And....Just Like That

And just like that its Christmas Eve, just like that, it is just the kids and I, this is something I should be used to, but there is a sting. Just like that I was able to do Christmas for my Children, all on my own, and I can't tel you how great that feels. Its going to be amazing all Just like that. It is amazing how things happen in life sometimes, the little things that you don't think matter; the big things that make a difference to people. And just like that my children are 10 and I am blessed beyond words. I got a job in Plano at the kids school, all just like that. Because I took chances because I am changing because I want good things for my self and MY FAMILY.

That is how things happen in life, when you least expect them, when you are pointed in a different direction and you never imagined that is where you were supposed to go. In all of my crazy deep sadness lately there are blessings that I am holding dear. I am holding on to them tightly, as tight as I have ever held onto anything. Christmas is a rough time for me, its just me, I have to be mom, dad, Santa, I have to be it all and that is rough at this time. but I am happy for my children that magic of Christmas that they believe in, that Joy oh its something amazing. Mariska woke me up at not even 6 am to say Merry Christmas Eve mom and was so excited, then closed her eyes and went back to sleep smiling. Those are the moments to live for. That is what I am holding on too. I am still holding on to Colorado to get me through, wanting that sense of peace for my heart again, that safety that comfort. Wanting to be loved and be in a place where there doesn't have to be any words. I was loved, I was watched out for, and I was more present than I have been in a very long time. I have come to the conclusion I will not find that peace here, and I have to work really hard trying to find where it is that I am supposed to be.

On this Christmas Eve I am finding myself thankful for the gifts I was able to get my children, for the amazing roof over our head where our hearts are cared for, for the most amazing car, that is all mine, that I still sit in each day and can not believe that its mine, that I am worth it. That in the new year I am starting a job two minutes from my house, at the school the kids go to. Its going to be a challenge but it feels more than right. Those doors just opened and I took them. I have made the hard choices, done what I had to do but its working. One foot in front of the other. Things are not moving as quickly as I would like, but I am still moving forward. Trying to figure it all out.

We have spent the day making pumpkin bread and cookies, making cool ornaments. I have done laundry, vacuumed, folded, cleaned, wrapped I have yet to take a shower. Then service at Gateway, I am sure there will be tears there always are for me at Christmas. Christmas was a time when things weren't so terrible. Dinner, the kids want to go to a Chinese buffet kind of funny, but they are so excited a big treat. Some lights and hot chocolate from Starbucks, with a gift card I received from one of my kids. I want to enjoy each second. Its enjoying those little things that make memories, that mean the most. The kids are cleaning up their room getting ready for Santa, and I do believe this is the most magical night of the year. I am teary, wishing for other places but I am here now.

And just like that, my heart is grateful.