Summer

I wish that I was writing more but it just isn't happening.  I am trying to figure out what it is that I feel There are so many new things happening that my brain is just often way more exhausted than I would like it to  to be, and I often don't have the time. Well I just don't take the time, I just don't take the time, there are is always floors to clean laundry to do,  counters and bedrooms to fix.  I busy myself a lot of the time, and don't give myself this space so I am really going to try because this is really more important for my heart, than a nap on the couch or cleaning whatever it is that needs to be done.

So many things are changing, I feel like I am coming into my own skin a little and that feels good.  Just a little not totally but that is completely different for me Making decisions that are right for me and not worrying about other people.  I ALWAYS worry about others. I have been deleting people on Facebook, that sounds so mean but really its not, its just that I want people that are involved in my life that care that are in my every day to know all the good things that are happening , that want good things for me.  Why keep those around that have hurt my heart ?  Those people are a  reminder of things that could have been once but are not Now,  its just the right thing for me.   I have been taking care of my needs even making a DR appointment. I know Texas may get a blizzard!

I think a turning point was when my favorite came to see my house.  My mom had been staying with me that week while I was teaching Summer School, and Vincent was taking his robotics class.  The last few months when no one was there she had really been helping. She had been kind and was listening and all things that I needed.  I could not tell her oh James is coming you have to go home.  It was a pull in my head,  she has been helping me out, I cant just send her home and then ask her to come back.  So I didn't and she stayed.  I am sure that James was shocked walking in given the relationship that my mother and I have had.  But I have softened some letting her back in I am still cautious, but it feels like its also the right thing to do.  I got to the point where I was done,  there was no more of me to give to her and she reached out and I decided that it was time.  She even asked , and said that she would leave, but if someone is a part of your everyday , that was just not something that I could do.  Would I have said more if she wasn't there probably but she was there and I was grateful, and I got to see my favorite not for very long but it was perfect and he got to see my house.   That was a really huge decision for me, and I truly feel that I made the right one.

Teaching Summer school was interesting I met some amazing people and in the end I am glad that I did it.  There were a few days that I wan't so sure,  there were some rough kids but when I really got the chance to work with those that just needed that extra help, I was all set.  I met some other amazing teachers and it was fun.

I stopped seeing, Matthew well I guess not officially but his health wasn't great and there were many missed appointments and it just wasn't what I needed, or what was working for me,  just one of those organic things that just happened, and I met someone who is everything kind and soft spoken.  He even does EMDR, which I am hoping will help with some of the intense flashbacks and nightmares.  It is not going to be easy at all!!  It's going to be really hard.  I am realizing that I don't like to stay connected that I am not present in my body a lot of the time and there are a lot of things that I am going to have to learn but its going to be worth it.  I am just keeping my fingers crossed everything will work out with my insurance and I can continue to see him, I think I can get to where I want to be with him.  He is a kind gentle soul that will help my heart as I continue with this life journey of mine.

Looking at houses is on the top of the list lately , since my mom lost her job.  She is getting older and I am not sure how she would be able to work and still paying all of her bills. Getting laid off at 63 is not good for anyone.  And things are going really well with us so we are looking at a place for all of us to live.  Then I would not have to worry about her, and she will not have to worry about a mortgage payment.  Its all a work in progress but I am thinking that its a good thing.  Amazing how things fall into place , leaving my perfect house now will not be easy, but there are things ahead that are amazing and exciting and I look forward to whats going to happen and how relationships will grow and change.

I go back to school Thursday and I can't believe it! But I am excited I miss my littles and I hope they had a wonderful Summer and are looking forward to an amazing year.

There was lots of netflix this Summer, lots of naps, lots of laughing and good things.  It was the most fabulous Summer that I have had in a very long time and oh it went by so very fast.  but looking ahead things are going to be awesome and I look forward to many new things new people and new life choices that right for my family ,

Much Love I heart your heart

If you follow my journey thank you, I am grateful, its going to be an amazing year !!!

Unfriending

Who ever thought I would be one of those people! One of those people that unfriends someone well yea that is me.  And I say that with  a smile, I am kind of proud of myself. Lately it seems my friends are dwindling in some areas and growing in others and I am totally ok with that.  I would rather have my own friends than someone else's friends that is where I am. It's nice deleting people that were always some one else' friends it just took me some time to figure that out.  I wanted them to be mine more than anything and I tried more than hard but if you have to force something then its not really meant to be;. Right?  So in this process the last few months I have begun to unfriend people .  First it was a person here or there that I no longer spoke to, then it was you know what,  these people are reminders of things that hurt, of people that weren't there, of people that were only around me because they were other peoples's friends and I was over it. They were people that were my friends because of association and that is not a friend at all.  I want my own people .  People that have an interest in me and my life, people that I have things in common with that I can share and be respected. People that do not try to put me in a box.

I am not the oh poor girl lets be her friend, Yea NO THANK YOU not interested.  If you are not going to be genuine then please don't bother.  There has been much ingenuousness in my life and I am over it if you care stick around, love me and all my craziness or don't.  I can not make people like me, make them listen or understand, make them hear me so it was time to say goodbye.  I do not wish them bad I just won't be fake. I am not even sure that I know all the ways that this will affect me.  I just can not do it anymore.  I will not be around people that I don't like. I will be polite and courteous but I will not be fake.  Those people that I have unfriended do not deserve to know all the great things that are happening in my life.  I don't want to be the topic of conversations that I am not a part of.  I can say that to unfriend a few people it hurt people that once help my hand and cried with me , then I became an inconvenience and was no longer contacted.  I can not do that.  I am at a point in this life I would rather have my few favorites that I know are there than hundreds that see me drowning and look the other way.

In many ways I am different , relationships, connections are different because I never really had them and I want them more. More than the average person I think, whatever that is!!  I want connection more than you can even imagine but I want the real kind.  The kind where well my house isn't perfect but come on in this is me.  I am not at all saying that I am perfect and I am sure that I have unintentionally hurt others but I will not cry with you be there then turn the other way, EVER EVER!!  It's not in my bones to do that.

