It doesn't work like that

You know it just doesn't happen like that, you don't tell  people you were raped and then they come out of the woodwork to support you.  I was watching 13 reasons why and , I am not usually affected by shows but today was so different.   In my experience you tell and everyone runs, points fingers and places blame. In my experience I was not supported and loved. In some cases people didn't know how in other cases I was accused of lying since I was the chubby kid who just wanted attention.  Those things hurt. Those things change who you are and last a lifetime.  Those are the things that a person can't forget.  SO I see these fairytale movies with these happy endings and being surrounded by love and given all this support it makes me want to scream, because for me that was not the case and makes me more than sad.  There was a scene after she walks out from being with the detective and al her friends are there and she is supported and they all encircle her.  I can tell you pressing charges doesn't work like that.  I think for me it brought up just how alone that I was , just how alone that I often feel in this.  I go weeks and I find no need to talk about it, its not a part of my everyday.  Then there are other days and those days are the rough ones.  These are the days when I question everything, when I hate just how alone that I was.  These days are less than they have ever been but they still exist and being alone on those hard days is more than hard.  Because there isn't anyone to go to or to talk to in those days.  So on those days I may write, I may blog, I may la in bed and wait for those moments to be over.
 

There were some along the way that were there that supported, but that is the exception and not the rule.  Sometimes there are movies that seem to just slap your past right in your face and as you move away from it, you see things different.  Now I still see the things that happened as an outsider. I still see things outside looking in.  I think that I always will, because it hurts to much to see it as any other way.  There are days that I want to go back I want to scream at those people that didn't believe me.  I want to scream at those that stood by and pointed fingers.  The thing about being raped is that there are things that a person can never get back.  A person is changed forever and I really think that this is something that I will learn and go through forever.  I think that the bad days will get less and less but I think there will always be days.  There will be things I can never get my head around.  There will be things that I can never put words to.  There will be moments when I get stuck as that scared hurt girl. I feel that there will always be things.  There will always be ways that I am affected and it's all about living in the moment and dealing with things as they come.  Some days I will be ok, other days I won't.  I think the hardest part is just doing it myself.  It would be amazing at times just to have that person to lean on.  Just to know that you, I, didn't/dont have to carry that load all on my own.

I guess I can be grateful that these shows are bringing things to light that they are talking about them.  And everyone's experience is so totally different.  I am sure that mine is all compacted by other abuses that occurred because for me that was life. I was meant for people to hurt.  It's so normal in my life, I was meant to be hurt, raped, used that was my normal and there was a quote "Pain changes People"  and that is so fitting.  Things that happened to me early on in life normalized the things that happened later. 

Even Vincent came in my room while it was on and asked "Do those things really happen in school ?"  And I want to tell him in so many ways yes.  And I just said yes and the conversation continues and he asked why people don't tell and why don't people do things and I told him because they are not supported and taken care of.  That often you are not treated kindly.  I am more than glad that Vincent doesn't understand.  For me as his mom as they begin high school in a few weeks I am terrified.  I have to remind myself, that what I lived is so different from my own children. The life that they have lived is different.  There has to be a lot of separating going on and I am sure that is also pulling at my heart. 

I am sure that I am blabbing, there are so many thoughts and emotions.  Maybe someday I will get this old tattered heart of mine figured out and taken care of. Someday. Someday.

I heart your hart.

It's a million little things

You know it's all adding up and it's getting so very heavy. I miss my perfect little house on creekview.  I miss the life that I had there.  I miss so many things that I had there. Things were good, my very own place to write to read to rest.  My very own place where everything was taken care of, and there was pizza and a movie every Friday night.  Those are the things that I miss.  And I miss that I don't have those things now. I miss the small electric bill.  I miss the one floor. I miss the window that wall to wall in my room.  I miss the deck and the sitting on the stairs.  I miss hearing the creek when it rained really hard.  I miss the huge library that was everything perfect.  I miss that house I so miss that house that place that time. I miss the life that the three of us had.  The visits were good and then it was the three of us and life was safe.  I miss the vincent that was when it was the three of us.  I miss the three of us dynamic and how we all fit together.  I miss that life that life that I had before things got so heavy here in the responsibility of this big house.  I like it here; it's beautiful and nothing I ever imagined and am not sure that I deserve.  But this house takes its toll on me. 

