I'm in Pursuit of Happiness..... My Happiness

Wow, this year is coming to close. WOOHOO. There was lots of heartbreak and lots of tears but there were some really really good things too. I graduated, I have a degree, a real live one!!!! I worked really, more than hard, amazingly hard, and I fought my way through so much for that piece of paper. And I am a teacher. Not with my own class yet, but I am working towards that piece. I have a car that runs amazing, that works all the time, that is all mine. That is more than amazing, I still can't believe it sometimes that I am so super blessed to even have a car like this.  I am more than blessed by Catrina who each time I don't get a position and feel sooo guilty or things don't go my way she is so there so supportive telling me it's OK, I worry that I am a leech and taking too much, and she is there reassuring, she has given me so much, that will be felt for generations to come. That keeps me going, I  know that I am not easy to love or even like and she still has me around. I believe these things are just the beginning of what the future holds for me. Decisions that I am making today are putting things on the right track for me and my children for the future. I have to believe that this year is going to be a year for me to thrive, not just survive, but really THRIVE. I want to find my happily ever after. And some people say well yea that’s great, but that only happens in fairy tales and that there are no such things. But what people don't understand is that my happily ever after includes simple things like kindness, love and support. My Happy ending isn't some over the top story with  prince charming; and living life like a princess. My fairy tale is something different,  it’s the simple and the true things in life: LOVE . This is a year for me to do things I have never done before for me to go after the things I want and believe with my whole heart that I am truly worth having them. Yea that worth thing, that is going to be a rough one! Anyone have a bat? It might be easier, MIGHT no I am pretty sure. But either way its a battle I need to fight and win to get the things that my heart desires in life.

This year I am learning that no matter what I accomplish, or what goal that I reach it will not make my past go away. I think I am finally realizing that there are some things that are not going to be better, that I am not going to understand until my very last breath.  Healing is not one single moment that will make all the pain go away its more of a process, that takes time, precious time. And I need to be gentle and give myself that. Once I graduated I thought somehow all the hurt and pain of my abuse was going to magically fade away and not bother me anymore, but that didn't happen. I thought once I started working in the classroom and was with my kids each day that the burden of my past would lessen , nope it didn't work. And people say you have to do the work to move past the past, I have done the work I have worked really really tremendously hard but STILL there is work to do. That makes me more than sad, makes me angry, but I know that I won't stop fighting. I am a fighter, I am a survivor and there is no giving up, there is no crawling in a hole until it all goes away, and I have said that many times in these last few months. I just want to curl up, crawl in a hole have some time to heal, scream from the mountain top for the world to stop then I can come back out, go back down the mountain and live the great life that I imagine for myself.  Life doesn't allow for that,  I can't hide, I have to live really live, pain and all. I heard a line in a movie today that was amazing : it takes a lot longer to put the pieces back together than it does for them to fall apart. Think about that....a huge fear of mine is that I will fall apart, I would rather do things differently than risk being in pieces. I am still terrified, close to death of some of those pieces. I know the work that is involved and what I am going to have to do, its going to suck; its going to be more than exhausting and painful but its going to be OK. It will be worth it and there will be more room for the love that I crave in this world. There are lots of things to feel and I need to get on that, I have to be willing to go there in order to be in a place where someday my past isn't a part of my everyday. I am realistic, I know that its never going to go ALL the way away, my story doesn't allow for that ,but I can't let it win either. I can not and will not let them, any of them take my happiness, and that means going to the hard places, and learning that I am not that stuck little kid anymore. I am truly a competent woman that can fight this, that I will never ever let anyone hurt me like that every again. I have to believe that I am not that scared person, who doesn't know what to do anymore. I have someone again who is willing to walk with me through this and I have to trust, that he won't let me get stuck, that he will gently, kindly, patiently help push me towards healing. It really is kind of amazing the thoughts that are still in my head, the things that I was taught to believe about others about myself that I still hold as truth. That is HUGE, that is where worth and trust and love and all those foundational things that we are taught early on that I have missed. I do believe I have been given a foundation by some amazing people, now I have to challenge some of the old thoughts and build myself as a whole person, not just pieces of me. I often feel like the scarecrow from the wizard of oz there are pieces of me over there and over there and still more over there that I can't reach at all.   I want to feel like I am a whole complete person who is worth having people around, who is worth help, care ,kindness and dare I even write the words love. I am worth being loved. I am worth the good things in life, and I deserve to be happy.  What?!? Did I just say that ?!? That is going to take time!!!! Not sure at this moment I believe those things but I am trying to learn how, I truly am.   Those are the hard things, harder than you can ever imagine when your entire life you learned to hate yourself and not love. And that kind of hate is strong and stubborn.  I have to remember I didn't get this way overnight and I won't magically be OK overnight  no matter the amount of work that I do, its a process. Each day each year will be better than the last.

This upcoming year I need to follow my heart. Its amazing the little things that I am seeing everywhere, follow your heart, don't miss opportunities being afraid, sometimes you just have to do it, I literally am seeing a few of those every single day and maybe its time that I listen. I worry all the time what others are going to think what others are going to say, and none of those things have the power to make me happy. I worry that others don't understand my journey or why I do certain things, and really it doesn't need to matter to them its my journey not theirs. I need to worry about myself and what works for me and not about their judgements or actions towards me.   I know that there are some things that my heart is leaning towards and I am taking steps to make sure that my hart is not acting out of desperation but really about where I am supposed to be. Going to Colorado was amazingly huge for me. That week was more than amazing, it was freeing, it was life changing. I was present every single day. And with my life I am not present a lot of the time, my mind very easily goes away , just something I learned way to early. But when I was there, no nightmares, no flashbacks, NOT A SINGLE ONE and that is about as big as it gets!!!! A big piece was the people, I love those people more than you can imagine, but it was away from Texas. It was away from here, where so much has happened, I met people there that are amazing and true and genuine and people that make you think, that ask the hard questions and even listen to the answers!  I do not know if that is where I am going to end up, but I know that being in Colorado gave me a different view of what life could be like for me. And that is something miraculous, something I crave and something that I need to make happen for my life, for me to be truly happy . I was loved there, I loved there and those are things that are going to get me exactly where I need to be. LOVE. Lots of love.  I can not even explain the things that my heart felt while I was there, I imagine it kind of like when your dad get home when you are a little kid and that excitement that unconditional love, that being able to look at them and everything else disappears, that safety that is what Colorado was like for this heart of mine, and in all the years of my almost 40 years of life I never experienced anything like that.  No words, it was more than real and that is what I want. I want that kind of feeling that present happiness that makes you feel alive. Yes please more of that.

 

 

Things are changing looking for a job.  I accepted the long term position in Little Elm and oh I loved the kids, I had already learned their names and was getting excited about the things that they were going to learn in the coming weeks. But something was missing.  There is no future for me in that district, about every door that could be closed not only closed it slammed in my face and I was still trying still holding on.  Until that night I realized, that by being there I was missing out on opportunities where  I truly felt that I was supposed to be.  So I sent a text.  And I said I am so sorry I know that this is going to sound crazy have you filled the position ?  We talked back and forth , she was getting excited, I was nervous, I couldn't believe I sent her the text,but it just felt so right.  Its in a sped class that is going to be a challenge a huge challenge but its one of those things that is just right.  They already had the position covered and they cancelled who they had to hire me, that says a lot, and I am more than grateful.  And its less than two minutes from my house and will open different doors for me to be able to stand on my own two feet here before I decide to take the leap and follow my heart to be truly present in the everyday.  I don't just randomly text out of the blue but I did and I got a job.  And it's at the kids school , things just fell into place.  I knew that taking the job was right in Little Elm it was a job and that is important but when this opportunity came up I just couldn't not take it knowing that this will show them who I am and what I am made of and the kind of teacher I am and the kind of person that I am to my very core.  All good things.  All great things. 

I have learned many things these last few years and these last few months have been unbelievable.  I have learned that I am more on my own than I would like but that there are also people who love me more than I could ever imagine possible. I have learned that I often keep myself away for fear of rejection for fear of getting too close for fear of someone truly seeing my heart.  Fear kinda rules things and I am going to work on that. I am scared a lot of the time, I often forget where I have come from and just how far that I have come.  2014 was the most confusing, challenging, emotional, hurtful, eye-opening, unforgettable, amazingly unreal year in my life and I look to the new year following my heart, I can't afford not too. I am looking forward to finding my very own happiness in all the craziness of my journey.

