On God.....between a rock and a hard place and needing a soft place to fall ?

You know God and I have never had a Good relationship.  I have kind of pictured him sitting in a chair next to me and we keep bumping elbows, kinda like we are playfully fighting for the arm rest, that's the picture that I have in my head .  I mean I prayed to God to die when I was 5 and that didn't happen and I had to live in hell so I decided ....there is no god. No one can help or keep me safe.  I grew up in a church that was not nice and I was; I guess you could say I was the black sheep of the congregation.  I had too many questions.  They wanted me to believe every word that was said with out question. But I had questions lots of them and no one would help me understand.  My experiences in life were not lining up with the things that they were talking about.  I didn't have kindness, there were not people watching over me.  You know I have heard people talk about having a feeling when they were little and knowing that God was there with them and for me I never ever had that.  From my earliest memories, church was a group of hypocrites that I wanted NOTHING to do with.  I would see the people that raped me receiving communion and staring at me like I was the one doing something wrong. Something felt completely wrong.  I knew something was not right, and I was not going to have anything to do with people like that.

 

One picture I have in my head is my neighbor Albert. He was walking by the alter and he was holding his little brother, and getting communion and there were oh so many thoughts in my head, I was scared, I was angry, I was confused. I can remember every detail of him walking to get communion and I followed his every move. I felt very small and saw those around me as giants. I can remember sitting there seeing him and thinking; all of these people are crazy. Each and every one of them!  All of these people are talking about God and what he means and what we are supposed to do and then there are the things that Albert is doing to me and no one seems to care. I remember wanting to steel his baby brother out of his arms to keep him safe.  I am not sure if it was a conscience choice at that age but, I wanted nothing to do with that God; that God that everyone talked about in that church.

So I grew up alone.  Carrying the world on my shoulders, dealing with life in the ways that I knew how. I was just trying to survive day to day to day.  I was always stuck between a rock and a hard place.  When you are that little with so many terrible things going on some decisions are not good ones but they keep you alive. Being stuck in that place becomes normal.

I know looking back that there were things I survived because of God, and as for his purpose I don't have a clue right now and there are days that I still get REALLY REALLY angry, but with out a doubt I can say I know there were times, that I felt I was not alone.  For me I feel like I only feel god when things hit rock bottom for me. Sorry I take that back because there was a short time that I felt him in my everyday.  There was a time when it was completely amazing, and I felt different, I felt lighter.  And I know the church is just a building, but in the building that I called my church home I felt for once that I wasn't on my own. There were kind caring people and I didn't just fade into the background. I  was able to heal and grow and change during that time. I would cry because of the incredible love and caring that I felt, and I know that is big because I am not an easy person to love and care for. And slowly people were being taken away, things were changing from week to week.  And I felt all those amazing things that I experienced for that time slipping away. As quickly as I fit in that place it became something where I didn't fit.  In many ways it felt like the pull of a bungee Cord.  I started out at the top and ended up way at the bottom with all the bungee in between.

Right now, these last few months I have not felt God. I have been making the right decisions for myself and  my children, and doing whats right.  And I keep asking Am I doing something wrong ? I must be because things are just crazy everywhere I turn. People keep telling me no, you are not doing anything wrong.   You are not doing anything wrong they say but I have to be because I am praying, I am begging for help and its just not happening. The situation, living with my mother I have not felt God.  Financial aide being denied I have not felt God. Having enough money to provide for my children. In my heart I have not felt God.  I have prayed and prayed for some kind of solution, anything to help relieve the longing, the sadness, the stress.  Nothing. Nothing.  I have begged God, ,I mean on my knees ugly cry begged.. then I prayed some more, I meditated, I cried I pleaded and nothing.  Silence. I have prayed and bargained for anything to be able to change my children's circumstances.  I thought about moving to Boston , living in a shelter for single moms,  oh there were many many thoughts! I was grasping for some kind of relief , anything to help me not be so on my own because exhaustion at the entire situation is a daily struggle.  And its not all awful there are moments where I am so very grateful but something is always missing, something just isn't there.  I see God at times in those around me, and think those are just amazingly awesome fabulous people , those are things that happen to others.  Because they have faith and they believe in God with their whole hearts.  Me I believe in God, he is in my bones but not like they do. I don't trust that everything will be taken care of.  People say things about God and him being there, and taking care of me and it makes me want to scream, punch a wall, turn green and Vomit. Sorry not pretty but that's my thinking. People tell me to pray and I get so frustrated, I have prayed and prayed and nothing changes for me. I watch as lives are changed  and prayers are answered, some are not all around me and I sit in my ugly cry ....alone...and hear nothing but silence.  I am sure that I must be doing something wrong in this world.......I MUST be........ And I am loosing hope..

