PAIN DESERVES TO BE FELT

So I saw this when I saw the movie The fault in our stars. I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote it down. It struck such a chord with me.

I watched it again and still felt it. This is something important, LISTEN CALLAHAN . LISTEN. LISTEN.  This just might be the next step. Pain Even your pain Deserves to be Felt.

Pain Deserves to be felt.

Pain Deserves to be felt.

Pain Deserves to be felt.

This is a truly rough one for me. Sure I feel it, but is that ok ?  I am different; I do not deserve to feel, to be sad. Nevertheless, it's where I am right now. And I wonder every day Does that count even for me? Of coarse pain deserves to be felt, BUT not for me. I mean as a kid I was fine, I went through the motions of my life, I got up went to school did my work, well mostly. I spent a lot of my time pretending, ignoring that there was no pain there, in my heart; No I take that back I know it was there but I often refused to feel it. I mean I had to that is how I made it. Pretending that everything was fine was how I survived. Today I smile, I laugh, say that I am fine and for sure I don't feel the pain most of the time, only in my heart I do; it's never far away ALL THE TIME. There are reminders absolutely everywhere; I tell myself I don't deserve to feel the pain it's been too long, it will crack me. Others will hate, me and think I am dwelling, I have thousands of reasons why I do not deserve to feel the things that I do. Somehow, I didn't feel the pain way back then so I don't deserve to feel it now. If I can be ok at five, why can't I be ok today at 39? And I wasn't ok at five, I was just doing what I had to do. I know the pain is there, in my bones, it creaks in with headaches, and ulcers and bruises in my sleep. I hate myself so much that I don't think I have a right to the pain that I feel. That is it right there. What right do I have to feel it all this time later? I hate the five year old that laid there and thought well its ok he just thinks that I am my mom. I just laid there, did nothing didn't fight, didn't tell him to stop. I mean come on he just thinks I am my mom. That was a rational thought until I was in my 20's!!!!! I hate the eight year old that stared out the window, tears strolling down my face as Albert drove me to the park. I watched my parents getting further away in the rear view mirror, they waved, saying goodbye, I never said a word as his hands were where ever he wanted them and we hadn't even turned the corner. I hate that 13 year old, that wanted so much to be a part to be noticed and in that terrible things happened, that I couldn't stop that I couldn't control. I couldn't make things different and I hate that. I sometimes hate myself for surviving. And that is not that I want to die at all that is not it. It is that sometimes the pain is so intense that I feel like I am breaking inside and I wish that one of them would have finished me off. I know how very close to death that I was. I know that; I know that there was something inside that kept me alive that kept me fighting, Somehow my mind was able to go away, keep me safe and I hate those things but those were the exact same things that kept me alive that allowed myself to go away in my mind and make the things that were happening to me disappear. I am not sure that I deserve to feel the hurt that I feel. I cannot remember a time that I didn't hate myself and I have to change that. I cannot hate the little girl that I was, because everything that I hate were the things that got me through, that helped me survive the hell that I was in. I am scared that to feel the pain I will disintegrate into millions of tiny pieces that I will never get back together again. But the truth is if I was going to fall apart, I already would have, if the acts themselves didn't kill me, and I am still here than for sure I can feel the hurt ?!? RIGHT?!? It is as if I look at everything as if I am holding it in my hands and so very close to my heart but at the same time I am holding my arm as far away from me as possible. I can see it, so very clear, I can see all the tiny details, yet the hurt is OVER THERE far away and I don't have to feel it. I hold it dearly it affects everything but I DO NOT feel it consciously all the time, its just there. It just IS there are moments it gets close, and I feel it and then I put it way out there again it's just too much. So maybe just maybe its time that I allow myself to feel and know that, that's ok. Life was hard, hurtful unthinkable and unimaginable. However, I am here. Yes its been years but it hurts, I am not dwelling I am trying with everything I know to heal and maybe that next step is just letting myself feel the pain, with out feeling guilty, without giving myself a time frame for it to be ok. Without feeling as if I have to explain why it still hurts my heart so much. I HOPE that it will be better someday, but I think maybe the only way is right through this exactly where I am . I have had a few really good years with an amazing person that got me through a huge piece of the past; he helped me crawl out of a big black hole that I was in and I didn't have to do it alone. I got so many things done, and I felt the pain, and I came a really long way and I didn't crumble, I did not shatter. I actually grew in so many things. It hurt, there was plenty of pain and oceans of tears but I came out on the other side better than when I started. And now its time to continue that, let someone be there, let the few people that care, that are close to me really be there and help me. They are not running, they are staying and walking with me. I am not sure if there is an end to this healing journey, I don't think that there is. I think there may always be days when the pain is going to need to be felt, but it won't be so intense. And for me that has to be ok, for those around me that has to be ok, because it's MY life. There will be sad days, there will be joyous days; days when I want to forget, but they are all my days just the same. I can not go back, I can not change the things that happened but they don't have to stop me from living either.  I won't let it.

My fears in feeling the pain today is that somehow, I am going to be stuck back there and I will not be able to escape, that is what my mind fears most. I think sometimes my mind forgets that IT IS OVER. My mind is so worried about protecting me, that it's a fight to feel. If I don't feel, I am going to be stuck in these thoughts, these feelings and I just cannot do that. There are too many things that I want to do, personally, professionally and even as a mom.  The life that I have lived, I will never put it away until there is no more abuse, until no child is hurt so the faster I deal with my own pain the more that I will be ble to help others. I have to make a difference, I was meant too.  There is a lot of life left for me to live and I need to do what needs to be done. Feel what is there, don't create more, just feel what there is to feel with out regret, or excuses. Live this crazy wonderful life as much as it hurts with as much joy, kindness, and happiness as possible. 

So hold on, things could get rocky but its all for the good of my heart; you never know just might learn something.

I heart your heart.