You don't know what you don't know Callahan.

 

 

 

 

So little Callahan , I am really not sure where to start . I keep you so far away and I know that you are just dying to be loved, to be noticed to be cared for and that scares me so very much. I don’t know how to love you and your hurt little heart. I am more than sorry for all the things that you have had to experience. For the things that you have had to live through , no little girl should know those things. I am so so so sorry, that you were not kept safe that you were not special that you were hated so much, even by me and not one person stepped up to take care of you. You were so little and I wanted you to be bigger to fight to make them stop. I wanted you to be innocent and not know what he wanted you to do, I know somewhere along the way he taught you what was expected, but you just wanted people to be happy, you just wanted him to be done so you could clean up and try to be ok. With Bob I wanted you to say something, I wanted you to hate him as much as I do. I can’t even explain how very sorry that I am you never got to be a little girl do little girl things, have little girl dreams you always had to think and predict what was coming next. You were so brave, so strong, and I fear that loving you I am not brave enough or strong enough to feel the things that you had to experience. You are this sad damaged little soul that is in pieces, that I see crying in the corner and its terrifying. There have been times that I have let you even a little close and it was more than difficult, your so hurt, are so sad and I fear that its too much for me to bare. The thing I hate the most being alone is exactly what you are, I don’t want to do that to you. That is what has been done your entire life……I don’t know how to love that little you, care for you give you what you need, you need oh so much. Your little heart is so tired, I know that, Your so helpless, so vulnerable and I want you to be so much older than you are , I want you to think things through as a woman not a little girl. I am scared to feel for you that it would shatter my already broken heart. I am not sure that I can handle the pain and sadness that you carry, and at the same time I know that you shouldn’t have to do it alone. I don’t understand you I don’t understand how strong that you were that you did everything he wanted and I know there were nights that were exceptionally bad but you always made it you survived, you cleaned up and not once did that spirit in you go away. You always had a kindness that was unbelievable to others to animals even to the people that were so terrible to you. Oh you would try so hard to make him happy you hated what he was doing but if that was what it was going to take to make him love you …..for that I am so sorry so sorry that you didn’t have a kind gentle dad that cared for your precious heart…..You fought in your little mind, you did what you could. You were so tired all the time, trying to sleep on top of the covers thinking that maybe if the bed was perfect then he wouldn’t hurt you. You were so excited picking out a shirt, it was a game to him. You were older, picking out those shirts, he made you hate yourself, your body your girlness. He made you hate being a girl . I am sorry that he hurt your heart I am sorry that he hurt your little body, that he didn’t care that you were just a little girl. I am so sorry. I am really and honestly going to try not to hate you. I know that you were 5 so little and I wanted you to fight to make him stop, to go away. You told mom in the car once that you wished it was just you and her after dropping him off at the airport and she smiled and said we were a family. I don’t understand all the things that have happened to us, I don’t understand why life has been so hard, why so many people have looked the other way. And I am sorry that I have done the same things to you that I hate in others, ignoring blaming, hating I just don’t know how to love you, I don’t have a clue, and I am scared that I today at 39 won’t be able to handle it, that I won’t be able to keep everything together that I won’t be able to keep smiling. And all of that from your own father that doesn’t even include Albert the monster that he was. I am sorry that you were so afraid that very first time. I am sorry that no one asked you why you were crying or if you needed anything. That kills me. You were so afraid, you couldn’t believe that someone else was hurting you. You were wearing that little sun dress, bare feet and all you wanted was to be a carefree little kid. You have always felt different as long as I can remember. You never belonged anywhere, you weren’t wanted, you were a bother to people and took attention from others that they didn’t want to give. So each hurt took a little more of your heart, crushed your soul a little more and you kept living. The rapes run into each other they were all the same time after time. The ones that stand out are the ones that were more violent. The ones when you couldn’t stop the tears and tried to push him away asking them to stop. The time with Albert driving in the van and he said that you should like this and you just stared out the window, hoping that he would be done soon. He said that you should like it, I understand that you didn’t that it hurt you. I am sorry you were sent with him sorry you had to be in that front seat. At the park, I am sorry that he killed your tadpoles, said such terrible things to you. I am sorry that he was never nice, never kind. It wasn’t your fault you couldn’t save them. I am sorry for the looks you got by him in church that somehow you were the one doing something wrong, you weren’t. I want to love you all that you have lived through all that you survived and I am so scared. Because I understand what they were doing I understand the evilness of what was happening and loving you brings the reality of the abuse and the rapes and all the assaults staring me right in the face and I am beyond terrified. I think its easier to hate you then I don’t have to confront reality. If it happened to you over there all by yourself, I can be sorry but I don’t have to feel it acknowledge that it was me, that I survived those things….