 

Then I get a message from a woman that is asking how much my financial aide would be to finish my schooling. And that she would be honored to repay the blessing since she was raised by a single mom who was going to school when she was in elementary and middle school.  I cried, I was not sure what she was asking.  She knows many people and I thought she would know of someone or someplace that might help. It was that she thought of me was so very important.  I had no clue this would be the start of a new time, a new hope a new life for me.  I gave her the details and she asked for my address.  I had so many questions, and the Whys were out of control , I mean who am I for someone to help ?

Then Monday morning...I stood in the shower my hands to God asking please help me, there is nothing left of me.  I am tired of fighting.  Tired of feeling less than and I CAN NOT do this anymore, something has got to give.  I am not OK, I will keep fighting for my children but there is nothing left of me to give.  And that Morning I get a call from Kelly with NFED and says that we are next on the list and some people are not able to make it to the conference and that if we are still able to attend we will have our registration and hotel taken care of.  Oh and the ugly cry again.  I feel so amazingly blessed.  And I hear Kelly on the phone and she is glad they are able to help and says I guess that means you can make it.  Oh the kindness in her voice, I needed that more than breathing today.  And she says, when one door closes another one opens and So I am going to get to be with other parents whose kids have the same disorder as Mariska. I will hopefully have some questions answered. And Mariska is going to get to see other children that are just like her.  Vincent with meet other siblings just like him. If that is not a blessing, I do not know what is.

THEN TUESDAY MORNING....
I couldn't sleep as usual and was up early, writing, crying trying to figure out the next year .  Mariska slept until after 10 am.  Vincent slept until almost 11:30 am.  It was a hang out morning, and I went to get the mail.  And I see this little note.  And inside a card saying :

   Please don't give up hope. God is good all the time even when its hard to see or feel him. Keep pressing forward for the kingdom and for your children.  I love you......

And there is a check that will pay for my student teaching and books and everything.

Yes...Let that sink in a check to cover the rest of my schooling.  A check to cover my dreams, A check that allowed so many things to come true.  I will FOREVER look to this day with a grateful heart and I am sure we will stand in my classroom and I will hold her tight and be so very thankful that she saw my dream when I was so very close to loosing hope.

Today is a new start, a new leaf,  And I read her note over and over and those are all the things I have been writing these last few days.  that I haven't felt God. That I don't see him in my life.  And there are the words I have needed. Don't give up Hope, God is good all the time,

My heart is completely overwhelmed by the events these last few days, but I feel as if I am falling , I am finding my soft place to fall and maybe all my prayers and desires, and longings were heard and were waiting on the right time. 

Today I see things I have never been able to see, I see that I am between a rock and a hard place because I don't allow myself to feel that soft place.  I don't allow myself to trust, I fear EVERYTHING....Today I trust.  My heart was heard, prayers were answered.  Today I found a soft place to fall.  My forever grateful heart is exploding with LOVE.  . I feel God. Today is a miracle.

Completly Honest and True.

I really love Angela Shelton she is strong and beautiful and Courageous and a list of many other amazing things that make her a hero.  And I recently watched a video that she created of her giving a speech at a college campus and it hit, it hit me really hard and I realized the problem.  People don't talk about abuse, they are scared and don't want to hear and are afraid to deal with it.  I understand the fear and the disgust with what the world can do to other humans.  But at the same time I have a deep personal understanding.  Do I shut up and quietly deal with what has happened ?  Do I scream from the rooftops saying we can't let this happen ?  DO I quietly cry myself to sleep every night ?  Do I reach out asking for someone to listen to part of my story and hold my hands as I cry ?  Do I write  hiding behind the words hoping someone will comment and understand my heart ?  I just don't know what is the balance.  But I have to try.  If I keep my past in my heart it will kill me and there are too many things that I have yet to accomplish.  My hair falls out.  I have ulcers.  I have had chest pains.  And I just can't keep quiet, I can't pretend that all is well and I am fine.  So I apologize, I am sorry my story is hard , there are so many things that I want others to understand, so many things I want people to see. So much that I have inside to show people.