I know that I talk about my favorites all the time and I have to say that for once I am not sorry.  Those people have been there, loved me, held me and cared for me.  Even my moments when I pushed them away, told them that I didn't want to be a pest or was not the most lovable they loved me.  I am sure that never again will I have favorites like them, but the life things that I have learned from them.  And often I try to push them back thinking why in the world would they want to be with me and they push back and they are there and they make time for me, how incredible is that!!!  It's more than amazing.  I am beyond grateful the things they  have taught me about myself, life,  friendships, such important things.  And these are people I don't talk to all the time, but they are there all the time and if they didn't want to be they very easily could fade away and they have never done that.  Oh I love them, so very very very much.  When they moved away I was terrified but in that I have grown stronger and the relationship has changed and become what it is today.

I was terrified unfriending people I mean come on I don't have many friends to begin with and here I am just clicking away. Click.....Click.....Click.......  But it was good for me so very good.  I want real friendships and if I just have a few that is totally ok, because the few that I have are the ones that totally matter.  So to my friends that have stuck around oh how I heart your heart I love you and and am more than grateful.

I heart your heart 

My Place : Anna, Texas I never imagined

I have wanted to write forever and have not given myself the time. It has been months and I have started many times but with packing moving and unpacking and working all the while time seems to escape me.  Today I just have to stop to be grateful for the place that I have found, the place I am in. There are so many things to be said to be shared to be kept secret.  Things that I never imagined, feelings I don't even understand.  I am still surrounded by boxes, there are pictures still to hang and there is a peace that I never imagined I would have.

I would visit other places looking for such a place, looking for a place to make me whole a place to make me feel complete, to make me feel like i belonged anywhere anywhere , and I have found that a few places and I often wondered well wow this feeling is here, is this  where I am meant to be ??

I found it in Colorado and thought that maybe one day that might be my place.  The things that I feel there my soft place to fall, my forever people even on my most annoying days, the place I am welcomed with all my weirdness and embraced. The place where I can laugh and cry and just be.  I love that place but its the people. Those are the people that made that place.  And I love them more than I love almost anything but being there is not my place because its my soft place my place to go when my heart needs to rest when my world is spinning, there everything stops and I get to be.  I can, cry and laugh and be quiet, I have space there.  I talk about people holding space and those amazing people that I love there hold space for me and I can not even begin to tell you all that means with words.

I found a place while I was in washing DC.  I felt whole I felt understood I felt listened to.  I felt pieces of me that I didn't know were there.  I again felt cared for and the people there made room for me.  I was welcomed with such open arms. My deepest darkest secrets were there and yet you would never know it.  I was given the gentlest kindness in the tears of others, and the softest touch to my check, that I will cherish forever.   I was given time, I was given safety I was given pieces of myself back.  Those were forever people, people that hold a place for me,  I in some crazy way touched a piece of their heart and they touched mine and that is the things that life is made from.  Those are the things that make a person whole.

The two places are places that I fit, that I belong, that I cherish but they aren't mine.  I would have been happy in those places,  oh so happy but the problem would be that I need my own space.  These places have people that hold space for me, that give me just what I need but I have to be able to find that on my own in my very own place.  If I went to those places, there would be a part of me that would want to hide in the safety and not shine in the light.  Oh I am not even sure that this makes sense only it so does!  I would be that person wanting others to fix the broken pieces to heal this wounded heart to care when there is no one else.  But really none of that can happen when you can't stand on your own two feet and do the things that need to be done.  Its just about a year ago that I was asked to leave a place that I thought was a safe place and my heart was broken.  People were mean,  people ignored, people pretended that everything was my fault. People wanted less than for me, and I coudln't understand when they knew my dreams.  It was a conversation feeling so less than, so unimportant, so uncared for, so thrown away and my forever person said what do you want ?  And I had an answer in the same breath.  I knew what I wanted I knew what I needed to do and I made it happen.  It felt more real than anything I could ever hope for.  And for the first time in I can't tell you how long I stood up for myself my family and we found the perfect house in my very own place :

Anna, Texas   

I have lost oh so many friends, or those that I truly thought were friends but I have gained so much more than I ever imagined.  This place far away was mine.  Everything about it was perfect and true and honest.  I was home, my home.  There were times I would cry my self to sleep hoping that I was doing the right thing, times I would sit in the back yard screaming at the trees, times I would sit , just sit.  I did what was right for me,  and it made a difference.  I mattered, what I needed and what I wanted mattered.  This was a place where there were no bad memories, there was no trauma here,  there was no violence, no hurt, no pain, no past, no flashbacks of houses that haunt my heart. Nope, this little city had my heart.  Here in this little town was me all graduated with a degree, had a job that I loved with my whole heart and for the first time in forever I did what was the best thing for me and Vincent and Mariska.  This was my place.  And a year ago I never imagined that I would have left that place to find even more amazing things.  Like my very own house my very own mortgage,  WOW.  I write that and fight tears.  I never imagined in a million years.  I would ever be writing sitting in my very own house where everything is mine.  No one can ever tell me that I am not wanted, that I am a burden, that I don't belong.  This place is mine and those that have loved and supported me are welcomed with open arms.  This place has more love than you can possibly imagine.  I have seen the darkest of dark days.  But today I am seeing the brightest of the bright.  I still wake up every day and look down the stairs amazed and in total disbelief I have fought to be where I am my entire life.  I have fought through school to do what I was meant to do; for that perfect job for the right place and the right people.  And I have found so much, I have found my own place.  And I hope that my own place will be that safe place for others.  I hope this will be a house that holds hope and holds space for others at just the right moment.  My place was always something so very far away , that I only imagined existed, something that I thought was only in my dreams.  But I am not dreaming its here.  It's here in Anna.  And I am sure that there are many more great things to come and amazing kind people to meet.  My heart is happy.  

I heart your heart. 

ALWAYS

Off the Record

So I am not sure where to begin really.  My heart is sad and I want to be proud and think wow I did this and look where I am things are ok ! But I don't I look at it and think, I am proud of myself. I think  wow, My hair, glad it was a good hair day but man I talk to much with my hands,  and cry oh my goodness I am such a cry baby.  I watch in awe of Tami and Jaime. They speak so well and so clear. They are speakers and do it so well. Me, I think oh my goodness I am such a mess, there were to many ugly cries going on.   And it all comes back, and I can remember getting home from that first report and hearing this song on in my car. I cried all the way home not remembering how I got there. Then I got home and stood there in my room, crying thinking  what in the world have I just done.  The room was spinning and I felt oh so small was I doing the right thing, With out a doubt I knew that I was but at what cost to myself.  I had no clue.

