Making Meaning

I try more than hard to make sense out of the things that have happened to me.  I want to understand I want to see a clear picture,  I want to understand why so much in one life over and over.  I want a tree to be a tree, I want people to stay I want people to be genuine and care for my heart. I don't want to be afraid, I don't want to sleep with  the lights on.  I want people to hear me, hear what I am saying. I need people to understand me; my heart why I am the way that I am.  I want people to acknowledge those hard days for me and that be ok.  Those anniversaries that hurt, Aug 22, Valentines, the spring weather at times I want people to acknowledge those things and just say that they are thinking of me. I want to make a difference for people. I never want anyone to have to feel the feelings that I have always felt.  I want to be a part, I want to belong somewhere.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin.  I want to be held when I cry and sat with when I don't even have the words or can't find them.  I want to feel safe in the world, I want to know that I can keep myself safe now.  I want to know that I am not the awful that has happened I want someone to see the me that is under the pain and the hurt and the sad.   I want people to acknowledge my heart and be careful.  Because I an not your normal person I have been hurt in ways that you will never understand.  I have been shattered and torn and somehow managed to live through it all and I want someone to see that and laugh with me cry with me and be extra gentle.  Because I can't and won't be hurt anymore.  If you do not have good intentions and can't be gentle and genuine and kind and caring then walk away.  Don't pretend that you care and then walk all over my heart.  Don't hold my hand tell me I am brave then leave me alone in grief.  Don't stay if it's not forever, don't get near me if you don't mean the things that you say.  I need to find a way to not have the things that have happened to me be so separate. I see it all so clear the little details, the colors, the hands, their eyes, my body feels the things that have happened and I can't even explain how that happens,  feeling numb and

 yet I can smile and do the things I need to do.  I want the me now to match. I want my inside and outside to match.  I want to be OK when things get rough. I want to be OK when I remember, when I can't make the pictures go away.I want to be OK when yet another person leaves me behind because I am too much of the things they can't and won't understand.

This afternoon I watched The Accussed, I watched it and I felt it in my bones.  I have been there the terror and my heart feels heavy.  I don't want my heart to know the hurt that it knows.   And in the end there was meaning she fought, with all that she had and she won.  She won; that look at the end of the trial it was for something , there was not I did this for nothing,  There was I did this and can sleep, I did this and I made it.  I am OK I am still alive and there are great things for me to accomplish. I have had small moments like that, but I want the peaceful kind, the kind that is a weight lifted, the kind that I don't feel like I am carrying it all on my own.  I want to know that someone gets it and are ok when I am not OK.  That those times I am not good at all,  they just hug a little tighter say hello a few more times and just let me know that they care.

The things that have happened are so much my life,  I don't know anything before and I don't think people understand that at all. I am building from a foundation that was nothing solid and everything evil.  That alone,  is big, its huge and doesn't just go away. I want the things that have happened to have a special place; to be acknowledged. I need to know that I am so much more than those things, I want to believe that but I honestly don't.  Making meaning  has a lot to do with the abuse and the pain but its what makes me me, that makes the meaning and  where I have been; the things I have lived through, but where I am going.  For me making meaning means that there has to be a peaceful place somewhere for all that has happened to be acknowledged and heard and yet I will still be me and somehow will still be lovable.  Making meaning means that all the things that happened are a part of me, an important part of me, but the me that I have chosen to become is just as important.

I heart your heart.

Can I just pretend that this is forever ? Please

So many things so many thoughts.

  I am just going to pretend this is forever. This place is forever.

I am going to have my very own spot.

 with my very own person every Tuesday.

This feels more than amazing.  I am more than grateful.

I have a place.  A safe place. 

I heart your heart.

Little Callahan is grateful Mark