Many people that have read my story know that I did not grow up having a happy healthy childhood.  Things were really rough and violent and there was more abuse than any one person should have to survive.  The problem is that its hard for people to understand to comprehend to get their heads around and I can honestly say I get that.  There are days I still can't get my head around my life and I lived it.  When you grow up the way that I did, my past and the things that have happened in my life are such a part of who I am from how I deal with my children, to my love for whales, to how I eat .....literally I think the list could go on forever and include each and every aspect of my life.  I have always said one rape well wow i could have handled that, not that makes it any better for me, but one rape would have been a blessing. If there was just my father or just the neighbor, or Just Don and them.  If just one of those sets of things happened then I would be fine.    My life the one I live every day I hold what has happened to me and I have to let more things go, I have cried oceans but honestly the more I grow the more I experience there are still pieces there that need a little work.  I fear the words Dwelling and, stuck, even wallowing. Wallowing now that is one ugly word.

I heard this song and I was like Oh MY God do people see me like this ?  Do they think I am wallowing in my past ?  Do they think I am holding on to it because I like it ? What do they think ?  Because honestly most people don't stay around very long.  Here is the song.....

 And I listen to this song aver and over and I think OK I have to forget my life and be on the same page with everyone else and the truth......Well I don't think that I can do that. I am like you in so many ways but there are big things that make me see the world so very differently. I can't pretend that my heart doesn't hurt some days.  I know how long ago things were but you have to understand I never got the basics of life.  I never got kind and caring.  I was not listened to, I was not heard and I was left to make it on my own and that I have done.  A friend of mine wrote a letter for me and he said
    
  I'm writing this letter on her behalf because of how hard she has worked and because of the depth of the hole she chose to climb out of,"

  WOW who me ?   And here comes another ocean.  Is that me, do such words fit me ?  And dare I say , I am thinking maybe they do, Just maybe.

The more that I have thought, the more that I have written, I am not wallowing I am just trying to find my place and trying to understand this rocky winding road that has been my life.  A friend used to say well not to toot my own horn or anything and today I think not to toot my own horn or anything BUT you know what I HAVE come a really really long way, I have crawled out of a deep dark place and that is something amazing.

I don't understand why people can't love me and the person that I am, I don't understand why I am often ignored and not included, am I scary ?  Do you think I will rub off ?  Am I too serious ?  I just don't have answers and  I say I can't be someone that I am not.  I am sorry maybe I share to much and that's why, I just don't know.  I think well maybe its because I am wallowing ?  I mean that has got to be why ?  Right ?  But I don't think that's it.......I don't have normal life stories to share.....I don't have kid stories about siblings being crazy, or stories about long time friends, or proms, or college days or any of that....In a way life is kind of new for me and that scares people. I don't have family to turn to, I don't have people to call my people.  People have friends, people have family....But ME nope there is me and my children.  I could count the people that I could call on with a few fingers.  And they mean the world but I can not expect them to be there all the time.  People have these experiences their entire life of friends and family and honestly I am just beginning and I am sorry for that.  I think that's why I love the classroom I can create amazing fun stories for the children to add to their own story.  And for me though the last chapters was dark and scary;  These next few volumes will be full of many new stories and new beginnings and new experiences. I just need people to be a part of my story.  I don't want my story to be lonely I want it to be full of people , all different people, weird ones strange ones, funny ones serious ones, all kinds.   I can't even imagine honestly all that these next volumes will hold for me.  But I know that those dark volumes are still a part of me and even though that chapter is closed there are days I am affected a little and days I am affected a whole lot.  I share my stories because there is so much to share.  My stories are different but they are what I have.   I am not wallowing or dwelling I am just trying to find my way.  To my people that read this thank you for taking the time.  I don't want people to ignore and stay away I need people to speak ask questions and when in doubt just LOVE me. I love more than you can imagine and care so much for each heart on my journey. So I say again

I heart your heart my friends and I Do so true .

Its all there black and white clear as crystal ? RIGHT ?

