Here I am loved, but its different. My heart feels different here, and I miss the feelings in Colorado. I think there is so much hurt here in Texas that its hard to move on and my heart feels that. I am working really hard trying to do all the right things and I am not sure that its working; not sure that I am moving forward getting anywhere. I still do not have a job, am still not on my own and I turn 40 in April!!!! That is really hard. Sure things were more than rough my life has not exactly gone according to plan but I have graduated, I am pushing through, putting things together; putting my life pieces back together and yet something is missing. There are pieces that just ARE NOT falling into place for me. And I don't know if that's here or there ??
Something is missing and I don't know what that is. I am desperately looking and can't find it
I know that my heart is more than sad, more than frustrated. I am sure that part of it is the Holidays, and not having family around not having people around. That is hard. During the holidays there is supposed to be lots of people around and laughing and it will be good for the kids, we will laugh and play and enjoy every second but I am still sad, I want people around for me too.
There is a huge part of me that wants to run to Colorado and be with people that love me, find a job and I will live happily ever after. Then I think there is still work for me to do here, and I am sure it; my crazy fragile heart, would stay away for awhile but after some time I am sure it would be there with bells and whistles. My past is my past no matter where I am and I may get a break of a year or two maybe more, but that brick wall isn't going anywhere and after a few years I would hit it hard. I don't want to run away, well yes maybe I do , I really do. But is that what I am supposed to do ?
What is it that I should be doing right now, what more can I be doing ? I feel like a leech , I feel like there just isn't enough of me for anything. I kind of feel like the scarecrow from the wizard of oz there are pieces of me over there, and over there and still more over there!!!!! I get up and work and smile and try to make it all work but my insides are screaming .......A frustrating time for sure, and I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water.
And they want to take my money for food. I am making too much money and my car is worth too much. Yea tell me that makes sense. I feel like I can not get ahead. It's not that the world is against me at all, its that I am obviously doing something wrong, I am obviously not doing something that I should be, if I were things would be better my heart would be different, I am happy but its not that pure Joy like I had in Colorado.
I really hate the saying Don't be sad because its over smile because it happened. BAH!!!!!! Easy to say, but my heart is broken and longing for a place that isn't an option right now. I wish that I understood why I haven't gotten a job yet. I have done the interviews, I have been working consistently and still no job. I am grateful that Monday I start a long term position, same classroom I already know a lot of the kids which is awesome. I feel like there is something that I am supposed to be learning and yet I don't have a clue what that is and I am frustrated.
The kids went away to camp and I was completely on my own for two days so strange. I didn't eat, not much sleep, and my heart was sad. I missed them but it was more than that. Its something inside that feels broken that feels damaged, what am I worth with out my children ? YEA, that is a really rough one.
Life just hurts right now, and I think part of it is because I am realizing that no matter where I am or what I do there is a past that is screaming to be dealt with. Yes, I have come a really long way but yes there is a way to go. I have always put a time limit on myself that when this or that happens that I will be done and all will be well with the world and that isn't the case. The things I have to deal with are going to be life things that I am going to have to process. The truth in that is rough, because I have life to live , children to teach and my own children that need a mom. Out side of all those things there is me and I am not sure that there is any left to do the things that I know are needed. I always do what I have too, it all gets done, but I am spent.
I really slept in Colorado, no nightmares no flashbacks, and that feeling was something more than amazing and then BAM just that fast, they are back, that is the part that I don't understand. My heart is being pulled in one direction and my life is going the other and I am in a place of not knowing what in the world I am supposed to do or where I am supposed to go. Not a fun place to be. And when you have to depend on others it makes it that much harder.
I am not one to sit with feelings, especially these but maybe that is exactly what I need to do !?! Maybe, Maybe not, I don't know. At this point there is not much that I do know and my heart is tired and frustrated and I want to curl up in a ball and know that I am loved. I want to sleep peaceful. I want to see good pictures and dreams and I don't understand why I don't here. Because here is where I am right now, and where I live and I have to survive here. I need to know what I need to be doing and I will do it.
Oh December, I hope that you get easier. My heart needs some peace.
I heart your heart.
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