Who ME Antisocial ??

Well I have to say I was a little worried going to my brothers for Thanksgiving.  He has always been the outgoing one lots of friends all the time, he always knew everyone.  And the more we talked about Thanksgiving, the more nervous that I got.  He was talking about all these people that were going to be there for dinner, and I didn't know any of them.  There were my brothers girlfriends parents and her sister, a few people  that he works with and I was well I was scared.

I have been the one who wants to fade into the background my entire life,  I was never the party girl, never the anything girl really I would just watch and make sure that everything around me was OK.  I have been like that my entire life, I mean literally from as far back as I can remember.  I never had many friends, never was the outgoing social person that others sometimes wanted me to be.  Part of that is just how I grew up but I really think that another part of it , is because that's just who I am.

It was the day after thanksgiving and my brother said what a great day it was that he was worried how I would be around all these people and that he was glad I even talked to some of the people and was "Social".  And I jokingly said yea me your antisocial sister interacting and it was made into a joke , but it was one of those jokes that stings your heart though. I know that I am not the most social person but I try really hard. I always worry that I will say something stupid and look like an idiot, I worry that people won't understand , I worry that people won't want to listen.  I worry that honestly I will be a pest.  So it becomes easier to smile and watch others and make sure that everything is OK..

So his comment had me thinking, I can remember being called a snob in high school for not talking to people and it wasn't that I didn't have anything to say,  it was the thought in my head well who is going to want to listen anyway.  I know even times I have gone out to dinner with friends and there are so many things to say in my head its hard just to talk about the normal everyday things .  I am probably sounding pretty crazy right now, but I promise I am not.  I dread that time in church when they say greet someone , that sinking in my chest, and I find something that needs my attention in my purse.  I hate the first day of classes in school   , not knowing who will be in your class and on and on.

Its kinda funny I am more social now than I have ever been.  I remember walking into James and Amy Wiebe's for the first time for life group.  I honestly had a panic attach and it was worse when Matt Poe asked so tell us about you !  That is a post for later but that was super super hard for me but its gets hard always making sure that others are OK, or worrying how they will take what you say and that doesn't mean I don't love it, just sometimes there are SOOOO many things that I want or need to say and don't. So I honestly don't mean to be anti-social but maybe that's just part of who I am.  Its crazy life group had started again and its bigger than before more people more families and as much as I love it it still scares me to death.  So I know I am socially awkward,  I know that I think different, I view the world different but I promise that I am not being a snob, or not wanting to be involved I am just being me.

I heart your heart my friends who can accept my weirdness , I love you.

I am Spent

OK this might sound whiny and I apologize but I am tired of having to fight for everything.  Whether its for me or my children I am just tired of having to fight.  I must apologize to anyone who reads this, I am so very sorry, you guys are  going to get sick of reading how I grew up but I have always had to fight and I don't mean physically beat someone up though sometimes that would be nice.  Mentally I always have to fight. Whether its fighting for whats right, fighting for others, fighting for my own children , fighting for my grades, fighting to finish school, fighting to find somewhere to live, fighting myself its all a fight and I am exhausted.  I find myself removing myself from everything because people get tired of me and my having to fight all the time.  I want someone to ask how are you and be able to smile and say greatand truly mean it.

Let me say I don't at all expect life on a silver platter, I don't expect things to be easy and everything go perfect what I am asking for is a break.  Things are kinda crazy all around no matter how you look at them.  My church is struggling and it feels like sand slipping through my fingers, people are leaving left and right, and I don't understand. I found this amazing place with truly great people and it feels like its falling out from under me.  School right now is so very hard, I am waiting to speak with the dean but even after all is said and done I am still going to have to take that class again, I am hoping for a miracle with the other class that only time will tell.  At home I don't know where I stand, some days we are wanted but most days we are not.  Do I leave find a place for single moms and kids  and get a job leaving school when I have only 3classes and student teaching left?  Do I stay where I am not being wanted, but finish school and then move out ?  What damage am I doing to my kids living where we aren't wanted ?  Do I move with the risk of not finishing school and never getting ahead ? I don't have a clue.  I just don't know.

Nothing is settled, nothing is sure and I am realizing that I really like things the same, I like to know that things are OK and people are the same. I like to know that from one day to the next people will feel the same about you today as yesterday . I like things at the same time and place where I can count on them. And I can't even connect with anyone right now because I just won't leave the kids, where I know its not good for them.  As good as that is for them, and its making a huge difference I get further and further behind.  A friend of mine wrote in an email :   you will not be left behind and it made me cry so hard because right now I couldn't get any further behind.  I am working so hard trying to do everything and there just isn't enough of me.  There are a lot of big life decisions that need to be made and I don't have a clue where to start or where I need to go.  People say Pray , and oh I pray, I cry, I pray some more and still  nothing.  I beg for some relief some comfort some answers and there just aren't any.  I have said many times that I must be doing something wrong, because maybe a little break is just too much to ask for, once again I don't have a clue.  HA imagine that .