Wrong very wrong. Nothing is only black and white and NOTHING is clear as crystal....clear as mud is much more like it.  For school they said that I have not met Satisfactory Academic Progress, saying that I have exceeded the number of hours that it should take someone to finish school.  So with that I have to write a  letter to appeal their decision and help them understand why it has taken me so long.  With that there are so many questions, so many parts and pieces to explain. Part of me wants to scream and is so very angry with them for not seeing how very hard that I have worked, for seeing that I made a B in my math class and I passed Algebra after oh so many tries.  Another part of me wants to cry and beg them , make them understand just how bad that I need this, how hard things have been and that I have never given up .  I want them to understand that I am not a bum, a looser, a mooch or any of those things. Even when things were at their worst ,  I always kept going knowing that this is what I wanted to do.  In the beginning at UNT there were days I would see attorney's during the day and be there for my classes at night. I would meet with the DA retelling my story over and over to different attorneys , I would tour the courthouse, I sat in the court room where my case would be heard and still I kept going.  And who did I have ?  I had my detective, he was more than amazing and listened and answered every terrified call calming my fears.  Even when there were no answers , he never failed to respond.  With all of that I kept going. 

Then finding out about Angela and going to Boston several times to testify for her.  Who did I have? I had Sam,  The attorney that was representing Angela.  He was so very kind and he was there. He was so caring and gentle with my heart.  And my amazing friend Cheryl who flew to Boston with me, made me laugh .  My nightmares woke her from a deep sleep and she laughed with me in the morning .  I could go on and on about the few people that were there and I think really isn't it black and white that I need this money to finish school ?  Isn't it clear as crystal that I NEED people around me, people that are going to stay, people that are going to do what they say they are going to ?   These are the two things that I just don't understand.

I am writing a letter to financial Aide trying to make them understand that I am not a slacker, that I am not useless.   And with friends I think I am in the same boat. People are telling me oh we will get together, oh we will have lunch , I will call you, oh I love you and then nothing.  Nothing. Nothing.  No response. Just Silence.We'll pray for you, we'll be there to help and honestly its making me angry, I need prayers yes, but I need someone there to hold my hand, I need someone there to be, just be. And maybe I should not take it personally but I do.  Because the common factor is me. Even the smallest response means more than you could even imagine, just an acknowledgement.     

Just like with financial aide, I am not making the right kind of progress and in my life with friends I am not progressing as fast as I should, I don't understand things the way they do, I don't share so many things,  so I am pushed to the side. Just facts people.  Just the way that it is. I can count on one hand the people that stick around and I am beyond grateful.

So I am saying I know that I need a lot a whole lot and I am so very sorry, but if you would just be willing to stay you might see some amazing things, and things will be clear. If you could just help with this Aide for the upcoming semester you would see the great things that would come from it.  The detectives come and go, but how they cared in the situation meant more than you can ever imagine.  Whether it was Det. Plemons, or Sam Schoenfeld, Or even the detectives from where my father lives, I felt like they had an understanding of where I was going and what I could do. I want to get that through to people in my life and the people at school, that I have come a really long way and I will continue to do so, I just need time.  Gentle precious time. I feel like I have to apologize all the time for the life that I have had, because as good as it gets its a part of me, its not all of me but its there.  And there are times that it is going to come up.  My past makes people uncomfortable and I hate that, if I could make it go away make it different I would.  If I could have finished school like a normal teenager I sure would have.  I was not dealt normal life cards and I am doing what I can. I am doing all I possibly can. Fighting all the way .

I feel like I have to prove that I am worthy of finishing my degree and I have to prove that I am worthy to be around.  What a place to be.  I know I am behind, but I am working really hard. Please do not tell me something you have no intention of doing.  I am writing my letter for financial aide and I have asked a few others to write letters and I  am amazed at their words.  I hope that truth is believed and I am awarded help for the upcoming semester. And I hope that I will have the courage and strength to reach out more and maybe one of these days, I can have my hand held too.

Mid- Year Review

Well my friends it is June.  Yea right ? Well Yes.  So many things that were supposed to be are not and I am not where I thought I should be right now.   So many plans that were to be done, places to see, and people to meet just are not going to happen. I was supposed to go to the beach ( My favorite place) in April that didn't happen.We were supposed to go to Mariska's conference in July that won't be happening. Mariska's wig party, that will have to wait too. Those were some amazing things that were going to get me through the next year, that just aren't happening. SO I can't be sad about something that there is nothing I can do about it.

 Right now I am holding on to what I know.  Me. My art.  My children. My future home. And being in the classroom.  I know that tomorrow when I wake up, it will be me I know that when I wake up next week its still me.  This might be a little long, with lots of pictures, it may seem random in places ( Imagine that something random coming from me ) but these are the things that make me smile,  a view of the things that I do have for sure for certain .  My world View. Scary right ? I know, I am sorry but its what I hold dear.

