On being FAT

The lotus flower they grow from the mud , reaching for the sun.

I know stating the obvious right.  Straight from my heart this is so very hard.  I know the obvious and it scares me to death I know all the words fat, overweight, obese oh I hate that one. They all cut like a knife and yet here I am; plain and simple fat, overweight, obese. Go ahead pick one they all fit.  There are so many reasons , so many things to explain and my heart sits here sad.  I wish things weren't this way but right now they are. This is where I am and once again I am scared beyond imagination.  This isn't pretty , I am sorry.  This is the story, these are the wounds and still  I am trying to make sense of it all.  Crazy all the things that a person can choose to cope with life.  Some pick drugs, some sex, some workout all the time for me there were not many options I was 5 so I choose food, and I am not even sure it was a choice really, in my head it was pure survival, a way for me to keep myself safe.

I was once a skinny little kid, I know hard to imagine right but I was.  Well until about 5 and the really bad abuse started.  And my father and Albert would hurt me and tell me I was beautiful. 

Just for one second imagine what that does to a little kid ?  They are doing this because I am beautiful ? Does this make me beautiful ? How can the word beautiful even go with what is happening ? So confusing and complicated, its unimaginable really.

It was a complicated world  and it hurt.  So in my little head , my little growing mind I decided that beautiful was something I never wanted to be.  Eating was a way to cope. My way of making things make sense. Something hurts well eat something that will help you not feel and for me in my little life that was a good thing. When such terrible things are happening you need something good and for me that was food.  It didn't hurt me and it filled something in my heart and even better I thought it made me ugly. So later as I was  growing up eating became my friend, a way for me to be ugly and stay that way.  To keep people away, to be by myself because when you are all alone people can't hurt you.  And that became my way of life. Total and truly.  It was eat to stay ugly.  And when it didn't work and I kept getting hurt, there just was no explanation no excuse, then it was just well I am not worth anything , anything at all.    Food was the only thing I knew to make me feel better when there weren't people around to hold my heart I found something to fill that hole.  In my life I could count on no one but food was always there. 


I was the target of many jokes, they got pretty bad in elementary school, which was the worse time for me because there was so much going on.  I can remember these shorts that I loved.  I think they were terry cloth and I want to say I had a white pair and maybe orange ?  Maybe I was asking for it with the orange pair but I LOVED them; but they  got  me made fun of.

ALL THE TIME. 

Its funny, I ate to become almost invisible but in that you stick out gaining weight. Its such a balance, trying to figure it all out.  But shoving the feelings became such a need that I didn't really care. I couldn't feel what I WAS feeling so I ate to cover it up.   All I ever wanted to do was fade away, fade into the background, fade into the wallpaper and that never seemed like an option something always made me stick out.  Whether it was the abuse, the weight, me being mature, being developed at 10, I just I don't know. 

So I went through school being heavy, that puts you into an entirely different category once you reach middle school and high school.  Middle school honestly sucked, nothing worked to stuff the feelings and oh I tried believe me I tried.  Then there was youth group and the leader saying no one would want to do that to me I was "chubby and unpopular" and all of that and Blah, Blah the story is in another post.  There were a few people I would hang around but mostly I was on my own.  I knew that so I stayed to myself.  As a junior I went to Germany for the summer, I felt free I lost a lot of weight there we climbed mountains, and went back down the same mountain  in the dark (that's a story), we walked all over European cities.  They were into Tofu and we ate Happy Chicken burgers, Ha crazy right ?!?.  I was safe there and I didn't need to eat.  The need to hide was in my bones, I still wanted to be invisible but I didn't need to eat to become ugly and that felt good.