Jewel:  Hands

I got the email late Friday night from Val sending the link and   I froze.  I was terrified of seeing my story,  I was terrified of how I would see myself.  Emotions went flying everywhere and nowhere,   literally I froze,  things flooding my head,  the pictures of being little, my father, wearing his shirt, that look of innocence on my face,  it was real and maybe more real than it had ever been.  It stopped everything in its tracks and all I really wanted to do was go to DC and get a hug from Val and Neil.  I wanted to be in that hotel room and feel the power that I did that day with my story.  Those people in that room Jim, Val and Neil, MJ were literally holding me up, they were holding my heart in their hands.  I wanted more than anything just to be back in that room feeling so understood and supported.  Those people are my people because they get it,  they understand .  And I didn't watch the preview until later.  I went to bed nightmares every second, around 3 am I got up and watched a few minutes of it, and there was a feeling of numbness and I couldn't watch it all at once.  I was scared to watch,    these people were so amazing Tami was so well spoken and so strong,  Jaime, how he spoke,  you wanted to listen to him and hear what he had to say.  Me I watched but was in another space.  I went back to bed, not sleeping really, tossing and turning and watching a little at a time, bits and pieces.  I was between the nightmares, and awake.  I looked at my phone and there was a missed call from Val and a message, I am one that answers right away and yet I was still frozen. And another call, saying that she was worried about me and wanted to make sure that I was ok, I felt like she had my heart.  I was grateful, once again I was back on earth.  I listened to her message over and over and finally took a minute and answered her telling her how much that I loved her that it was amazing that I was a huge crybaby.  So much of me wanted to apologize,  I was the messy cry baby not strong and proud.

I was helping my mom pack, all day and just stayed busy, I want to apologize that I wasn't more, more proper, more I don't know better spoken that I felt like  , well I don't know really I am trying to figure out the feelings and I am not sure that I have a clue.  When you have grown up the way that I did, and then meet people like Val and Neil people who hear you and listen with their whole heart, who look at you and see past the hurt to really hold your heart I can not in words even tell you what that means.  When you are on your own from the time that your 5, with only a few sticking around to see you, truly see you it means more than words.  It means EVERYTHING.  I didn't get that until I was in my thirties, that's a long time to be alone, and when someone reaches out to you when you feel so awful you hold on for dear life.

When you see a part of your life in black and white like that, its all there right in front of you, and you can't turn away.  I can't turn away from those pictures, I can't pretend that this is for everyone else.  A part of this has to be for me.  To recover to heal, to find my voice in all that has happened to me.  Val helped give me my voice,  I see Off The Record and I think oh my goodness there are so many things to do, there are so many places that I need to visit there are so many words that I still need to speak, and I want to do more.  There is a part of me that wants to share it with everyone one who was there who helped me who listened Det plemmons, I am not sure what I would have done with out him, he was never doubtful just showed me the utmost kindness, Sam Schoenfeld who understood my need to protect and   wanted the same.  To people like Neil who fight for people like me, who see the injustice and want to make things different.  I feel like he saw the depth of the pain that day, and standing in front of that hotel, him touching my face and holding me, that is a moment that gave me years of safety that I never felt before.  People like Val who in going through her own hell wouldn't let it go and wanted to make it different for others.  Who reached out to me as a nobody and wanted to hear my story.  When I first emailed her her first words to me were how can I help ?  WHAT, how can you help, she didn't even know me but yet she saw my heart. you just by speaking by giving me a voice by listeneing you have helped beyond words.    She is a woman so strong and brave, and I long to be all the things that I se in her.  She is everything honest and true.  Oh I love these people.

I could't wait to see the end result and when it came to be I was terrified.  Its out there I can not deny the impact.  I can be ever so grateful for all those that have helped but I also have to hold my own heart and maybe that is the part I have been missing.  I am just so very sad in the documentary and I don't like that part.  I don't want to be sad, I don't want to be affected so maybe this is the next step.  This is out there a part of my life that I can't get back that I can do over, but that I can choice today to have a voice about and to make a difference for others.

I am sure there is a long road ahead of me,  I want things to change I want detectives to be different I want the system to change and I need to be a part of that, I want to be a part of that making things different.  I can't forget myself.  When I did this all those years ago I forgot about me , it wasn't important.  Today I have to be important and continue to make a difference if I feel that dread, and shame the rest of my life I will never find the things that I truly long for.  I have a feeling there is going to be a flood when those feelings come.  I am scared, terrified but I have a few forever people that are never going away and for them, they are my world, they are making things better for me and for so many others like me.

At this point, its not about everyone else , its about me and I am not comfortable in that place, but I have to if I am ever going achieve the dreams I hold in my head.  I have to if I am ever going to let go of that sad that I hold so tight.

Oh Goodness these people, I heart your heart.  I miss you more than words. 

My Person, 

The song I listened to on repeat while going through the entire court process, I feel like they help me, they were my snow on the sahara, they were there when I had nothing.  I will forever love them,  and I look forward to their safety, their loving arms, and ultimate kindness again. I heart your heart. 

 

A day of Miracles

This day is sometimes hard, often confusing and always brings many questions, tears, heartache and joy.  I look at my children and there is a peace, they are true joy in my life, they are my miracles of August 22, 2003. I can tell you that I started the day as many others. Just another day, I write that and it doesn't fit, it was just another day but to me this day changed EVERYTHING.Its a day that will affect my life, and the lives of my children forever. Because in 2003 I just wanted to be normal more than I wanted anything. I thought I was going to do normal things and for once be a normal girl.  I had no idea he had other plans.    This year on this day I have everything that I ever wanted and more and yet there is still a pain in my heart and I am not sure what to do with it. So on this day this year I am going to be grateful.

Today I woke up not really thinking about the day it was the first day of seventh grade!! Wow how crazy is that.  The kids were up early and  were ready to go they may not admit it but they were more than excited that school was starting again.  Today is an anniversary for me that people don't want to hear about, talk about or  even acknowledge.  Some years that has been really hard.  There are no cards no calls to make sure that I am doing ok. No one checks, its just me and this day.  This is an anniversary that isn't important to them.  But it is to me, this is my day of Miracles.