I have my Art.



 Surrender
Whatever you may be celebrating or grieving
May you practice courage every day
And let it nurture your spirit
However weary or uplifted it might be
There is hope in our celebrations
And strength in our brokenness
May you embrace your own sweet surrender
with faith and courage along the way

 



My view everyday.  Its what keeps me going and gives me hope.  This is my place that has my heart.

 
                                                          

LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE

Hope

 

We are all meant for these journeys

of hope and tenderness

of love

of doing things we never

thought we could do

This is where our courage lives

it's where we find ourselves

standing strong and hopeful

ready to claim, what is ours

                            Brave Girl      

  

 

 These are the words and pictures that I look to, that I hope someday will be true and fit my heart.

And what I have greater than anything is my children. They amaze me, and teach new things all the time. They have a sparkle that is amazing, they are truer than anything I have ever done, EVER.

Today is the last full day of the kids for third grade and that is really hard.  I can't believe that they are becoming the amazing people that they are.  They are doing a time capsule in their class that they will get back in the mail when they are seniors in High School ! Whew.....High School......Seniors !!!!  And I wrote them a letter yesterday to put in their envelope that they will open as they prepare to graduate.  Do you know how hard that is ?  And how exciting that it is ?  It scares me to death, but the things they will  have, the experiences they will have will pass me by miles. I hope all their questions will be answered and they will have peace in their heart and know I was meant to be their mom.  They are the reason I keep going, why I keep breathing most days.  They are more than amazing.

Thoughts of my very own house are something amazing.  It will be here soon and i can't not even begin to describe what that means.  I don't know if we will be in an apartment or a house but it will be ours and it will be so very happy.  We are buying little things that we will need that all we all love.  We talk about it all the time and its so very fun.  The furniture we will have, the pictures that will be on our wall.  I do not know where it will be, but with the three of us together it will be our HOME.  And I know a few single teachers that are buying houses and that gives me hope that maybe someday I can do that for Vincent and Mariska.  Its closer than it was yesterday and I have to remember that during these months ahead.  Our very own happy house. That sounds so amazing, and I have to tell you we are going to have one big amazing party when that happens :)

Oh my heart.  This is what I will finally be doing.  I have my final math class that starts in July and that I am not at all worried about at all.  And when school starts I will get to spend every Wednesday and Thursday in the classroom as I do my observation, then the following semester do my actual student teaching.  I just have to hold on to what I know and know with all that I am that the decisions that I am making right now are laying the groundwork for Mariska and Vincent to thrive.  I am working so very hard to create the life that I have wanted for so very long.  I was crying during the kids awards thinking WOW in time, that will be me giving awards to my class !  That was something so very amazing.  My only fear is that I may cry my entire first year of teaching saying to myself each and every day "ITS HAPPENING ITS REALLY HAPPENING".  Again I am closer than ever before, than even yesterday than even an hour ago.  Its with in my reach and I am holding on with all that I have.

Maybe this is less of a review of the year past and more about what is to come.  Oh I hope for so many things, so many things are changing. The time ahead even with all these fabulous things won't be easy.  But it will all be worth it.  The situation I am in at this very moment is what it is. Its more than hard and often hurtful.  It has been that way for some time.  I have to hold on to what is ahead, and know that tomorrow there will be me and when I teach it will be me, and when I have my house it will be me.  Being me gets so hard and I get more than exhausted but maybe for this time its what its supposed to be.  I am so very scared and so very excited about what is to come.

So Summer officially starts at 11:30 tomorrow.  I am making a special dinner for the kids and I to celebrate.  We are going to be in the pool, visiting museums, playing with Sugar (our newest family member) and play all.....summer.....long.  We are going to write and read and talk about our house and all the things we would like to plan.  And I will be awaiting the call from the principle telling me that I will be at their school and what classes I will get to be a part of. So my look ahead into the year wasn't so accurate but what can I say.....


I read this this morning :

There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly live.

~ Dalai Lama ~



WOW. How awesome is that.  Its something I need to do more of.  My past still hurts but I will continue, my present is less than desirable but I am moving forward and my future well time will tell, but its looking amazing and I have to stand in that.  Each and every day I am working and setting goals and doing the right things for my family. Today I will practice courage, and kindness.  I will be strong and brave. I will live.  I will live quite lovely.


I heart your heart.  Love ME.