PAIN DESERVES TO BE FELT

So I saw this when I saw the movie The fault in our stars. I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote it down. It struck such a chord with me.

I watched it again and still felt it. This is something important, LISTEN CALLAHAN . LISTEN. LISTEN.  This just might be the next step. Pain Even your pain Deserves to be Felt.

Pain Deserves to be felt.

Pain Deserves to be felt.

Pain Deserves to be felt.

This is a truly rough one for me. Sure I feel it, but is that ok ?  I am different; I do not deserve to feel, to be sad. Nevertheless, it's where I am right now. And I wonder every day Does that count even for me? Of coarse pain deserves to be felt, BUT not for me. I mean as a kid I was fine, I went through the motions of my life, I got up went to school did my work, well mostly. I spent a lot of my time pretending, ignoring that there was no pain there, in my heart; No I take that back I know it was there but I often refused to feel it. I mean I had to that is how I made it. Pretending that everything was fine was how I survived. Today I smile, I laugh, say that I am fine and for sure I don't feel the pain most of the time, only in my heart I do; it's never far away ALL THE TIME. There are reminders absolutely everywhere; I tell myself I don't deserve to feel the pain it's been too long, it will crack me. Others will hate, me and think I am dwelling, I have thousands of reasons why I do not deserve to feel the things that I do. Somehow, I didn't feel the pain way back then so I don't deserve to feel it now. If I can be ok at five, why can't I be ok today at 39? And I wasn't ok at five, I was just doing what I had to do. I know the pain is there, in my bones, it creaks in with headaches, and ulcers and bruises in my sleep. I hate myself so much that I don't think I have a right to the pain that I feel. That is it right there. What right do I have to feel it all this time later? I hate the five year old that laid there and thought well its ok he just thinks that I am my mom. I just laid there, did nothing didn't fight, didn't tell him to stop. I mean come on he just thinks I am my mom. That was a rational thought until I was in my 20's!!!!! I hate the eight year old that stared out the window, tears strolling down my face as Albert drove me to the park. I watched my parents getting further away in the rear view mirror, they waved, saying goodbye, I never said a word as his hands were where ever he wanted them and we hadn't even turned the corner. I hate that 13 year old, that wanted so much to be a part to be noticed and in that terrible things happened, that I couldn't stop that I couldn't control. I couldn't make things different and I hate that. I sometimes hate myself for surviving. And that is not that I want to die at all that is not it. It is that sometimes the pain is so intense that I feel like I am breaking inside and I wish that one of them would have finished me off. I know how very close to death that I was. I know that; I know that there was something inside that kept me alive that kept me fighting, Somehow my mind was able to go away, keep me safe and I hate those things but those were the exact same things that kept me alive that allowed myself to go away in my mind and make the things that were happening to me disappear. I am not sure that I deserve to feel the hurt that I feel. I cannot remember a time that I didn't hate myself and I have to change that. I cannot hate the little girl that I was, because everything that I hate were the things that got me through, that helped me survive the hell that I was in. I am scared that to feel the pain I will disintegrate into millions of tiny pieces that I will never get back together again. But the truth is if I was going to fall apart, I already would have, if the acts themselves didn't kill me, and I am still here than for sure I can feel the hurt ?!? RIGHT?!? It is as if I look at everything as if I am holding it in my hands and so very close to my heart but at the same time I am holding my arm as far away from me as possible. I can see it, so very clear, I can see all the tiny details, yet the hurt is OVER THERE far away and I don't have to feel it. I hold it dearly it affects everything but I DO NOT feel it consciously all the time, its just there. It just IS there are moments it gets close, and I feel it and then I put it way out there again it's just too much. So maybe just maybe its time that I allow myself to feel and know that, that's ok. Life was hard, hurtful unthinkable and unimaginable. However, I am here. Yes its been years but it hurts, I am not dwelling I am trying with everything I know to heal and maybe that next step is just letting myself feel the pain, with out feeling guilty, without giving myself a time frame for it to be ok. Without feeling as if I have to explain why it still hurts my heart so much. I HOPE that it will be better someday, but I think maybe the only way is right through this exactly where I am . I have had a few really good years with an amazing person that got me through a huge piece of the past; he helped me crawl out of a big black hole that I was in and I didn't have to do it alone. I got so many things done, and I felt the pain, and I came a really long way and I didn't crumble, I did not shatter. I actually grew in so many things. It hurt, there was plenty of pain and oceans of tears but I came out on the other side better than when I started. And now its time to continue that, let someone be there, let the few people that care, that are close to me really be there and help me. They are not running, they are staying and walking with me. I am not sure if there is an end to this healing journey, I don't think that there is. I think there may always be days when the pain is going to need to be felt, but it won't be so intense. And for me that has to be ok, for those around me that has to be ok, because it's MY life. There will be sad days, there will be joyous days; days when I want to forget, but they are all my days just the same. I can not go back, I can not change the things that happened but they don't have to stop me from living either.  I won't let it.