And I am not sure what happened really but I didn't want to be heavy anymore.  There was no abuse for a few years now and maybe I was gaining some of me back and I wanted things to be different.  I wanted to believe in people and the world around me.  And I lost over 120 pounds.  I still felt ugly but I was comfortable in my skin when I was alone.  But I hated all the comments all the looks all the attention.  And the jokes from my family never stopped.  I can remember that it had been a few days since I had eaten anything and I made some lunch.  And my brother and a few of his friends were sitting at the table and my brother started to snort like a pig and said oh that's where the food is going.  I was devastated and everyone laughed.  My mother being right there, even she laughed.  And I think that's when it started not eating in front of anyone.  Looking back its crazy I was a size 8 and being made fun of for eating.  And then I started to get attention from boys and that I wasn't ready for.  It was at Collin County and his name was Ryan, he held doors open for me he smiled when I said save the whales and I would not go out with him that is one thing I regret in this life.  He showed up to class early to talk to me....I didn't know what to do, the attention scared me to death.  And  then there was Scott who treated me the same before and after I lost the weight he was awesome, he would laugh, we liked the same movies we were both into psychology, we would set our schedule to take the same classes but I was afraid.  Afraid of being beautiful, afraid of being seen and once again I didn't go out with Scott either.  I remember talking to a woman that was going to be my trainer and  kinda like a life coach.  She was going to get me going and believing in myself again.  I remember asking  my family what they thought, and I was laughed at told that it was stupid.  So I cancelled my time with her.  One of the last straws was being in a Hastings I think looking at I think it was tapes and a guy said he liked my shirt, I remember it like it was yesterday it was lime green with these little triangles, I loved that shirt too it was my favorite....but in that moment I was done being noticed.  I didn't ask for his comment and I didn't want his attention I was just looking for some music.  And I started to gain the weight back and then some.

I wish that food didn't keep me safe, I wish that it didn't fill some kind of hole.  Then fast forward to my time at the ranch and doing things for me like joining a life group and everything.  And there I was just me.  I remember saying to a friend once these people wouldn't care if I came in dirty clothes and my hair was a mess ?  And he said no they wouldn't.  That was such a new thing to me. Someone liking me for me , just because I was. and my journey back to me began with those people who loved me. 

But in all that, all the stories all the scars, all the damage I am still heavy.  I still do not eat in front of people, I fear what they will think, I fear them wondering why is she eating that ?  So the few times I have gone out to a restaurant I don't eat.  When there are brunches at work, I don't eat.  Going over someones house again I don't eat.  Crazy as it is the kids and I went on a camping trip and again I didn't eat all weekend, amazing the things we carry with us, that are so hard to drop.

Its all kind of in my face lately.  My mother had weight loss surgery and her attitude the person that she was has changed, you thought she didn't care before well its worse. She wants me to be this cheer leader for her when I have never gotten that support or caring.  I just can not be that for her.  She is all that matters and since I am not skinny "like her" I don't really matter.  Everything she does is the right way and everything she eats is better.  As a young kid I was worth nothing in my house and now as an adult I am not skinny and I am worth nothing in her house. And the hard part is that I have learned that I am worth something and its hard living with someone who doesn't see that.  I am working so very hard in so many areas and its just not seen or its seen and dismissed.  She just thinks she is wonderful and in the process she is turning into something I don't like.  For her weight is everything and for me weight is only one small piece.

I am scared, I don't want to be heavy but I am scared not to.  I am scared to be noticed, scared for people to see me.  I have said before if I could loose weight for me and put a fat suit on for the world I would be more comfortable.  I dream of prince charming some day but that can't happen the way I am.  People always say it matters what is on the inside.  True it does but the outside matters a whole lot too.  I do still eat to fill the holes sometimes and sometimes its such a habit I don't even realize I am doing it.  I am just me crazy Sherri and skinny or fat my heart is the same.  Maybe a little more healing and I will be ready to loose weight.  Maybe this will get easier once the kids and I have our own happy life.  Maybe I won't be ready; right now I don't have any answers but so much is placed on weight and I don't like it.  There are so many different pieces of this for me.  Excuse me if this is choppy there are just a lot of pieces that go into this heart that is mine.

I think I saw something different when we had our family picture taken.  For once, I liked that picture of me, I loved my little family and dare I say it : I felt pretty. I felt like I didn't want to hide I wanted everyone to see my awesome amazing family. I saw that my children look like me and the three of us are something amazing.  We have come a really long way and once we get up this hill we are going to blossom. When I look at that picture its us, its who we are. Fat or skinny old or new its who we are and those are the things that matter.  I am not sure whats ahead, and I know I don't have to eat to hide I just need to convince my heart.  My heart needs a lot of convincing that it is safe and sound and I have two little ones that are counting on my heart.  So what the future holds ? A skinny Sherri I am not sure but healthier yes I think its coming.   Someday, even I dream of my very own fairy tale.

