Matter of seconds

So this afternoon was rough.  One of those afternoons that blows up in a matter of seconds with anger all in the wrong places and at the wrong people and lots of tears.  All the anger came from me, and it was all directed someplace else than really where it should be! Those kind of nights are rough,I end up walking or well storming away from the table at dinner and just cleaning I don't know what else I should do, just clean just make everything clean again, that seems to be an escape of mine .....Something I got good at just clean up the mess and pretend that everything is ok when really its falling apart at the very seams.

And it all came from counseling this afternoon. Starting from the beginning AGAIN, the history all of it, the big pieces and oh my god, its just so much for one person to bare. Being totally frustrated, no one did their job, no one listened no one heard me EVER.  And It all blew up this afternoon something minor that turned major in a....

MATTER OF SECONDS

I mean thats how things usually happen right, in the blink of an eye and its done.  It was like that tonight.  Vincent and Mariska were at each other he is a mother hen and doesn't leave her alone.  She had enough, and the tears started, a few seconds earlier we were all in the kitchen making dinner together.  She started crying and I aked her what was wrong, she said nothing as tears rolled down her face.....I asked again and again same answer and I got more than Angry I tried to make a joke out of it, she does this a lot but this afternoon I was done!!!! 

You see because growing up for me, I would have given anything for someone to ask how I was, ask what was wrong, see me and acknowledge that I wasn't ok .  And here I was asking my own daugher and she shrugged and didn't have an answer and I was furious.  I was dying to be asked, and yet here I am asking her and I get nothing.  It was not pretty for anyone and then things calm down and you , well I realized where it came from and realize just how much that I am still affected by my story, that things sometimes bother me a lot and that wow, I have still have work to do.  I know there is some big word for it, and a reason why it ws so awful but that doesn't make it ay easier.

Poor thing was crying so hard she couldn't breathe and It was my fault. Because I wasn't really angry at her at all, she had kept the laundry going and folded and put away all the laundry while I was gone.  She took out the trash she did it all and I didn't even ask her to then I blow a gasket,  and I realize as they are peacefully sleeping that it was me, that  in a matter of seconds the anger inside exploded onto my children and it just wasn't fair.   And I am more than sorry.  I don't have the right to explode on them, because I am all they have.        Good thing tomorrow is another day, I am gratefull.

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