Happy New Year. Here's to the most amazing year I have known.  I heart your heart. 

So this Christmas

So this Christmas, I realized that not only is my mother never going to be what I need neither is my brother. Maybe I have known it for some time, but it hurts more during the holidays. You see peoples pictures online of their siblings and family members and I know that its just pictures and people show you what they want you to see but as crazy insane as my family is, I miss that with my brother. As much as I miss it , I am also tired of fighting for it. I am always the one to fight for the relationship, I just can't do it anymore. And I won't

The two of us were pretty funny when we got together, things we would laugh at and joke about those things in families that just make others laugh. Well I haven't seen him in close to two years and haven't talked to him in forever. Wait take that back, he came to graduation then decided not to come to the party since he didn't know if he was invited. I asked my mom to call him tell him to come, her response, was she didn't know his number. And Well the last time that I talked to him, was when I called him on his birthday. After he had changed his number and never told me, yea that stung. That was really rough, he didn't tell me he changed his number. Last Christmas there was nothing, my birthday nothing, the kids birthday nothing. He came here a few times and didn't even see me, I asked him what he was thinking, and he just said well they thought it was best , meaning him and my mother. Those things hurt so much. And I don't understand the why of it all....why I am not wanted.  This year again there was nothing, my mother went there, I said Merry Christmas, thats what a daughter does, I texted her to tell Chris I said Merry Christmas but nothing.  I am an outsider, I do not belong in this family.  That is heard loud and clear.

I guess that was kind of the beginning of the end. When things started to go terribly wrong with my mother and I, he started forgetting about me. And I will never understand. Maybe a part of me does understand she could never be nice to both of us at the same time. I cried to him, telling him things that she was doing how she was treating us, that I didn't understand. I told him how I was looking into homes for single mothers because of how I was being treated and things that were being said about me. I told him that things WERE THAT BAD. I told him about the terrible email that was left out talking about me being irresponsible, and disrespectful, and all the other terrible things that were said and nothing, he always made some excuse.

Since I decided to be where I was wanted and loved for Thanksgiving, I was left at Christmas not invited, not called not anything. Like the theme in my family, I meant nothing, I am not important to them. Unless I could give them something, I was worth nothing. And the truth is I don't want to be with them and be fake, I don't want to be sitting in the same room with them knowing all the things that have been said behind my back. I don't want to sit with them and be fake but it hurts. I wish that they wanted me to be a part of their lives and they don't. And honestly, I don't want them in mine, it hurts, too much has happened, too many things have been said, or ignored and it breaks my heart. But I think that everyone wants to b wanted by their own family.

It makes me angry things that are spoken behind others backs, then they pretend that everything is fine. When thrift store things are bought as gifts, because money isn't worth being spent on a person. Words are spoken about not spending money on people and things are said then you find that you are now getting that same treatment. I just can not play their games, I can not pretend that everything is fine, I won't keep my mouth shut and keep the peace. They have hurt me beyond repair, and its time to cut my losses. I will never forget the good times when we would laugh, and enjoy our time together. If there was ever a day when he would speak to me and say that he was sorry, that he didn't mean to hurt me things might be different, but they are not. And that time is not now.

When my children are not acknowledged, no calls no nothing and they are hurt, it's over. There is nothing that I can do or say to make things better. There are no words to make them understand. I will be civilized to my mother, for my children, but for me there is nothing. I think for me it means having to accept the way that things are, how they have changed, or maybe how they have stayed the same and how I am not included in the family.

My focus needs to be on my family, my children and what is best for us as we move forward. I can not keep holding on to what I want, that would be waiting to be hurt.

So going forward I have to come to the realization that some things just are not meant to be. They do not like the person that I am, we are going in two very different directions. What I stand for what I believe in they don't see or understand and it hurts. When your family doesn't like you, its more than difficult but I will not go backwards or stay where I was just to make them happy. My heart hurts, and maybe there will be a piece that always aches, but I know that we are moving forward and together the kids and I with the help of people that I can truly call my family, that do love me and all my craziness those are the things and the people that I need to hold onto. All that I can do is hold on to those people who want to me to grow and succeed.

When you are around those kinds of people and the feelings that fill your heart with joy, the good feelings of being loved and cared for that is where a person belongs, and that is where I am heading. One foot in front of the other. Just a life change and we are on very different paths.

If you lucky enough to have family, hold them tight, respect their journey and love them with your whole heart.

I heart your heart.

And....Just Like That

And just like that its Christmas Eve, just like that, it is just the kids and I, this is something I should be used to, but there is a sting. Just like that I was able to do Christmas for my Children, all on my own, and I can't tel you how great that feels. Its going to be amazing all Just like that. It is amazing how things happen in life sometimes, the little things that you don't think matter; the big things that make a difference to people. And just like that my children are 10 and I am blessed beyond words. I got a job in Plano at the kids school, all just like that. Because I took chances because I am changing because I want good things for my self and MY FAMILY.

That is how things happen in life, when you least expect them, when you are pointed in a different direction and you never imagined that is where you were supposed to go. In all of my crazy deep sadness lately there are blessings that I am holding dear. I am holding on to them tightly, as tight as I have ever held onto anything. Christmas is a rough time for me, its just me, I have to be mom, dad, Santa, I have to be it all and that is rough at this time. but I am happy for my children that magic of Christmas that they believe in, that Joy oh its something amazing. Mariska woke me up at not even 6 am to say Merry Christmas Eve mom and was so excited, then closed her eyes and went back to sleep smiling. Those are the moments to live for. That is what I am holding on too. I am still holding on to Colorado to get me through, wanting that sense of peace for my heart again, that safety that comfort. Wanting to be loved and be in a place where there doesn't have to be any words. I was loved, I was watched out for, and I was more present than I have been in a very long time. I have come to the conclusion I will not find that peace here, and I have to work really hard trying to find where it is that I am supposed to be.

On this Christmas Eve I am finding myself thankful for the gifts I was able to get my children, for the amazing roof over our head where our hearts are cared for, for the most amazing car, that is all mine, that I still sit in each day and can not believe that its mine, that I am worth it. That in the new year I am starting a job two minutes from my house, at the school the kids go to. Its going to be a challenge but it feels more than right. Those doors just opened and I took them. I have made the hard choices, done what I had to do but its working. One foot in front of the other. Things are not moving as quickly as I would like, but I am still moving forward. Trying to figure it all out.

We have spent the day making pumpkin bread and cookies, making cool ornaments. I have done laundry, vacuumed, folded, cleaned, wrapped I have yet to take a shower. Then service at Gateway, I am sure there will be tears there always are for me at Christmas. Christmas was a time when things weren't so terrible. Dinner, the kids want to go to a Chinese buffet kind of funny, but they are so excited a big treat. Some lights and hot chocolate from Starbucks, with a gift card I received from one of my kids. I want to enjoy each second. Its enjoying those little things that make memories, that mean the most. The kids are cleaning up their room getting ready for Santa, and I do believe this is the most magical night of the year. I am teary, wishing for other places but I am here now.

And just like that, my heart is grateful.

In the News ALL THE TIME

Yea ,so lately the news is full of coverage about rape whether its a college student who isn't believed and her credibility is questioned over every detail or Its yet another celebrity that is being accussed of rape, abuse and for some one like me this is difficult.  There is no getting around it anyway that we turn and yet we really don't talk about it at all.  This was a public service announcement with Mariska Hargitay for NO MORE that says it all,

Its not easy to talk about no one wants to talk about it but the fact is that it HAPPENS to people; a lot of people. A lot more than we would ever like to think.  Its a strange thing really because some people are pretty open and others are not at all and yet I have reached out to many survivors asking questions and all I get is silence which I think is kind of funny being that many survivors say they are trying to break the silence.  We all question the girl who was gang raped by a fraternity and we questione her every move and yet what about those men that hurt her ?  We do not talk about them at all!!!!! Their lack of judgement, lack of caracter, their lack of respect. Our first thoughts go to the victim and what she did wrong.   Others automatically start to question the one that was wounded ?  In what world does that ever make sense ?  IT DOES NOT.  EVER.  And yet as a society that is what we do.   Even me writing this blog, I want it to affect people I want them to take notice and do something. Be sensitive, Be kind don't just stand by people.  We can't, and I won't. These are our daughters, sisters, husbands, friends, coworkers it is all around us.  And being silent does not change a thing, not the facts, not the hurt, not the truth.  Once this crime is committed it affects the lives of the survivor and trickles down to everyone that she loves and is acquainted with.

