Hard to believe that it has been 11 years since that day. Some days it seems so very far away some days it feels like it was yesterday. And the times when Vincent starts asking questions makes it feel like one of the biggest mountains that I will ever have to face. My sweet Vincent and Mariska turned 10 this year and I can not believe it. They are growing into these amazing humans that I am sure are going to do great things. And with all that I am I wish that I could just cut this day out of every book every story every truth and have it be something that they never have to understand. They are getting older and I am sure the time is coming, this year when they are going to need answers. They are going to need an explanation, they are going to have to know and I will make it age appropriate. I will only answer what they ask, and each question will break my heart for theirs. I am incredibly sorry that this is something that they even have to think about worry about and deal with. I want them to understand just how important that they are and regardless of what happened to me, I was joyous when I found out that I was going to be their mom. I smiled through the entire pregnancy including the morning sickness morning , noon and night. Including being so huge I couldn’t walk around the grocery store. I cried at the thought of getting to be their mom and keep them safe and protected all the days of their lives. I would listen to the heart monitor and smile listening to those little hearts beat away. I read to them and talked to them all the time every day. Mariska would be awake every morning around 3 am and I would fix the pillow and pat my huge belly talking to her , telling her how excited that I was to meet her, and tell her all the things that I wanted for her. Vincent loved when I would take a bath, he moved all over the place , it was more than a little crowded in there and I can remember a few times seeing his little legs travel from one side of my belly to the other and I thought it was the coolest most amazing thing I had ever seen. Those are the things that I want my children to remember those are the stories that I want to tell them about and remember when we talk about that time. But there is also a time to tell the truth, and for them I know that time is coming. I don’t know how its going to go yet. I don’t know how the words are going to form and even come out of my mouth. How does a mother that loves her children more than life tell them how they were conceived ? How does a mother whose children made her the person that she is today tell them that she was raped? And I DO NOT HAVE A CLUE. I do not know how those words are going to leave my lips and I am beyond terrified. Sometimes in my head I think about the love story that I would like to share with them, I think of others who are parents and the love story that they have and for me its nothing even close to those and it makes me sad. I want that kind of story for them, I want them to have that story in their head, and its not an option. I can be honest, show them my heart and pray that they can know and understand the love that I have had for them since the moment I found out I was pregnant. I don’t think any amount of preparation will ever be enough. Nothing can possibly get a person ready for this kind of truth. For me having to speak it and them having to hear it and understand it, is something unimaginable. I think for them its going to be a lifelong process as they understand more, as their questions change, as they mature and want to understand. Its going to be a life long process for the three of us, but I hope and pray that I can help their hearts understand how loved and how amazing that they truly are. I want their little hearts to know that I am fine and am more than grateful for the gift that I received by getting to be their mom. But the questions are coming. Vincent heard someone talking about height and how you take the moms and the dads height and you can figure out the child's height. Vincent got quiet and later asked “Well mom, I don’t have a dad how will we figure out my height ?” And literally it broke my heart, I told him that I am sure he would be taller then me, look how tall that he already was. The answer fit for the moment and he is so unaware of the seriousness of the things that he asks. They have had the puberty talk and how that all works. Next will come the sex talk and pieces will begin to come together and I am scared. I just want them to understand, I want to do it right and in a way that protects their little hearts s much as I possibly can. The most difficult part is knowing that hurt is going to be involved. The feeling little hearts that they have are going to hurt and I think that’s the worst part, the part that I dread the most and I just have to be strong to handle that and help with whatever their heart might need. I am afraid and hope that at the right time I will have not the right answers but the gentle answers to help them understand. 
My heart on the other hand is something different. My heart is still sad and confused and scared and wants to understand why WHY? WHY WHY ? I still beat myself up about that day. All the things that I should have known. All the red flags and still the need to be normal do normal things was so overwhelming that I turned my senses off. I never even really talked about him until maybe 4 years ago. And something came up about Charles and I can see it as clear as anything…..He said “did he rape you” and I didn’t know how to answer. I had been raped since I was 5, I should be able to answer that and I couldn’t. I couldn’t acknowledge it. I knew what happened and I couldn’t answer the question. In my head I was a slut that I asked for it. Because I wanted to be normal go out to lunch help him shop for his up coming trip. Was I raped ? Yes, Charles raped me, but In my head I was a slut, I should have known that he had no intention of going shopping. He knew what he was going to do when he showed up at my door. My pleas and asking him to stop didn’t matter because I should have seen it coming, I should have known and I didn’t and I was the one that ended up hurt. Before that day in that room I never acknowledged it was rape for a single second. In my head I was a slut and he just didn’t listen when I kept saying over and over but we are supposed to go shopping ? Please stop, we are supposed to go shopping. And since I had the life that I did, when the pillow fell on my face, the panic set in and I knew he was going to get what he wanted and I went away. I went away in my head and waited for him to be done. There was no violence, and I say that and cringe, he didn’t listen to me, I said no, told him to stop and he didn’t listen. I wanted so much to be normal, just be a part of something regular normal everyday and once again look where it got me. He was done and got dressed, I remember him putting his sandals back on, and he walked to the door. I put my shirt on and walked to the door and he made some comment about his beautiful shiny BMW, I was a wreck. He left drove away and I cried myself to sleep in my bed. I couldn’t understand, I didn’t want this to happen I wanted to be regular to be normal to do regular things like lunch and shopping…..Nothing in my mind included rape …..I was so naive so very very naive and I should have known. This is the part that breaks my own heart that I wanted to fit in and be so normal that I shut off everything I knew and I paid the price. People have made the most awful comments and made the things I tell myself stick. Like the counselor who said well you made the bed now lie in it, the guy that my mom knew at the bank who made the comment that I should have kept my legs closed, and he was a preacher in a church. The Dr who was amazing when I told him the date that I got pregnant, he thought I was crazy that I couldn’t have known the date. I never told him why or that it was a date that I would never be able to forget. I had someone tell me that I got pregnant on purpose, that was crushing. My heart is just so heavy because it doesn’t just affect me, its my children, the pieces of my heart that are out living in the world have to understand this. This is a rape that affects everything for ever and I hate that. And as much as I hate it there is nothing I can do about it. I do not know what I am going to do this month on that date. Its next week and I am scared. If I have a job by then I will be decorating my room and celebrating, taking that quiet moment trying to be ok. If I don’t yet have a job I will just try to be in the moment and take each second as it comes. I am going to try and give my heart some breathing room, maybe let someone know that I don’t want to be alone, pretend that I am fine. The day is next week and my heart is heavy, my head hurts. On the day next week I will celebrate my children and be grateful. I have pretended a really long time that everything is ok, and today its not ok its just not. My heart Its breaking, its broken its in pieces and tomorrow I will be ok, the day after I will be ok. But the day that it happened that I wasn’t listened to that I was ignored that I was raped all those 11 years ago I am sad, so very sad and also so very grateful that I got the most amazing precious gift. My children.
I heart your heart.
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