The greatest gift

 When my mom passed away I received the greatest gift; I got my life back.

I heard those words last weekend when I met a friend for coffee. Those words hit hard. The tears started flowing. I felt like I became a living breathing person again when she passed away. The weight that was lifted was something that there are no words for. I was sad for those around me that were heartbroken. For me there was simply relief. To this day that is the overwhelming feeling . I find out more information and it just cements that feeling. When I do get sad its because of the mom that I needed that I never got. She tore me down in so many ways and I will never understand. The words I have heard since she passed away. The words that were written about who I was as a person.the documents I have seen that  broke my heart all lead to the fact I meant nothing. I am sitting writing in my room and I remember the last time she was in here sitting on my ottoman. She wanted the two of us to take a trip. I told her no, one it was the kids senior year. Two not sure where she thought the money was going to come from for this trip. It was a strange interaction, why now do you want to go on a trip?? Right after she had jut gotten back from Alaska with my brother. I was heartbroken that was a trip we had always talked about taking. I was just more than hurt. She could never understand. I was supposed to be excited for her. 

I hope in time the hurt will lessen. How she viewed me and how I was treated were things I will never understand. She didn't like the person I was, Or the mom I am. She never understood my heart. Even though she was abused by her father , she chose to forgive him and that worked for her. She could never accept her role in all that happened to me. She was unable to understand my anger that I was never safe. She saw that I was just holding a grudge and was unwilling to let go, it went so much deeper than that and she never saw it.

I am the best place and have move so far forward since she passed away. What I received was a gift, and I am more than grateful, and now I move forward . 

I heart your heart