My fears in feeling the pain today is that somehow, I am going to be stuck back there and I will not be able to escape, that is what my mind fears most. I think sometimes my mind forgets that IT IS OVER. My mind is so worried about protecting me, that it's a fight to feel. If I don't feel, I am going to be stuck in these thoughts, these feelings and I just cannot do that. There are too many things that I want to do, personally, professionally and even as a mom.  The life that I have lived, I will never put it away until there is no more abuse, until no child is hurt so the faster I deal with my own pain the more that I will be ble to help others. I have to make a difference, I was meant too.  There is a lot of life left for me to live and I need to do what needs to be done. Feel what is there, don't create more, just feel what there is to feel with out regret, or excuses. Live this crazy wonderful life as much as it hurts with as much joy, kindness, and happiness as possible. 

So hold on, things could get rocky but its all for the good of my heart; you never know just might learn something.

I heart your heart.

 

Little Dove So much Meaning

The little things. Little things like Birds. So this morning. Yea I don’t even know where I am supposed to start. All I can think of is a post that I am working on…The pain deserves to be felt. And it was something so simple that I didn’t even realize was a big thing.

I was cleaning up folding laundry, getting ready to check some things off my list that needed to get done. I heard this huge thump, and the dogs didn’t bark, me being the chicken that I am waited for a minute then went to see. I went right to the window and this little dove was laying in the flower bed. I just stared, this doesn’t happen often. Birds are pretty good at the flying thing, and flying into windows isn’t normal. I stood there thinking she is in shock and the little thing will shake it off and start flying. Oh the thoughts in my head cheering the little thing on, wanting her to fly. She took two little breaths, her wings totally relaxed, and she closed her eyes. She had passed away. Just like that. I went outside and checked on her, she wasn’t moving. I went and got a box and carefully, gently scooped her up being careful and was going to go bury her. There was blood by her beak and that made me sad, she hit the window so hard. I was worried about something getting to her. So I was going to wrap her in some tissue and find a spot on the side of the house to bury her.

I was fine, it was sad that she died, I thought something might have been wrong since that is not a common occurrence for birds. But then burying her in the yard wasn’t an option. And I was expected to just throw her in the trash and my heart, my heart was in flight mode; that was the worst option. To me that wasn’t even an option at all. To throw her in the trash with trash was in some crazy way a way to say that she meant nothing. And just like that I felt the pain.  I know she was just a little bird but she wasn’t nothing either. So I took the little box around front, I put the shovel away. Went inside got my keys and was going to take care of this little bird. I went and picked up the box putting it in the front seat and I went to the park. I placed her by the water, near the rocks, putting her little head on a rock. She was peaceful, I felt better feeling as though I took care of her.

I am not sure the part that got to me the most. I was truly ok until that thought of throwing her away, brought back so much of my father. Expecting to throw her in the trash was big. As a little girl I can remember little gerbils or hamsters dying and the monster that my father was would make a big deal out of throwing them in the trash and then have me watch the trash truck. How cruel. So for me throwing this little bird In the trash just wasn’t an option. To put her in there and pile the weeks trash on top of her; that was heartbreaking, that was not something I could even consider doing. I can remember watching from my bedroom window, and thinking how sorry that I was for my own little animals that were just thrown away. I just wanted to make them a small little space to bury them, but he had to make it something terrible and I never got to burry, not one animal. And its those little things that amaze me after all this time that something so small means so much to my heart. So that was a huge piece, and I remembered that pain of being that little girl and watching out the window. I am sure my father wasn’t far away, and sneering and thinking that what he had done was just fine. I am sure that he enjoyed himsef. But it broke my heart.

