Why am I not happy

 

I have been avoiding sitting down to write because all the good things that have been happening and there is something that feels heavy.  I feel more than guilty that I should be so happy, and yet I am not. The tears have been nonstop, and I found myself sobbing on the couch the other night, crying out, "Why am I not happy?" There are so many reasons to be happy, and I should be in this joyful place, but I can't find it.  I think there are many reasons why, and they all feel big and looming. I graduated, and as excited as I am, there is still a certain longing that even graduation didn't fill. It's this feeling that there is still something missing. There is still something, some hole that I am trying to fill. 

There are so many pieces, there are some holes in my soul that have been filled have been healed. Those holes have been filled by fighting for others,  going through the court system, by finding my voice, by completing grad school. I made the choice to do all those things in hopes that somehow one of those things or a combination would give me the relief that I am desperately searching for. I know that I can not go back and change the things that have happened to me. As much as I wish there was a pill or magic wand to take away the pain and the pictures, I know they just might be forever. But the passion I have to want better for others, though it eases my own pain its still there for me. 

After all of these big milestones comes the reality, I can fight for others make a difference, I can put my whole heart and soul in everything I do. Still, I am alone. Still that ache in my heart is real and ever present. I keep doing, going working to find some kind of all I never got and its hard and terrifying and lonely in the hardest ways.

There are no people to share the amazing successes and the crippling sadness. They are both there almost all the time in varying degrees and it gets hard, what is missing is something that is terrifying. I want my person my very own person to celebrate all my successes now and in the future. And someone to remind me I will always be more than the pictures that repeat. Someone to smile and understand my love of whales and passion for the field of counseling. I want someone who hears my heart, who can gently hold on my heart on all the days. Someone to enjoy my listening to the same song over and over, and someone to hold !e when I feel the most unlovable. I want those conversations about how I am impacted by all the things in my life. And I want conversations, deep academic conversations on how to help others heal. 

So many things were never meant for me in this life. So many experiences  I will never have. If I could have just one wish, I wish to have my very own person for all the parts of me. The strong ones the weak ones and  everything in between. Someone who could see me , and share the life I am building. 

I heart your heart.