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| The lotus flower they grow from the mud , reaching for the sun. |
I was once a skinny little kid, I know hard to imagine right but I was. Well until about 5 and the really bad abuse started. And my father and Albert would hurt me and tell me I was beautiful.
Just for one second imagine what that does to a little kid ? They are doing this because I am beautiful ? Does this make me beautiful ? How can the word beautiful even go with what is happening ? So confusing and complicated, its unimaginable really.
It was a complicated world and it hurt. So in my little head , my little growing mind I decided that beautiful was something I never wanted to be. Eating was a way to cope. My way of making things make sense. Something hurts well eat something that will help you not feel and for me in my little life that was a good thing. When such terrible things are happening you need something good and for me that was food. It didn't hurt me and it filled something in my heart and even better I thought it made me ugly. So later as I was growing up eating became my friend, a way for me to be ugly and stay that way. To keep people away, to be by myself because when you are all alone people can't hurt you. And that became my way of life. Total and truly. It was eat to stay ugly. And when it didn't work and I kept getting hurt, there just was no explanation no excuse, then it was just well I am not worth anything , anything at all. Food was the only thing I knew to make me feel better when there weren't people around to hold my heart I found something to fill that hole. In my life I could count on no one but food was always there.
I was the target of many jokes, they got pretty bad in elementary school, which was the worse time for me because there was so much going on. I can remember these shorts that I loved. I think they were terry cloth and I want to say I had a white pair and maybe orange ? Maybe I was asking for it with the orange pair but I LOVED them; but they got me made fun of.
ALL THE TIME.
Its funny, I ate to become almost invisible but in that you stick out gaining weight. Its such a balance, trying to figure it all out. But shoving the feelings became such a need that I didn't really care. I couldn't feel what I WAS feeling so I ate to cover it up. All I ever wanted to do was fade away, fade into the background, fade into the wallpaper and that never seemed like an option something always made me stick out. Whether it was the abuse, the weight, me being mature, being developed at 10, I just I don't know.
So I went through school being heavy, that puts you into an entirely different category once you reach middle school and high school. Middle school honestly sucked, nothing worked to stuff the feelings and oh I tried believe me I tried. Then there was youth group and the leader saying no one would want to do that to me I was "chubby and unpopular" and all of that and Blah, Blah the story is in another post. There were a few people I would hang around but mostly I was on my own. I knew that so I stayed to myself. As a junior I went to Germany for the summer, I felt free I lost a lot of weight there we climbed mountains, and went back down the same mountain in the dark (that's a story), we walked all over European cities. They were into Tofu and we ate Happy Chicken burgers, Ha crazy right ?!?. I was safe there and I didn't need to eat. The need to hide was in my bones, I still wanted to be invisible but I didn't need to eat to become ugly and that felt good.
And I am not sure what happened really but I didn't want to be heavy anymore. There was no abuse for a few years now and maybe I was gaining some of me back and I wanted things to be different. I wanted to believe in people and the world around me. And I lost over 120 pounds. I still felt ugly but I was comfortable in my skin when I was alone. But I hated all the comments all the looks all the attention. And the jokes from my family never stopped. I can remember that it had been a few days since I had eaten anything and I made some lunch. And my brother and a few of his friends were sitting at the table and my brother started to snort like a pig and said oh that's where the food is going. I was devastated and everyone laughed. My mother being right there, even she laughed. And I think that's when it started not eating in front of anyone. Looking back its crazy I was a size 8 and being made fun of for eating. And then I started to get attention from boys and that I wasn't ready for. It was at Collin County and his name was Ryan, he held doors open for me he smiled when I said save the whales and I would not go out with him that is one thing I regret in this life. He showed up to class early to talk to me....I didn't know what to do, the attention scared me to death. And then there was Scott who treated me the same before and after I lost the weight he was awesome, he would laugh, we liked the same movies we were both into psychology, we would set our schedule to take the same classes but I was afraid. Afraid of being beautiful, afraid of being seen and once again I didn't go out with Scott either. I remember talking to a woman that was going to be my trainer and kinda like a life coach. She was going to get me going and believing in myself again. I remember asking my family what they thought, and I was laughed at told that it was stupid. So I cancelled my time with her. One of the last straws was being in a Hastings I think looking at I think it was tapes and a guy said he liked my shirt, I remember it like it was yesterday it was lime green with these little triangles, I loved that shirt too it was my favorite....but in that moment I was done being noticed. I didn't ask for his comment and I didn't want his attention I was just looking for some music. And I started to gain the weight back and then some.
I wish that food didn't keep me safe, I wish that it didn't fill some kind of hole. Then fast forward to my time at the ranch and doing things for me like joining a life group and everything. And there I was just me. I remember saying to a friend once these people wouldn't care if I came in dirty clothes and my hair was a mess ? And he said no they wouldn't. That was such a new thing to me. Someone liking me for me , just because I was. and my journey back to me began with those people who loved me.
But in all that, all the stories all the scars, all the damage I am still heavy. I still do not eat in front of people, I fear what they will think, I fear them wondering why is she eating that ? So the few times I have gone out to a restaurant I don't eat. When there are brunches at work, I don't eat. Going over someones house again I don't eat. Crazy as it is the kids and I went on a camping trip and again I didn't eat all weekend, amazing the things we carry with us, that are so hard to drop.
Its all kind of in my face lately. My mother had weight loss surgery and her attitude the person that she was has changed, you thought she didn't care before well its worse. She wants me to be this cheer leader for her when I have never gotten that support or caring. I just can not be that for her. She is all that matters and since I am not skinny "like her" I don't really matter. Everything she does is the right way and everything she eats is better. As a young kid I was worth nothing in my house and now as an adult I am not skinny and I am worth nothing in her house. And the hard part is that I have learned that I am worth something and its hard living with someone who doesn't see that. I am working so very hard in so many areas and its just not seen or its seen and dismissed. She just thinks she is wonderful and in the process she is turning into something I don't like. For her weight is everything and for me weight is only one small piece.
I am scared, I don't want to be heavy but I am scared not to. I am scared to be noticed, scared for people to see me. I have said before if I could loose weight for me and put a fat suit on for the world I would be more comfortable. I dream of prince charming some day but that can't happen the way I am. People always say it matters what is on the inside. True it does but the outside matters a whole lot too. I do still eat to fill the holes sometimes and sometimes its such a habit I don't even realize I am doing it. I am just me crazy Sherri and skinny or fat my heart is the same. Maybe a little more healing and I will be ready to loose weight. Maybe this will get easier once the kids and I have our own happy life. Maybe I won't be ready; right now I don't have any answers but so much is placed on weight and I don't like it. There are so many different pieces of this for me. Excuse me if this is choppy there are just a lot of pieces that go into this heart that is mine.
I think I saw something different when we had our family picture taken. For once, I liked that picture of me, I loved my little family and dare I say it : I felt pretty. I felt like I didn't want to hide I wanted everyone to see my awesome amazing family. I saw that my children look like me and the three of us are something amazing. We have come a really long way and once we get up this hill we are going to blossom. When I look at that picture its us, its who we are. Fat or skinny old or new its who we are and those are the things that matter. I am not sure whats ahead, and I know I don't have to eat to hide I just need to convince my heart. My heart needs a lot of convincing that it is safe and sound and I have two little ones that are counting on my heart. So what the future holds ? A skinny Sherri I am not sure but healthier yes I think its coming. Someday, even I dream of my very own fairy tale.
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| When you hold my hand you hold my heart. Maybe someday that will be OK for me. Maybe someday that will be safe for ME. Thanks for hearing my heart today my friends. |
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