Big Feelings

I just need some time to get me back.  The sad is winning,  There are no people to share and speak with.

They are my world and why I keep going. 

Just those quiet moments when you want to reach out and then you remember what happens when you do... So you cry silently and hope maybe someday that will get better. 

Maybe this one says it all leave people better than you found them.  

I may sure as hell be broken but I will never stop trying to make people feel better.  Forever and always I will always make sure that no one has to feel the things that I have. 

Yes, this. If I said the things that I thought that I felt I feel as though the pieces I have left would crumble.  I am tired of being left, tired of being second and hurt that I am not a first for anyone ever.

Yes, simple things.  I have asked people please if you think of me say hello.  If you wonder how I am just let me know I am n your thoughts I ask for what I need and get things thrown in my face, do you know the time I have spent on you.....Yes Yes I do and I promise not to take anymore.

Yes, someday can I just be caught ? 

YES, I need to ask because being a bother and a pest is huge at the top of my list I will not ask for help, I will suffer and I will do my best.  I need you not to give up and just ask.  Even in the asking I will feel so much better.  

Yea, that is what I have.

Love it,  I try I so try.  There are days I think how awesome there are days I think holy shit will I ever be fine, be over it ?

SO MUCH TRUTH.  I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND ME RIGHT WHERE I AM.

I try, but there is so much to do.

I am so learning this.  Because I hold on so TIGHTLY.  Even if its not good its what I have. 

This feels terrible, I have come a long way there are so many things that I overcome on a daily basis, that no one sees that not one person acknowledges.  Instead of celebrating those things I get sad that I am alone in them.

NO, I am not fine. 

I am growing into this.  People have said fake it till you make it.  I don't want to fake being something that I am not.  I am not an extrovert.  I am not an outgoing person why would I want to fake that.  The quiet observant part of me isn't something bad that needs to be anything different.

Yes, but this becoming is more than lonely and quite painful.

Find this one hard to believe. 

Yes, more than tired of asking and my heart is heavy its been months since I have asked for help , its hard but if you can't hear me then why bother asking ??  SO I dont.  

I don't want to have to fight anymore.

Connection, YES.  I have no connection to others really.  Not that deep connection that my heart needs.

TRUTH.

Baby Things ; Celebrations

Yet another thing that breaks my heart.  Another thing that weighs on my soul. and I thought it was jealousy and I got angry with myself. Why am I jealous, I have two amazing 14 year olds , that I love more than life itself. I honestly could not understand the feelings that I was having. I am more than excited for the others that I know that are having babies.  I am excited for them and their journey and I know how exciting and amazing that it is going to be.  There was also this feeling that I felt deep in my soul and I have done everything I could to try and ignore but it's there and I think that I figured out why. It;s all about the celebration.




It had nothing to do with Jealousy, not even an ounce.  It was about celebrating the sweet baby or babies that would be brought into the world. These friends that were having babies were celebrated.  They were celebrated and supported.  The moms, the babies.  There were showers after showers well wishers after well wishes and the part that made me sad .....had nothing to do with those moms or new babies.  The part that made me sad was about the celebration of those new moms and new little lifes.

For me there wasn't much celebration, no friends, no nothing I was pretty much on my own. No one was there to celebrate my sweet babies.  For the entire pregnancy I was on my own, there were no words of encouragement or wisdom.  There was none of that.  And  it's hard to realize that I was not celebrated in those moments, my babies were not celebrated. There was one small shower at my job.  My desk was all decorated with blue and pink bears. There was a diaper genie as my biggest present. As a single mom the refills were more expensive than I could do.  There was no one buying us things. My mom bought me my rocking chair. I bought everything the cribs, stroller,  clothes, toys diapers I did it all and yet there was no celebrations for my sweet babies.  There was a card sent from my sweet friend Mary, that I still have with their sonogram photos.  Just how excited that she was, she celebrated my babies, and I was grateful . My little babies were all that mattered.  And in the hospital she was one of the only ones to bring me flowers and to celebrate my sweet Vincent and Mariska.  And my people Jason and Karen came  and they held them and they celebrated. That is so it!  It's so much about the celebration, the celebration of others acknowledging them. I was more than excited they were all that mattered they were everything in my life and my reason for breathing. I wanted others to share that with me. I even remember a dream where Cindy nelson was more than excited for me I remember that dream like it was yesterday.  Because there was no questioning no doubting there was just celebration for the little lives that I was lucky enough to be carrying.