When you hold my hand you hold my heart. Maybe someday that will be OK for me. Maybe someday that will be safe for ME.
Thanks for hearing my heart today my friends.  

Toilet Paper

HaHa kinda funny, only not! Toilet Paper, yep toilet paper.  I know who knew something could tell you so much right ?  We all use it and yet no really thinks about it.  Who really puts thought into toilet paper ?  Do you ?

Well in my house its a little different.  I am 37 almost 38 and still living with my mother.  Yes I know, I should be on my own should be done with school, I should be a lot of things but I am not.  My mother has let us stay in her house and kept a roof over my children's head and for that I am so very grateful.  But tonight, it was toilet paper that sent me over the edge.  She sat playing some game on her phone, ignoring us around her saying "do you want me to turn the TV off or are you going to watch it ?"  REALLY ?  I haven't sat down all fricking evening and I am supposed to sit for a stupid TV show ?   All evening there was just so much to do, just one of those nights.  Laundry is piled, dishes are in the sink, I was making dinner, cleaning sheets from one of the animals who decided to pee on MY bed, perfect timing of coarse !!!!  Homework to be signed, my own homework, there are just not enough hours in the day. Not enough hours in this day.  I will spare you the little details but think of a queen in her chair only thinking of herself.

Since January I have not asked my mother for a thing. No gas , no shampoo, no soap none of the daily things that keep a house going.  Even down to sponges, and dryer sheets and yes even toilet paper.  And I have enjoyed getting those things and being able to do that for my family.  My children and I. But Money is running out, I work as a substitute but that sure isn't much and its never the same amount.  There are months with lots of work then months with no work at all.   I get a roof over my head from her and once again I don't at all want to dismiss her doing that for us and what that means for my children but I need more.  She said there were a few things that she had to get at the store and I asked her to get some toilet paper and she laughs and says no. And she was serious.

And it was like a knife through my heart.

And really its not about the toilet paper at all.  If she can't even get some toilet paper how in the world can she can give me anything emotionally ?  Spiritually ? And I realized that I need more.  And that she has never and can't give it to me.  She just can't she IS not, IS NOT able.  She is so wrapped up in her life, and her house and her feelings and her thoughts she can't see past her own nose.  For the three of us living with her its heartbreaking , absolutely heartbreaking.  Whats hers is hers and whats ours is hers and its not right. She can come take my toilet paper and doesn't think twice, and I work so very hard and there is no consideration, no caring, no kindness and no help. 

She doesn't care to think that I have to pay for school, she doesn't care to think that someone other than her might have feelings.  But I do and they are hurt, so very hurt.  Really its not the toilet paper that bothers me its the laughing and the fact that she thinks my needs are funny and so much less important than hers.  I am tired of the lies, and the hiding and being less important.

I know that I am almost done with school and going to make; as Mariska put it a happy happy house for us.  but right now we are not in a happy house.  Its just Vincent , Mariska and I and sometimes that just isn't enough. I AM NOT ENOUGH.

I know all this over toilet paper, who would have imagined ?

So I was doing all the mom things later on tonight and trying to get everything done, the kids are messing around in my bed just being kids and I just needed a minute to collect myself and my thoughts and Vincent and Mariska just wouldn't stop. Just pestering each other, and being kids before bedtime.  I turned around and the tears started and I said you know what please please I need you to listen its just the three of us and I need help, I need you to listen.  And that was it all the stupid feelings over toilet paper had nothing at all to do with toilet paper.  Its the fact that if someone can't meet a need so simple, as simple as toilet paper then how in the world can they nurture and care for your heart. For my heart.

Well they can not. 
And that is very sad.
Even when its your mom.
So its just the three of us my little family.
trying to keep it together in her house......UNTIL

We have our own Happy Happy place. 
And I promise it will be all that and more.

Its Time.......Be the Voice

This month is Sexual Assault Awareness Month  and Child abuse prevention month and these are things very close to my heart. 

As many of you know I grew up in crazy town.  Things were violent and scary in my house and I did what I had to do to survive.  And in growing up the way that I did I learned to see the world so differently than a lot of people. My world was scary ,mean, and so very lonely. I never got to be a little kid and enjoying kid things.  I always had to be aware of who was around me and what they might want. When your home is not safe, when you are not safe no matter what you do or say, when people are not safe and not looking out for you, you learn quickly what it takes to make it in the world. For me I learned to shut down and lived in my head. My need to keep other children safe, and to care for animals was what kept me alive.  With all that happened to me, it was in my bones from as early as I can remember to help and protect others that couldn't do it themselves.  

