One word, that word.

 

 

One word that takes my breath away that hurts my heart that cuts like a sword.

Rape.

Today that word came out of Vincent’s mouth. The world stopped and I still cannot breathe, literally, I cannot catch my breath. I threw up, and bent over not being able to breathe. I never used to even speak that word and avoided it at any cost. I have come a long way. Nevertheless, I heard it from my son, and I was shocked, I was hurt, I was ashamed. I don't even remember all the words he said. Mariska had thrown some old headless Barbies away and he found them when he was doing the trash, and made some comment about them being raped and he laughed. As soon as the words came out, I looked at him, he knew..., and he said I didn't mean too...but they were said and it was like daggers through my heart. He has no idea what the word means, or why I was so affected but he knew that it wasn't good. I sent him to his room and told him that I would talk to him in minute. I just calmly, heart pounding went to his room and told him not to use words that he didn't understand. That that word was something serious. And the tears started. And again, I said, DO NOT ever use that word, like that again. He said he was sorry, asked why I was crying, asked if I was ok. I didn't have any words.

That was over an hour ago and still I can't breathe, I had no idea that I would be so affected. Oh my heart hurts I wish that was not a needed word. I wish I wasn't so bothered, I wish that it didn't affect me but it did, such a little word such big meaning. I don't want my children to have to understand that word. In this moment I want to breathe easy, I want my heart to stop hurting, I want to forget. He doesn't know what that word means, and I don't want him too. The reality of that word what it means to me what it will mean to them...not an easy thing. I was not ready for how it came out of his mouth. So careless, so unthoughtful and I remind myself of his innocence he is ten and doesn't have a clue I was ten and knew all about it.

Such an ugly ugly word. I just want to crawl in bed and sleep it away....Just sleep rape away, today it hurts and its deep and painful and oozing.

I was caught so off guard and I make sure that doesn't happen often. And something big like this. I did not see it coming. I just had to lie down for a while, I was overwhelmed, and that is reality. I know that I have a lot to work on if I am this affected and it was nothing personal. I wasn't included, it wasn't about me, it was one single word that was said. I know sweet Vincent doesn't have a clue, I am afraid of them getting older. Asking questions, I am terrified. I am afraid they will hate me, think differently, and see me as a victim. I want them to know that I am ok. That I have made it. I hope my heart will calm down, I know the day is coming when they will understand, and that thought is terrifying.

I am so very sorry that this is something my children will have to know. I am so very sorry this word affects so many.

I heart you heart.