Do life

I hear people saying "do life together" and I think awe and part of that warms my heart and another part thinks yea right, that is something that is meant for others .  That is just my experience in life but to me this is what do Life with means :

To do life with me, you must be kind, you must be patient, you must be willing to listen and hear and understand and know that I will always do the same.

To do life with someone is sitting on the coach no words needed and being able to just be.  To do life is to have someone check on you when you know that you aren't ok

To do life means being able to cry and not be ok

To do life means being able to cry and laugh in the same hour

To do life means being able to share no matter how crazy that you might feel

To do life means someone ALWAYS being there

To do life means being there for the important things

To do life means that sometimes no words are needed

To do life means someone showing up ans telling you to get up that its ok to have fun

To do life means you don't have to do your hair

To do life means always checking making sure their heart is ok

To do life means that you are open honest and  including

To do life means that that your little quirks are known and ok

To do life means a lot of laughing 

To do life with me means devotion

How I am left.  I just want to do do life with others I do.

To do life with me means  friendship

To do life with me means I will be a forever

To do life with me I love giving friend presents

To do life with me, I will be forever

To do life with me I will care for your heart

To do life with me,  I will put you first

To do life with me I take care of you

To do life with me I LOVE with all that I am and ask the same. 

To do life with me you will be surprised, loved, valued, you will laugh lots, you will be valued, you will be heard  and I ask that you just be gentle with my sometimes fragile heart. I will give it all and just want to make sure that there is heart left when you decide to leave.

Tracy Chapman  :Devotion 

My body keeps the score

I heard this phrase today and it hit me differently.  My Body absolutely keeps the score of my life.As much as I smile and try to pretend that I am fine,  there are things that show.  The scratches on my wrists, the bruises on my legs the circles under my eyes.  And sometimes I expect people to notice and ask if I am OK, they do not,  and I don't show them off its just those things that I feel people should notice .  Even a quiet little are you OK ?  Often I don't know what I want,  but I know that I want people to care to notice, to do something even if its just being with me.  And I know what that takes because I often push people away but be there in thoughts a little text saying hello.  It's in the little things .  It's always in the little things.

You know I am sure there are things from the past that are trapped inside.  Its hard to explain really.  There are truly not many people that would understand the feeling that your own body becomes something "other".  I have never been comfortable in my own skin. Never ever. There is a book titled Your body keeps the score and I can only do it a little bit at a time but this is the review of that book.  And the words oh my goodness, they fit they fit and make sense and are all the words that I couldn't get out all the feelings that I didn't know how to express.   Here it is :

I just would like to share a wonderful review of "The body keeps the score" 
"My body has not been my friend since age 8; it's been something I was afraid would draw negative attention, be it verbal or physical. I could not move individual parts of my body to exercise; the body was a whole, frozen thing; it didn't have parts that moved separately, like in belly dancing, or most dancing actually, or could be exercised or enjoyed apart from others. My body didn't have any hinges. My body was my prison, my cage, but also the hard thing that protected the soft inner parts of me, my brain, my feelings, my sadness, my loneliness; my love of animals, flowers, and the beauty of the earth; I could hide those things inside my body. My body was the robot I lived in. I didn’t have control over it; I couldn’t relax it; it was always stiff and tight; it wasn’t safe to relax. It was always on alert for hidden dangers.
Anyway, I hated my body; it was my enemy, my betrayer, something to be ashamed of, hidden and just exist with and inside of. My body wasn’t me; it was a stranger that I was trapped inside of. So, I first read Waking the Tiger and that amazed me how our bodies become frozen when we’re not allowed to express and release the traumatic feelings, or don’t let ourselves. That book sort of awakened me to all my body had done for me, and basically how much old, chronic pain it had been in while I’d been despising, and being ashamed of it all this time! Then I began searching for trauma and how it affected the body information. I ran across this as an audiobook in 2015, and I have listened to it I think 4 times now. So much information is in here that was super helpful to me. I can recognize when I’ve gone through a trauma, like hitting an animal with my car, and just letting my body cry to release that tension. I’ve become more familiar with my body and recognize “where” I feel certain emotions. I never paid attention to any of that before; it just happened. I am beginning to realize that my body is a miracle and I need to take care of it, love and accept it and treat it well; it’s not just emotional trauma; everything is remembered in the body. I’ve spoken to some massage therapists and they say they’ve had people just break down and cry when certain parts of their body are massaged; it’s releasing some memory, some pain, some shame that their body has been holding onto. I had that happen to me and I was so embarrassed, once again, by my body. I wasn’t in control of it and that was shameful to me; but it sure meant something to my body that I didn’t remember, or had blocked out. My body was releasing something that had been frozen. As I continue to recognize, appreciate, and heal my body, I am feeling more, and being able to move my hips, my head. I actually have more control over my body and know what it feels like to be able to relax; that is a wonderful gift. I am taking enjoyment in my body once again after decades and feeling like it’s a part of me; that we’re an amazing team.
If any of this makes sense to you; I would encourage you to read/listen to these books and look deeper into you and what has hurt you, and how you can help your body learn to feel again, and be happier. Your body is your friend and it’s a wonderful one in so many ways.  

