Forget me Not take 2

So yea not so OK today.  My brother is in town, and again no communication no nothing.  Nothing new, but it bothers me. That seems to be OK with my mom, but Why ? I do't understand.  I woke up this morning did some work in my art journal, oh it feels good, at least it gets the things that swirl in my head out. But my heart is not in a good place, its sad and alone. And those stupid memories from face-book, a post that came about some years ago, and it was called forget me not.  And I read it and there were tears, there were messages from people telling me that I was not forgotten, that I was OK exactly where I was and they lied because none of those people are in my life, no one cared to stick around.  And I don't understand.  These last few weeks have been more than hard and since the accident I haven't exactly been in a good place.  Its the present its the past and its right here where I am and I want to curl up in a ball.  Maybe this is just one of those times, one of those seasons, when things are rough.  One of those seasons where I think WOW, I have all the things that I have ever wanted, and yet, there is that sadness that I can't explain.  And there are parts of me that don't even know where it comes from anymore. Oh,  I do know, because its never far away, but I want to ignore and pretend that it isn't there.  The emergency room was a huge trigger that I can't shake.  The nightmares have been constant, waking up in that terror state and not being able to relax, that is where I have been. People grabbing you and you just can't get away.   I feel like the people that I need are so very far away and there is nothing I can do.  I want to scream I want to reach out and I am not sure if I can or if I would even let myself.  I feel myself pulling away some for fear of people leaving, and that is beyond terrifying.  Just like that blog years ago, those people lied,  where I was wasn't OK,  nothing changed, they lied, they all lied and that more than bothers me.
People can say anything they want but actions that is what matters.  People say lots of things and mean very little, I have learned this the hard way.  Oh yes I love you, then you hurt me.  Oh yes you are fine exactly where you are yet you are shunned for your questions.  Oh yes you are loved yet are not included with visitors.  Really you would think I would get used to this, but I don't and it never gets easier, never hurts any less, and it just sucks.

I think that I am learning the hard way,  that I am mostly on my own.  I have the occasional friend, the occasional one who never forgets, but in the every day, I am just your normal everyday forget me not.  And it has got to be me, because its so many, and I just don't have a clue what to do with that.  As much as I need others and want people around,   not sure that being vulnerable is good for me anymore.  I hold on too tight and I am just going to smile,  laugh pretend that I fit in, there is always that feeling that knowing deep down,  that I don't.  So its me. Who I am, in my bones.  I am lonely, there are not people to share with, and the longer that I want things that are not meant for me the more that they will hurt.  When am I ever going to learn.  I am just going to be me,  you can just be you and lets leave it at that.  Forget me not.

I will always heart your heart.

Irreparable Damage, Brutally Broken

Sometimes things happen and I realize just how broken that I still am. Its so deep that I truly feel brutally broken and that is just the way that it is.   I also realize that I do need people to be gentle with me, to be a little more understanding a little more , oh I don't know, I am just a little more fragile than I would like to admit, and that truly sucks.  Maybe that; that is the nature of being broken in such a way ?  Maybe there are parts of me that are irreparable, that no amount of time and love can fix.  Maybe that is just the way that it is.  And I can move on and get better and find joy, even  but those moments, they may get few and far between but oh the sadness, and pain and loss.   I have run from that for a long time, I am more fragile and I expect others to be more careful.  There you go I said it.  I will not break we know that  already, but my outside protection is not so thick, not so shatterproof. I have all my pieces but I am working on putting them all back together. That makes me think of the scene in Prince of Tides when their house is broken into. Lives are changed forever and yet they clean up and all are sitting down together to eat dinner, or at least trying.  And the little girl Savannah has her little dress on inside out and is trying to fit the pieces of a broken figurine back together and they just aren't fitting together.  And she is in her own little world just trying to put the pieces back together.  I can so relate to her, wanting so much for something to go back together.  Often lately the glue that I use just doesn't keep things in place and I feel every single after affect that there could possibly be. If I have not broken yet I am not going too, but know I am also not shatterproof, and be careful, this person has been through a heck of a lot and I am fighting my way through and back to the life that I want.

And I realize this sometimes in the simplest of things in the most normal experiences, that for me its different.  I see it different experience it different and that is the way that it is. When I was in a car accident Tuesday afternoon, and had to make a trip to the ER, I realized just how rough that it was.

The entire experience was flashbacks and memories and pictures and I was literally wanting to crawl out of my skin.  I didn't want to be who I was, I wanted to go away far away and pretend that I was fine.  I wanted to run from the ER tell them to forget it.  Even in the ER when everyone had come and gone and I was left waiting, the words came out of my mouth that if someone came in wanting anything else that I was going to punch someone in the face.  I was that serious and not kidding. I was that upset, that triggered.  I just want to be acknowledged.  If they would have come in, said who they were what they were doing it would have been so incredibly different.  They didn't.  Didn't even look me in the eye.  It brought me back to so many feelings that I hate that I wish were not that I wish I never knew.  And if they were just a little careful, things would have been different, it still would have been hard but it wouldn't have brought me back to the feelings that I dread most in this life.

