Well my friends it is June. Yea right ? Well Yes. So many things that were supposed to be are not and I am not where I thought I should be right now. So many plans that were to be done, places to see, and people to meet just are not going to happen. I was supposed to go to the beach ( My favorite place) in April that didn't happen.We were supposed to go to Mariska's conference in July that won't be happening. Mariska's wig party, that will have to wait too. Those were some amazing things that were going to get me through the next year, that just aren't happening. SO I can't be sad about something that there is nothing I can do about it.
Right now I am holding on to what I know. Me. My art. My children. My future home. And being in the classroom. I know that tomorrow when I wake up, it will be me I know that when I wake up next week its still me. This might be a little long, with lots of pictures, it may seem random in places ( Imagine that something random coming from me ) but these are the things that make me smile, a view of the things that I do have for sure for certain . My world View. Scary right ? I know, I am sorry but its what I hold dear.
I have my Art.
SurrenderWhatever you may be celebrating or grieving
May you practice courage every day
And let it nurture your spirit
However weary or uplifted it might be
There is hope in our celebrations
And strength in our brokenness
May you embrace your own sweet surrender
with faith and courage along the way
My view everyday. Its what keeps me going and gives me hope. This is my place that has my heart.
LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE
Hope
We are all meant for these journeys
of hope and tenderness
of love
of doing things we never
thought we could do
This is where our courage lives
it's where we find ourselves
standing strong and hopeful
ready to claim, what is ours
Brave Girl
And what I have greater than anything is my children. They amaze me, and teach new things all the time. They have a sparkle that is amazing, they are truer than anything I have ever done, EVER.
Today is the last full day of the kids for third grade and that is really hard. I can't believe that they are becoming the amazing people that they are. They are doing a time capsule in their class that they will get back in the mail when they are seniors in High School ! Whew.....High School......Seniors !!!! And I wrote them a letter yesterday to put in their envelope that they will open as they prepare to graduate. Do you know how hard that is ? And how exciting that it is ? It scares me to death, but the things they will have, the experiences they will have will pass me by miles. I hope all their questions will be answered and they will have peace in their heart and know I was meant to be their mom. They are the reason I keep going, why I keep breathing most days. They are more than amazing.
Oh my heart. This is what I will finally be doing. I have my final math class that starts in July and that I am not at all worried about at all. And when school starts I will get to spend every Wednesday and Thursday in the classroom as I do my observation, then the following semester do my actual student teaching. I just have to hold on to what I know and know with all that I am that the decisions that I am making right now are laying the groundwork for Mariska and Vincent to thrive. I am working so very hard to create the life that I have wanted for so very long. I was crying during the kids awards thinking WOW in time, that will be me giving awards to my class ! That was something so very amazing. My only fear is that I may cry my entire first year of teaching saying to myself each and every day "ITS HAPPENING ITS REALLY HAPPENING". Again I am closer than ever before, than even yesterday than even an hour ago. Its with in my reach and I am holding on with all that I have.
Maybe this is less of a review of the year past and more about what is to come. Oh I hope for so many things, so many things are changing. The time ahead even with all these fabulous things won't be easy. But it will all be worth it. The situation I am in at this very moment is what it is. Its more than hard and often hurtful. It has been that way for some time. I have to hold on to what is ahead, and know that tomorrow there will be me and when I teach it will be me, and when I have my house it will be me. Being me gets so hard and I get more than exhausted but maybe for this time its what its supposed to be. I am so very scared and so very excited about what is to come.
So Summer officially starts at 11:30 tomorrow. I am making a special dinner for the kids and I to celebrate. We are going to be in the pool, visiting museums, playing with Sugar (our newest family member) and play all.....summer.....long. We are going to write and read and talk about our house and all the things we would like to plan. And I will be awaiting the call from the principle telling me that I will be at their school and what classes I will get to be a part of. So my look ahead into the year wasn't so accurate but what can I say.....
I read this this morning :
There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly live.
~ Dalai Lama ~
WOW. How awesome is that. Its something I need to do more of. My past still hurts but I will continue, my present is less than desirable but I am moving forward and my future well time will tell, but its looking amazing and I have to stand in that. Each and every day I am working and setting goals and doing the right things for my family. Today I will practice courage, and kindness. I will be strong and brave. I will live. I will live quite lovely.
I heart your heart. Love ME.
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