You know it just hurts, someone doing that to a little girl, I was so little what does a person get from that…raping a five year old, her body wasn’t made for that, her wobbly legs, her tiny hips its unthinkable its unreal how did you survive that. How did you pretend that everything was ok ? I don’t know how a little girl survives all that happened…..I don’t know …that life was hell…scared and alone all the time no one helped no one cared….

And the second that you try to be normal, you dance in front of all those people, you had an innocence you wanted someone to be kind to notice you and they did and you paid the price. You weren’t even old enough to be there…..I know that you just wanted to fit in…just wanted to be noticed but that got us hurt, things happened that I don’t even have words for, things happened that I can never unsee and if you weren’t showing off…..You knew what men were capable of why in the world did you want to be noticed ? Don all of them that is unimaginable….I am so very sorry….there are not enough sorryies for the things that you had to endure, and again you did it all you kept breathing, kept going to school you kept going and all I want to do is scream at the world to stop. I don’t know how you kept going, I know you were sad and affected , you were screaming inside for someone to notice. You scratched up your arms, bruised up your legs you tried to eat yourself ugly no one did a thing….then you couldn’t keep things quiet and you still were not believed because you always just handled everything. This was your life there was an acceptance, and you stopped fighting, I understand why you stopped fighting, but I hate you for not fighting, for not doing things different. The last time that Don came you just laid down….I understand you were scared, that you still hurt from the last time….you didn’t even try…..you gave up I hate you for that. You were this used abused wounded thing that just gave up….Bella gave you hope, she kept you going. You lived in this world where everything was going to be perfect, you were going to be a mom, make everything better. I don’t hate you for loosing her, I think you saved her from my father. I wish that we remembered more , things are so sketchy, who was at the hospital, who knew, blah blah all I remember is screaming at the Dr, at his words. His hand on my leg he said I am sorry you lost her and I didn’t want to live anymore. You were such a little girl how in the world were you supposed to handle that understand everything that it meant. There was no way, but I don’t understand why you don’t remember certain pieces. Now that you were older you had more understanding of what was going on what was happening and that frustrates me, because you still didn’t stand up for yourself. By then you were just a shell, a walking zombie, you came alive with whales again but so much damage had been done, you had been left so long….. I have looked at you some through the years and it makes me sad, you should have had things so different. I don’t know how to look at you and not see what was happening what you did, I just don’t know how And I am stuck between wishing things were different and knowing that nothing in this world I can do will give you all that you never had. You lost out on so many many things. You missed love and kindness and I give that all away today until I don’t have any left but I can’t ever give you enough for all that has happened. And we press charges trying to keep others safe, I know that testifying was unimaginable, and people pretended it was all over, it wasn’t even close. By the time that Charles got to you , you just wanted normal just like when you were 13, didn‘t you learn anything ? You just wanted to go shopping, inside there was nothing left. I know when that pillow fell on your face , it was all over. You were so far away He was going to get what he wanted…….and the yelling screaming in your head …..what …again….this is just what we are meant for….You talked to him on the internet, told him you would go shopping with him. So many red flags that you didn’t notice, why ? The words he said, how he talked why didn’t you know ??? You are smarter then that You knew what to do shut off your mind and go away. I know the exact moment when you went away. I know the words you said in your head I wonder if they were even heard. Then there is silence, there is a state when you have to accept what is happening and I hate that part, because there is absolutely nothing that you can do. Your heart was more than hurt no one noticing no one listening and in the end it was always your fault, people told you that over and over and you believed it, I believe there are times you were at fault and I am sorry. I am more than sorry, You have a few really good people around that aren’t running and who are here to help, we just have to let them and after all that’s been done that’s hard I know and I am more than sorry. SO VERY SORRY I am going to try, try to love you, try to see you as the little one that you were try not to see what was done but see you, just you. Its just beyond hard. I don’t understand you at all. I am sorry your heart hurts , I am praying for a miracle for us. 

 

I heart your heart.