I am tired of the blaming of the lack of support of the stupidity and lack of comapassion.  I know I would much rather never talk about it, but for other little kids that may be where I was at 5 or 10 or 15, I am pretty sure, no I am more than positive that I will never stop talking about it. I will never let a child feel as alone as I did growing up with abuse. I will not be silent ever again, I will never give up; never stop until we stand with the ones who have been hurt and support and love them as they heal.  Until we make a difference for kids and for my sake and theirs keep them safe and sound.

I see all the articles and I read them every single one looking for answers looking for those right words to make everything better and you know what, I will never find them.  But I have hope in other stories, people that have overcome and will not just lay down and die.  Believe me there are days when that would be easier, but there is a desire to make sure that others understand, there is a need in my heart to want to make people see and to nootice and to do things diferently. There is a need to be heard and understood.

I am tired of hearing about Bill Cosby and whether or not we should keep his shows on TV.  I know for me, I will not watch those shows, I see him and I think of the women that he hurt.  I grew up watching him and I remember his sweaters, those crazy 80's sweaters. And that he was funny he made me laugh.  But I see him and I think of the women that he hurt. The women that he raped.  The women whose lives he changed forever and I  just can't.  Most are not questioning his character,  asking questions of him. We ae not asking him Why! We are unkindly questioning every aspect of the women that are courageously standing up.  What we are doing is asking questions like well why did she wait, why didn't she ever say anything, all the why's for the victim but none for the perpetator.   The case in Virginia leads to the questions why don't we say anything proves the point. We don't say anything because we are the one whose lives are torn apart while they are cosidered innocent until proven guilty. 

Bill Cosby is Guilty.  Those fraternity men are Guilty. Jerry Sandusky Guilty.  Stephen Collins Guilty.  Without question these men are guilty.  I will not question or doubt those women for I know the hell that they have lived through. I am sure my entire life I will read the articles, I will never stop trying to find those magic words, to make it all go away.  But I know that in my fighting, if I touch just a few people and those people touch others than sharing my own story will be worth it.

I was silent for too long.  I am not a good writer, but I write, I have a voice and I am going to continue to write until I am free.  So think people start conversations, ask the hard questions because it will mean the world to many.

I heart your heart.

 

   For All Of Us

What I wanted ....what I Kind of still want

So, its been a little hard lately Ha-Ha SHOCKER right ! But I'm realizing that I wanted the world to stop. And maybe I still do just a little, OK maybe a lot. When so many terrible things happened to me, nothing changed, no one was there, no one was helpful no one did anything differently. No one changed the locks, no one made sure I was safe, nothing ever changed for anyone else but for me EVERYTHING changed, my whole entire world was shattered and in a matter of a few hours or a nighttime I had put the pieces back together and be ok to go through another day. My whole entire life has been like that, I have always been fine. I am raped, well get up and go to school. My tadpoles are killed smile say everything is fine. Gang Raped go to bed it will all be better in the morning, just hide the bruises RIGHT!?!

NO.....VERY VERY WRONG....Nothing was all right but no one noticed so I just kept going or if they,  did notice, they didn't care so again I just kept going. That is what you do you just keep going. But the further that I get in healing the more that I realize, that I wanted someone to stop. I wanted someone to stop and to be there. With everything that went on, every assault, every rape every abuse that I went through every everything I just kept going. I would be so sad inside, literally my insides were coming apart and I always kept going.  I wanted to curl up in a ball and be able to process and feel the things that had happened .  I wanted someone to notice, I wanted what happened to me to matter and it never did.  There was something that I can't explain, a drive, a desire to make things different and I would put what happened to me away and go on with what life needed me to do.

I know that I have often said I just wanted the world to stop for just a short time, so I could cry and be sad and then I would gather myself back together and be ok. The problem with that is; that is fine and acceptable when the crime first happens. But later years later everyone expects you to be fine, everyone expects you to be over it. Only its not so pretty and it doesn't work like that.

I am not saying that I want someone to say oh poor Sherri at all that just isn't it. I just want someone to sit with me let me talk, let me cry for a time not forever but for a time. And maybe not just once maybe every now and then when the memories are terrible, when the pictures in my head are overwhelming, when my heart gets sad at the things that I have lost. Yea those times.

I can tell you there have been a few times where people have said, I am just so sorry and they have just sat. Sometimes there are words, sometimes there are questions sometimes its a hand to hold when you feel more than alone. That is when my heart feels better that is when I feel heard that is when the most healing occurs. I can name the exact people that those moments happened with and where we were and what happened, and for those times I am so grateful. But I think with a life like mine, I may always need those moments. I think for me there are just going to be times that are rougher than I would like to admit.

I worry all the time about breaking about there being a last straw, that is totally going to be the death of me, but really that is not who I am. If at 5 I could keep going I am sure that today at 39 I will also be fine. Only today I am not going to pretend that all is well. Because it's not, it's not fine. I am NOT FINE. There it is I am not FINE.

Right now I kind of feel like a pressure cooker, there is just so much feeling an emotion but yet I don't let it out. Or I let it out a little and I yell at my kids then feel awful then I realize oh yea its those feelings that I have yet to let go of!!! Well that sucks! And I know that I have to be selective, I have to be careful because mine is a story that I can't share with everyone, mine is a story that takes a special person to even be a part of . I want , oh this feels so needy but I want to be heard, I want to be seen and I want to be kept safe. I want people to do things differently. I want people to be understanding. I need people to understand that I am not always fine, I just pretend to be. And that a whole lot of the time I feel nothing and everything all at once. I can cry for others, their sadness their pain and for me, I shut it all off. I was crying this afternoon for a student, and yet for me, I can't feel. I shut it off. I CAN NOT shut it off for me, because yes it was along time ago but its just now that I am getting people to understand, its just now that people are not leaving, are not going anywhere, just now people are stopping. Just now people are there, just now my heart is cared for. And I am loved, truly loved. If others are stopping and noticing then, I have to believe, I am worth it and maybe hopefully someday I can say that I am fine....I am good and really truly mean it with my whole heart. So please excuse me on those days that I am not fine and I just want the world to stop EVEN today.

It just hurts

So I am trying to do things right trying to make things work and sometimes they just don't. Being in Colorado was more than amazing and truth be told since being back my heart is sad, my heart is broken because there I felt loved. There I felt things that I have never felt my entire life. And its not Colorado, its the people. I love those people more than words, more than I could ever express and sometimes I just don't know what to do with that.

Here I am loved, but its different. My heart feels different here, and I miss the feelings in Colorado. I think there is so much hurt here in Texas that its hard to move on and my heart feels that. I am working really hard trying to do all the right things and I am not sure that its working; not sure that I am moving forward getting anywhere. I still do not have a job, am still not on my own and I turn 40 in April!!!! That is really hard. Sure things were more than rough my life has not exactly gone according to plan but I have graduated, I am pushing through, putting things together; putting my life pieces back together and yet something is missing. There are pieces that just ARE NOT falling into place for me. And I don't know if that's here or there ??

Something is missing and I don't know what that is. I am desperately looking and can't find it

I know that my heart is more than sad, more than frustrated. I am sure that part of it is the Holidays, and not having family around not having people around. That is hard. During the holidays there is supposed to be lots of people around and laughing and it will be good for the kids, we will laugh and play and enjoy every second but I am still sad, I want people around for me too.

There is a huge part of me that wants to run to Colorado and be with people that love me, find a job and I will live happily ever after. Then I think there is still work for me to do here, and I am sure it; my crazy fragile heart, would stay away for awhile but after some time I am sure it would be there with bells and whistles. My past is my past no matter where I am and I may get a break of a year or two maybe more, but that brick wall isn't going anywhere and after a few years I would hit it hard. I don't want to run away, well yes maybe I do , I really do. But is that what I am supposed to do ?

