Meant To Be

After these last few weeks that were exceptionally hard I am trying to recover my heart, trying to remember to breathe to let my heart beat easy. I am carrying a lighter load then ever but still there are times its crushing and that was these last few weeks. As sure as I am trying; I know that these are the things that were Meant to be. I was meant to be a mom, I was meant to be a teacher and I was even meant to be here in Plano. And dare I say it, I think I just might belong at Gateway. And I can tell you without question that I don't understand any of this. I don't understand the hurt and the pain, I don't understand this crazy journey of mine at all.....but things will work out for the sheer fact that they have too.

For me to be a mom is one of the biggest gifts. Oh I love them more than my own life. If it wasn't for that day, I wouldn't have them, they wouldn't be Vincent and Mariska and that would be terribly sad. Oh they have the most amazing hearts and they are going to do great things. They love with all that they have. Their kindness to others, to the picked on, to the defenceless, to the smallest of the small is incredible. They are going to go way beyond anything that I have ever done and I get to guide them in this world. They know with out a doubt that I love them with my whole heart , I love them and will keep them safe and sound. I get frustrated because of the burdens that they have to bare but I have to hope and pray that we will always be open and that they will share their heart and I can be honest and true and let the love I have guide me to the answers to ease their heart. People say I could have made a different choice that many women would have but for me, this was one of those things in life that wasn't a choice. I was meant to be a mom, to be their mom and the three of us make quite a team. I understand that they long for a father, and they are making that very known lately, I hope that with time, a kind gentle man can come into their lives and be that strong support that they need. When that time comes I have to know that they will be safe and that this man won't harm them but will care for their heart and keep them safe like nothing I have known. Safety is big, where I had none. I worry about them at school, when they ride their bike, when they are not with me. I will not fail too notice and I have to trust that there are others in this world that will also notice and act. They are growing up, I can not believe that they are already 10 years old. They have questions about my life, that they are trying o understand. There are times there is a gentleness in them asking questions about my life, to have my life is one thing but for it to affect your children is something different. Somehow, someway this is all going to turn into something amazing.

To be a teacher. Oh being a teacher is in my bones. I am so alive when I am in the classroom. I do not understand why I do not have my own class yet, but I know that big things are coming; I know that because they have too. Even being in a Music class these next few weeks, with no lessons no materials no admin support I am making it work, and it has been amazing. I love greeting those little faces each class, and seeing them, and not just looking at them but I see them and that makes a difference. I may have some opportunities to speak that I would not have if I were already in a classroom. There are ways that my story can help, and I have to do that. To get to share my views as a victim and get others to understand their power and how they can help, that is important, that is life changing. To speak with Law Enforcement, and professionals who deal with people like me ALL THE TIME, letting them know how they can make a difference, that would be powerful and life changing. I am ready to stand on the mountaintop, and say my truth. My story comes into play ALL THE TIME, it just does and instead of counting that against me, maybe I need to start seeing it a little different. Maybe this year is my opportunity for that. I know that the perfect Job is out there for me, and I will keep sending my resume out, keep emailing, not caring if I am being a pest or not. I was meant to teach, I was meant to notice little hearts. The place where I can do the most good just hasn’t opened up for me yet. Please don't take that as I am waiting I will take almost anything while I am waiting but I know there is that perfect place where I fit where I will be at home. I admit that it has been discouraging going on interviews second interviews then hearing nothing. When I am ignored by administration But then I hear other teachers tell me that I am good, that I should be in the classroom, that the kids enjoy me as their teacher and I know that I have to listen to my heart on this one. I was meant to teach, I was meant to make a difference. And that is exactly where I am headed.

To be in Plano. This just might be the biggest gift that I have ever received, in about a week; it will have been a year since I moved here. I sometimes feel like a leech, as if I am not productive enough, not working hard enough, I worry that I am in the way. Nevertheless, I have to say, I have never felt more at home. You know that feeling when things are comfortable, when you are wanted when you are cared for, I have that in Plano. There isn't even a word for just how grateful that I am. My heart has been heard, my heart is usually listened too. I have room to heal here in the last year, and of coarse, there is more to do, but the fact that it was even possible is a blessing. There is lots of laughing, lots of shaking out heads, lots of rearranging, and so much love. Truman has Vincent and Mariska and they have him. Vincent and Mariska are going to a school that they love, where they fit right in, and are getting opportunities that I could never have imagined. I am cared for here, as I have never been cared for. I m supported like I have never known and its amazing. I worry that I am a bother and that comes from me, from what I have experienced in the past, but today, I have to sit in the fact that being taken care of is something that is ok for right now. I want to do it all on my own, more than you can imagine and the fact is that right now that isn't an option. I am doing all that I can and getting stronger and my day is coming. The people that I have met, the things that I have gotten to experience here have made life-changing differences for me, and that is something miraculous. Being here in Plano is my miracle. I hope that maybe in some small way I might be helping, giving back oh how I hope.

And then there is Gateway. I don't know for sure, if this is where I am supposed to be but then at the same time I do. People said oh just go try different churches, check them out. That just is not me. I have stepped out of the box many times over this past year. I have gotten way out of my comfort zone and grown a lot. However, there are still areas that I guard my heart with walls and barbed wire. And Church is one of those things. Church is complicated for me, and it’s tangled in so much of how I grew up. I have done lots of unraveling to a place where I believe in God with my whole heart but there is lot of unraveling left to do. I had the chance to speak with Pastor Blake this week and he is kind, and caring and all the things that I am looking for. He called my children precious and that meant the world. He shares from his heart and is genuine. He does not pretend to know all the answers but will show you how to make sense out of the senseless. I am not ready to call this place my home yet. It is not like when I went to the corners but I a not in the same place either; I need different things now than I did then. I want so much for this church to understand my questions and know that I am going to need a lot of patience and tons of kindness. My doubt is not that I don't believe my doubt is that ...well that is it I don't even know. I want to have faith and believe and maybe jut maybe this is a place where it can grow and flourish. There was so much to say in my meeting with him and I am sure I sounded crazy. I was nervous and wanted to run, but I did not. My children fit there and that is important. We all know that I am not the joiner and that this is more than difficult for me, I am terrified and even going this morning, I am terrified. But I need to find out if this is my home, and exactly where I am meant to be. All these things are the hope that things are getting better, that things happen for a reason and that I will be ok, truly truly.

I heart your heart.