Parks

Parks yep something that simple.  Sometimes parks are just parks and sometimes for people like me parks are something very  different.  Today was an amazing day.  The sun was out there were only a few scattered clouds, the sky was the bluest blue.  We were at an elementary school playground.  There was plenty to do lots of trees and plenty to keep little ones occupied.  I was just watching the kids play enjoying the sun and just like that........My mind goes back in time. 

All I did was look up into the branches of the tree and with out notice, without warning I remember.  It doesn't bring me to tears anymore.  It isn't a sense of panic like it has been in the past its a series of pictures really that I can not believe that I lived through.  I had such courage at 5, that I am just a little jelous of. My mind goes back to that park with those little tadpoles and I try to ignore it make it go away but the more I ignore the more it sticks around.  Its almost like a silent movie, but every now and then there are faint sounds but you can't really make them out.  But I see everything with the clarity of it happening yesterday.  It still  makes me sad but it doesn't break my heart anymore.  There were other kids that were there though I don't know who they were or why they were even there.  I was alone, imagine that, in my own little world.  We were playing in this little creek, and there were tadpoles everywhere.  I was collecting them in my little bucket.  I am almost sure that I was talking to them, those little black tadpoles.  The weather like today was awesome, not too hot not too cold just a beautiful sunny day. 

We were in an area that was away from the road, that was praubably on purpose.  I know that Albert and I were in the red van, I am not sure how everyone else got there, crazy the little things that I think of now that don't make any sense any way that you lok at them.  Either way the other kids did not ride with us to the park they must have rode with his mother.  There was a picnic table made of stone where his mother was sitting, pretty close to the little creek, and then the red van further away from everything, off byitself.  And Albert called me, told me to leave the tadpoles, so I left them by the picnic table.  I remember the banks of the creek being pretty deep and I don't remember how I got in or out, but I guess it also doesn't matter.  Once again those things that you think and don't have a clue.  So Albert called me and I think he took my hand and walked me to the back of the van.  There were beanbags in the back of the van, once again another creepy detail that should have sent red flags blazing but the people around me weren't ones to notice any flags at all. 

So it goes .....Albert raped me in the back of the van.  I was 5.  I didn't scream or carry on, my mind already knew to be very far away. I remember looking at the trees, seeing the sky that was the moment that stuck, the moment I remember the most .  I could see out the side window of the van and the sky was just so beautiful, the sky was so blue there were big billowy clouds and I kept thinking why on such a beautiful day, why this most amazing day.  I am grateful I had already learned to go somewhere else in my head.  I was so very far away from what was happening, I can say my mind knew what was best.  I see each and every little detail, and its not a sadness but an absolute ache. 

He was done, walked away told me to get dressed.  I couldn't feel my body really, my legs were wobbly, and felt like Jello and I wasn't sure that I was going to make it.  I can remember that I kept telling myself its ok its ok over and over and over.  I just wanted to get back to my tadpoles.  Only Albert was there right by the table and as I went to pick up my bucket he kicked it over , I bent over trying to pick them up as fast as I could, but it wasn't fast enough.  He stepped on them with his big boots.  He bent down telling me that next time I wouldn't fight and he srarted stepping on my little tadpoles.  I just couldn't pick them up fast enough.  For the longest time, I felt so guilty that I couldn't save all of them.  That I couldn't pick them all up and get them back in my little bucket.   For the longest time this is what bothered me the most.  When I had to share when I was talking with the attorney's, when I would talk about my past it was always the tadpoles that hurt the most, because because I couldn't save them.  Today finally I don't feel bad that I couldn't save them.  I realize that there was nothing in that entire day that I could have done different to make things happen differently.  Reguardless of what I did, Albert still would have killed them.