And another piece of it for me is the bird thing. Birds are kind of special. Birds have been important, they have shown up for me in ways that I least expected them to and when I really need it. I never have really trusted people but animals, birds that is something entirely different. I mean it was that huge pelican that saved me when I was 13, showing up each morning on the Balcony. And birds have shown up, out of the blue and just sat close , on a windowsill, on the windshield when people haven’t been around birds have been there. I am always listening to them in those early mornings, trying to figure out the kind of bird that is singing. I am always on the look out for a cardinal, its just one of those little things in life that I truly appreciate. There have been days when the tears wouldn’t stop and I wasn’t sure that they ever would and in a group of trees, I would see one single Cardinal, those are the things that are important and meaningful to me. There is even a verse right by my door talking about Birds and its this :

Consider the birds and do not worry. Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or drink or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? LOOK AT THE BIRDS OF THE AIR; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns. And yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they…..

So that has meant the world to me since living here and realizing different things, birds have taught me many things and I felt that it was my job to be respectful …..I just wanted to carefully take care of her…..give her a place to rest.

For some she was just a bird, to me she was a dove that I needed to take care of. That’s my heart.

I heart your heart.

Boy Scouts

So yea this is a rough one, Really rough and its something that I can not change. Being a single mom of a boy is hard. And I wouldn’t' change it for the world, I love being a boy mom. I love being Vincent's mom. But for Vincent I wish that I could give him a dad, a role model a real man to go thru life with him. Its really hard and there just is no way around it. Any way that I look at it, its rough, its more than complicated and it breaks my heart for Vincent. There are a lot of things that I can give Vincent but Boy Scouts is not one of them. He is all boy he has loved being outside since he was little little. He loves fishing camping mud, sweat all of those things are what Vincent loves. I love some of those things too and I do them with Vincent because I know its what he loves but Boy Scouts is something different. Boy scouts is a bunch of boys and their dads getting together and doing those things together. Its not a bunch of dads and a mom ; that just doesn't work. Oh I would like it to work but it does not. A mom just does things different, just a fact.

When we go fishing, its quite the scene I have to make sure that we are kind to the fish, that we put them back. I pretend that I am the voice of the worm and it goes something lie this : NO, please don't put me on the hook no please don't do it I don't want to be lunch. And I go on and on, even after the worm is in the water, pretending to be the voice of that poor worm waiting to get eaten by a three inch fish. Then I am the fish, that has gotten caught oh please carefully remove the hook, I want to go be with my family....I know I know its my way of dealing with the whole fishing thing. It is funny, but I am sure it drives Vincent crazy. It is funny, we laugh but its not a boy fishing trip. I do everything else different why not fishing right ? I make it memorable, there is lots of laughing And how I do it is ok, but its not how a man would do it I am sure. That is the exact experience that Vincent misses out on.

Sweet Vincent even got a helicopter from his grandmother and he said that he would return it so he could pay for boy scouts. Oh if you could have see how excited that he was. And the truth is it melted my heart and made me feel awful. I am sorry for so very many things and this is a big one. So being a single mother there are some things that I just cannot do. And I am sure that Vincent would be fine, Vincent would find friends, Vincent may not be the only guy with a single mom but for this mom it is just too much.

I had for the name sake; my brother had a "DAD" growing up and that meant nothing. So my mom did Boy Scouts with my brother and the stories were told, moms do not belong in Boy Scouts. There were camping trips that were left in the middle of the night. There were cookouts with steak and my mom and her hot dogs. There were ceremonies and competitions that are to be done with dads, and there was my mom. There are some things that moms just are not very good at. There are just boy things that should be done with boys. I don't know the why's or how's but there are things that men are better at and being a dad is one of them. I am more than sorry for that, I just can't give that to Vincent.

