don't give up on me. Callahan, fight the fear and do it, great things are waiting, you have to believe and want it more.  If you have gotten this far , you have to listen to the words of this song.  It's so important.

Fear by Blue October

This is perfect. I am trying.

 

I heart your heart to those that have stood by me and my crazy self.  I love you. You know who you are.

 

I heart your heart.