  So today Monday August 22,2016  I will be in my class, I will be loving life as a teacher,  my first year as a real teacher, totally certified in every way. My mom dropped the kids off at school, so I could make it to work by 7 and meet my kids at school. I hoped  that it is everything that Vincent and Mariska thought it would be; this first day.  I will beg for that first day of school photo, not believing its the start of seventh grade.   I loved hearing all about their day, friends that were in their classes, who they ate lunch with, the teachers they had.  They have an amazing math teacher this year from the Bahamas and he has an accent and the kids just love that. They were in need of a really good teacher and they got many this year I am more than excited for them.  Vincent is playing his game on the x-box his man time before dinner, I used to think it was crazy but he needs those few minutes of down time before dinner. Mariska is on you tube looking up dinner ideas and desserts that she wants to make.  Me I am here. Writing, grateful for the day that I had.  Thinking of my miracles. My heart is full, I am getting ready to make dinner, the kids will sit at the bar and again tell me all about their day and their teachers and things that they might need for the year. While dinner is cooking we will look over all the paperwork, I will sign and sign and sign some more.  We will eat dinner together watch some crazy reality TV I am sure, and we will laugh.  I will say goodnight give them a hug and a kiss grateful that they had the most amazing first day of seventh grade! Wow how did that all happen so fast.  I will clean the kitchen, fix the pillows on the couch, line up all of the channel changers on the coffee table making everything just right. I will check all the locks for the hundredth time, I will look around the house making sure that everything is in its place.  Practically perfect.  I will crawl into bed and be more than grateful that the day was full and wonderful and I might cry a little because my heart is still a little broken on this day every year. But I will smile at my special  miracles and know everything will be ok.  Someday. Today was a great day, a more than awesome great day. My job is amazing, I love the people that I work with,  my kids are extraordinary, my house is perfect and today even today was perfect .

I heart your heart . 

And so it goes

Things happen when you least expect it too. And so it goes.   Last night the nightmares began only last night they were about Bella.  I was happy and laughing people were there friends were there,  I was going crazy looking for pictures, pictures of the kids I think how they have grown and changed.  It was over a few days I think.  I was happy but there was a sad,  and then someone came into my room and sat on my bed, and they put two little outfits on the bed and asked whose are these?  And the dread, the shock, the oh my goodness, what do I do now hits. And I sat there on the bed unable to produce any words.  Tears streamed down my face and I said I can't I just can't and I left the room,  this person was kind and caring and everything perfect but I just couldn't.  I always say that I want people to speak about her yet this was my chance and I couldn't.  I didn't have the words,  couldn't explain the feelings.  So many little details running through my head,  I wish that I could have truly experienced something like this.  Someone giving me the time, someone wanting to know about her.  I just never did.

The entire nightmare,  I was running and yet when someone came there were no words and I spent the rest of the dream knowing that this is what I wanted and I didn't know how.  I don't know how to say the words I don't know how to sit with it.  And I finally called and asked if we could meet and talk, and it was everything perfect only I woke up before any words are spoken, the story of my life.

So many words need to be spoken and yet, I am quiet.  There are not people to share with.  There are not many people willing to stay.  Someday, I have to believe that someone someday will be all that I hope that can listen and still stay.  That can understand those days when there are no words.  They can understand those days when there are only tears.  That can share the joy on the days my heart smiles.  Yes someone someday for all of my days.

               I HEART YOUR HEART

10 7 5

So I heard this this morning and how telling that it is.  So I think that I am going to try. I mean really should it be so difficult, well yes I do believe that it is more difficult than it looks.

10 life defining moments .

7 choices that I have made

5 people that have made a huge impact on who I am.

I can't put it in one post that would be more of a book so I will split them up and lets see what happens.

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Defining Moments , OK so there are 11 that's OK right :)

1.  Praying at 5 to die, because you didn't want to wake up and endure another day.

2.  The night that I couldn't stop crying, and woke up my father.

3.  The night that I woke up and had to hold his cross.

4. The moment that I knew no one was going to help me , I was on my own

5.  Albert killed my tadpoles

6.  Pressing charges /Det Plemmons

7.   Testifying for Angela

8. Charles

9. My children

10. James holding my hand

11.  James coming for my graduation

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7 Choices that I have made

1. To continue with school

2.  To keep fighting , always

3. To prosecute Bob

4. To be a mom

5. To go to DC, participate in a documentary about going through the court system

6. Continue counseling

7. Allowing my mother back in my life

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5 most influential people

1. Bob

2. Albert

3. Det Plemmons / Sam

4. James

5. Valerie and Neil


So here is the short list , more to come.    My life how crazy unbelievable it has been.

I NEED constant fixing

Yea this I heard this and it was like a light bulb went off, I do I so do, I need constant fixing and I can not even tell you how hard that is to acknowledge to even write down.  I want to be OK, I want to not be affected, I want things to be just what they are and not remind me of other things.  I want to be some kind of normal, and I am not sure what that is but I know that I have a picture in my head of what it looks like.  It means not seeing the things of my past.  It means no more flashbacks.  It means not being scared all the time. It means that my past isn't always there.  Because each and every day it is ,  its in my head all the time no matter what I do.  I have really good awesome days, and there are hours when my past isn't an issue when it is not affecting my daily life but then BAM it hits me hard and I want to curl up in a ball. I want someone to cover me protect me and keep me safe, I am an adult woman and that is just something that doesn't work. I don't want to have those moments anymore.  I don't want to have to go to counseling the rest of my life,  I have found a few really good ones but then there have been others, that were not so kind.  Others that have hurt my heart and I pay the price, there have been those involved in church make comments about keeping my legs closed !!!!! EXCUSE me , you have no idea.  People that have said well i made my bed so lie in it, when I was talking about how tired that I was being a mom and trying to do everything. What !!!!!  So I need to find someone that is going to stay that won't leave me in this incredibly hard work, because I know for sure that I can not do it on my own.  I know for sure that I do not want to do this on my own but I also know the kind of person that it takes to stay. And there are a few and I am thinking I need to hold on to them with all that I have, because I am little unsteady and I need help .  I need to be carried sometimes be held, because I am not as strong as I often pretend to be, really.  I am just doing what I have to do,  Surviving.   So in this life of mine I need strong people that can understand that a lot has happened in this life , I have survived it all and that is kind of amazing so every now and then just hold on to me,  just hear,  just be with me.  Hold on to me, I need that so very much.  So I am not sure how to just accept the fact that I am going to need constant fixing, its more than sad. And how do I expect people to stay , I can't.  Because I was taking with someone who truly gets it she gets it all and we said how people have no idea, they have no clue and that is really hard in this life.  How does a person go through being mostly misunderstood, who and how do people like me connect with.  I know that not everyone is going to understand my journey,  or where I am coming from or where I have been, and even the smallest acceptance would make a difference.  But I am most often not accepted not valued not looked at as someone that matters whose feelings are important. Am I sometimes fragile yes, but there are so many things for me to share.  I have a feeling I am going to spend my life in this place people coming and going,  and honestly most just go so I have to hold on to those that have decided to stay.   For those I am truly grateful.

x ambassadors: Unsteady

If you choose to stay I am grateful. 