I am so very sorry that Vincent doesn't have one and I can not give it to him. Believe me I have tried to find a role model; there have been a few men that I have asked. I have asked them to be around for Vincent take him under their wing be a good guy, show him what that means, help him grow be an example and I have not found anyone to take that challenge. I have tried so hard and yet no one wants that job they are all busy with their own families their own lives and I completely understand but it is hard when you are on this end. And it is hard when you are Vincent and you want more than anything to experience life doing boy things with a dad. I am sure there are times he gets sick of us girls. Mariska and I. He hears words about pads, and periods, and bra sizes and shaving and all of that and I am sure he would like to escape sometimes. We laugh and try to make it easy on him but I know that it is not.

Just the other day I told Vincent about his name and how I picked it out for him. That I knew his name was going to be Vincent long before he was even born. Do you Remember that show Beauty and The beast with Linda Hamilton, she was hurt and Vincent was the one who saved her took care of her. He was the kindest most gentle soul and I was sure that If ever had a son he would be just like that. And all that I can do is try to teach him the things that I know. I hope and pray that someday there will be a man that he can look up to, that he can ask questions too and do all those boy things that his heart longs for. As his mom there are times that I see him longing for a dad and its hard. I play both roles all the time but some I do better than others and Boy Scouts is not in my book of tricks. I hope someday he can understand and know I am sorry, that I tried so very hard to give him good things and good company and that sometimes it just wasn’t enough. And this is one of those things.

My sweet amazing Vincent, oh I love you !

I Heart your Heart.

In case of Emergency

So I was filling out my paperwork for Plano schools. And there comes the place where you are supposed to fill in the in case of emergency, who would you like them to contact. I sat staring at that question forever. Its one of those things you can't just put someone’s name down with out telling him or her you know. So I SAT. And I stared and I left it blank with out giving it much thought. I wasn’t going to be a pest and ask someone hey can I put you down for an emergency contact ? You know in case I have a heart attack, or a bomb explodes or I have a panic attack in public and no one knows what to do with me ? Yea can I put you down for that lovely job !!!! So no I didn’t put down a name and left it blank and didn’t give it another thought until I actually had to turn in the said paper work to HR. She was sitting there looking over all my information checking my transcripts, yada yada and she stops when she gets to THAT question. She looks at me and says you didn’t put an emergency contact…..Silence and I was like yes it that a problem ….and the look that I got from her; she was totally confused. I asked if I had to have someone? that there wasn’t anyone to put on it. She had no words and until the look on her face I didn’t see it as such a big deal. But that look, it was rough. She was a little flustered and said well I am going to have to check and see if this is ok…..Like if it wasn’t she was going to magically produce someone to put as my emergency contact ! The woman was acting like this was some matter of life and death here, which it was not, I promise. And she got her answer well if there is no one then its fine to leave it blank. Just how she looked at me made me feel terrible and she said “ Well we are just going to put a line through that then, like that was going to make a difference or something. And we moved on with the rest of the paperwork.

Just that she made such a big deal about it, and then each person on either side of me gave me the looks, it was just plain awkward. I mean it can’t be that uncommon right ? I don’t know. Is it really that big of a deal ?

I was fine with it until she made such a big deal out of something so small. That’s just it really, I don’t ask even in case of emergencies. And there have been times that I should, times that I should have asked for help that I was in a bigger emergency than anyone imagined but I never said a word. That’s been the problem my entire life its been full of emergencies and you just do it, you don’t ask for help, but honestly its deeper than that because its not even a thought. Asking for help is not even in your world. Asking for help means that you are needy and that is one of the last things that I ever want to be.

So yea thank you crazy HR woman for bringing that to my attention.

No, I do not have an emergency contact, and right now that is how it is and I have to be ok with that. I have people its just that I am not going to bother them with some stupid emergency contact space on your form that you are not comfortable leaving blank.

I heart your heart

The Healing Journey

A poem about the healing journey By Svava Brooks

 

Mirror mirror, what do you see?

