I am Spent

OK this might sound whiny and I apologize but I am tired of having to fight for everything.  Whether its for me or my children I am just tired of having to fight.  I must apologize to anyone who reads this, I am so very sorry, you guys are  going to get sick of reading how I grew up but I have always had to fight and I don't mean physically beat someone up though sometimes that would be nice.  Mentally I always have to fight. Whether its fighting for whats right, fighting for others, fighting for my own children , fighting for my grades, fighting to finish school, fighting to find somewhere to live, fighting myself its all a fight and I am exhausted.  I find myself removing myself from everything because people get tired of me and my having to fight all the time.  I want someone to ask how are you and be able to smile and say greatand truly mean it.

Let me say I don't at all expect life on a silver platter, I don't expect things to be easy and everything go perfect what I am asking for is a break.  Things are kinda crazy all around no matter how you look at them.  My church is struggling and it feels like sand slipping through my fingers, people are leaving left and right, and I don't understand. I found this amazing place with truly great people and it feels like its falling out from under me.  School right now is so very hard, I am waiting to speak with the dean but even after all is said and done I am still going to have to take that class again, I am hoping for a miracle with the other class that only time will tell.  At home I don't know where I stand, some days we are wanted but most days we are not.  Do I leave find a place for single moms and kids  and get a job leaving school when I have only 3classes and student teaching left?  Do I stay where I am not being wanted, but finish school and then move out ?  What damage am I doing to my kids living where we aren't wanted ?  Do I move with the risk of not finishing school and never getting ahead ? I don't have a clue.  I just don't know.

Nothing is settled, nothing is sure and I am realizing that I really like things the same, I like to know that things are OK and people are the same. I like to know that from one day to the next people will feel the same about you today as yesterday . I like things at the same time and place where I can count on them. And I can't even connect with anyone right now because I just won't leave the kids, where I know its not good for them.  As good as that is for them, and its making a huge difference I get further and further behind.  A friend of mine wrote in an email :   you will not be left behind and it made me cry so hard because right now I couldn't get any further behind.  I am working so hard trying to do everything and there just isn't enough of me.  There are a lot of big life decisions that need to be made and I don't have a clue where to start or where I need to go.  People say Pray , and oh I pray, I cry, I pray some more and still  nothing.  I beg for some relief some comfort some answers and there just aren't any.  I have said many times that I must be doing something wrong, because maybe a little break is just too much to ask for, once again I don't have a clue.  HA imagine that .