Graduations

 I kind of need to purge the graduations that have been a part of my life and have made me dread this exciting moment coming in just a little over a week.  There was my disaster of a high school graduation.  There was my brother's graduation, seeing the person who stepped on my tadpoles and told me not to fight, and learning he had a daughter.  There was my undergrad graduation, where I was told that I was avoiding people and just didn't want them there. Graduations have been a series of rough moments for me, each one focused on everything but celebration. I do not like celebrations, and I am struggling to move beyond that. All of these things were supposed to be good things, and they just were not. I think that I kind of felt forgotten, not heard, and even blamed for my feelings. 

And I honestly don't even think that my expectations were too high; maybe they were, and I just didn't realize it. I just want this day to be enjoyable. I want to enjoy the moment and the journey that has led me to this point. I want to have conversations about what is next, and what my dreams are. I want to take in the little moments; I want everyone to at least be peaceful for the day.  Let the things that don't matter roll. There is a part of me that wants to revel in each moment, and another part that is terrified that if I do, reality will be something totally different, and once again I will be crushed.   I think the day is even heavier because the people that will be there are literally the only people I have, so those that are there have a huge presence and mean the world. 

My first experience with a graduation was High School.  I can remember just being glad that it was over. People were crying as we were getting ready to walk out, and I can remember thinking that I wasn't going to miss this place for a single second. There was too much hurt, too much sadness, and I was so glad that I thought I was going to be able to put it all behind me. I felt like I never had any true friends in high school, so leaving wasn't really a problem. The only person that I hugged after graduation was a guy that I spent most of my lunches with in the library. I was that girl who didn't even go to the cafeteria. I saw him when we all walked out of the colosseum, and I gave him a hug, but he was the only one. I don't really remember much family being there; I know they were, but I don't remember that part.  I remember walking alone to the car because my father was having some kind of panic attack and all of the attention was on him.  I think at the time, it wasn't a big deal I was used to being on my own and there was just another moment when I didn't matter. I can still remember the Colosseum in the background and walking down the hill alone.  

The next graduation was 5 years later, same building as mine but for my brother's graduation. It's still so very clear in my head; I can still see across that stadium like it was yesterday. Once again I felt all alone.  From across the stage, I saw albert, and his young daughter. He had a brother who graduated the same year as my brother.  Timothy was his name, and his entire family was there, including Albert, the one who killed my tadpoles and told me that next time I wouldn't fight, the one who raped me in his living room, in the back of the van. I was in the same building with him, and I was terrified. I was even more terrified for his daughter. I was worried about what would happen after graduation, when everyone is meeting their families; I didn't want to see him.  I was once again alone in my thoughts and emotions.  I hated him so much, and I would have done anything to go up to him and tell him what I thought, but I just wasn't in that place. I can remember waiting for my brother to come out, terrified, standing by a tree, hoping I didn't see him and that he didn't see me.  Our families knew each other; my mother took care of his brothers when they were younger. I don't remember much else besides his presence there, and not a single person there knew what he had done to me. After that graduation, I called the police in New York, where he lived, and told them the story about what he did to me and that he had a daughter. Of course, there was nothing that could be done, but they heard me. That absolute feeling of helplessness, and everyone around me being so clueless, that I was so afraid.  I am not sure that I was even breathing, and I just wanted to leave. 

Then there was my graduation for my undergrad. I feel like this one needs some backstory. I was excited; I had worked harder than I ever had to get there. It was a rough time, but I was more than excited and looking forward to having a place of my own and building the life that I have always imagined.  There was not much contact with my mom; she was distant, and I didn't have anything to say. She was full of secrets, and I tried to keep contact with my kids to a minimum; she was unkind.  I don't even know how everything came to be.  I think that my family had a chip on their shoulder and had the attitude that I didn't want them there and that wasn't the case. My mom and my brother were my family, they should be there, right ?!? Well, you would think there were accusations that I didn't want them there, so many assumptions and things expected. So the day came.  It was crazy, I had little money, I hated the clothes that I had, they just didn't fit.  I broke a glass on my foot the day before; I hated my shoes they more than hurt my feet.  There were so many things that were off, and I was just trying to make it all work. I drove there on my own.  I had Fall Out Boy blaring and was singing as loud as I could. I was the first one there and my feet hurt, but I was ok. 

 I got there, we all walked in, and I had finally done it. Then I looked up and saw the kids and realized that James was there. I was beyond excited and couldn't believe it. So there is a mass of people once the graduation is over, everyone trying to find their families.  And my mother and brother said that I was trying to stay away from them.  I was shocked; that wasn't what I was doing at all. It just hurt- so much drama on a special day. All the drama just continued into the party the next day: the people and their attitudes, my brother saying that he wasn't invited, my mother came, but everything was so uncomfortable and so full of drama that it took away from the specialness of the day.  They kind of wanted to show up and prove something, but I needed that a long time ago, not on my special day. So there were so many hurt feelings and just unrest; I felt like I had done something so wrong, and I hated that feeling. 

So to say that I am more than nervous about graduation Friday would be an understatement. I want to be excited. I want things to go smoothly, and I want to be able to celebrate. I don't want to think about licensure, or work, or next steps, or even the doc program. I just want to enjoy every second of the day and let it soak in.  I am so afraid that something will happen.  I got perfect sparkly shoes; I am comfortable with my outfit.  Mariska and I are going to drive there together, and I am so excited. I just want to take it all in.  I have worked so hard to get here, and I am more than excited. I want to enjoy the day, and I know what this big day have been for me in the past, and I just want something different. So less than 48 hours from now, I will be on my way, hoping that all my fears will fade away, and the day is everything perfect and amazing. 

I heart your heart.