I heart your heart.

Friends Far and away

For some time this has been on m mind. And I look through face book and think yea, that is someone else's friend, oh yea that's her friend, that's his friend that is "THEIR" friend  and that is something pretty recent.  I look at some of the relationships or lack of and I think why and how come , people get busy, I get left and that is just the way that it goes. I wonder if it  goes that way because they were never really my friends to begin with they were other peoples friends ?!?   I have begun to delete some of them because I am not one to pretend,  I am me. Strange crazy passionate, heart broken me, always in repair!   At this point in my life I want my own friends, people that I can connect with, people that can see my passion and not look at me like I have 12 heads. People that see me. People that hear me.  I think all of this became so clear a few months ago when my favorites came to town.  There was a dinner for my favorite people, and I had decided it wasn't good for my heart to go,  not that I didn't want to see my favorites but that I didn't belong there those people were not my friends those people do not check in to see how I am or know what is happening in my life, they are other peoples friends.  And for too long I have believed that those other peoples friends were mine,  but really they were never mine.  Some of those people that I have called my friends were not they were actually other people's friends,  and I can not pretend when I am the one who has had my heart broken.

As an example when I moved out of mothers house, people showed up helped me moved they asked how I was they were more than helpful, they moved my furniture, they were there.  I believed that those people wanted the best for me that they were my friends.  When they would come to the house there was a cordial hello, but there was no connection to me, and I thought it a little strange but that was just the way that it was.  I never heard from them seeing how I was, people were not there for me,  many of those people I don't remember the last contact that we had.    As the time came to move into my own home a little over 2 years later, there was no help there was no connection there was nothing, just silence and I realized that those people were only there for someone else and not for me.  I was crushed but that is the way that it was, and I saw things a little clearer, no one called to see if I was ok, if there was anything that they could do because I was not their friend. I was alone, and out of the blue a guardian angel sent me a message and I was helped to get movers.  Because I mattered because, they knew what it was like moving as a single mom.  Such a blessing, that I will forever be more than grateful for.  I was thought of,  I was a thought, and I cried and cried I wasn't alone.

There are church people that I once  did bible study with  then I was forgotten, I didn't belong with those people they write bible studies and I question it all.  Not my people, I never fit there, I once thought that I did. People I once had coffee with I was forgotten, and I have reached out I did, I tried to keep the connection but a person can't keep a connection when they are the only one fighting.  It truly becomes exhausting, and not worth it.   I am not sure if there was ever a connection in the first place.  Of coarse I think there is something terribly wrong with me,  because I would ask, I literally spoke the words," is there something wrong with me ?"  Why am I so different ?  The answer was always the same no not at all everyone loves you, they talk about you and a smile comes to their face.  That is puzzling, if those things are true then why am I mostly alone in this world?

I know I have to face it, I don't do friends very well, childhood was spent as far away from people as possible they were hurtful and dangerous so for a second imagine that being your foundation. There was no childhood best friend,  no one to do school with , to share things.  Come on I spent lunch in high school hiding in the library,   So maybe I view friendships different,  I don't hang around just to have someone there, if I call you a friend I would jump in front of a barreling train for you, that is who I am.  I do not say that I love you lightly. I love with my entire heart, probably to a fault at times.  And at this point I am expecting the same thing from others.

Believe me I know that not everyone can be your friend, some personalities and people just are not meant to get along, I know that but I will not for the sake of saying I have friends pretend to be something that I am not.  I will never forget when one woman that I truly admire, who is a favorite said to me well not everyone can be your best friend, I heard that on repeat in my head! At the time it was like a knife through my heart, I was never asking for best friends I was asking not to be forgotten. Even today that moment has been stuck like gorilla glue in my mind.  I don't want others to have to pretend to be there.  Either be there or don't, but don't you dare pretend to be there, and be something that you are not.  DO NOT do that to someone like me who values friendship like family, like forever people.  I guess those people were just not meant for me.

Today there are true friendships in my life.  The people that I work with are amazing and I am crazy me and we support and really care for each other.  We sometimes get on each others nerves, but we laugh with one another and want to make sure that we are ok. We support each other and it all gets done. There are my favorites in Colorado that provide safety and protection and a listening ear anytime that I need it.  I am sure I receive more than I could ever give them,  its a back and forth and I am sure that they were one of the first true friends that I had in my adult life.  And the people that I met, while filming in DC, those people have a caring those people hold my heart,  they make sure that I am ok, they have an understanding that goes beyond any explanation.  I have known them a short time, but feel like they are soul people.  They may be far away but they are forever so close in my thoughts.  They fought for me, when I wasn't sure that I had any of my own fight left. I can even say that on Facebook I have found a few people that I have never even met that get me that understand that have the same kind of compassion for others that I have, that have survived the unimaginable that still love people and they have a love of life that only you can understand when death has been at your door.  I am sure to meet some of these people, I know they are there and everyday I send them good thought and I heart their heart in this crazy world that we live in! I even think I found people at the church I was going too, these were amazing people, true people I just feel l that right now they are on one side of the grand canyon and I am on the  other,  I long to be on the other side close to them, and am working on the ladder but its just not long enough yet.   I am struggling to get to the place where they are, to fit in and be a part and I just am not sure how I fit yet.