There is a part of me that is ticked that it bothered me so much, that it should not have,  and there is the problem it SHOULD NOT have but it did , that is the reality, that is my truth and ignoring it wishing it wasn't there or was something different does not do me any good.  There is no SHOULD that is just how it was.  The truth is it mattered, and it really bothered me and its only a disservice to myself pretending I am fine, or that I was overreacting I can beat myself up with the best of them and I just can't do that anymore.

I am sure that part of the mood was because of the concussion.  I was more than upset and kept saying if anyone else walks in here and doesn't even look at me I am going to punch someone that feeling was more than strong and I was that upset. I was more than serious,  and the panic was rising.No one was noticing a thing, no one was aware that I was not OK, or that I was struggling keeping everything together. I was close to tears I can't even tell you how many times. I knew that if the tears started they could not have stopped and it would not have had anything to do with the accident.  I just wanted someone to notice, to see to look at me, and notice that I wasn't OK and it had nothing to do with the car accident, absolutely nothing.

I am sure there were parts of the entire situation that were because of the concussion and there is nothing I can do about that, but I can do something with my feelings,  they need to be heard.   Because if I can deal with them as they come and not stuff them pretend they don't exist I will be better off.  There is a part of me that is worried about people , what they will think of me,  because lately I seem to be loosing people right and left.  I don't understand but it is what it is, I can't fight for anyone else but myself, so I fight for my heart back. NO one can or would ever want to experience life like I have. I have to believe that the right people will stay that they will still stand by my side.

So I get to the ER, I thought OK it won't be busy Tuesday night 5, wow was I wrong.  I sat there wanting to do nothing but go to sleep.  My neck and shoulders hurt but the headache was the worst, the second that he hit me, I felt it move up the back of my head to my forehead it was bad!!!      And constant.  I really didn't want to go, but realized that he hit me so hard he opened the sunroof that is really hard, and the headache was scary bad, I felt like i was in a daze and I hate that feeling.

They ask you all the intake questions, over and over and all the answers were the same.  And they send you back out to wait to be called back.  They finally put me in a room.  The Dr came right in, and wanted me to lay back, I was lets say a little feisty, I was like no thank you, and he said OK is there a reason and I was like yea I don't want to.  And I couldn't turn my head and he stood there talking behind me and I physically moved to be able to look at him, CRAZINESS, and he said with the headache, that I was going to need to put a collar on get a CT scan and then we could go from there.  I understood it was to keep me safe what he didn't understand was how triggering that it would be for me. And honestly I didn't realize it either.

And so it began, the panic, flashbacks, and   the feeling like I couldn't breathe, couldn't swallow,  it felt terrible.  And I can not even put words to what it is like, but it is not good, and brought terror to my heart.  I know that it was in the ER and it was meant for my safety but my heart was experiencing the past,  and I would start to tear up and stop.  I went between tears and rage in a matter of seconds.  It was really hard for me.  And I tried laying down, but with that thing on, you can't really move much,  and it makes it feel like its choking you and makes it hard to swallow, I understand its supposed to help but for me it was about as far as you could get with that.  For me people have been at my throat wanting me to do things and those feelings were swirling in my head, the tears would come and then I would get more than angry. More tears and more anger. This is not how things should be  And then the room got busy more and people wanting blood and urine, and pictures and more information and yet no one looks at you no one acknowledges you , they come get what they want and leave.  What so many have done and its terrifying honestly. And how in the world am I supposed to explain that to people ?  I can't so I just have to deal with the consequences.  And that leaves my heart hurting, and I want to scream and punch people in the face and yell at them that I was there I was there and you didn't even see me, and I wasn't OK and you didn't care.  You didn't see the tears and even know if I was OK?  You didn't see the panic the terror, you missed it and I once again had to sit in it, because there there was no one to help.  It was so awful and I tried to fight it, I kept telling myself that it wasn't happening  anymore that things were OK and that just wasn't working.  Then they finally come and take you for the CT scan.  She was nice,  but once I was laying there,  there was no communication and I started to shake, the panic was real and what was I supposed to do.  So you do everything that you are told and hope that you are still in one piece in the end.  My back started to spasm,  and I had to move my legs, and honestly I waited until the last second thinking I was doing something terribly wrong and no one said a word.  I just want people to notice and to see,   I was a person in that ER, and if you would have just taken that few seconds to stop and see me,  it would have made more of a difference than you could ever imagine.  I was not OK, and am still trying to get my thoughts together.  No most can not know but they can be more understanding and that will change more than you could ever imagine. In times like these I think of the saying time heals all things, no it doesn't at all but it does change them.  Am I broken yep, brutally yes sometimes. Am I worse than many others?  I am just me and we all have our stories this is just mine.  

I heart your heart.