Toilet Paper

HaHa kinda funny, only not! Toilet Paper, yep toilet paper.  I know who knew something could tell you so much right ?  We all use it and yet no really thinks about it.  Who really puts thought into toilet paper ?  Do you ?

Well in my house its a little different.  I am 37 almost 38 and still living with my mother.  Yes I know, I should be on my own should be done with school, I should be a lot of things but I am not.  My mother has let us stay in her house and kept a roof over my children's head and for that I am so very grateful.  But tonight, it was toilet paper that sent me over the edge.  She sat playing some game on her phone, ignoring us around her saying "do you want me to turn the TV off or are you going to watch it ?"  REALLY ?  I haven't sat down all fricking evening and I am supposed to sit for a stupid TV show ?   All evening there was just so much to do, just one of those nights.  Laundry is piled, dishes are in the sink, I was making dinner, cleaning sheets from one of the animals who decided to pee on MY bed, perfect timing of coarse !!!!  Homework to be signed, my own homework, there are just not enough hours in the day. Not enough hours in this day.  I will spare you the little details but think of a queen in her chair only thinking of herself.

Since January I have not asked my mother for a thing. No gas , no shampoo, no soap none of the daily things that keep a house going.  Even down to sponges, and dryer sheets and yes even toilet paper.  And I have enjoyed getting those things and being able to do that for my family.  My children and I. But Money is running out, I work as a substitute but that sure isn't much and its never the same amount.  There are months with lots of work then months with no work at all.   I get a roof over my head from her and once again I don't at all want to dismiss her doing that for us and what that means for my children but I need more.  She said there were a few things that she had to get at the store and I asked her to get some toilet paper and she laughs and says no. And she was serious.

And it was like a knife through my heart.

And really its not about the toilet paper at all.  If she can't even get some toilet paper how in the world can she can give me anything emotionally ?  Spiritually ? And I realized that I need more.  And that she has never and can't give it to me.  She just can't she IS not, IS NOT able.  She is so wrapped up in her life, and her house and her feelings and her thoughts she can't see past her own nose.  For the three of us living with her its heartbreaking , absolutely heartbreaking.  Whats hers is hers and whats ours is hers and its not right. She can come take my toilet paper and doesn't think twice, and I work so very hard and there is no consideration, no caring, no kindness and no help. 

She doesn't care to think that I have to pay for school, she doesn't care to think that someone other than her might have feelings.  But I do and they are hurt, so very hurt.  Really its not the toilet paper that bothers me its the laughing and the fact that she thinks my needs are funny and so much less important than hers.  I am tired of the lies, and the hiding and being less important.

I know that I am almost done with school and going to make; as Mariska put it a happy happy house for us.  but right now we are not in a happy house.  Its just Vincent , Mariska and I and sometimes that just isn't enough. I AM NOT ENOUGH.

I know all this over toilet paper, who would have imagined ?

So I was doing all the mom things later on tonight and trying to get everything done, the kids are messing around in my bed just being kids and I just needed a minute to collect myself and my thoughts and Vincent and Mariska just wouldn't stop. Just pestering each other, and being kids before bedtime.  I turned around and the tears started and I said you know what please please I need you to listen its just the three of us and I need help, I need you to listen.  And that was it all the stupid feelings over toilet paper had nothing at all to do with toilet paper.  Its the fact that if someone can't meet a need so simple, as simple as toilet paper then how in the world can they nurture and care for your heart. For my heart.

Well they can not. 
And that is very sad.
Even when its your mom.
So its just the three of us my little family.
trying to keep it together in her house......UNTIL

We have our own Happy Happy place. 
And I promise it will be all that and more.