I think in all of this I am learning that I value people differently, I am not one that needs thousands, I need a few close that care, that understand .  Would I like more, absolutely,  I wish there was more constant in my everyday,  but I am working on that,  I usually don't have a clue what in the world I am doing,  but when I say that you are my friend oh I can not even tell you how I carry and worry about your heart.  Maybe the best friends come when things have been so bad and you were so alone and I know exactly what that feels like and I never want any of my friends to ever have to experience that feeling ever ever.  To my friends,  I can not even begin to tell you how grateful that I am for you and what you meant to my heart. How much that I love you.  There just are not any words yet in any language for you to understand .  I am more than grateful for each one of you, for commenting on my crazy posts, for just letting me know that you are there.  For reaching out to me because reaching out is not something I do well, I would never want to be a pest !!!  If you are my friend know how I heart your heart, with all that I am.

Enya : one by one 

Much love, So much LOVE I heart your heart. 

all that is unjust, WE are People , just people.

Oh my heart breaks for all the things that are happening in this world.  People blaming the police , people blaming men people blaming other people. People blaming black men people blaming white men.  There are thousands of articles of people giving their opinion wanting people to take sides, wanted people to choose between one or the other and my head just spins.  I can not get my head around violence around hatred around judging others because of the color of their skin because of who they love , so much judgement.  I watched the news the entire time that the shooting went on here in Dallas,  into the early morning hours until after the sun came up,  my heart was broken I feel the depth of what happened so deeply as I feel everything.   I may be nieve in this topic but these are just my experiences, of people, all people black people white people,  and even the police.  I don't see color I see people, and maybe thats a bad thing, I saw an article saying that you have to see a difference but me I don't and I never have. I see injustice, that is what I see.

I just want to be a person that loves for who you are, for how you treat others for your kindness.  I don't understand racism and hating someone for the color of their skin, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND! I have been raped by white men I have been raped by a black man , when its said and done I was raped my MEN.  They made those choices that will forever affect my life.  Some of the best people that I know are just that people. I have known police that were good and kind that were everything that an officer is supposed to be and I have also seen officers that mocked and laughed at me.  Again they were men, people that made decisions, decisons that have affects that I will never forget.  I refuse to take sides,   black or white,  I refuse to accept the injustices that are going on in the world today. I refuse to blame one person or the other and I wish there were more delicate words in my head to explain where I am coming from.  There are just so many thoughts.

And my children, they are part African american.  And I write that and its a knife,  not because they are half African american but because of the violence they were created in.  We have not yet had the conversations about their race, but I am sure in time it will come in time. Others have made comments to them "are you black ?  Are you Mexican ?  Are you mixed ?"  I remember having a garage sale when they were babies and someone saying, oh they are beautiful what are they mixed with ?  What are they mixed with , they are beautiful children , just two beautiful children in this world.

I see people I see their hearts and souls. I hope that is how my children will see things.  In high school my best friend who watched out for me who helped me who carried me when I could not stand on my own was black and  I saw him for him not for the color of his skin.  I just don't understand the hate, we are all people and life is too short to judge by color , orientation, race, size, weight, religion.  Just be people and love , love with your whole heart and only good things will come.  Again and again we come to something a friend said to me once during a life group, she said "You can't be everyone's best friend,"  I was drowning at the time and took those words to heart.  Believe me from some one with very few friends I understand that exactly.  I understand that not everyone can be your friend, I understand that some people ok myself is hard to love and be a friend and get to know, but I am a person and you don't have to be my friend but you must be kind. That phrase has stuck with me all these years later and it has a grip on me.  I have seen and experienced things I can never put words too,  I have seen and experienced great evil, but I love people with my whole heart and if I say that I love you that I am your friend I mean it with every fiber of who I am.  I am more than grateful for those that have stayed by side carried me when I needed and stepped back so I could do things on my own.  There were people, just people doing what  all any of us can us they were loving and being people as a whole.  A kind beating heart person, who saw me saw others as the same.  Sure there are different connections to different people thats the amazing thing about differences, and that what makes life worth living,  what makes this world around us amazing.    

I heart your heart.   

A sadness in the eyes

With the passing of Ellie Wiesel, and all that has accomplished and all that he has been through he still asks if he would be going to heaven ?  And I yell at the TV , Oh dear man of coarse you are going to heaven.  The things he has suffered, the joy he has had and yet the sadness was never far away. He had a kind soul, and the kindness of heart but he also had a sadness so deep in his soul that you could see it in his eyes.  I don't know if everyone can see it , or if just some.  Maybe some don't see the sadness.  I see it, I see it even in his smile. Even with the joy that he has in his life his wife his son his grandchildren,  even in the joy there is a sadness the things that can not un-see in his life, the atrocities that he experiences the death that he saw,  the sadness that we can read and imagine but really have no clue that kind of sadness, and that sadness, I saw in his eyes and each and every time that I watched him or read his books I could feel that sad.

And maybe I can see it in his eyes because I can so relate.  I do have Joy oh my goodness, there is so much joy in my children  in teaching in sitting in my own home knowing that I am providing for my children.  I am doing all of these things and I truly love life , things are better now than they have EVER EVER EVER been and yet there is a sadness and I want to understand that, and I just don't.  

Does it come from the things that I cant un-experience, that I can't get back what was taken, from the horror in my heart sometimes, from the people who push me to the side like I don't matter,  from the things that I can not un see.  From the terror that sometimes comes from nowhere ,  is that where the sadness lies ?  I wish that I knew that I could tell you.

Al through out my life I have set these goals to happiness,  once I finish school once I tell the kids once I get my dream job once I am in my own house, ONCE I have these things then that sadness will dissappear, thats is what I LONG for what I have more than hoped for!!! Was I lying to myself ?  None of those things have made this sad go away and its not the sad that I think anyone can fix its a sad that is so very deep, maybe its just one of those scars that never goes away.  Maybe I am just going to have to learn to take the joy and hold it tight and then those days when the sadness wins, maybe I can give myself that space and know that it won't last forever,  give myself  some time some kindness and know that the joy in my life is greater and soon I  will hold that again too ?

Such a struggle when I truly have so much Joy and there are things in my life that I wouldn't change for the world,  but that deep sadness, I would give away in a second.