For the Whales

I have this passion for whales that's is so deep, so strong at times it makes my heart hurt. Whales are as close to my heart as my children and my love for teaching.  Whales are everything gentle and kind.  They take care of each other, they help each other.  They have this amazing sense , this peace about them that I have always been drawn too.
I mean lets face it I have always loved animals, they have always been special because animals just don't hurt you.  Oh goodness I sure don't know what I would have done with out animals in my life growing up, they were my world and I would have done anything to keep them safe and sound.  But my passion for whales started the summer of 1988 when I was 13.  There are many special stories that summer but this one is about my love, passion and gratefulness for whales.

It had truly been a hellish year, so many things were going on and I was in such a dark place.  I was so withdrawn and numb inside.  I was going through the motions of life but not really living.  What I had to deal with was way beyond my 13 years and I just couldn't deal with anymore, there was literally nothing left for me to hold onto .  I was scared of people, I kept eating more and more believing that if I was ugly people would leave me alone, I was an absolute mess.  I was at a place where I was more like a living breathing walking dead thing,I didn't even really feel human anymore.  I wasn't connected to anyone or anything, and 99% of me had given up on everything.  I keep looking for the right words to explain that time and I just do not have any.  Imagine staring at a black piece of paper not feeling anything at all, not caring and knowing that no else cared either.  I was living in this cold world and I didn't have an ounce of hope , I had nothing, not even a friend .  My thought  was with a life like mine who in the world would want to be around me anyway even by chance that I did want a friend or two.

So that summer of 88' my grandmother decided that she was going to take me to Florida for a week.  We were going to stay in her condo on Daytona beach and we were going to see every possible tourist attraction that there was.  Its unbelievable, I had no idea what a life saving trip that this would become.  My grandmother was really great, she was trying so hard taking me to all these places, I can't even imagine the money that she spent.  It was so peaceful being away from home, being near the water, getting to see dolphins right off the balcony, It was amazing, and so soothing for my tired soul.  My grandmother was trying so hard to bring me out of my shell to make me happy but my heart was just too far away.  Until we went to Sea World.  And I have to say being the animal activist that I am that I would never encourage anyone to go there, and in no way do I like Sea World, and I Will Never Ever go there again and in no way am I promoting whales in captivity but I am forever grateful that , that summer those whales gave me hope and brought part of me back to life. 

We got there early that day, I can remember being pretty excited.  The first thing we did was go on a behind the scenes tour.  That was where you get to go behind where the general public doesn't get to go.  We got to see where the sick and injured animals live and are taken care of and rehabilitated.  You get this up close view of the animals and the people that work with  them.  Then at the end of the tour comes the part where you get to get up close and personal with the whales.  I can remember the butterflies in my stomach I mean come on when you get that close to something so big its something that is unimaginable.  You are given all these rules to stay behind the yellow line, and blah blah blah.  And I always follow the rules, I mean always but the whale was right there , I mean less than arms length away.  And with out another thought I stepped over the line and I touched her head and I looked right into her amazing eyes and for the first time in I don't know how long I felt something.  I felt alive, I felt in that second that she understood everything and time stood still. The peace that I felt was something I will never forget.  I felt more connected to this huge whale than any living breathing person around me.



Then there was the rush of the tour guide, the panic of the trainers NO NO NO stay behind the yellow line.  I looked at them and stepped back but I never heard another sound,all that mattered was that whale and I. There was just an understanding in her eyes.  A compassion a gentleness that I had never ever experienced in my life.  My words can't even totally explain those few moments that I shared with that amazing beautiful creature.  I was in awe.  I wish there was a way to open my heart and you could see and understand what this meant to someone like me. This was EVERYTHING to me.  Kinda sad that at 13 it took a whale for me to connect to something , to give me hope, to give me purpose but it was something that I never had. I will never for a second forget that connection and so my passionate  journey to Save The Whales began.

I went home that summer different than I was when I left.  I connected with that amazing whale and I finally felt like something mattered and I was going to do whatever I could to help keep whales safe .  I read every book possible on them and I learned about other people in the world who loved whales as much as I did like Jacques Cousteau, and Roger Payne.  These people became my hero's and  I found something to care about.   Then I found out about Paul Watson, who is a man that can understand my passion for whales he was one of the founders of Greenpeace but because of his thoughts about direct action he created his own organization: Sea Shepherd.  Which I am of coarse an active member of, an follow each of their campaigns all over the world, whether its sharks, dolphins or tuna.  And just last Tuesday they left for the southern ocean whaling sanctuary to stop the Japanese from their illegal hunting of whales.  I feel a connection to Sea Shepherd they understand the passion of the whales and the beauty that they give us.  So during this season I am always reminded of my first experience with a whale and look forward to the next. I will always look forward to the day I can be on a ship with others that share my passion for whales and we will see them in their ocean home.

This is for the whales.
I heart your heart.