I wish I understood why my mind goes back in time like it does sometimes.  Its alwys the little things that triger me the most.  I guess when you are that little and have such things happening you just connect what you know.  There was a time when I avoided going to any park, but I don't anymore.  And there are times I can go to a park on a beautiful day and not be triggered today just wasn't that day.  So I remember, I am amazed at how brave that little 5 year old was, and I try to remember that little one was me.  She was brave and today I am brave.  I have lived to see the park with my children and they get to experience it as every child should and that is something I am proud of.  SO today was rough, and I wish that it didn't happen, I wish that I didn't remember every detail so vividly, but there is not much I can do.  But I know that I am ok and further from that than I have ever been,I am ok truly ok.

Let It Go

Those little words are easier said than done.  The kids and I had a great new Years Eve we made steak and stayed up late listening to Music it was great! I felt good, looking at my graduation papers and thinking about the year to come.  So many new things are going to be happening for me.  I am going to be graduating and getting a real job and finding my own place a lot of really really good things.  My mom wanted us to come over for dinner New Years day, I said sure, I know that Vincent really wanted to so I said that we would go.  Well new years day came around and my heart become heavy, I knew walking into that house was going to be hard.  I wanted to check on the animals and make sure that they were well and being taken care of.  I wanted to check on Dorothy and Glenda and my old cat Maggie. So no call nothing then we get a message saying I am home the car is in the garage just park in the driveway.  And that started it, I didn't really want to go but its for the kids right ? !?

So we left a little late, and we made it there by a little after 11.  And the stories start to unfold things are said and you can't tell what is a lie and what is the truth anymore. And my heart knows and gets heavy.  She has been talking about this puppy by my brothers for some time and yes there is this tiny little puppy in her living room.  She said that she just had no money and that my brother paid for her to drive down there and get the dog. Once again talk about Money.  So many things were said so many lies and I just worry about Claire the dog that she already has.  So many stories that she catches herself in, its sad.  And there are presents for my children from my brother.  And my heart sinks a little, there is nothing for me.  And its not even about the presents its that he knows how much I was hurt when he came and still nothing.  Its about not even being acknowledged.  I feel like i am still being paid back for doing whats right for the kids and I at thanksgiving. And it hurt really bad. I do not understand my family, the stronger that I get the more I grow into who I am the more that I am pushed away. I sat in the chair just confused the tears ready to flow at any second.  The turtles have a dirty filter and not enough water.  She doesn't even know who is who and what they are suppossed to be doing.  I do not understand why I am being treated the way that I am.  And I want to!!!!!! I want to understand why they are not being kind to me,  why I am being excluded why all the lies, why can't they tell me the truth ?  Once she walked by and said oh Christmas wasn't the same with out you? And I don't have anything nice to say, so I don't.  And I just smile at Vincent and the little puppy.

I look outside and the trampoline net is broken.  And it makes me sad.  My children had the same net for years and it never broke.  My brother comes with his girlfriend and her children and its broken in one weekend. Two days.  It hurts because I am less than thirty minutes away and no one cared to call and let me know they were even in town. I sat in that chair that entire time that we were there and my heart was screaming I just wanted to get out, I wanted to run, I wanted to scream I wanted to shake someone and   beg for answers .......and I know that I could beg the rest of my life and still not get then answers that I am longing for.  I know there will never be the right sorry for how I have been treated.

It made me sad as I sat there looking around the house at Christmas things that were the kids, that they have had since they were small yet we didn't have them anymore.  Christmas decorations that we loved that were not ours anymore.  The house was just dark and cluttered.  There were things everywhere and it was more than frustrating for me.  Before we moved out I worked more than hard making sure that everything was picked up and in its place to avoid making her mad and none of it meant anything.  I could have done everything perfect and it would not have made a difference.  The problem was me.  Everything used to be so neat and everything had a place now it was dreary and stuff was absolutely everywhere.  Even when we had dinner there were things all over the other end of the table, even that wasn't cleared off.  It made me sad.  Sad that she is living like that, sad that things changed so drastically so fast.  The life and kindness is gone out of that house.