What is it that I should be doing right now, what more can I be doing ? I feel like a leech , I feel like there just isn't enough of me for anything. I kind of feel like the scarecrow from the wizard of oz there are pieces of me over there, and over there and still more over there!!!!! I get up and work and smile and try to make it all work but my insides are screaming .......A frustrating time for sure, and I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water.

And they want to take my money for food. I am making too much money and my car is worth too much. Yea tell me that makes sense. I feel like I can not get ahead. It's not that the world is against me at all, its that I am obviously doing something wrong, I am obviously not doing something that I should be, if I were things would be better my heart would be different, I am happy but its not that pure Joy like I had in Colorado.

I really hate the saying Don't be sad because its over smile because it happened. BAH!!!!!! Easy to say, but my heart is broken and longing for a place that isn't an option right now. I wish that I understood why I haven't gotten a job yet. I have done the interviews, I have been working consistently and still no job. I am grateful that Monday I start a long term position, same classroom I already know a lot of the kids which is awesome. I feel like there is something that I am supposed to be learning and yet I don't have a clue what that is and I am frustrated.

The kids went away to camp and I was completely on my own for two days so strange. I didn't eat, not much sleep, and my heart was sad. I missed them but it was more than that. Its something inside that feels broken that feels damaged, what am I worth with out my children ? YEA, that is a really rough one.

Life just hurts right now, and I think part of it is because I am realizing that no matter where I am or what I do there is a past that is screaming to be dealt with. Yes, I have come a really long way but yes there is a way to go. I have always put a time limit on myself that when this or that happens that I will be done and all will be well with the world and that isn't the case. The things I have to deal with are going to be life things that I am going to have to process. The truth in that is rough, because I have life to live , children to teach and my own children that need a mom. Out side of all those things there is me and I am not sure that there is any left to do the things that I know are needed. I always do what I have too, it all gets done, but I am spent.

I really slept in Colorado, no nightmares no flashbacks, and that feeling was something more than amazing and then BAM just that fast, they are back, that is the part that I don't understand. My heart is being pulled in one direction and my life is going the other and I am in a place of not knowing what in the world I am supposed to do or where I am supposed to go. Not a fun place to be. And when you have to depend on others it makes it that much harder.

I am not one to sit with feelings, especially these but maybe that is exactly what I need to do !?! Maybe, Maybe not, I don't know. At this point there is not much that I do know and my heart is tired and frustrated and I want to curl up in a ball and know that I am loved. I want to sleep peaceful. I want to see good pictures and dreams and I don't understand why I don't here. Because here is where I am right now, and where I live and I have to survive here. I need to know what I need to be doing and I will do it.

Oh December, I hope that you get easier. My heart needs some peace.

I heart your heart.

My heart is in Colorado

So this year I got the chance to spend Thankgiving with my favorite people in Colorado. It was more than amazing; more than awesome; and in so many ways I felt whole. A feeling that I don't feel very often. Its like all my broken pieces loose their edge and the pieces that I desperatly try to figure out just fade away. I could write pages of words to try and help you understand why these people are so important, but its just something that is. James was my training wheels, my encourager my biggest supporter, and Amy was someone who I looked up to, she was funny, and truthful and honest and sarcastic and I loved it, I loved her even before I really knew her. There just was something different something special from the very beginning. And it has been that way since I met them only 5 years ago. I was a big old mess when I met them, and they loved me anyway. When I first met them i would literally dream about sitting in their kitchen and just seeing their family and imagining what that was like. I remember those dreams so very clear. I was just sitting against the wall, smiling watching, I never imagined they would become so important and be such a major part of my life. Everything about these people is more than a miracle for me. Yes, they are just every day normal people but for me its so much more than that. I love them more than much, more than I have loved anyone besides my children.

So it all started and I got a call saying that James had a question for me and to give him a call. I was more than a little shocked; a question for me, I was always the one with all the questions. So I sent an email, and they said that they were thinking and that would I want to come to Colorado for Thanksgiving?!? Would I ? What does the tooth fairy fly ? Is the Sky Blue ? Do I love whales? YES,YES,YES My heart was busting inside. We weren't sure if my old car would make it and Catrina said that I could take hers. Then in the same week that I am invited to Colorado with my favorite people, I was blessed with a new car. Perfect for my trip to Colorado.

I was more than excited, the kids were ready to pack weeks before we were leaving. This was a break that I needed. This was a chance to be with my favorite people in the whole world, and just be. With them I don't have to explain, I can just be and that is ok.

So we were going to leave Tuesday morning then things changed, And we were going to leave early Sunday morning and get there in the evening. SO Saturday we ran around crazy, nothing working like I wanted it too, stores not having what I wanted, kids being grouchy, it was a mess of a day. And we didn't get home until late and I still had to do all the laundry and pack. So needless to say I did not pack well AT ALL! But by the time I was packing I didn't even care, I was going to COLORADO !!!! SO got the kids in bed, and continued to get things ready, then finally was in Bed by I would say around 1....really how could I sleep anyway....

Amy and James had moved away about 2 years ago, and I still missed them the same. It hadn't lessened. It had not gotten easier. I didn't cry everyday or every month anymore but there was a hole, that they were were gone. I accepted it, people can move, it happens but my heart was broken and they could visit and I wouldn't cry, but there were ok; there are still times when I miss them so very much that I just can't stop the tears, one of the only things I can cry about lately, is missing them. But I was going to spend the holiday with them and their family, oh my heart. These were the people that cared for my heart this is where I truly wanted to be. And they were talking about being excited and that they couldn't wait for me to come, and that felt so strange. I can like to be around someone and dare I say need people but when someone is excited about seeing me ?!? Yea that is something foreign, it felt good to be wanted and for someone to be excited about getting to see me and the kids. I felt loved, and my heart was more than happy.

So I was up around 4 am and packing up the car and we were on the road by 5. I was seriously busting, the ride there was awesome, well mostly awesome. We stopped about 4 hours in at a rest stop where there were signs everywhere saying beware of rattlesnaks, and it made us laugh. We could not believe that we were finally on the road to Colorado. We kept driving driving and finally we were out of Texas and into New Mexico. Vincent kept asking Are those mountains ? And I would smile and say no thats just a hill, and he would ask if I was sure. There were a few light snow showers that were pretty exciting, we were like little kids that had never seen snow, yea we were a little excited! There were a few tears on the way there, my heart was just so happy. It almost didn't feel real. And then finally we saw the sign welcome to Colorado and the tears just came. It was true and I was going to see my favorite people in a few hours. I couldn't believe it, it was one of those It's really happening moments, and I was in Heaven. The mountains were so beautiful and the snow was picking up mile by mile. And then it snowed harder and harder, until it covered the roads and then snow plows were needed. Then out of nowhere a little mini ice-storm and staffic was stopped. I was so close, and that crazy ice !!!! The kids thought that it was quite cool, all the snow on the ground. I was shaking, I was sliding and the car would not move, I have grown up in Texas I don't know how to drive in ICE ! It felt like we were stuck forever, moving less than two miles an hour but we eventually got passed it. After being honked at and other cars speading by, a few more miles down the road and all was clear we were almost there , and I just couldn't get there fast enough.

And we made it, and Amy was home it was more than Perfect. Amy had made a dinner for us and put in the oven we got to talk a little the kids were playing, my heart was happy, my heart was very happy, my heart was very very happy. I just sat relaxed on the couch, James got home, I got a hug, one of those hugs that just makes all your broken pieces go back together, and I was grateful to be there, I needed them.

