The two of us were pretty funny when we got together, things we would laugh at and joke about those things in families that just make others laugh. Well I haven't seen him in close to two years and haven't talked to him in forever. Wait take that back, he came to graduation then decided not to come to the party since he didn't know if he was invited. I asked my mom to call him tell him to come, her response, was she didn't know his number. And Well the last time that I talked to him, was when I called him on his birthday. After he had changed his number and never told me, yea that stung. That was really rough, he didn't tell me he changed his number. Last Christmas there was nothing, my birthday nothing, the kids birthday nothing. He came here a few times and didn't even see me, I asked him what he was thinking, and he just said well they thought it was best , meaning him and my mother. Those things hurt so much. And I don't understand the why of it all....why I am not wanted. This year again there was nothing, my mother went there, I said Merry Christmas, thats what a daughter does, I texted her to tell Chris I said Merry Christmas but nothing. I am an outsider, I do not belong in this family. That is heard loud and clear.
I guess that was kind of the beginning of the end. When things started to go terribly wrong with my mother and I, he started forgetting about me. And I will never understand. Maybe a part of me does understand she could never be nice to both of us at the same time. I cried to him, telling him things that she was doing how she was treating us, that I didn't understand. I told him how I was looking into homes for single mothers because of how I was being treated and things that were being said about me. I told him that things WERE THAT BAD. I told him about the terrible email that was left out talking about me being irresponsible, and disrespectful, and all the other terrible things that were said and nothing, he always made some excuse.
Since I decided to be where I was wanted and loved for Thanksgiving, I was left at Christmas not invited, not called not anything. Like the theme in my family, I meant nothing, I am not important to them. Unless I could give them something, I was worth nothing. And the truth is I don't want to be with them and be fake, I don't want to be sitting in the same room with them knowing all the things that have been said behind my back. I don't want to sit with them and be fake but it hurts. I wish that they wanted me to be a part of their lives and they don't. And honestly, I don't want them in mine, it hurts, too much has happened, too many things have been said, or ignored and it breaks my heart. But I think that everyone wants to b wanted by their own family.
It makes me angry things that are spoken behind others backs, then they pretend that everything is fine. When thrift store things are bought as gifts, because money isn't worth being spent on a person. Words are spoken about not spending money on people and things are said then you find that you are now getting that same treatment. I just can not play their games, I can not pretend that everything is fine, I won't keep my mouth shut and keep the peace. They have hurt me beyond repair, and its time to cut my losses. I will never forget the good times when we would laugh, and enjoy our time together. If there was ever a day when he would speak to me and say that he was sorry, that he didn't mean to hurt me things might be different, but they are not. And that time is not now.
When my children are not acknowledged, no calls no nothing and they are hurt, it's over. There is nothing that I can do or say to make things better. There are no words to make them understand. I will be civilized to my mother, for my children, but for me there is nothing. I think for me it means having to accept the way that things are, how they have changed, or maybe how they have stayed the same and how I am not included in the family.
My focus needs to be on my family, my children and what is best for us as we move forward. I can not keep holding on to what I want, that would be waiting to be hurt.
So going forward I have to come to the realization that some things just are not meant to be. They do not like the person that I am, we are going in two very different directions. What I stand for what I believe in they don't see or understand and it hurts. When your family doesn't like you, its more than difficult but I will not go backwards or stay where I was just to make them happy. My heart hurts, and maybe there will be a piece that always aches, but I know that we are moving forward and together the kids and I with the help of people that I can truly call my family, that do love me and all my craziness those are the things and the people that I need to hold onto. All that I can do is hold on to those people who want to me to grow and succeed.
When you are around those kinds of people and the feelings that fill your heart with joy, the good feelings of being loved and cared for that is where a person belongs, and that is where I am heading. One foot in front of the other. Just a life change and we are on very different paths.
If you lucky enough to have family, hold them tight, respect their journey and love them with your whole heart.
I heart your heart.
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