The needs of Mourning

You would think that these things are something easy to understand, to grasp and to take care of but they are not at all. I have been doing a lot of reading by Alan Wolfelt and I have to say that his work is something that I will bring with me in my professional counseling journey.  I think that Loss is something that is so overlooked.  People are so quick to tell you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and I do believe there is a time that is needed.  I also believe that there are some things so profound that they need to be dealt with gently and kindly with an understanding of all that was lost.  So in this article that was recommended there are 6 needs of mourning.  I am going to use the word loss, such an incredible amount of loss.  Everything was taken before I even knew it was mine to have.  

1. Acknowledging the reality of the loss

2. Embracing the pain of the loss

3. Remembering the thing that was lost 

4. Developing a new self-identity

5. Search for meaning 

6. Receive ongoing support from others 

I don't know, I look at the list and somedays I think ok I know things were lost, and I think that I have all of these things covered.  I look at the list and think acknowledged yep, embracing, not so much, sometimes I can.  Remembering what was lost, Yea I remember everything.  Developing a new self-identity, I am working on that.  I need to believe that I am more than all the things that have happened. I am finding meaning now.  Going to grad school that desire to help others, I think maybe the biggest struggle is that support piece.  I am not sure how someone like me, finds that.  I look at this list and think, I have all of these things down and yet I talk about this immeasurable amount of sad that I feel in my bones.  There is a sadness I feel a good amount of the time, that I am different, that I am behind.  I struggle with feeling worthy and enough.   I can tell you in the last few weeks I have gotten out from under a cloud of sadness, but its still there just not as gigantic as it was.  I think just sometimes I am able to put it on a shelf and do what I have always done and just keep moving forward.  That is what I am good it, that is what I know how to do. Lately I don't want to put it on the shelf anymore I want to look at it, see it feel it and just be done.  I am struggling with Spunky.  I need her so I can move forward.  It's more than hard she has been through so much.  I want good things for her, she has to trust me and just take that step make that move and step out of the awful. I know that she has been through so much and I have this need to be ever so gentle with her.  She is strong yet delicate,  Brave yet cautious. She has carried the weight of the world, and needs some relief.  

I found this poem that went with the picture. Grateful for these words:

I’ve been carrying this glass balloon around with me for a while now.

So fragile and yet so heavy.

I’m terrified to let it go. In case it breaks, smashes.

And I have nothing left.

I can’t deflate it.

But it’s weighing me down

and the longer I hold it, 

the sooner I feel like I’ll buckle under the weight of it.

And how do I explain to others that I am carrying something so delicate yet so substantial? How do I ask them to help me carry this thing that they cannot see?

Perhaps I’m not supposed to let it go.

Perhaps I’m supposed to tie it to my heart and carry it around forever. And it will remain as heavy and as fragile as it has always been, but I will get used to carrying it. 

I will learn how to hold it on the difficult days, rather than letting it hold me. 

I will learn how to let it lift me up rather than letting it weigh me down.

I will learn how to explain it to others rather than shouldering the weight in silence.

And as time goes on, maybe…

Just maybe…

I will figure out

how to let it fly.

*******

Becky Hemsley 2023

Artwork created with Bing

Remember that we can grieve so many things. No matter what you grieve, your glass balloon is valid 🤍

'Glass Balloon' is from the book When I Am Gone https://a.co/d/iGsUaJO

How far I have come

 12-15-2023 

Today I took the day off work. It was a dark cold and rainy day, and I enjoyed every single second of it.  I had all the Christmas lights on all day and enjoyed my home and where I am. It was the most peaceful day that I have had in a very long time.  There was a peace that I can' t explain and a feeling in my heart that all was well with the world. I look around my home and realize that it's all me,  I did this I decorated and made everything beautiful. I worked my butt off to get to this place and today I felt the peace.  I wrote, and I listened to music.  I sat and enjoyed every second of each moment .  I realize that there is a delicateness to things in my life and a heaviness to things still to be dealt with but more than that there was a calm.  When I wanted to sit down, I sat and there was no guilt that I should be doing something.  I checked my grad school grades, both A's 100's actually and that feels more than amazing. I have come a long way these last few years. I have a number of days that still knock the breath out of me, but I am moving in the right direction. I am making changes that feel right for me.  There are still struggles don't get me wrong but today; today  was the most perfect day and I hope that I can have more days like this.  

I heart your heart 

  

The greatest gift

 When my mom passed away I received the greatest gift; I got my life back.

I heard those words last weekend when I met a friend for coffee. Those words hit hard. The tears started flowing. I felt like I became a living breathing person again when she passed away. The weight that was lifted was something that there are no words for. I was sad for those around me that were heartbroken. For me there was simply relief. To this day that is the overwhelming feeling . I find out more information and it just cements that feeling. When I do get sad its because of the mom that I needed that I never got. She tore me down in so many ways and I will never understand. The words I have heard since she passed away. The words that were written about who I was as a person.the documents I have seen that  broke my heart all lead to the fact I meant nothing. I am sitting writing in my room and I remember the last time she was in here sitting on my ottoman. She wanted the two of us to take a trip. I told her no, one it was the kids senior year. Two not sure where she thought the money was going to come from for this trip. It was a strange interaction, why now do you want to go on a trip?? Right after she had jut gotten back from Alaska with my brother. I was heartbroken that was a trip we had always talked about taking. I was just more than hurt. She could never understand. I was supposed to be excited for her. 

