Its all there black and white clear as crystal ? RIGHT ?

Wrong very wrong. Nothing is only black and white and NOTHING is clear as crystal....clear as mud is much more like it.  For school they said that I have not met Satisfactory Academic Progress, saying that I have exceeded the number of hours that it should take someone to finish school.  So with that I have to write a  letter to appeal their decision and help them understand why it has taken me so long.  With that there are so many questions, so many parts and pieces to explain. Part of me wants to scream and is so very angry with them for not seeing how very hard that I have worked, for seeing that I made a B in my math class and I passed Algebra after oh so many tries.  Another part of me wants to cry and beg them , make them understand just how bad that I need this, how hard things have been and that I have never given up .  I want them to understand that I am not a bum, a looser, a mooch or any of those things. Even when things were at their worst ,  I always kept going knowing that this is what I wanted to do.  In the beginning at UNT there were days I would see attorney's during the day and be there for my classes at night. I would meet with the DA retelling my story over and over to different attorneys , I would tour the courthouse, I sat in the court room where my case would be heard and still I kept going.  And who did I have ?  I had my detective, he was more than amazing and listened and answered every terrified call calming my fears.  Even when there were no answers , he never failed to respond.  With all of that I kept going. 

Then finding out about Angela and going to Boston several times to testify for her.  Who did I have? I had Sam,  The attorney that was representing Angela.  He was so very kind and he was there. He was so caring and gentle with my heart.  And my amazing friend Cheryl who flew to Boston with me, made me laugh .  My nightmares woke her from a deep sleep and she laughed with me in the morning .  I could go on and on about the few people that were there and I think really isn't it black and white that I need this money to finish school ?  Isn't it clear as crystal that I NEED people around me, people that are going to stay, people that are going to do what they say they are going to ?   These are the two things that I just don't understand.

I am writing a letter to financial Aide trying to make them understand that I am not a slacker, that I am not useless.   And with friends I think I am in the same boat. People are telling me oh we will get together, oh we will have lunch , I will call you, oh I love you and then nothing.  Nothing. Nothing.  No response. Just Silence.We'll pray for you, we'll be there to help and honestly its making me angry, I need prayers yes, but I need someone there to hold my hand, I need someone there to be, just be. And maybe I should not take it personally but I do.  Because the common factor is me. Even the smallest response means more than you could even imagine, just an acknowledgement.     

Just like with financial aide, I am not making the right kind of progress and in my life with friends I am not progressing as fast as I should, I don't understand things the way they do, I don't share so many things,  so I am pushed to the side. Just facts people.  Just the way that it is. I can count on one hand the people that stick around and I am beyond grateful.

So I am saying I know that I need a lot a whole lot and I am so very sorry, but if you would just be willing to stay you might see some amazing things, and things will be clear. If you could just help with this Aide for the upcoming semester you would see the great things that would come from it.  The detectives come and go, but how they cared in the situation meant more than you can ever imagine.  Whether it was Det. Plemons, or Sam Schoenfeld, Or even the detectives from where my father lives, I felt like they had an understanding of where I was going and what I could do. I want to get that through to people in my life and the people at school, that I have come a really long way and I will continue to do so, I just need time.  Gentle precious time. I feel like I have to apologize all the time for the life that I have had, because as good as it gets its a part of me, its not all of me but its there.  And there are times that it is going to come up.  My past makes people uncomfortable and I hate that, if I could make it go away make it different I would.  If I could have finished school like a normal teenager I sure would have.  I was not dealt normal life cards and I am doing what I can. I am doing all I possibly can. Fighting all the way .

I feel like I have to prove that I am worthy of finishing my degree and I have to prove that I am worthy to be around.  What a place to be.  I know I am behind, but I am working really hard. Please do not tell me something you have no intention of doing.  I am writing my letter for financial aide and I have asked a few others to write letters and I  am amazed at their words.  I hope that truth is believed and I am awarded help for the upcoming semester. And I hope that I will have the courage and strength to reach out more and maybe one of these days, I can have my hand held too.