If that isn't powerful, I need someone to understand this and help me through it.  This is where I think I am getting stuck.  I have done so much work and there are pieces that just aren't even on the same planet.  I have yet to realize some of the things that this person speaks of my body is a miracle, yea not so much right now!!  I can say that I felt that when I was pregnant with the kids.  There is a connectedness,  I never took better care of myself and that was the only time that there was really ever any attention to my body.  There were rough times at the doctors when I would float away   and pretend that I wasn't there.  I just knew it was the right thing for my sweet children. I never felt more alive or in touch.  I was keeping them safe and sound.  

The tension that I hold in my body is extreme.  There is no amount of anything that can make it go away.  Maybe its sad but its something that a person gets used to. There are times it becomes more than i can bear but those times are few and far between.  It's just a fact of life the tightness in my neck and shoulders. The tension that I feel in my bones.  There are still times that I freeze, times that my legs tighten up and I can't even move.  There are still times that I freeze, times that everything stops because my body doesn't forget.  Whether its a smell, a sight, a sound, a touch its so crazy that one second can bring so much back even till this day.  There are days where that is terrifying and days where you think really do I have to do this today ?? Right now ??  So many thoughts someday I will be in the place that I long to be at least in my heart.  Then the inside can finally match the things that are falling into place on the outside. Oh this journey can get absolutely exhausting.

I heart your heart.  

Maybe I will never win

I am thinking maybe I will never win; Win over the darkness of the past, the nightmares, the flashbacks the pictures that play in my head.  The songs that come on the radio that still take my breathe away because I remember. I always remember.  The smells that I can not forget, the things that will forever scare me.   Maybe I will never find my happily ever after.  But not finding my happily ever after maybe its just a different way of looking at life.  There are things that will never go away.  I am sure that times the sad will come and I will have to let it pass and be glad that I have made it this far.  I do not believe that it is ever going to go away, there are things I will never get to experience things that I thought I wanted or even needed.  I have to learn to be happy where I am , let the past come when it does; but also remember the stars when all I see is the dark.  I fear others thinking that I am dwelling or that I am wanting to hold on or the phrases I have heard my entire life well how is that working for you??? Well it sucks to be you doesn't it ?  None of those things are me.  I have fought from as far as I can remember and look how far that I have come.  Kind of amazing.  I am still here, living breathing, growing, learning. Yea so my heart is broken but I get up and smile every day.  I enjoy every second, I see the little things and I will never stop fighting to make a difference for others.  Those are all the good things that can come from a life like mine.  So maybe someday I find   that perfect piece to heal my heart, and I promise to never stop looking but until then I keep fighting keep searching and keep going in this crazy life.  I have an amazing house a job that is less like a job and more a love and two amazing kids that beyond words.  Days get hard nights get long, but I am here and am further than I ever imagined.  I am happy I so am, there is just that still sad part that begs to be heard and to be seen.  The more I ignore the bigger it becomes, so let it come and see what kind of dreams unfold and what amazing things there are to accomplish.

                                                                   


                                                                         I heart your heart 

She is not my friend.

Last night was the last straw really.  I should have seen it coming, I have felt it for some time, and just tried to ignore. And I feel terrible and I wish that I didn't see the picture.  And I feel more things than I would like to admit. I have followed my own heart and done whats been best for me.  I have always known I was not her person I was never their person but they were mine. I feel alone, I feel angry, I feel left out, I feel betrayed I feel things that make me more than angry that I don't even have words for.  The anger is boiling and the tears just won't come.  Oh They are there believe me they are there,  but I just can't believe that I have lost my safe place.  Others have been chosen over me.  And when you become a choice really there is no choice at all.  It was she who said well you can't be everyone's best friend.  And that is not at all what I am or was ever asking I was asking to be treated with respect and kindness. I don't want the kind of friend that is a duty, that is oh bless her heart.  NO thank you.  When people have literally broken your spirit and your first response is to come defend them and not once asking me what happened that is not OK.  And writing here come the tears. I can not even tell you how heavy that my heart is.  My chest literally aches.  I have lost my safe place.

 And there is an empty that I can't even explain. If I sit with this realization it will devastate me, so I   I want to say goodbye and say thank you and never look back.  When all that you have to give just isn't what they want.  When you don't have one thing in common not one thing and you try to fit in but everyone knows that you just don't.  And it seems the more that you are pushed out of the picture, the one who has betrayed you has slipped right in. The one who would ask me questions about you because she didn't really know you.  Funny that she has become a regular and visited your house and sees you every visit to Texas now.  I will not be mean but these are things that I see from the outside.  I hope that I do not become jaded but I know that its going to hurt for some time and that just has to be OK.  Loosing your people is a fact of life, that's what they all say.  And you know not everyone can be your best friend.  I will hear that until the day that I die.  I will be the one to quietly back away, because it just hurts to much.  And of coarse it all plays into my fears and insecurities about being wanted about being real about not really fitting in.  All those things just are and I can not pretend I am not hurt.  I have learned so much, I have loved with my whole heart.  I just won't be second choice when no one else is around, or when everyone else is around and I am not even considered a choice.  I am sure that I have loved the most,  I am sure my heart is broken and I am sure that I don't want to have to be a choice; I just wanted to be a friend.