How I am today came from all that I experienced growing up.  All the assaults, the rapes, being treated as a lier, not being believed all those things have brought me here today.  I am learning , yes STILL learning that not every person in the world is mean, that not every man wants something and  not all people chose to look the other way.  As adults we have a responsibility to stand up for the kids that don't yet have a voice and HELP them.  We can't look the other way and assume someone else is going to help, or it really isn't that big of a deal.  If something tells you something isn't right you need to make the hard choice and do what is right.  For me EVERY, and I mean EVERY single person who saw things that were not right with me chose to look the other way and the devastating results are clear. I had to grow up afraid of the world, and believe that I had to do life on my own.  If you could see my heart, my mind its bruised, often broken but it is healing. I am further than I have ever been I have come a really long way, and worked oh so hard but there is still a way to go.  There are days I am angry at the world, there are days I don't have words, and days I forget just how far that I have come.  Sometimes it hurts so much breathing is hard.  But I can tell you that the difference that you can make even in something so small can change a child's world.

So here are a few pieces what my life was like as a child growing up in an abusive home......and no one cared to see......NO one made the hard choices to help me.....its not pretty but its life for a lot of little kids....maybe some kids that you know......this is reality and it happens ALL THE TIME......

My abuse started with my father.  From the time that I was 5 and please excuse me using real words here but its important.  I don't use them very often at all, because they are so ugly, and so hurtful but they are the truth. They are real life. They are my life. Just real words.  So from the time I was 5 rape was a part of my life. I knew what was expected and my mind would go somewhere else until he was done. As much as I could I guess when it happens so often you learn to accept it that was just the way that it was.  And I think back to me being that little kid and no one noticed anything.  I could give you a list of things that no one noticed, but everyone said that is just "her".  She is just different, she talks to herself and animals and doesn't have any friends she is just weird.  I would go to school so tired.  I walked around feeling like I was in this bubble.  There was me and everyone else.  Really who would want to be friends with me, if they knew what happens to me, what I had to do , I totally grew up believing that.  I must have been really terrible for no one to notice and help me.  I couldn't even read until third grade, my head was so tired just trying to survive there was no room to learn what I needed to in school.  I was that kid always in the background, so hurt and desperately needing help, but everyone said she has a great family she is just "different".  So that was my life at home.  Abuse almost every night.  He was a raging monster during the day there was no break no peace. That went on until I was close to 13.

Also when I was 5, there was Albert.  My mom did daycare in our house and she watched his younger brothers.  The first time I remember him doing anything I could see my mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.  He had me pinned right behind the screen door.  It was a cloudy day, I can remember seeing the steam coming from the pan where she was stirring something.  And I didn't understand.  Really, I could see these people around me and here he was hurting me....I finally got away and ran inside crying no one asked questions, no one cared to find out what was going on.  He became a friend of the family and would take me out on the weekends. Always hurting me, he always found a way to get me alone.  The worst thing he ever did was kill my little tadpoles.  It was an amazing day huge clouds, bright sun birds singing a cool breeze.  We were all collecting tadpoles in this little creek.  Albert called me to the back of his fan and raped me, then yelled at me to put my clothes on.  This was my life things happen and you go on.  And I made my way back to the table I wanted to check on my tadpoles and he kicked over my bucket in his big black boots and stepped on my tadpoles.  My little fingers could not pick them up fast enough, and he leaned over and said "next time you won't fight".  I remember feeling so guilty, that I couldn't pick them up fast enough, and I was just so very sorry.  A child doesn't experience things like this and be "NORMAL"  there is no normal.  It happened often with Albert, and our best friends lived right next door.  Their backyards came to a corner there was always time for him to get me alone.  No one ever came looking for me, no one noticed the tears because my body hurt no one noticed anything.  I was lucky though and he moved away when I was about 8.  So at least I didn't have to deal with him anymore. And yes I had to deal with him because no one chose to see, no one chose to stand up for me.

