So, its been a little hard lately Ha-Ha SHOCKER right ! But I'm realizing that I wanted the world to stop. And maybe I still do just a little, OK maybe a lot. When so many terrible things happened to me, nothing changed, no one was there, no one was helpful no one did anything differently. No one changed the locks, no one made sure I was safe, nothing ever changed for anyone else but for me EVERYTHING changed, my whole entire world was shattered and in a matter of a few hours or a nighttime I had put the pieces back together and be ok to go through another day. My whole entire life has been like that, I have always been fine. I am raped, well get up and go to school. My tadpoles are killed smile say everything is fine. Gang Raped go to bed it will all be better in the morning, just hide the bruises RIGHT!?!
NO.....VERY VERY WRONG....Nothing was all right but no one noticed so I just kept going or if they, did notice, they didn't care so again I just kept going. That is what you do you just keep going. But the further that I get in healing the more that I realize, that I wanted someone to stop. I wanted someone to stop and to be there. With everything that went on, every assault, every rape every abuse that I went through every everything I just kept going. I would be so sad inside, literally my insides were coming apart and I always kept going. I wanted to curl up in a ball and be able to process and feel the things that had happened . I wanted someone to notice, I wanted what happened to me to matter and it never did. There was something that I can't explain, a drive, a desire to make things different and I would put what happened to me away and go on with what life needed me to do.
I know that I have often said I just wanted the world to stop for just a short time, so I could cry and be sad and then I would gather myself back together and be ok. The problem with that is; that is fine and acceptable when the crime first happens. But later years later everyone expects you to be fine, everyone expects you to be over it. Only its not so pretty and it doesn't work like that.
I am not saying that I want someone to say oh poor Sherri at all that just isn't it. I just want someone to sit with me let me talk, let me cry for a time not forever but for a time. And maybe not just once maybe every now and then when the memories are terrible, when the pictures in my head are overwhelming, when my heart gets sad at the things that I have lost. Yea those times.
I can tell you there have been a few times where people have said, I am just so sorry and they have just sat. Sometimes there are words, sometimes there are questions sometimes its a hand to hold when you feel more than alone. That is when my heart feels better that is when I feel heard that is when the most healing occurs. I can name the exact people that those moments happened with and where we were and what happened, and for those times I am so grateful. But I think with a life like mine, I may always need those moments. I think for me there are just going to be times that are rougher than I would like to admit.
I worry all the time about breaking about there being a last straw, that is totally going to be the death of me, but really that is not who I am. If at 5 I could keep going I am sure that today at 39 I will also be fine. Only today I am not going to pretend that all is well. Because it's not, it's not fine. I am NOT FINE. There it is I am not FINE.
Right now I kind of feel like a pressure cooker, there is just so much feeling an emotion but yet I don't let it out. Or I let it out a little and I yell at my kids then feel awful then I realize oh yea its those feelings that I have yet to let go of!!! Well that sucks! And I know that I have to be selective, I have to be careful because mine is a story that I can't share with everyone, mine is a story that takes a special person to even be a part of . I want , oh this feels so needy but I want to be heard, I want to be seen and I want to be kept safe. I want people to do things differently. I want people to be understanding. I need people to understand that I am not always fine, I just pretend to be. And that a whole lot of the time I feel nothing and everything all at once. I can cry for others, their sadness their pain and for me, I shut it all off. I was crying this afternoon for a student, and yet for me, I can't feel. I shut it off. I CAN NOT shut it off for me, because yes it was along time ago but its just now that I am getting people to understand, its just now that people are not leaving, are not going anywhere, just now people are stopping. Just now people are there, just now my heart is cared for. And I am loved, truly loved. If others are stopping and noticing then, I have to believe, I am worth it and maybe hopefully someday I can say that I am fine....I am good and really truly mean it with my whole heart. So please excuse me on those days that I am not fine and I just want the world to stop EVEN today.
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