Monday the kids and I got to take little Nathan to Target with us, because the girls still had school, as we picked up last minute supplies and ingredients. We had so much fun, we laughed so much, it was perfect. We rolled rolls Then we had a special dinner that was their community group, it was fun, there were good people and oh yea we learned that putting sweet potatoes under the broiler and walking away might not be a good idea, but it was an easy fix and a few new bags of marshmellows and all was well. Once we were able to get the firealarm off and open some windows , you would never know we had an inferno in the kitchen. HEHE still makes me laugh, it was perfect though. Tuesday was the same we had a blast poor Amy was a little sick so All the kids and I played and had some fun and just chilled. I enjoyed every single second. I was present every single second and it was more than amazing. Each day was perfect, each day I felt loved each day I even slept. But it was real sleep, with no nightmares, not once while I was there were there any flashbacks, there was nothing, I was in the moment each and every second and that felt so good, even at the Party Monday, I was all there, and it was fabulous. Vincent and James played Video games and Vincent was in heaven he even dreamed about playing and was super excited having a man around. Wednesday evening we went to this most awesome burger place, and i have to say it was the bomb, and there were these fries with truffle oil ! OMG they were amazing. It was truly perfect and all was well in my world. Then the Pie Party that wasn't my favorite, I didn't know anyone, but it was fine, I just sat back and watched, and then we made it home to get ready for Thanksgiving dinner. There was chopping and laughing and getting everything ready, I was in the Wiebe's kitchen helping with thanksgiving dinner and I was in heaven.

Thursday time flew by, I waanted time to slow down, I got to see the Garlands who used to live in Texas and had also moved to Colorado. I got to meet Aunt Penn and Uncle Bill. I got to meet another woman and her mom that go to their church. There was no drama, it was just perfect peaceful, fun. We played games after dinner, it was wonderful. There were no worries on my heart and I was happy. I was a part of something awesome, and I was holding each and every precious moment. Then from the Bathroom I hear Nathan Mariska made a mess!! It was like uh oh what kind of mess and as I turned the corner, yep it was a mess Mariska had a touch of that stomach bug..... YEA not pretty and little nathan says "It's ok I will clean it up," such a sweetie. So we put her in the tub I cleaned the bathroom, and we all ended up watching Starwars, with a sound system that shakes you in your seat and it was pretty awesome.......

Then it was Friday I was well aware our time was winding down, we would be leaving soon, I knew that it was going to be rough I didn't realize how tough until Friday. Ellie still wasn't feeling so hot, So her and Amy stayed home and decorated the entire house which looked absolutly beautiful, and James and I with Nathan, Emma, Vincent and Mariska went to see the mountains. It was more than perfect. We learned so much. Everything was perfect. It was a warm 72 degrees and on top of the mountain it was a very cold 36 with lots of wind !!!! Yea I was freezing but it was so amazing. We took lots of pictures but I can tell you no picture could ever capture just how beautiful that it was. There was absolutly nothing like it. It was on the way back down the mountain, that the tears started, I was going to be going home and I didn't want to. These people made my heart happy and I wanted to be there. It was back to reality, I still missed them terribly and I was going to have to leave in the morning, that was not fun. I felt so whole and I didn't want to loose that. I tried to hide it and I mostly did I think. We got awesome pizza for dinner, with garlic knots oh they were amazing !!!! Then down to the basement for a little transformers it was more than awesome! We put the suitcases in the car, got some of our things packed Then aunt Penn and UNcle Bill came over and we played more games, pure perfection. Then We were all talking in the kitchen and little sweet Emma started crying that she didn't want us to leave. And I had to go in the restroom and the tears wouldn't stop, I didn't want to leave either. There were lots of tears this day, I knew that our time was coming to an end and my heart was breaking. I loved this family I teased that I was going to be a stow away and that I wasn't going home, I was kidding but I was serious, I felt that amazing there. My heart was happy and cared for, and I was there in every second and that was more than amazing and felt really good. So we all said our goodnights and went downstairs, and I kinda fell apart. I just couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to leave, I cried for hours and my poor eyes, I wrote and I cried and cried some more, there wasn't much sleep. If I didn't sleep I wouldn't have to acknowledge that we were leaving, yea, didn't work. I had to come back to Texas. I slept a total of about 3 hours. And it was time. I was loading up the car, and I wasn't expecting everyone to be up yet and when i walked in everyone was up and I started right away. There is no Good in Good-bye that is for sure.  I hugged Amy and James, hugged the girls, I wanted to do it fast, it was more than hard and really hurt, I could stay there forever and be perfectly happy. And I hugged James and held on, I didn't want to let go, I just love this family so very much and they mean the world to me. The gifts that I was given all week were such a blessing to me and my heart was breaking it was coming to an end.

We had to get gas before getting on the road and the tears didn't stop. And Mariska cried and we cried together then we would stop then we would cry some more. We would go then be ok then I would hear a song or see the sign that I was leaving Colorado and the tears would start again. Such an amazing wonderful week and I had to drive home. I cried off and on all the home, and I was trying to be grateful for the time that I had not sad that I had to leave, but it was hard.

We made it home and I love my home its calm and peaceful and beautiful. I love the people that have blessed me so much here in Texas. But I have to say Colorado kept some of my heart. Its different, its away from here. Nothing bad happened there, there were no bad memories, only love, LOTS OF LOVE and my heart was often overwhelmed with happy and that felt amazing.

I am not sure what the future holds. I am not sure what is next what doors may open or close but I know what I felt there was real and I know that these people love me and I love them more than I could ever put into words. It was a wonderful amazing, incredible week that I will hold close and remember forever. Hopefully soon there will be a time when i will go back again. So until then, I will remember how amazing that it felt there and look forward to next time.

People have asked me in the past what is it about them that makes them so important, and often there are no words they just are. What is so special about them, they love me and all my pieces, they care for me heart, and make sure that I am ok. They care for my heart These people came into my life and changed my world and for that I will be forever grateful. I will always miss them, but maybe someday we can be closer , who knows anything can happen.

So my people I love you more than you can imagine. I am grateful I got to spend this time with you, you are truly loved . I heart your heart and know I am more than blessed by you. I love you more.

I heart your heart.

Thoughts on being a mom and a survivor

I saw a post on facebook recently talking about being a mother and a survivor and how no one talks about it, how it's a subject that many people deal with everyday but there are no people to go to when those hard questions come up. And it really made me think. It's amazing the way I parent is totally a result of all the things that I experienced growing up the way that I did. There are more survivors out there than you can imagine and a lot of them are parents and yet we don't talk about it, we don't even talk to each other, and that is a problem.

I am noticing this more and more as the kids are growing up. I use the term "normal" parents lightly, but only meaning parents that do not have an abuse history. There are so many issues that are Coming up as my children reach puberty and its really really Hard. How do you explain sex when, that was your experience from the time that you were five. I didn't have name for it, but I knew what was expected, what I had to do and what I had to endure. So as I think about explaining this to my children its more than difficult to separate my experiences from just the facts about sex, because for me it just isn't the same. For me those facts are hurtful those facts stole my childhood.

I imagine normal parents talking to their kids and I think it goes something like this: Sex is when two people love each other and yada yada yada, and they give the correct words for body parts and what happens and everything is clear and black and white. Ok so I have never experienced that how In the world am I supposed to explain something to my children that I know nothing about. Sure I can talk about the mechanics, with the real words then want to puke because of what those things mean to me, and that is more than difficult.

I am sure there is a part of me that feels my innocence was lost once the first violent act was committed, my innocence was long gone by the time I was 5. By that time I knew what my father wanted. Then by that time the neighbor Albert started raping me, and I knew what to expect from him, I knew that what they were doing hurt me. And still later when I was gang raped and wasn't believed and told I was basically an attention seeking slut. I truly believed well this must be what I am good for. For me all of this is what I attach to sex, so you could say, yes explaining sex to my children is terrifying!!!

I remember the "Sex Talk" that everyone gets in fifth grade. By then I was a pro, I knew exactly what was wanted, I knew what to expect. I knew that sometimes the less I would fight the less that it would hurt. And I remember the shame, the disgust, the sadness that this day brought for me. I remember the girls sitting around me, talking about how gross and disgusting that Sex was that they could never imagine something like that. I remember the laughs, the giggles, this was my life, I already knew this information, maybe not the correct words, but this was my life experience. So I sat there knowing all to well, I had to do those things almost every night. There were two men who already hurt me like that. There are so many emotions and terrifying fears that are attached to this for me , and I don't want to scare my children I want them to believe that sex is a normal thing, a part of life but how do I do that and teach them the good things when I don't have a clue myself. I understand that by not speaking with them, I would be doing them a great injustice, they need to know that they can talk to me about anything and that sex is truly ok. Sex is a part of a life when you can make that decision, when you find that person that you want to share you heart with. So for this one I have to put my own thoughts and feelings aside and explain and discuss how things should be…..And I get that its just so very foreign to me.