Life was hell.  I made it through, I lived life but I was terrified of everyone and everything.  I was grateful Albert moved away, but there was still my father.  He always hated me.  I knew it, I felt it in my bones, I just took attention away from him and that was a problem.  I am not sure why his abuse stopped, maybe he was scared I would get pregnant, maybe I was just getting too old, either way he stopped.  But when it had gone on so long, the damage was done, there was no restful sleep, no friends to share with, there was no chance of being a carefree kid.  I remember failing three classes one semester in middle school.  The school counselor called me and asked what was going on.  Silence......  Was this my chance.....Then she asked if my parents were still together.....I said yes.... She said great.....now work harder to get those grades up.......she didn't see my eyes.....she didn't care to see......she didn't notice the sinking in my heart......that was the closest anyone came to helping.

As I got a little older keeping it all inside was taking its toll, food became my friend if I was just ugly enough I couldn't be hurt. My parents idea was to send me to a high school youth group because I was so mature.  Its kinda funny really.  I think I had to be that mature, I always had to take care of things.  I was put into adult roles from as far back as I can remember, yea I had to be to just survive. This was about the same time that my father stopped raping me, it was a weird time.  Some things are not very clear, there is a lot that I don't know for sure, that I just don't understand.  I was so far away from away I was basically a walking zombie doing all the things necessary to put on the face of a normal life but my heart was going to pieces.  But in short there was this youth group weekend, that they lied on the paperwork saying I was older than what I was to be able to go.  And there I met Don.  We danced and he paid attention to me good attention he was kind and gentle.  He gave me a nice soft kiss and said he would see me again.  A few weeks later he showed up at my house and raped me.  I mean this had happened my entire life, it happens you clean up and pretend that everything is OK.  Then my parents were presenting on some healing weekend at church.  They left early in the morning around 7 I guess.  Done breaks in, I am in the shower and he hurts me and he then calls four other men and they all finally leave late that night.  My brother was at a friends house, and not once did my parents call to check and make sure that I was OK. All five of those men raped me all day  and I was just 13.  I could have died that day, I should have died but I didn't.

I know my story is so very hard and complicated and I am so very sorry.  Time after time there were things that people could have done to help me and everyone just looked the other way.  I was living , I was breathing but inside I was dead, I didn't understand why so much in one life, why didn't anyone help ?  Why didn't anyone notice ?  I know I hid things pretty well but a child can't hide being raped.  I wasn't that good at hiding.  After the gang rape when I was falling apart, and a good friend Calvin, said you have to tell me whats going on, something isn't right with you and I told him. For the very first time I told something that had happened to me. We went and talked to the youth group leader.  Well her response was that I was lying, I was making it all up for attention .  I was the chunky girl with no friends who would want to do that to me . I am not sharing to make you feel bad for me but I want you to understand the difference that you could make !! be aware, know what is going on with your kids, know when something isn't right in the kids around you, know when something isn't right, ask what is wrong why are they crying ?  Most kids don't tell but they give you signs. I can say believe, believe believe this doesn't come from nowhere if someone tells you they were hurt they are begging for help not attention.  I remember Calvin being so sorry that this happened to me and that was so strange, Rape was my life from the time I was 5 why was he sorry ?  Kids need us, they need us to notice and to see.  So many people COULD have made such a huge difference for me but the chose the easy way out and looked the other way. 

I will never ever choose to look the other way I will chose to make the hard decision each and every time for the sake of the child.  I never want any child to grow up the way that I did and I will do everything in my power to make sure they know they are not alone.  I am sorry this is long and not an easy read, but if you have gotten this far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I hope it makes you think and I hope that if you come upon a child needing your help that you make the right decision and do the right thing, I know its the hard thing but you , yes YOU can change a child's life. You can save them from a lifetime of shame and guilt. 

Others who have grown up like me have a battle to fight, but for me when I see someone doing whats right, when I can share and make someone think a little more healing happens.  My life isn't over, my life is just starting, and there are still bad days but healing has begun and it might take me until my very last days but I will make it.

This is the story of my life... Be a part of an others life and make the difference.  Help a child see the world differently.. Help them see kindness and love....YOU have the power to do that.

This could be your chance to make a difference.....If you can promise to be aware and make a difference please like this page, I will be grateful.

From my still healing heart.....Thank You....Thank You....Thank You