So these feelings that have come up had nothing to do with Jealousy and everything to do with the celebration.  I wanted my children to be celebrated .  I wanted people to see how beautiful and perfect that they were.   So I go out of my way to make sure that I celebrate.  I always celebrated, that was everything that kept me going. I wanted others to jump and be excited regardless of the situation , regardless of the circumstances. I was going to be a mom and give them all the life things that were never given to me.  I was going to make sure that they were safe and sound in everything.





It's so crazy the little things that I remember there were no friends that came over there was no one to share them with and how perfect that they were.  A few of my moms friends came to the house but they were not my friends  there was no excitement for me.  One lady brought cheap diapers and said something about being grateful for what you had.  It was uncool and I was seen as less than and   that is what hurt.  These people were not even comfortable holding them and I just wanted them to go away.  They were not my people and they were not there to celebrate with me. There was this crisis pregnancy center and they were just awful.  We went there to get diapers and then one week we only got a few diapers and we said its twins and the basically told us too bad.  I felt terrible. After they were first born my mom came home with these plastic tubs from the pregnancy center and they made me cry.  I said that I didn't want to be ungrateful but how could I put these stained awful clothes on my beautiful perfect babies?   And of coarse they include the bible and it was just awful.  We needed an extra high chair and they said oh yea we have one that just came in there was black mold all over it ! I am sure that they wouldn't put their children in that chair.  It was things like that, I always felt less than.  I was a single mom with two babies and there was no celebrating, no meal train for months, no nothing and I didn't let it affect me.  I loved every minute of being a mom and taking care of them.  I just wanted them to be celebrated and loved and admired and that didn't happen.  Even today I don't get to share how amazing that they are, there are not grandparents and friends and people that are involved to see the people that they are becoming and that is hard on this momma's heart.  They deserve all the celebration that there is to give.   So it's nothing about being jealous, I can celebrate friends and their babies all day, it's just in the quiet moments I miss that my babies didn't get those celebrations and we were not loved and celebrated.

I heart your heart.