In my heart I do not believe the things I will have to tell them, in my heart by me explaining and talking to them it takes a part of their innocence that I am not ready for them to loose. For me explaining, talking to them about sex is opening an entire can of worms that I wish I could keep them safe from forever. There are so many complicated things in my own head and its about trying to separate things in my own head and doing what needs to be done.

My heart is more than heavy as I write this, I literally feel like there is not only one elephant on my chest but a heard of them all sitting right here on top of me and it takes my breath away. I am terrified. As they learn about sex and what that means. They are smart and will put things together. They have asked a few questions and I know that the time is coming, they want some answers. I know that there is some understanding and it is truly breaking my heart. I absolutely hate this with all that I am if I could just keep them safe and sound their entire lives, and have them not know some things, it would do my heart good but that also isn't real life. I know that but it sure doesn't make things any easier.

As they learn about sex, as they absorb that information I have questions that I fear them asking that run through my head a million times a million. Well if sex takes two people, and they make a baby ? But you had us ? What about Bob? Well what about rape? I feel like with each question will come more and I have to do what is right for them, and I will. I promise that I will. At the same time I wonder the cost of that on me. The entire weight of explaining this is on me and its heavier than you could ever imagine. I am thinking the toll is going to be great, and I worry that I just won't be enough, I worry they will put pieces together, and think differently of me. I worry that in learning about sex they will put things together that I am scared for them to know. I don't want them to know about the evilness of the world and the things that can happen. And I also know that I can not keep them safe forever. That maybe in knowing it will make them smarter, more passionate and more understanding in their own lives and families as they grow into adults.

This is my fight in life that I feel my children will be a part of whether they want to or not. And as much as I want to keep it away, it’s a truth my truth that just is. There is information that they are going to come to understand that I fear will be a burden to heavy for them to bare. But at the same time my silence can become a burden to them and I can not do that either. Such a bind that women like me are in, such a BIND, you have no idea. I want to do the right thing for them, for their little hearts, and I want to do it the right way, in just the right way. I am afraid that I will fail, because I feel like I have to explain it from a "Normal" mom perspective and not the one that I have.

So as a Survivor that is still healing that still struggles with the things that have been done to my soul, for my children I have to explain things as they should have been and not what I experienced in the world and that there is the battle that I have to face.

But its not just talking to them about sex, its so very many other things, its living in their everyday, the normal life experiences, as a survivor, those experiences were so very different , each and every experience for me was touched by violence, pain and evil. And my children are growing up not having those experiences. And for that I am grateful, but sometimes it’s a struggle , its finding the balance between my past and creating a great future for them. It's me having to remember that I see ALL things through my trauma goggles, and I have as far back as I can remember. And I see them being kids, doing normal things, experiencing regular normal everyday things as a normal 10 year old and at times its hard for me to understand, harder than you can ever imagine!!!!!

　

As a survivor I see the world so very different I see some tender kind things in the little and I notice the things that often go un-noticed. With all the things that I see different, I see my children growing up different in the everyday, going to a friends house, sleeping over, for me those are all things that have a million red flags. Albert was a neighbor of our best friends growing up, no one would have ever thought, so I fear for my children. And the boundaries between letting them be kids and enjoy their friends and enjoy the simple things in life of being 10 , I see the boogie man around every corner, I see the things that could happen, I see the things that I have experienced and I get scared. I am scared for them and scared for me. I know that I have done a good job and they are aware and they know what is right and wrong but the fear is there. It can happen so fast and the damage is done. There are bad people out there and I know that if anything were to happen to my children, I would not forgive myself. I see Mariska flirting with boys and my insides turn inside out, I want to tell her to stop to be grown up, not to bring attention to herself, NOT to do all these things. I want to tell her to stop, that she is attracting attention! And I know that’s my past speaking. Its more than hard to watch, but I know that I have to let her experience life and oh my heart it is more than rough. Vincent is so perceptive, he picks up on everything and I worry for his tender heart. How he will treat me, other women, can I teach him what is good and right and true?!? It is all there the things I worry about it. As they grow up there are times when things become harder for me and as they move into these next years its going to be EVEN harder. I was so on my own all the time for everything. Middle school is not fun any way that you look at it. And its worse when rape, abuse and pregnancy was a part of your normal and trying to balance the life that I had with the much better life that I have created for them sometimes my past wins, sometimes the fear wins and sometimes I loose. There are so many things that I want them to understand that I want them to be careful of and at the end of the day, I have to remember that they have had a totally different life then I did and they will truly be totally ok. I can not protect them from the world forever keep them in a bubble, safe and sound. I can give them the information that I have and let them lead their best life.

   

Mathew West : Safe and Sound. Just how I want to keep them.

 

When there are no words, just wounds

So these last few weeks have had many highs and lows, interviews, no offers, lots of uncertainty, and at the same time some really awesome amazing things have been happening. My new car, that is absolutely beautiful, Being invited for Thanksgiving by my most favorite people in the whole world. My life has had a little of everything these past few weeks and yet I am struggling with the PTSD and it is not fun, it is not good. I generally keep it pretty covered, I can cover it pretty well, I have gotten really good at it. But a few weeks ago I was not so lucky. I had a flashback in the shower and it was so real so intense that I ended up rubbing my skin raw because I could still feel their hands. That is serious.  That is terrifying.

It was noticed a few times by people and I blew it off, oh I just scratched myself, its nothing, not a big deal but it was more than that. And its finally healing, doesn't look so terrible, but I know its there and I know that I did that to myself and I hate it. I am working really hard, at healing and I feel like there are some things that I just can't control. Like I am fine and all of the sudden I do something like this and BAM I feel like a crazy woman .

Its crazy I function every day and am this amazing teacher in the classroom. I can say with out a doubt that is one thing I can do well and feel like i do a really good job. When its just me that PTSD is alive and kicking. Since I haven't been crying it has gotten a little worse, the things that are dying to come out are trying to find someway to get my attention and that day in the shower was a wakeup call. I can not keep hurting myself, and I didn't know or realize I was doing it until it was over but that just is not ok. So I am going to have to work on this.

The nightmares get old, there is no rest and its bad enough when I can recall every detail but those mornings even when I don't remember but wake up exhausted because I have been fighting all night .....those are rough. I get more than angry that I don't have more control over this part. And I have been working on it, trying to picture random things, and do some exercises to help make them go away and it works a lot of the time, which is pretty awesome but the really bad ones not so much. The really big ones yea not so good.

Not sure I have ever had one that was this bad, and its scary. I know that nothing is happening now. I am in a good safe place with good people. I know that its all over its all in the past but my mind, my head is scared. I see things that remind me I smell things that remind me, I hear things that throw me into the past in a matter of seconds. I can not even tell you how I beat myself up about this. I should not be sad anymore, should not remember anymore all the should's that a person could possible have.

I can't stand someone touching my neck, or my hips. I get nauseous with some smells. Sometimes I think I see someone and I literally hide wherever I can, even if that means in the back of the car. So I guess all this is telling me today is that its time to get back to work. There are days that I can't even eat, There are some things that I need to work on, really work on. And I know, its not going to be easy, I am scared, I always worry that I am going to be in pieces on the floor by the time all is said and done, but TRUTH is if I haven't fallen apart yet I am sure I will truly be ok. I may feel like I am falling apart but if the past is a predictor then I am sure I will make it through this too. I am just not so sure what the process is going to be like.

The book that I am reading is pretty awesome and he talks about in order to heal and become a survivor you have to take care of yourself ?!? oh I do not like that part. I am always last on the list every one else's needs and wants are so much more important than mine. But this is something that is really important to me. I know and understand that to a lot of people  I should be fine should be "over" it all but I tell you this is a lifelong journey. I can tell you I am pissed that I am not through yet, I have worked really really really hard and yet there is still more work to do and it is not at all easy. If this were as easy as turning off a light switch I would do it in a second and healing just is not so cut and dry.  I always talk about how I see and experience life different and this is no exception.  I experience life around me today through how I experienced life in the past and trying to balance both worlds is not an easy thing. When the past makes such an impact that I hurt myself I just can't ignore or hide it anymore, as much as that absulutly sucks.