I heart your heart.

FORGIVENESS

Yea that just doesn't work for everyone some things are totally unforgivable.  I believe that with my whole heart. I do not believe that all things are the same that all injustices are  People that I know that are pastors even some counselors they believe that as well and that is fine but for me and my heart where it has been how it has been hurt there are things that are unimaginable and unforgivable and telling me that its for me and nothing to do with them well that doesn't make it any better for me.  I thought that I had found this great new counselor he pushed and wasn't scared of my story, told me things I was experiencing was a very normal reaction to abnormal circumstances.  There was something that made me uncomfortable but figured it was just me.  OK SO maybe this is the right guy,   maybe he will be able to help me.  Then second time things changed, he made jokes all the time made light of things that were heavy and then he brings up forgiveness.  And I said that was not something that I was willing to do,  and after some talk and saying that basically that was the only way he said well after a story about another one of his clients who took a drink after being sober for 30 years he was like like well it sucks to be you.  And then with me since I was unwilling to even look at forgiveness that well it sucks to be me . And he said well I don't mean to sound callous but you have a choice!!  Are you kidding me how dare he say that to me and he says I don't mean to be callous but it sucks to be you and shrugs his shoulders and he said it over and over and it was like a sword through my heart how dare he say that!!!  I am there for help to get better to heal my heart to figure out the things I think and those were his words ?  He was judging me because forgiveness is not something I am willing to do. I told a few people what he said  and they were like yea that is never OK, and it made me mad,  and frustrated and I don't understand why he would say that to me when I am just so much trying to understanding what was done how I was affected and how I can heal.  I went there for support not ridicule.  I went there for understanding and I don't care if he thinks that is the only way to heal .  That is his opinion and not mine.  He made a lot of assumptions and I was just not OK with that. He of coarse he went on to explain himself, about its about me and has nothing to do with him.  BLAH BLAH at that point I had already shut him off.  I want someone who accepts my views and tries to understand and not pushes what they think is the correct way to heal.  I can't stop thinking about it and I texted my friend Val and she was of coarse awesome and she said well then it sucks to be me too...that she will never forgive the person who hurt her son.  I need someone like that I need that in my everyday.  Like she gets it, she totally gets it and I love her so very much.  So once again I am starting with someone else at ground zero, but I have to believe that right person is out there and if I just don't give up and keep trying I will find them and they will see me and they will respect where I am. Still so much to learn and explore.

He's not dead

So the other day out of the blue My mom got a call from Danny.  Assholes brother.  And I was like pick it up pick it up maybe he is dead ??  I mean that was my first thought why else would he be calling he never calls , I think that the last time that I saw him was in the kitchen at Dennis's house and they were laughing about how Angela was one more person for him to poke.  That was the last time that I saw or spoke to him.  In those few seconds before I knew I can not even tell you the lightness that I felt the pure joy, the delight in my heart. He was dead and I was ready to dance.  I truly thought that he was dead and I was beyond myself.  I have wanted that for so long.  To know that he is not a living breathing person anymore, that he can't hurt anyone anymore.  But after a few minutes of the conversation we realized he had dialed on accident and no he wasn't dead.  And then again that fear crept into my heart.  I long to see him dead to see his lifeless cold body and just to know that no one is in danger from him.  There is this fight in me that I can't totally put to words and I don't really understand and even though I don't know if he is around children, I don't know anything about him really. I do know men like him don't just stop.  And until that day when I know that he can no longer hurt any more souls I am going to fight I am going to speak out I am going to  make sure that people are aware that people hear me that people listen.  I think that is where the fight in my heart comes from.  Knowing that he is alive somewhere and potentially hurting others is terrifying and I don't want him to have a happy life I don't want him to have anything.  And I will fight until I know his last breath is taken and then my heart will have some kind of peace.  I don't think that the fight will totally stop, but it will lesson and then maybe I can be a priority.  Just thinking these things out, I am not sure that any of this makes sense..  I just know that for those few minutes when I longed to hear the words come out of Danny's mouth that he wasn't alive, there was a spark something inside me that came to life, and until he is dead I am not sure that I will be able to find it.   And maybe that is a choice for me, that is the fight that I can't stop or slow down or even heal those last shreds until I know that he can't shred anyone else.  Like somehow for me to heal those last pieces of my heart and soul I need to know that he can never hurt me again , that I don't have to be afraid that I don't have to worry.  I know and understand that there is nothing that I can do that we don't live in the same state that I don't know so many things but I have to fight and people have to be aware.  I think when he is dead some of those things that scare me everyday will finally be gone and put to rest and I can finally heal, and totally let go of those last rattet tatted parts of my heart.

I heart your heart

Feelings