I see a scared little girl hiding behind a tree.

I see you little girl, I love you little girl, I am here for you little girl

Nothing will ever hurt you again little girl.

Mirror mirror, what do you see?

I see a hurt young woman hiding behind her glee.

I see you, I hear you, I believe you, I still love you.

It was not your fault, it’s time to feel,

Mirror mirror, what do you see?

I see an insecure woman hiding behind her plea.

I feel your heart, I know this is hard, you are fighting for your life, you are tired of the fight,

But with a touch of hope, she continues to fight

Mirror mirror, what do you see?

I see a spark and a gleam in this determined woman’s eye,

I feel your heart, I hear your voice, stronger, knowing who she is

The strength that found courage inside.

Mirror mirror, what do you see?

A confident woman that shares her heart,

A beautiful woman that shares her love,

A gentle woman that has compassion for all,

A wise woman that encourages all,

A peaceful women that knows herself.

Mirror mirror, what do you see?

A woman that does not need me to tell her what I see

Because she knows herself, trusts herself and loves herself.

A woman humble enough to know she needs others, needs to belong

And needs to feel loved and to love.

Thank you my mirror, you showed me until I could see,

that all along, I could love me.

Now, I am very happy and proud to be me!

By Svava Brooks

2014

 

 

This is good, this is really good. Not nearly there but I am trying.

 

I am workng really hard and someday. Its a journey, My journey. 

 

I heart your heart

STOP...Let things unravel

So yea, man it has been a very strange few weeks. My emotions have been all over the place. I go on interviews get so excited and then nothing. I don't hear a thing. No, offer no thank you but no thanks just silence. I get ignored, don’t get dirrection, but at least I am in the class room right !?! I am grateful to be in the classroom, I love them all, but I want my own class, my own kids. My heart, I don't have a clue, but it is not great. Some days I think yea I am really going to be ok, all is well. Then there are more days lately that I want to curl up in a ball and scream at the world to stop.

 

JUST STOP......

 

However, we all know that is so not an option but some days it would be nice if it would. I want to watch all the movies that have a beautiful happy ending after 110 minutes and all is well with the world. I want to watch those movies where people have horrible things happen but in the end, they are all free, content and happy. Yes, those movies where justice is served and hearts are mending and everyone lives happily ever after. I do know it does not happen like that, but at least for a short time, there is hope.

 

 

As much as things have hurt lately, I am kind of shut down. We all know that I am a crier! Lately the tears come; I get ticked for crying in the first place and stop. I am sure there is a backlog of tears so when hey do come, pray you are not around! I heard this song and thought YES YES YES. I have to get out there. OK CALLAHAN your heart has been hurt but live! You are still alive still breathing and there is a life to live. KEEP Going. KEEP Going. KEEP Going. I am exhausted, all the fighting, all the strength to keep everything together, I am spent. I don't want to be alone yet I keep myself separate. Don’t ask for help even if I need it. I see me needing anything as a terrible thing, and try to need as little as possible. I have never been a joiner and frankly I probably never will, but I have to get out there even a little. Even the other night someone said something about having a few friends, that sometimes all that is going on is too much for one person to handle but when different people are involved it lessons the burden. My life is heavy and I don’t want to burden ANYONE, and at the same time doing it alone is more than any one person should have to carry.

 

 

I have been trying to figure out why these last few weeks have been exceptionally hard and I think it’s because I am safe. Things are coming up that I do not want to look at. The nightmares are insanely awful. The flashbacks yea, those are pretty much my normal close to EVERYDAY. I am in a place where I am wanted. I am in a place where I don't know what is next but at the same time, I feel as if I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I have not had safe like this in a very long time, it’s been years and I have it now. There are no grades to worry about, no papers to write. I have graduated, Ha me I have a degree. I cannot put to words why I do not have a job yet, but I know that I am doing absolutely everything that I can. I have been going going going for years ....trying to make everything ok, trying to keep all the pieces together. Trying to remember to breath and maybe its time I unravel a little. I need to take time to breathe and stop fighting.

 

 

STOP. JUST STOP FIGHTING.

