Fine

 

So I found this poem that I had written in my art journals.  Its not mine, and I think it was written by some guy named Stevie Smith. Anyway here it is. It made me cry and I haven't been doing a lot of that lately. SHOCKER, I know.

Nobody heard him, The dead man

But still he lay moaning.

I was much further out than you thought, and

not waving but drowning.

I was much too far out all my life,

And not waving but drowning.

Yes that right there, that is pretty powerful. I always say fine. If you ask how I am I say I am fine. Whether I am or not, that is my response, I have learned from experience people don't really want to hear if you are good or not. They may ask but people genuinely do not want to hear the answer. Sure not a problem that is fine. Ha get it that’s fine only its not really fine at all. And probably about as far from fine as it gets. Well at least for me. I say fine because nine times out of ten there is absolutely nothing that you can do my heart hurts and I just have to deal with it, I just need patience and time. But on that tenth time when I am not ok, those are the big ones because if you can see with your own eyes that fine really isn't what is happening then its time for back up. I say fine because how can I explain the things that are happening in my heart. I can't, so I say that I am fine. Do not take my fine to mean that everything is fine and I don't need a thing. People think I am waving, I promise that I am not. People do that all the time in the world. They ask in passing not caring to find out and that’s ok we can't be everyone’s best friend, something I heard that I will never ever forget. We do it as a courtesy, for something to say, and as a courtesy for something to say I say fine and smile. We all do it. For some things are not so fine and are crumbling inside.

With the job in Plainview and not understanding what I was supposed to do and what the right answers are, I got a lot of people telling me that I was fine, that I would be fine that things were fine and it was more than frustrating. BECAUSE That is the problem, I am always fine even in those moments when I am not. I know its confusing and frustrating believe me I live it. But I was getting so frustrated , I was voicing my concerns and the things that I was worried about and because I am always fine, their answer was oh "you will do fine there". And I would, I would be fine, I would love my job and my class of kids and I would do an amazing job but my heart would not have been so fine there, for that I know for sure. Such a bind sure I would be fine, I would survive, but there would be no room to thrive.

SO my entire life, I just did what I had to do I survived everything. And sure I paid the price, but personally, my heart paid the price and I don't want to pay that price anymore because its taking its toll. I am really good a lot of the time but there are days that I am not and I can't keep pretending that I am fine. I have survived everything but its time to move from surviving to thriving. I want to be be not just fine, I want to be good even great and I want to thrive and enjoy and grow in the good things. And I am doing that, I truly am, but there are rough days really rough days and I am working on it all and doing life the best way that I know how.

Survive to thrive. Survive to thrive. YES !! This.

Yes, that is exactly what I want. And its true those are the things that I am going to have to keep working on, because I can tell you it takes a whole heck of a lot of work, pain, tears guts strength and courage to be able to do that. And I do it every single day. Some days better than others but I DO IT. Sometime its not pretty not fun, but I keep going and maybe I need to give myself a little slack, just a little, When you see fine, I am shaking in my bones. So if I wave; wave say hello, and walk the other way but don't assume that I am fine, I am just waving.