She is not my friend.

Last night was the last straw really.  I should have seen it coming, I have felt it for some time, and just tried to ignore. And I feel terrible and I wish that I didn't see the picture.  And I feel more things than I would like to admit. I have followed my own heart and done whats been best for me.  I have always known I was not her person I was never their person but they were mine. I feel alone, I feel angry, I feel left out, I feel betrayed I feel things that make me more than angry that I don't even have words for.  The anger is boiling and the tears just won't come.  Oh They are there believe me they are there,  but I just can't believe that I have lost my safe place.  Others have been chosen over me.  And when you become a choice really there is no choice at all.  It was she who said well you can't be everyone's best friend.  And that is not at all what I am or was ever asking I was asking to be treated with respect and kindness. I don't want the kind of friend that is a duty, that is oh bless her heart.  NO thank you.  When people have literally broken your spirit and your first response is to come defend them and not once asking me what happened that is not OK.  And writing here come the tears. I can not even tell you how heavy that my heart is.  My chest literally aches.  I have lost my safe place.

 And there is an empty that I can't even explain. If I sit with this realization it will devastate me, so I   I want to say goodbye and say thank you and never look back.  When all that you have to give just isn't what they want.  When you don't have one thing in common not one thing and you try to fit in but everyone knows that you just don't.  And it seems the more that you are pushed out of the picture, the one who has betrayed you has slipped right in. The one who would ask me questions about you because she didn't really know you.  Funny that she has become a regular and visited your house and sees you every visit to Texas now.  I will not be mean but these are things that I see from the outside.  I hope that I do not become jaded but I know that its going to hurt for some time and that just has to be OK.  Loosing your people is a fact of life, that's what they all say.  And you know not everyone can be your best friend.  I will hear that until the day that I die.  I will be the one to quietly back away, because it just hurts to much.  And of coarse it all plays into my fears and insecurities about being wanted about being real about not really fitting in.  All those things just are and I can not pretend I am not hurt.  I have learned so much, I have loved with my whole heart.  I just won't be second choice when no one else is around, or when everyone else is around and I am not even considered a choice.  I am sure that I have loved the most,  I am sure my heart is broken and I am sure that I don't want to have to be a choice; I just wanted to be a friend.

I heart your heart.