 

 

I have had to fight my entire life, maybe its time to breathe. People can't understand my life, but at least some people are trying and that matters so much. I have to let things happen, I didn't say stop trying, I didn't say give up but just let things happen, remember to breathe and be ok if things unravel a little. You do not have to have it all figured out. Maybe in the unraveling things will become clear. The way that I have done things for years doesn't work anymore. I am in a different place, I am a different person. Not to get a big head but I am stronger than I have been in a long time. I am still different, crazy, weird, odd just pick your word; I fit them all. I am still hard to understand, I am quiet, I am sincere I am genuine, and I am ME. I have always been me.

So Callahan its time to breathe, take it all in and know you don't have to fight anymore, let things come, let people help you; let them help heal your heart. We have a ways to go but don't forget how far you have come either. Rest in the fact, that on those days you didn't think you would make it you did. You always did. You have two amazing kids that you love more than life. They are growing up, they are going to understand and they are going to love you anyway.

 

 

So tell your heart to beat again. It is ok.

 

 

 

Danny Gokey : Tell my heart to Beat again

Trauma Goggles

SO I have realized that I see everything through what I am going to call Trauma Goggles. I think I am realizing a reason for that. When I say everything, I mean ABSOLUTELY everything. From taking a shower in the morning to driving, to every interaction that I have to when I go to bed at night and what I wear to bed to how I raise my children. Things were so bad for sooooo long that I see things very different from you. I see things through hurt, anger, sadness, pain, disbelief, grief, fight, protection, rage. I have joy and I find peace in the little things all the time, but I see those things through my very own trauma goggles. How I generally see the world and life experiences is different. It is just a fact. I feel and see the innocence of the little things and that is something I never want to loose. It makes life more than difficult most of the time but I don’t want to loose it. Sometimes, no most of the time I try more than hard wanting others to understand and see things the way that I do. I realized this week that it’s impossible. It is completely impossible for others to experience life the way that I do, to see things how I see them. I will never forget the place that I came from and how I was affected, and sometimes I want too much for others to completely understand that. There have been times that if I could just let someone see how I view the little things, life would be unbelievably different. I realized when I was talking with Pastor Blake that there is no amount of words that I could speak to get people to see things how I do. I kept saying I prayed at five to die. We would all hold hands and I remember saying : If I should die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take…..My prayer in my head night after night was; Please just take me, don’t let me wake up, I can not do this anymore. That is how terrible those things were so do not tell me that I have to focus and not dwell on the past. I understand that my life is hard to understand and comprehend; it is more than intense; so deep and overwhelming. I even wonder at times how in the world I am still the person that I am. I KNOW this; it has been my life and you have no idea how very sorry that I am. I do know that there have been a few people that have understood and that is where my deepest connections come from. A person that can understand and accept my heart the way it is; is truly a treasure. I am grateful for the amazing people that have stayed in my life, and absolutely have an understanding of me. People always tell me that I am more like others than I think. I try to believe that, I would love to believe that but there are times, more times than not that, I am not alike at all. I think that I am finally coming to a place where I have to be ok sharing and having others not understand. I do not want them to understand, to know that pain but I do want them to be outraged and do something about it. I want the things in my life to make them think and to make them do things differently. People don't have to care for me, and be sorry but I do expect people to do something. DO SOMETHING;  realize the difference that they could make in a life. I want people to make sure that things like this don't happen so others like me don't have to see the world as I do. It is a blessing and a curse these goggles.

　

Realizing this I see just how desperate that I am in this life for people to acknowledge what I have been through in my life. I don't like it but its true. I hold on to what happened to me for deal life, if I let go somehow it will be forgotten. And I cannot forget, I cannot stop making a difference. I don’t want people to forget either. I want them to be so upset, and think what they could do and do things different. I don't want people being careful, and walking on eggshells around me if someone has a question I want them to ask. If there is something, they want to know I want them to ask. I want people to say I am sorry I cannot imagine, Now what can I do! More than anything I want people to ask how they can make a difference, I want them to ask how they can notice. I am tired of the silence, tired of people wanting to sweep things under the carpet. I can not be quiet, and I won't be. Oh I know just how uncomfortable that it is, but its necessary. I am tired of the disbelief of children. I have been hurt by that disbelief more times than I can count and I promise you it’s devastating.

