It's not fair

 

 

You know it just isn't fair.  I am not that kind of person I am not one to say why me in fact its usually the opposite most of the time but today the only thing that fits, the only words that I can find right now is : LIFE IS NOT FAIR. Its not right that today hurts so much. Its not right that my joy as a child was taken Its not right that I have to tell them why there is no father. It is not fair that I have been used since the time that I was five it is not fair that my children don't have a father.  Its not fair that the only people who love me are far away its not fair, that I don't have people to hold my hand through the pain.  Its not fair that I  can't get a peaceful sleep, its not fair that I was hurt over and over and over. Its not fair that I see the pictures of what happened to me over and over and that's when my eyes are open.  Its not fair that I feel what happened to me in my bones.  Its not fair that sometimes I can't take a shower because of the flashbacks.  Its not fair that I have to hurt like this. Its not fair that I don't know what its like to be normal.  Its not fair, the life that I have been dealt is not fair and it hurts, it hurts like hell.  Its not fair that I am so on my own, that people don't stay around that people can't handle the life that I have to live every single day.  ITS NOT FAIR. ITS just not.  Its not fair that my children are going to have to find out what happened to me its not fair that their little hearts are going to have to deal with that.  Its not fair ....this life of mine.....Its just not fair!  My heart is so hurt and I have healed and will keep healing and I am grateful for the people that have walked with me along the way, but this hurts.  There is no hurt like this, its inexplainable really, there are no words no sounds its a haunting screech if it had a sound.  And this crazy thing called life, I love it.  I love hearing people laugh, I love how people love. I love the innocence of children and how they experience the world.  I love giving and I love nature, and the trees and the whales and with all that my life it's still not fair.  My heart has been treated unfairly my whole entire life and ITS NOT RIGHT ITS NOT FAIR.....there are no words to make it better, no band-aid that is big enough ......its not fair that I have to do life on my own....Its not fair that people don't know what to do with me so they do nothing at all....Its not fair that I am such an outcast and always have been.  It's not fair that i have to fight, have to fight for everything.  And you want people to be happy but sometimes it seems that everyone's life is moving forward and you would just like someone to sit with you in yours; even if its for a few minutes.  I just don't want to do this alone, I need people to hear me and to understand and to make a difference.  My life just isn't at all fair.....And this is so not me, I don't sit around saying oh poor me life isn't fair but today that is all I have.  I am so grateful for the things I have and I am sad how I have been treated in this lifetime, I am sad that no one sees no one notices and I am left.  I am one of those people, for whatever reason was chosen for this life here and no and no matter how I look at it, its not fair for anyone person to carry all of this burden.  I am sure that I will keep fighting, I am sure I will keep trying, I am sure I will keep healing.  But None of it IS FAIR....... , I want to curl up and make it go away, the sadness is too much I don't want to fight anymore  Tomorrow will be better and I will be back to fighting but not today