I hope in time the hurt will lessen. How she viewed me and how I was treated were things I will never understand. She didn't like the person I was, Or the mom I am. She never understood my heart. Even though she was abused by her father , she chose to forgive him and that worked for her. She could never accept her role in all that happened to me. She was unable to understand my anger that I was never safe. She saw that I was just holding a grudge and was unwilling to let go, it went so much deeper than that and she never saw it.

I am the best place and have move so far forward since she passed away. What I received was a gift, and I am more than grateful, and now I move forward . 

I heart your heart

So hard to Undersrand

 

I wish there was an easier way to understand parts and pieces of me. So much of the time I feel crazy. I feel less than and like I am always 20 steps behind everyone else.   I can so easily put different aspects of myself in a box. For me that is little Callahan, the 5-year-old part of me.  There is me, the 48-year-old who struggles to do all things and keep everything in this life running and taken care of.  Then there is the thirteen-year-old part of me that I have lovingly called Spunky. It not multiple personalities, I am not different people.  Just the abuse was hellish, and I had to do something to make sense of it all in my little life.  My life was unimaginable and yet I kept kindness and was able to see and appreciate the little life things around me. The birds, the flowers, the breeze in the branches.  In noticing the little things and keeping kind I was able to survive. It was purely a way to see the good things that wouldn't hurt me, and it helped me live another day. I understand why I did them. I understand that I was under an enormous amount of stress and trauma took its toll.  As a 48-year-old woman there are still pieces that I struggle to get my head around. As a 48-year-old woman I am sad that there was no care or support to get through the hardest experiences.  I can see those parts of me as something different from myself.  See this is where it gets so complicated. I know how it is in my brain and sometimes when I write or say the words it seems so crazy. I know I did what was necessary to survive but today those same things are also a struggle. A person should not have to see parts of themselves far away because their life was just that violent. I had to put the things that happened to me on that sweet five-year-old.  I had to lock that spunky thirteen-year-old girl away because I cannot even comprehend the hell that she lived through.  There are big memories that I don't have, big experiences that I remember a few small seconds of. Can you imagine big moments in your life and remembering only a fraction of it?  That is my every day.   There are small things, and I can tell you about every detail from colors on the walls  and the fringe on the rug and the pillows.  I can tell you what I was feeling but I often can't tell you why. I see hands, I can remember fingernails and shape and yet not be able to see the face of the hands.   

 last night the nightmares were crazy, lots of running trying to get away. Then it was some kind of interview, Spunky was in the chair her eyes open and She was trying to speak. I am still trying to wrap my head around that. I know she has so much to say, no one ever gave her the chance to talk. She was silenced before we even knew it. You just didn't talk about it. You just keep going smile and pretend that everything is fine. We are so done pretending. I want to be in a place where things make sense and we are moving forward. Closer than ever, we can do this as hard as it is. 

I heart your heart

Just lean on me

 

Sweet Spunky So many things to say 

I want to wrap you up keep you warm and show you the good things in this world

I want this much for you, I want you to know peace, and safety and all the love 

Love that you never imagined even existed 

You have lived a thousand lifetimes in your one little life

you have known life's greatest losses, in 13 short years

I would take it all for you in a single split second, but I can't

I can't make it all go away

please just lean on me , lean and know that I will not let you fall.

So careful of your feelings, because I understand them all

Your feelings deserve to be respected, and honored

I know you are afraid , I know that people have not been kind 

I know that you are ashamed, you are broken and battered but you are so much more than that

You are worth more than the memories and pictures that play in your head

I know that there are things you can never forget, I know

I know that the pictures repeat, the more you get them out 

the less power they  will have  to haunt you

Neither of us can do it on our own.  Remember I am you and you are me.

I don't understand how it all works,  you have carried me for years, and I have carried you

lighten the load and believe in the good things and the good people that 

are around us today

Lets do it together, I need you

You are a part of me that is strong and brave

I would not have survived without you

Now, it's my turn to let you rest.

We believe we are each alone and that couldn't be further from the truth

I need you to know, I have to move forward.  I have to keep going  

I can finally see good things ahead and I want you to experience them with me 

I want you to laugh, I want you to smell the flowers and feel the breeze

you have missed out on each and every life experience that a girl is supposed to have

I don't want to miss anymore,  and to do that you have to trust and just reach out

Jump on that bridge, run To me and never look back 

Those things can never hurt you again

You forget that you survived, 

there is no need to figure things out or to prove those things happened

You are believed, 

together we are going to burn that bridge and truly live

We have to do this together; I am not willing to leave you where you are

but I am tired of the fighting, tired of begging and pleading 

It's time. 

You have to trust me.  

Just lean on me and I will catch you.  I will catch you. There is no other option. 

Short on Words grateful for others