Not alone but lonely

 

Mark said this the other day, and my reaction was yes! YES, that is exactly it, there are a few people around but it doesn't seem to be enough.  I am in this place, and I am more than lonely.  I cried talking about it. I am not at all ungrateful for the people that have shown up for me; I am so excited that they are around.  Even though they are around, it feels like they are not my people. I want people that are there when my hair is greasy, and I have bed head. I want people there when I don't have any words, and when I do seem to find them, the tears come, in that ugly cry kind of way. I don't really understand it. I have been on my own for most of my life; why does it hurt so much now? I thought maybe in my DOC classes there would be connection, and I have found that they get on my nerves and are already complaining about class and want to leave. Those are not my people. I am the one on the outside.  There are the few younger ones who like to hear themselves talk, the older lady that I do like, but one of her good friends is in the class, and when she is there, I am invisible. So once again I am just there on the outside. I often think that I am just a deep thinker, too deep and intense often, and it's hard to find someone who understands that. I just want to find people that I can connect with. People who can have those dark, deep conversations sometimes and not think that I am out of my mind.  I think when a person has grown up with trauma, we see things differently.  Lighthearted conversations aren't what we understand or feel comfortable with.  Give me the hard, the deep, the edgy, and I can talk about every side and give different perspectives.  How do I find my people? How do I tend to this loneliness and find a place where I belong? When I want to go somewhere, who do I go with? Who will go with me?  I know that I am weirdly different; I have a different perspective on life, but I want someone to share the person that I am with.  My children are getting older; they have their own lives, and I have to find my people. 

I even came home the other night to an empty house and was more than uncomfortable; I didn't know what to do with myself. I was walking in circles, and there are only so many things that a person can clean. Even sometimes that doesn't fill the hole. When all is said and done, that alone is still there as I write, scroll through my phone, or play a stupid game just to make the time pass. On those days when I can't get out of my own head, there is no one to call and no one to be there. Yesterday was an extremely rough day. I even cried holding Amelia. I apologized and told her I was sorry; I was just sad. I cried as she fell asleep on my shoulder.  That deep sadness, that loneliness, is ever-present, and lately it's there as a constant. Yesterday was a rough day anyway because it was Aug 22, and that day is hard.  It was even harder this day. 

I just want to find a place and people who are there for me, with no ulterior motive, just pure and gentle kindness. A genuine interest in me and my heart. I want to find those people who can hear my thoughts about my dissertation, question me, make me think, and keep the conversation going. I am just in a really lonely place, and I think for once in my life I don't want to feel that, and I don't have a clue where to start. I have so much to share and to give; this heart of mine longs for that connection that I have never been able to find, where it went both ways. 

I heart your heart