Things no one asked

This yes this. This has been a long time coming. I am tired that no one asks what happened to me but is there to defend and make excuses. This is about no one else but me, what I experienced how I was treated.  I will not say my story for fear of others when it mattered they were not there. There are no excuses in this place.  No one asked me what happened , how my heart was affected and that is a problem.  This is the looming thing has gotten in between friendships and forevers and my heart does not understand.  Not one person cared to ask what happened , if I was ok if I needed anything, oh a theme in my life!!!  I forgot she was the big hero saving me from my miserable life, I was  the villain the less than taking up space in her house.  I was a nothing from the beginning, I tried to ignore tried to not see it because I didn't have many other options.  I was desperate and I needed something else.  Life was hell, I was getting sick and crying all the time,  things were not good for the kids where we were.  I was not respected from the very beginning and again those things were not talked about, because it was so bad before, those little things were easy to look over.  Often she was asked how are things going and she would say : I can't believe how easy it is,  like I wouldn't have things any other way they are going really well.  Sure there were little things for me,but I was just supposed to be grateful ;how we were treated  really didn't matter.  Because things were so bad before I left I overlooked a lot. In the beginning things were truly great.    And then things went badly quickly, in so many ways now and the disrespect was blatant.  And it began to break my heart,  but in the situation she was all that mattered;  she was the big hero remember. So I put up with it all never saying a word because I was JUSt supposed to be grateful, it didn't matter how we were being treated.  I am grateful for some of the things that she did for me for a time I was grateful for that place and there was a time that it more than hurt my heart.  When I became more of a person my feelings were overlooked and I became an outsider.  She changed, wanted a boyfriend and I was getting in the way.  That was huge and the beginning of the end. Words were always spoken if you need help or can't watch Truman there are plenty of people to help.  And then I did that, I asked for help and that was the reason it was all over.  She just couldn't do it anymore.  YOU, can't do it anymore, my children and I were eating in parking lots because you and your boyfriend were on the couch and it was so known that we were in the way, and not wanted.    Yes she was seen as the hero, but I was also used,  the more that she changed I was expected to pick up the slack, watch Truman for all of her trips Personal,  work, sleepovers from some dating site.  Not once was I asked if I was ok. Not once.  I did all those things because I was grateful.  When time goes on and I got a full time job and had my own responsibilities I was expected to still care for hers.   There are so many things that I don't even know how to put into words,  there are many things I want to slam her for, and that doesn't do anyone any good.  In all those people that never heard me or cared to ask how I was are already lost.  They chose the hero,  and I have to learn to walk away because there were many that were never my friends they were friends to the hero, I was just the villain,leech, victim, poor thing, pick what works. There were times I was laughed at and made fun and I cried with such shame ; but I  was still grateful.  My things were placed in the front yard and washed down, every box was gone through things thrown away that others didn't think we needed.  I was still grateful.  I will always be grateful,  but there are also things that were not ok that made me feel less of a person than I ever had.  There were pieces of my heart that were broken that I will never forget. My fears were laughed at, my heart was unimportant, I was good for dishes and babysitting, in the end I lost.  I lost so much and no one has ever cared to notice, I lost people; people that  I thought I had.  But they were never mine to begin with.  The people that I did have, well yes she managed her way in because that is what she does. Things went down hill quickly, I got a real job and had more responsibility at work,  being a substitute is something totally different than a full time teacher and that was not understood.  When I finally asked for help that was the beginning of the end.  Making the table where we all ate smaller, removing chairs ; there were no longer a place for us all to sit down.  So many signs. So much passive aggressive and I was still grateful.  There were so many things that others can not even begin to understand.  The disrespect, I understand that it wasn't my home but I was also a person.  So many things broke my heart and when someone is a friend they don't laugh in your face at your fears, they think about your feelings.  In the end I got in the way, nothing was shared, there was no conversation, there was no sharing,  we were seen as something that got in the way.   I found a real job and was working on getting my own place.  Even when my leaving wasn't on her time frame, it didn't go over well.  So much hurt, not once was I asked about anything.  Not by anyone there were only offers of excuses for her and things about her point of view that was not ok. What about me ? What about how I was treated???   What bothered me most is that she was always the hero and not one person asked me about my experiences or feelings.  NOT EVEN ONCE. And when I was strong enough to leave on my timeline I lost more than I ever gained.  The things that I once believed were so real were a plague of lies and once again I was left. I am still more than grateful and at the same time confused and sad; how I was treated was not ok,  and I know that.  I was not even close to perfect,  but I deserved to be treated with the respect that any one of her fucking fake friends was treated. This just so much this.

Always grateful, I heart your heart.

High School

Yea this one is a touchy subject. And with Vincent and mariska being a few weeks away from their freshman year they have a lot of questions.  In their questions are things that I can't answer that I can't explain.  I want it to be so very different for them and I do not know how to explain what it was like forme or even if that's appropriate.  Because the things that I want for their high chol experience are things that I never had the chance to experience.  There are so many memories and feelings wrapped in the memories of their questions for me and it breaks my heart.  Sometimes their questions are the reminder of all the things that I didn't' have; never experienced and the anxiety for my own kids is something I can not explain.

I can make a list of all the words that I want for them:

And I have a list of what it was like for me:

And how do you explain a high school experience like mine too your children ?? 

How can I answer their questions truthfully ? often thinking about it still is hard.  I can remember in detail how hard that things were. How I was treated, what a misfit that I was.  I get frustrated because I don't have those good stories to tell them, I didn't have friends that I shared any experiences with.  I was completely and totally alone.  There were a few interactions but fun high school experiences with music and friends those things were not for me.  I was such an outsider, always looking in at things that I knew I wasn't a part of.  I can't believe that it still makes me sad.  I was so picked on, for as long as I can remember.  Maybe those things just don't go away. 

For them I wish them friends and groups and many positive experiences. I hope that they find good true people that are kind that share their interests and ideas.  I hope they know that being who you are is a good thing.  Don't let people change you, be a leader and not a follower, do great things and change the world.  I may not be able to share all about mine but I can tell you all the things that I wish for you. 

I heart your heart .