#me too is better far away

I am not sure where to start or what  to say. I don't want to sound stupid or jealous or any of those things but there were a few things that I realized yesterday that made me really angry.  I think that the #METOO movement is amazing and its moving forward and I do believe that its going to change things.  But there are also people that post things about it, that talk about hoe we should comfort these people and be with them.  And I want to scream they praise all the people that we are seeing in the news, and there are friends people right in front of them that don't even get acknowledged.  This movement has long been needed but I think there are some that need a better understanding.  Far away we can see these women coming forward and we can see what a problem that sexual assault is,   its literally EVERYWHERE~ EVERYDAY  and when its as close to someones heart as it is to mine its hard.

There are millions of us everyday that are trying to survive that are trying to make it through this life and those that are publicly standing up is amazing and I am grateful there are many of your friends and family in the everyday that also need your support. That fight the same abuse and stigma, and and a hug or a note or something that they are thought of mean the world.

I wrote an email the other day and said how this movement was affecting me, and that it sometimes makes it hard and the response that I got back was oh ya I have thought about you and how it affects you.  But then SILENCE.  I even asked and said what I needed.  I asked when you think of me can you please just tell me thinking of you saw the news and just acknowledge that I am part of the #ME TOO movement too.  I just want to be acknowledged, I want people to see and know the struggle yes even all these years later.  That's all that I want acknowledgement , that yes my friend is one of those survivors and I am going to support her here and now.

I see posts on facebook how we need to step up and hold these people close and how many people are affected, lke its the thing to say Because there are people right in front of them that are a part of me too that need that hug that encouragement, that strength but when its close to hoe when its persona; there is a disconnect.

I think that's it, the disconnect people want to do the right thing, acknowledge but from far away.   What often hurts the most are the things that   are right in front of us that we can't even bare to acknowledge.  I get angry I see people posting things about how people need to speak up, people need to be supported .  YES YES those things are true.  But a facebook post doesn't count.  Its in the reaching out to others  even in the smallest ways to let them know that their faces are not on national news, their stories are not often heard or understood but they are still part of this sisterhood of abuse that way to many can feel in their bones. 

So I can say this #metoo is a blessing and a curse,  I am glad for those that find power and support and I heart their heart.  For those of us that do not feel that support we get so much from the support of others but for those close to us please remember me too is right in front of you and  more real than anything that you would like to be believe but please don't leave those closest to you out in the world alone because we are here and we are also #METOO.

History is not made by those who do nothing

 I read this the other day and thought oh my how perfect ! I am so tired of people not fighting of people not wanting to hear of people not standing up for what is right.  I think of Val and Neil and how the documentary is all done and they are still fighting , they are still doing research and conducting research and still in contact with me and still so many things and they know just how very important that these things are and they are continuing to fight.  They hear, they know, they understand the seriousness and still fight.  People have told me that I should be quiet, ask me why I still fight why I share and Want to scream and shake them and make them understand because how can I not fight ??  There was that saying that maybe I was just born to fight.  I am not a quitter and I don't give up, I will fight until people listen and hear and do things different I say that all the time.  I feel people do that with church and god getting others to listen and hear and there isn't a problem with that but when its something devastating like abuse, even those that are knowledgeable would rather you keep such things to yourself.  I will never sit back and do nothing, I become silent there will be other voices that become silent and that is a lonely place to be and won't let that happen if I have anything to do with it.  I think there is a part of me that doesn't understand the do nothing mentality.  I think through the entire justice process I was shocked that others didn't see the urgency and seriousness of wanting to keep Angela safe !!!  Why was that such a hard thing to understand ??  If I have the power to change things to truly make a difference why in the world would I not.

 

I can promise you that fighting is not an easy road.  There are days I would love to curl up in a ball and stop fighting but that just isn't an option, there are days but I always pick myself up again.  History is hard.  My history is unimaginable and yet here I am fighting for others, never wanting another to feel the things that I have felt and still fight. I don't want to own my story, I don't even want it to be mine but it is and so I need to make a difference with that. What happened to me has to mean something.  I can not answer the why's I can not answer the questions that come like breathing.  But if I can help others if I can make them feel not so alone then all that has happened has a reason and is still not worth it, but it makes my history and healing something to fight for.

I am tired of those that don't want to hear who can't hear. I know that it gets old.  I live with it every moment of every day and there are good days and bad days.  And I have to find people who love me even on those bad days.  I have to find people that are willing to stay around,  and be there for the great days when I am funny and witty and still weird but still me.  I want people to stay that can take all sides of me even the hard , unimaginable sad ones.  That is just my life.  I don't want people to hang around out of duty, be around because we fit, we gel we mesh.  Stay around because even in those hard moments I will cry nd laugh and scream and be more than sad but there are so many other good things that people miss out on because they can see past the past.  Or they do and pretend that it doesn't matter.  Newsflash, my past is all that I have known and no matter what I do there is no way for me to put it down and imagine anything else because that is all there is. I can't imagine a life without all those things so young. Al those things were my life, and my very survival depended on the things I lived through and I learned to view things through those goggles and those things as ugly and hard were also things that I survived.    If I could imagine that I wouldn't be in the place I am today and give everything that I have to fight for myself and others to make things different.  I can imagine a moment without all those things they have made me who I am, they are a part of who I am they are in my bones, a part of my skin and in every cell.  I won't pretend that they don't affect me. 

I heart your heart. To all those who help change history, even my history I am truly GRATEFUL.

It's about the experience

Its all about the experience and what goes on and I am afraid a lot of the time. Worried about what others think, how I ft in I worry that those I love will leave al the time .   I am not in my bones, a lot of the time   Often I don't have any words, literally my brain is screaming and there are no words that will come out, the ones that do come out are jumbled and don't make any sense.  I am hoping its time to leave things go that are not good for me even if I will miss them dearly.