Boy Scouts

So yea this is a rough one, Really rough and its something that I can not change. Being a single mom of a boy is hard. And I wouldn’t' change it for the world, I love being a boy mom. I love being Vincent's mom. But for Vincent I wish that I could give him a dad, a role model a real man to go thru life with him. Its really hard and there just is no way around it. Any way that I look at it, its rough, its more than complicated and it breaks my heart for Vincent. There are a lot of things that I can give Vincent but Boy Scouts is not one of them. He is all boy he has loved being outside since he was little little. He loves fishing camping mud, sweat all of those things are what Vincent loves. I love some of those things too and I do them with Vincent because I know its what he loves but Boy Scouts is something different. Boy scouts is a bunch of boys and their dads getting together and doing those things together. Its not a bunch of dads and a mom ; that just doesn't work. Oh I would like it to work but it does not. A mom just does things different, just a fact.

When we go fishing, its quite the scene I have to make sure that we are kind to the fish, that we put them back. I pretend that I am the voice of the worm and it goes something lie this : NO, please don't put me on the hook no please don't do it I don't want to be lunch. And I go on and on, even after the worm is in the water, pretending to be the voice of that poor worm waiting to get eaten by a three inch fish. Then I am the fish, that has gotten caught oh please carefully remove the hook, I want to go be with my family....I know I know its my way of dealing with the whole fishing thing. It is funny, but I am sure it drives Vincent crazy. It is funny, we laugh but its not a boy fishing trip. I do everything else different why not fishing right ? I make it memorable, there is lots of laughing And how I do it is ok, but its not how a man would do it I am sure. That is the exact experience that Vincent misses out on.

Sweet Vincent even got a helicopter from his grandmother and he said that he would return it so he could pay for boy scouts. Oh if you could have see how excited that he was. And the truth is it melted my heart and made me feel awful. I am sorry for so very many things and this is a big one. So being a single mother there are some things that I just cannot do. And I am sure that Vincent would be fine, Vincent would find friends, Vincent may not be the only guy with a single mom but for this mom it is just too much.

I had for the name sake; my brother had a "DAD" growing up and that meant nothing. So my mom did Boy Scouts with my brother and the stories were told, moms do not belong in Boy Scouts. There were camping trips that were left in the middle of the night. There were cookouts with steak and my mom and her hot dogs. There were ceremonies and competitions that are to be done with dads, and there was my mom. There are some things that moms just are not very good at. There are just boy things that should be done with boys. I don't know the why's or how's but there are things that men are better at and being a dad is one of them. I am more than sorry for that, I just can't give that to Vincent.

I am so very sorry that Vincent doesn't have one and I can not give it to him. Believe me I have tried to find a role model; there have been a few men that I have asked. I have asked them to be around for Vincent take him under their wing be a good guy, show him what that means, help him grow be an example and I have not found anyone to take that challenge. I have tried so hard and yet no one wants that job they are all busy with their own families their own lives and I completely understand but it is hard when you are on this end. And it is hard when you are Vincent and you want more than anything to experience life doing boy things with a dad. I am sure there are times he gets sick of us girls. Mariska and I. He hears words about pads, and periods, and bra sizes and shaving and all of that and I am sure he would like to escape sometimes. We laugh and try to make it easy on him but I know that it is not.

Just the other day I told Vincent about his name and how I picked it out for him. That I knew his name was going to be Vincent long before he was even born. Do you Remember that show Beauty and The beast with Linda Hamilton, she was hurt and Vincent was the one who saved her took care of her. He was the kindest most gentle soul and I was sure that If ever had a son he would be just like that. And all that I can do is try to teach him the things that I know. I hope and pray that someday there will be a man that he can look up to, that he can ask questions too and do all those boy things that his heart longs for. As his mom there are times that I see him longing for a dad and its hard. I play both roles all the time but some I do better than others and Boy Scouts is not in my book of tricks. I hope someday he can understand and know I am sorry, that I tried so very hard to give him good things and good company and that sometimes it just wasn’t enough. And this is one of those things.

My sweet amazing Vincent, oh I love you !

I Heart your Heart.