I had someone recently explain it as if I were in a major traumatic car accident and needed many surgeries and life long care and treatment, I wouldn't think less of them. I wouldn't think that they were weak.  I wouldn't think anything terrible of that person for getting the care that they needed? Right?!? Why no of coarse not....but with me you don't see the trauma, you don't see the broken heart most of the time, you don't see the damage and experience the pain and hurt. I have said before there are times that I wish there was some kind of outward wound for people to understand and maybe be a little gentler a little kinder, that that might just make the difference and that is not only for others but for myself.

So when I hurt my own arm, that was a wake up call, that I am just not willing to ignore. I feel so very weak in the fact that I did it in the first place, that I am not strong enough to just take a simple shower but for me as everyone knows nothing is that simple. So here's to the next steps and see where I am headed next but I hope its a little more peaceful and a lot less crazy. I am even hoping for some peaceful sleep maybe at Thanksgiving, Maybe ? Hopefully?

I heart your heart.

The Why's that can't be answered but still need to be heard.

 So some say what is the point of asking the why questions that there are no answers for. And to that I say, it's because they need to be heard they need to be acknowledged, they need to be felt. I have so very many of those questions and I don't understand a single one of them but I also know that the need to just get them out is huge. I know that most of them can't be answered, that I will never know the answers but I have a need for them to be heard for others to understand where I am coming from. I don't need to be shut down, saying not to worry about the things I can never answer I get that part, I really do. But I have to be heard and listened too, that seems pretty big for me lately.

For me, it's about someone understanding why I have questions and that being ok. I think those why questions have always come with sadness for me, and lately things are changing, I am finding myself getting more angry at those questions. Sometimes the sadness is so intense so real that there are not even any tears. I mean I am crier, I cry a lot of the time and I am not doing that, I feel it building and that is not a good thing either, but right now there just are no tears, my heart is broken and I need to be heard.

I am angry. I am really angry. I am about as close to pissed as I have ever been. It may even be

FURIOUS.

I can't believe the fact that so many people stood by, I am so angry that people won't talk about the things that are right in front of their face. I am angry that people are not more outraged by the number of stories that are heard on the news day after day. I am tired of being ignored, tired of my feelings not mattering, and tired that I still have to fight my past. Angry is not really in my realm of emotions, I can get angry for everyone else, I can get angry at the injustices that others have to face but for me that anger has not been there. Every once in awhile it will come out in little pieces but nothing like this.

Eric wanted me to watch a movie, just the first little part. And it was disturbing very disturbing. There is this little baby who parents drown in the ocean. And this little one is screaming on the beach, trying to get someone to help him and no one notices, no one even sees him or if they do they ignore. 2 People come close and no one does a thing. One woman stops sees the baby crying, and ignores. Another man is more than close; close enough to touch this little baby screaming by the sea shore and still ignores. And the feelings oh my goodness I have been that baby most of my life. And it is just making me so very angry, and I don't understand at all. I am angry that I have been ignored, that others have turned the other way.

It's making me angry at people in my life that have stood by and done nothing. People whose mission is helping wounded woman and yet, there is nothing for me, Family that should be there that should support are not and its so much more than sad its furious and I don't understand. People who know my struggle with faith and God and yet I am not seen. These are the things that I don't understand, that I am angry about. I don't understand the logistics of how things have worked in my life.

And I think part of the reason that I am so frustrated, is because I have a few really good people in my life that are sticking with me, that bless me beyond anything that I could imagine. It makes me realize just how not right all those other people are and it breaks my heart. And the people that are sticking with me are not related to me, they in no way have to be there for me but they are. They are in more ways than I could ever imagine becoming my people. They are truly becoming my family and for that I am more than grateful. I think that in having these people and feeling so blessed it makes me realize, just how crappy that I have been treated and its really not ok with me. I just can not be treated so terribly anymore, I will not be ignored and treated like I am second class. With that means, cutting some strings, saying goodbye and getting really angry at the questions that can't be answered. At the people that haven't helped and don't have my best interests at heart. So maybe it's my time to be angry and the tears will come when they need to come.

I need to be surrounded by people who want good things for my heart, and appreciate and be grateful for them. Those are the people that are good for me that care for me that want good things for me. Those are the ones that I must keep close and treasure. I am not sure what this getting angry means, I know that it is not going to be comfortable or fun. But this is a necessity for me to get over this next roadblock. So here I come .

I heart your heart.

Worth

Worth.....This is how mine started.

This is big, really big. When your woth starts like this, it takes time to recover; to believe something different, when this is all you have known. I was never given any worth from the earliest that I can remember, I was given the exact opposite. When you think of worth, what do you think of what value do we place on things ? DO we all have worth? Are we born with worth ? Do we ourselves have worth just because we are living and breathing? Our children, without a doubt I see their worth, I knew their worth when I was pregnant with them. The things that we value the materiel things that we have do those things have worth ? What is worth time and energy ? What worth do I have?  Am I only worth something if I am doing something for you?  So the word is Worth and its something I have a very hard time with. And this past week, its been staring me in the face and it is not comfortable.

When a person grows up like I did, I had no inherent worth. I was not worth two cents, I wasn't worth the dirt under your feet. I had to always prove myself, do more talk less, be seen and definitely not heard. I was not worth anyone's time, anyone's attention anyone's anything. Even when people noticed things or saw things were not right I didn't even have enough worth for them to do anything. And how that affects a life is forever and HUGE. When people start telling you that yes you are worth a lot, and you were always worth a lot and that people should have shown you that. Its is a shock it is a reality that you have never before in your life experienced. I was in my thirties before I even thought about that, that is how deep it goes.

Kind of funny I find myself writing this not using first person and when I try to it is more than difficult, it becomes real and it hurts. I am not sure that I believe I have worth a good part of the time. Those old tapes in my head that if I am not making someone happy, being useful in some way, being productive than I am in no way worth anything. Believing that I have worth or am worthy of even the simplest things, like a hug is hard for me to sit with, and close to impossible to believe , I often say that I need a bat for things to sink in with me.

When One person started talking about my worth some years ago, it was completely foreign and more than difficult. I had worth just because of the fact that I was born ? What and what are you smoking ? You are out of your mind. It left me puzzled, and shocked , its  not something that I automatically understand for myself. As a teacher as a mom as a friend, The people that I interact with I can see that they have worth because very simply they just do. Most people are worthy of the good things in life and deserve all those good things.  I was never taught that for myself, never shown that.

For me things were all turned around and I became a victim so early on that I believed there was no worth to my life I was good for what my father needed. I didn't make anyone happy, I didn't make anyone smile, I was good for nothing but giving him what he wanted. And for my mother I was good to keep secrets and pretend that we are a family and that things were all fine.

Today I am older I don't believe all of the things that I once did but worth is a struggle. When I truly need something it is more than difficult for me to accept that I have a need and even more difficult to accept help. I want so much to be so strong and be able to do it all on my own and yea that doesn't always work.

In the last week, I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams, given gifts that I am in awe of and my heart is more than excited, its literally busting rainbows!!!  My heart is more than scared because I am not sure that I can prove that I am worth such gifts, yea now that is a bind ! It is such a struggle in my head. My heart is more than grateful and I have to practice that saying yes I will accept that and be grateful. Not accepting and saying but you shouldn't but why me, but…. but…. BUT.....No none of that. And believe me I could come up with many many reasons.

Getting a new car is something more than huge, and the thoughts in my head, I don't deserve this car, it is more than overwhelming. I am more than overwhelmed and completely excited, this is something I would never have the chance to own. I mean I have not been given enough value in the past, to deserve nice good things in life. And I have seen that proved by my family. So when I truly start to believe that I do have worth and they treat me as if I don't, its hard to separate in my mind . With my old van for example. I could write about all the many things that don't exactly work correctly, with broken windows, radio is temperamental, A/C goes mostly on, the broken side mirror that I glued, the passenger door that just doesn't work anymore, there are a lot of things but that is the kind of car that I deserve. Those are the kinds of things that just happen that I just have to get used to, things not worth fixing, that was the message that I often got. Having a new absolutely amazing car, as wonderful as it is, I struggle that I am worth such a gift. I struggle that its too perfect for someone who is so unworthy. That is the exact thought, I know its crazy, I hear its wrong but that is where my heart is.