I don't know, and this is the place I am in , I experience such joy but that deep sadness is always there.  What to do with that sad,  who to tell, who can walk with me, who can hold me up who can hold my hand and understand and at the same time see the joy and do life the good life with me,  Such a crazy place to be in and I wonder do others that have survived the unthinkable the unimaginable do they feel the same ?  Will it ever go away are we able to feel the great joy that we do because of the deep pain that we have felt ?  So many questions and I think that with so many questions in my life this one is getting bigger and bigger. So much suffering so much Joy, I am not asking for all the pain to be taken away that just isn't an option but oh please that deep sadness under it all, does that just come with the unthinkable ?

I can see this sadness sometimes in people sometimes its when they are talking about a particular thing I have seen it a few times in people who have such great compassion.  I see that sadness in a whales eyes, I can see it in some people through the joy.

I think I sometimes feel more than guilty because the sad is so deep and at the same time there is so much good things so many things I have accomplished and created! I feel guilty that sadness should not be there for me anymore, I can not change it make it go away and I just am not sure what to do with that.


Oh So Many Questions .  My poor heart. My poor friends. I am sorry.

Toni Childs : Dreamer 

I heart your heart.

Just love the broken parts too

I saw these words this morning and it made me think of the past few weeks.  I think that in everyone's life there are people that like me, people that hate me, people that are indifferent and there are a few people that love all of my pieces, even the ones that can't be fixed, the ones that will always just be a part of me.  And those are the people that are important.  That's the beauty of being a person, of truly being loved broken pieces and all. I have very few of these, but the ones that I have I treasure and hold so very dear.

Its the people that love your broken parts, that see them but see you first, that will carry you through those really hard life moments when you just can't take another step on your own.  I have had those kind of people.  There was a time when I had a friend carry me for a few years, they were truly my training wheels as I clung to life digging myself out of a deep dark hole.  You don't find those people all the time, and when you do, keep them close. Always in your heart.

I am sure in the beginning I was carried, that is the only reason why I made it, I was carried, I was loved I was more than cared for,  as I got better closer to the light,  I would ride but they stayed close being my training wheels, making sure that I was ok giving me the courage to do life ,until one day I was able to ride on my own.

And I need that in different areas of my life.  I need people close, to care and at times to carry me when I am not sure that I am going to make it.  I know I will make it I know that I am a fighter but that life of a fighter is terrifying and often lonely and knowing that someone will stay at the darkest means more than having  a hundred friends when you have a party, it means more than any party or shower that a person can be invited to.  It means everything.

I think that at different times in a persons life, we need different things, people come into our lives for a time then leave,  But I have to believe that there are going to be people that come and that will be forever. I need that, I hate that I need that but I do.   So I am going to count myself so very lucky for the ones that I have for the people far away in the east and to the west,  that would carry me,  and give me rest, those people that are my soft place to fall that hold my heart that, just know with no words.

So those people that have held my heart, I always hold them close, and I hope in the future there might be others,  others that I don't even know that I would never expect because that is when it happens,  that is when it truly happens. So today I am going to hold my heart and know the gift that I have been given in a special few,  and know that they are my forever people.  I am grateful they see me.  

To those, I heart your heart.  ALWAYS 

People

Yea so this is big and important and a long time coming.  I am not sure where to begin or how this is going to come across but so many things need to be said. I am done.  I am tired of people sticking up for others that have not been kind, I am tired of people saying that they care when words and actions do not match.  You know that saying action speaks louder than words,  YES, that. I listen to your words, but your actions or lack of action tells the truth. I am more than grateful for oh oh so many things, but all the gratefulness , I also can't ignore the disrespectful and cruel either, no one deserves those things.  My grateful kind heart has limits. I am the same all the time, if I love you, you know it,  I do not pretend.

I am not an easy person to love or like really I know that. There are very few people that understand where I am coming from and love me anyway.  For those people I am more than grateful, the ones who have stayed who tell me when I am full of it, or tell me to get back out there in life.  I have a very small circle, and in my everyday that circle is even smaller, just the facts. I am a weirdo, I am strange I am different, I observe a lot of the time, I view life and the world around me different.  I expect things from others, certain kindnesses no matter what.  I hate small talk.  I speak when I have something to say.  I like deep meaningful conversations, where there is a sharing of a heart and a learning more about a person.  I like conversation with you about you but not at you.

My favorite people come into town, you know that I love these people so very much, they are my people and they put up with my crazy.They always have a dinner so that all of their friends can come and  I have been a few times.  But huge crowds are not my thing and I am not good at being fake. The place where I am,  Most of those people are not my friends, and though I wanted to see one of my favorites, the cost to myself would have been great.  I don't hear from anyone of those people really, they are not my people.  My favorites, yes but the others are their friends and not mine.  I could not go and pretend that my heart has not been broken by many of them so I didn't go.  I was fine with that the day was perfect.

Then there was a text about those people caring and asking how I was, and that they care.  It made my blood boil.  I was more than angry and wanted to scream, NO don't you dare tell me that they were asking about me, that they care. You have no right to say that, because there have been times when I was drowning and they looked the other way.  There were times I reached out wanting understanding and nothing.  NO response no contact no nothing so don't insult me by saying they care because their actions over time have proven to me, exactly the opposite.  Their actions do not meet their words and I WILL NOT pretend and be fake.

I am tired of pretending,  I know I have very few people, believe me I know that,  that is how it is.  I am getting old and I don't want to apologize anymore for the person that I am.  I am in the best place that I have been in a long time and I worked my ass off getting here.  I have done this, I have fought and I have made it, there is a lot of fighting left, but I keep going.

Sure people step out as other peoples friends, but they are not mine.  They are not and maybe they can pretend,  maybe they genuinely ask how I am .....but newsflash, they know my number they know where I am and for some of them its been years, some its been months and nothing.  NOTHING So please no they don't care, NO THEY DO NOT.          

There is a woman whose writing that I love who talks about writing from a scar and not a wound.  So I probably should not even be writing because this is more of a  wound, than I would ever like to admit.  For so long I kept trying to reach out, trying to be loved to be liked to fit in and and each time I was shut out, or ignored,  over time I would continue to reach out and it comes to the point where a person just can't keep trying getting their heart broken.

I feel everything absolutely everything, I take things personal and take things to my heart.  These days I am guarding my heart.  Learning to move away from the wound and maybe someday when I get closer to the scar I can go to those dinners.