As hard as I have worked on my healing, my heart should not hurt anymore, but it does. There is so much fight to save others, to fight for all the injustices that I have experienced and to keep others from experiencing those same things. I will fight for others and I won't stop. I can not get back all that I have lost but I can save others from loosing what is theirs to keep. I put up a wall talking to Pastor when he said dwelling, because of my very own trauma goggles and that is not what he was saying at all. I wrote him another email, trying to get him to understand, I probably said too much, but I again was desperate for understanding. And I got the calmest most understanding email back and there might not be understanding but there was a peace that he heard me, understood, and hated the things that happened and how I was treated and the freedom in that is something more than amazing, in ways that don’t even have words. Those are the things that matter, that heal a heart.

Maybe that’s all that people like me want, we want to be acknowledged, we want to be heard and understood. In that, we have to know that not everyone can understand, but we must never stop trying to make difference.  We have trauma goggles; we can never take them off and it's in how we see things that we can make a difference. Would I give them up? I think sometimes it would be amazing, to not see the violence, the pain the hate but I see the simplicity of the little things and I would never give that up either. So maybe I am exactly where I am meant to be and it hurts like hell and its more than hard but I will make a difference, and do things differently and I hope and pray that my journey will inspire others to do the same and someday I can rest and take the trauma goggles off, but until that someday they stay and I continue to fight.

And so I keep breathing. I heart your heart.

 

One word, that word.

 

 

One word that takes my breath away that hurts my heart that cuts like a sword.

Rape.

Today that word came out of Vincent’s mouth. The world stopped and I still cannot breathe, literally, I cannot catch my breath. I threw up, and bent over not being able to breathe. I never used to even speak that word and avoided it at any cost. I have come a long way. Nevertheless, I heard it from my son, and I was shocked, I was hurt, I was ashamed. I don't even remember all the words he said. Mariska had thrown some old headless Barbies away and he found them when he was doing the trash, and made some comment about them being raped and he laughed. As soon as the words came out, I looked at him, he knew..., and he said I didn't mean too...but they were said and it was like daggers through my heart. He has no idea what the word means, or why I was so affected but he knew that it wasn't good. I sent him to his room and told him that I would talk to him in minute. I just calmly, heart pounding went to his room and told him not to use words that he didn't understand. That that word was something serious. And the tears started. And again, I said, DO NOT ever use that word, like that again. He said he was sorry, asked why I was crying, asked if I was ok. I didn't have any words.

That was over an hour ago and still I can't breathe, I had no idea that I would be so affected. Oh my heart hurts I wish that was not a needed word. I wish I wasn't so bothered, I wish that it didn't affect me but it did, such a little word such big meaning. I don't want my children to have to understand that word. In this moment I want to breathe easy, I want my heart to stop hurting, I want to forget. He doesn't know what that word means, and I don't want him too. The reality of that word what it means to me what it will mean to them...not an easy thing. I was not ready for how it came out of his mouth. So careless, so unthoughtful and I remind myself of his innocence he is ten and doesn't have a clue I was ten and knew all about it.

Such an ugly ugly word. I just want to crawl in bed and sleep it away....Just sleep rape away, today it hurts and its deep and painful and oozing.

I was caught so off guard and I make sure that doesn't happen often. And something big like this. I did not see it coming. I just had to lie down for a while, I was overwhelmed, and that is reality. I know that I have a lot to work on if I am this affected and it was nothing personal. I wasn't included, it wasn't about me, it was one single word that was said. I know sweet Vincent doesn't have a clue, I am afraid of them getting older. Asking questions, I am terrified. I am afraid they will hate me, think differently, and see me as a victim. I want them to know that I am ok. That I have made it. I hope my heart will calm down, I know the day is coming when they will understand, and that thought is terrifying.

I am so very sorry that this is something my children will have to know. I am so very sorry this word affects so many.

I heart you heart.