Being invited for Thanksgiving is such a blessing. Such an amazing dream.   When you don't have family and someone invites you to be with theirs that is huge. And again the gift in that is mind-blowing for someone like me. For someone to want to be with my crazy weird self, that is kind of unheard of in my world. There is such an excitement because these are the people that I love most in this world. It is just one of those things, and that I am still cared for and thought of, I can not begin to tell you what that means to this heart of mine. Its more than grateful, its something heaven sent and that is exactly what it is, its my very own little miracle for this often rough life of mine.

I am having to learn and accept that I do have value, that I am worthy of kindness and respect and I am worthy of those things regardless of the past that I have had. I have accepted the invitation for Thanksgiving, and the gift of such an amazing car !!!! ( Doing cartwheels) Yea that might take awhile to set in, YEARS to set in....but I am working really hard, really trying. That even in my weirdness people want me around, that even not having a job right now, I am still worthy. That It is ok receiving a gift from someone's heart, because that’s just it; its their kind heart. And I am worth kindness, I am worth loving even on my not so great days. Even on the days when all I do is breathe.

Life is strange, and for me life is looking better. I am figuring things out. I am learning to live. Life is moving on , I am still fighting , but I am winning. Well mostly winning and that is a good place to be.

I heart your heart.

 

The things that bring you together or Don't but should

I was watching a video and in it they said that since going through their own tragedy that it brought their family closer that they learned to truly enjoy each other and their family. And that hit me really hard. Because I miss my family, or the idea of what my family is supposed to be and I just need to cut the strings. The big things in my family did almost the exact opposite. Like when I pressed charges on my father, when I had the kids, and when I graduated. Those are things that should bring people closer! You would think there would be a lot of support and kindness and for me there wasn't, EVER. My grandmother was living with us, when I pressed charges and the stares that I got from her were so cold and mean, and not once did she ever talk to me about it. The night I told my mother that my father had abused me we were on our way home from the movies and it was late it was storming outside she said that she couldn't believe that he hurt his own brother. There was that deafening silence then I said that he wasn't the only one and she pulled into a church parking lot and she cried. I don't remember what she said, she gave me a hug but it was like there was a wall it was for her not for me. I just remember watching the windshield wipers as the rain fell. I only told her because I knew that the detective was going to be contacting her about my case and any information that she might have. She sent me flowers the next day they were beautiful but there was nothing for my heart. I tried to talk to my brother, and he kind of laughed, He said "well you can't press charges on someone for being an ass-hole" and he walked away. That was all that was ever said. I went through the entire court system on my own. I was more than terrified, I was more than grateful for my detective, but he wasn't my family. I wanted my family to be with me and support me and I think they thought is was stupid. My mother never asked about what happened to me, she didn't ask anything, she was in her own world. Once when we were all sitting in the Da's office getting ready for trial and the questions that they had to ask, that I had to answer were devastating and not one of them said a word. My mother and my brother sat there in their own world. I was more than embarrassed, and wanted to scream at the same time, while shaking someone ;did you hear what she just asked me? Did you just hear what he did to me? Do you even care that that happened to me, your daughter by YOUR husband? When it was all over and I finally said take a plea I just want it over, my brother was laying on the floor watching TV, and said nothing. My mother gave me a hug and said aren't you glad it's all over. That was it. I don't remember what the rest of the day was like, but I am sure that my heart was broken.  It was one of those moments where time stands still and it feels like everything is moving all around you, but your world has stopped. It was over but nothing was really changed.
 

I think it was my second or third trip and this time I went to Boston on my own, and this time I had to testify, it was unimaginable and terrifying. I wanted to crawl in a hole, I took medicine to calm my heart and there weren't even any tears I just wanted to be back home. I remember my mom picking me up at the airport, and there was a distance she could not understand the trip that I just survived. We never talked about it she never asked. I just talked a little about Ruth, and my disbelief in her lack of caring. Then nothing, but silence. I was on my own. Totally on my own.

So fast-forward a year or so, I was trying to keep up appearances, but I was completely a mess, life was falling apart at the seams and no one was noticing. And I got pregnant with Vincent and Mariska and the hurtful comments never stopped. Cruel things that should never be said were spoken and they hurt. Digs at me at my children that cut to my core, and she said well I know you got pregnant on purpose. She had no clue and again never cared to ask questions. I had learned not to give information, it only made things worse and I wasn't listened to anyway. My brother was angry, just more of the same self centeredness I got from them most of my life. It was so sad.

It was thanksgiving when she said that we could stay, that we could have more than half a room, the kids and I. Then it was December when we found out that I was going to have twins. For a time we were a family, things were good. When I depended on her for everything, when I couldn't meet my own needs things were fine. As they got older as I grew stronger things were not the same. I am not sure if things were always unhealthy or if I was just noticing things but either way it happened. We were in the way, our hearts didn't matter, we took up too much space, we were a burden and my breathing bothered her. It happened so quickly, with in a year things had done a complete 180. Until my heart was so hurt, there was no going back. I lost myself for a short time trying to make everything perfect, trying to keep our things out of her way, still nothing worked, and nothing made it better. I found an email that was written and it was the beginning if the end, I couldn't be hurt anymore, I was working so so so so hard trying to finish school, take care of my heart, care for my children, and the bond was shattered, there was absolutely nothing left once words are on paper that call you names, that damage your spirit. There just is no going back, the damage is done. She wiped her hands and tries to pretend that all is well.

Then I was given such gift that got me out of that situation that allowed my heart to heal. And still there was so much hurt, trips that my brother made never letting me know that he was here, Him changing his number not telling me, and then I stopped hearing from him all together. Trips were made to Victoria and we were not invited, my mother went there for Holidays and there was the hurried conversations realizing that she was there and he didn't say a word. Trips to the state fair and the kids were shown pictures look where we went and they were not invited. That was what the relationships had become, and it made me sad.

I think I thought that maybe graduation would be different; I wanted things to be the way that they once were. A way that I know is gone but still hoped for. And they showed up for my graduation my mother and my brother and it only made me sad because it just did. And people have pictures with their families their parents and I didn't. Not my blood Family and that was sad, more than sad. Maybe graduation would bring us together, it didn't. My brother didn't even show up the next day for my party. No going out to lunch no conversation nothing, and for a second it killed me, it was a realization that I didn't even have my brother, the last family that I had, that I was holding onto. My graduation party was amazing , the best part was when everyone was sitting, talking, relaxing when my favorite people were there and I was there in that moment all of me and that might have been one of the best feelings ever. This was one of the best times EVER, it was safe and peaceful and my heart was more than happy. All I ever needed and wanted was right there in that room.

I realized and am realizing the people that I had pictures with were my family were the most important people in my life, People came from far away just for me, and that made my heart so very happy. The people that were there for me, I still think about that night and my heart smiles I took in every second, I had made it. And as much as those people were there for me that I call my family, they have their own family they all have people to go back too. For me they are it, there is no going back to anything and that is the part that is so very difficult that I have to try and figure out .

In this place that I am in I have to learn that what I have is ok, that the time that I have with my people is precious and I hold on to that. I am grateful for my people, more grateful than any words could ever express. I have to let go of what I wish was and hold on to what I have here and now and that is hard. As happy and as good as those people are there is a sting that just is when your family isn't there as they should be to hold your heart.

And I have to say that the holidays are coming and there is no family to go to, no road trip to the boonies this year I am going to have to make new traditions for the kids and I, things that I will create for our family. And I am excited about that, but my heart still stings, and I am not quite sure what to do with that. I know that I can make a turkey, and its edible and really good, we will make fruit cocktail , and enjoy the holidays being a family, together. So I am going to do that for us and take things as they come, no matter what exactly that might look like. The things that should have brought my family together haven't, and the people who have families already have been my family and that is well worth holding onto even if they are not mine. So what these next months bring, I don't have a clue but I am all in, holding on. So they say when one door closes another opens RIGHT??

I heart your heart