I know that as people we are all in different places in life, we experience different things, we are all in different seasons but we are all in this life and I know not everyone can be your best friend , but at least be real and genuine, we have this one life, just be kind in the place that you are in.  Kindness changes everything. 

  

I heart your heart. More than you can possibly imagine,  be careful with mine. 

 The Chainsmokers :  Don't let me down

April 22, 2004

I often can not believe how fast that these twelve years have gone by,  April 22, 2004 my life changed forever and it has been the most amazing, challenging, unbelievable time of my life. I have been trying to write this for months now, writing and rewriting, writing some more.  I wanted to have this done on their birthday, didn't happen, tried for mothers day, I thought that is perfect they made me a mom; nope didn't happen.  I think back seeing them  grow up as wonderful and amazing as it is its also terrifying.  They are 12 oh my goodness!   There are a lot of days that I don't have a clue what I am doing.  Sometimes they do things and I think what in the world ?? Is this normal ?  Because I have no clue what normal 12 year olds are like !!!  Seriously no clue!!!  Oh my goodness I worry about them , oh I worry about their little hearts how they see the world I worry about them being safe I worry about making the right choices for them I worry about being a good enough mom.  I know that I have not missed a moment in their life, I was there for all the firsts, and from the moment I found out I was pregnant with them, they were all that mattered they were the reason that I took every breath.  Oh my goodness I was one of those amazing pregnant people , I never stopped smiling, I love every single second!!  Seeing them grow and turn into these amazing young humans is so surreal.  I just watch them sometimes not believing that I get to be their mom.   They are these amazing kind, caring people that are going to do great things in this world and I get to be their mom.

They have not had an easy life,  but they have always had everything that they needed. They have never had to go without,  I would go without to make sure that they had all that they needed.  Always, Always, ALWAYS.  There are going to be things in this life that they have to deal with that are different, there are things that I hope they will come to understand.  Through it all e are a family, and they are my most amazing, they made me a mom and these first 12 years have been everything and more than I could have ever imagined.

Mariska Anne, oh my goodness, there are so many things that she is so much like me.  She is different,  she will tell you what she thinks sometimes and only if you ask.She will smile and pretend that she is fine, even as tears stream down her face.  She has a smile that lights up a room, and a spirit that is blooming.  She loves to read, oh that girl loves to read she can spend hours in a book store, and in less than a day can  read at least a 500 page book and is on to the next.  She loves sharks, She has this love for science fiction things like the Hunger Games and Divergent, she has read them all hundreds of times and can tell you all the little details.  She is always one to say oh the book was so much better.   She is so stinking smart, she doesn't even have to try, she just gets things, they just make sense to her, which makes school pretty boring for her.  She wants a challenge and wants to do new things.  She is a sensitive thinker,  things bother her and if you don't know her you would never imagine.  She always watches, checks things out, oh she always has, since the day she was born.  For me if I don't know you or don't like you I don't fake it well and of my sweet Mariska doesn't either.  She is always polite but her face can not tell a lie.  She helps out around the house, and puts her whole heart into what she is doing if she finds it interesting.  She loves to cook, and help in the kitchen, she will make dinner and goodies just to help out.  She really cares about the world around her and that is more than amazing to see.  She loves her music and talking Angela, and has a little giggle that melts my heart.  She loves her puffy hair and  will say with a smile on her face I woke up like this.  Oh my goodness, she is something else,  this 12 year old of mine.  She thinks all the time,  if she hasn't read the book TV isn't her thing, but she has a thing for cheesy lifetime movies lately,  she thinks they are hysterical and if you aren't watching she will give you a play by play.  She sometimes lives in her own little world and I think oh my goodness chick what are you doing, ?! She doesn't have to worry about love or safety and that is good for my heart.  She lives in the world, giving us all so much,  I can not believe its been 12 years.  I look forward to the things that she will do in the future.  She is taking AP classes next year, Drama and still is in Choir.  She is on student council and has a blast,  how did I get so lucky, this special girl of mine is unbelievable amazing.   

 

And Vincent Guy .  He has more kindness than I could have ever imagined.  He has a heart that I am not sure even I am prepared for.  Every single day he amazes me.  He worries about me all the time and watches absolutely everything I do.  He is also a lot like me, he is a worrier he will help out a friend anytime anywhere.  He has always gravitated towards those who needed a little extra TLC.  He is the friend that is there and sticks up for you, no matter what.  He always takes those special people under his wing and makes sure that they are taken care of.  The two of us bump heads often,  but the love I have for him is something special, he is one of the good guys and he is my son.  I am more than blessed.  He works so very hard at everything that he does all the time.  He is passionate about Hockey and of coarse his favorite team the BRUINS ! His room is the color of gold and black,  he has to work really hard in school but not once do I ever have to remind him to do his homework, EVER! He is respectful and kind and worries about the injustices of the world,  WOW the things he is going to do, he will touch many heart I am sure.  He plays the violin and is really good!  I was a little worried but oh, its beautiful and again he loves it.  He loves for the two of us just to sit outside and talk.  He is also a thinker and has deep thoughts,  he is also a writer he has kept a journal for years now and I am sure as he looks back he can see where he has come.  He has this soul, something special, a gentle spark that makes him amazing.  He helps me oh so very much, from hanging pictures to doing the yard.  I don't know what I would do with out him.  He is always making sure that I am OK, that I am taken care of,  I reassure him that I am fine.  He listens really listens,  he follows the rules and expects everyone else to do the same.    He is smart, but busts his hiney kind of smart it doesn't just come to him,  He is in robotics and is going to travel and compete next year, My son already programming!  I never imagined.  Every teacher that I speak to has nothing but great amazing things to say and it melts my heart every single time.


 I so loved when they were little but oh I love seeing the people that they are becoming.  I worry all the time that I am not enough, that there are so very many things that they have to deal with and yet they shine.  I am amazed, Amazed that they are mine that I get to be their mom, Just the three of us one special kind of family, that I could never imagine would be so So wonderful.  I love you both more than you can ever imagine.

I heart your heart.  I love you, I love you.

Momma.

This song fits we might not do this life the traditional way, but oh I love every single day.

"I can't wait to see whats around the corner.  I can't wait to soar........ Its the little things that make a home"

Yes they are my home, and I look forward to doing it over every single day with them <3

Blue October "Home"