Yet again she has had another surgery.  This time on her hand, this makes surgery three or four since the time that school has started none of them she told me about, none of them.  But yet she is willing to show her stitches wanting someone to feel bad for her.  Its terrible when a person cares so much and took care of a person for everything then they don't even get told anymore when a surgery happens.  Its crazy really, and I have to learn to separate myself, there is absolutely nothing I can do.  She can call my brother and I hope that he can be there when she needs someone, because I can not give her any more of me.  I will not share of me right now its too dangerous, I need to protect myself and my heart and be around people that are with me moving forward.

Our animals do not have many manners, its crazy I mean they are just aother part of the family. and as soon as we started eating dinner, Dorothy my cat jumped right up on the table and made herself at home.  It made my heart smile.  I miss my cats.  And with this tone in her voice and this cackly laugh she said you just love that don't you?!?  And I just pet the cat ignoring her, I am not doing it to get under her skin its what the cats have always done, that used to make us laugh that all of the sudden was not OK with her.  Then there was Claire who put her feet up right beside me, and that didn't make things better.  I just wanted to leave.  My heart hurt being there, we didn't belong there, I don't belong there anymore and that is something that just isn't right.  Not one ounce of my being was comfortable there.  There is no pieces of us there. 

Every piece of anything that had anything to do with the kids and I is covered up or gone and I just don't understand.  The kids talk to me and I am so very grateful but the things that she says to them hurt my heart so very much.  She goes to school and has lunch with the kids and tells them well whatever is going on is between me and mom and tells them not to worry about it.  Though she is the one that is putting them in the middle.  I bite my tongue and I don't talk about her, I have worked more than hard making sure that I don't do that.  And she does that to them.  She brings her electric bill to lunch to tell Vincent how she has no money, What are you kidding me those are the things that hurt them.  There is no need for Vincent to worry about her financial health.   So many things, so many many things.  The lack of boundaries, the lack of respect the lack of truth are things that make her a person that I do not like anymore. 

I love her she is my mother she has hurt me more than I would ever like to admit.  She has hurt me more in these last three years than I ever would have imagined.  And for my own sanity my own peace I need to just let go. I need to let go of the little family that I thought I had.  Even my brother, he is changing and I don't know what to do. When she started changing and I was getting hurt , I would talk to him, I would cry and ask what I was suppossed to do that she was changing and not for the better,  now there is nothing.  I never wanted him to pick sides, I just wanted to be heard and be seen and someone to acknowledge how I was being treated.  I call him he always says I will call you back tonigh and never does.  I am just going to have to let go of that family that I used to have, that family that used to be there, Well its not anymore and that is hard.  What does a person do, when they are moving forward and all good things are happening and the more that good things are happening the more that you get mistreated by your family , what does a person do ......What am I supposed to do.  We came home from three hours at her house and my heart was more than drained, I was snappy at the kids there was nothing left of me. 

I have so many great things ahead of me and I am sorry that they can't be a part of that.  I am sorry that they can not celebrate with me. I am more than disappointed in my brother that he can't stand up to my mother and make his own decisions.  I am sad he is making me pay for making choices that he doesn't like.  It just hurts my heart so for this year.......I have to know that I can not change them.  I have to know that I am not doing anything wrong, for once I am doing things right and its driving them crazy .  I am doing whats right for my family for Vincent and Mariska and I will not and can not let them bother that.  So this year I have to let it go.  Be who I am and let them be who they are and right now there is no meeting in the middle.  I will live my life making things better.  And they can do what they do, but I can't be tied to that, I can't watch as they stay exactly where they are judging me.  I have to learn to let it go and that is easier said than done but there are too  many good things ahead of me for me to be held down by that kind of unkindness and disrespect. 

So here's to letting it go.  To keeping my eye on the future, towards graduation, towards my classroom towards the life that I know I was meant to have where good things happen.

Just let it go.......