Yet another thing that breaks my heart. Another thing that weighs on my soul. and I thought it was jealousy and I got angry with myself. Why am I jealous, I have two amazing 14 year olds , that I love more than life itself. I honestly could not understand the feelings that I was having. I am more than excited for the others that I know that are having babies. I am excited for them and their journey and I know how exciting and amazing that it is going to be. There was also this feeling that I felt deep in my soul and I have done everything I could to try and ignore but it's there and I think that I figured out why. It;s all about the celebration.It had nothing to do with Jealousy, not even an ounce. It was about celebrating the sweet baby or babies that would be brought into the world. These friends that were having babies were celebrated. They were celebrated and supported. The moms, the babies. There were showers after showers well wishers after well wishes and the part that made me sad .....had nothing to do with those moms or new babies. The part that made me sad was about the celebration of those new moms and new little lifes.
For me there wasn't much celebration, no friends, no nothing I was pretty much on my own. No one was there to celebrate my sweet babies. For the entire pregnancy I was on my own, there were no words of encouragement or wisdom. There was none of that. And it's hard to realize that I was not celebrated in those moments, my babies were not celebrated. There was one small shower at my job. My desk was all decorated with blue and pink bears. There was a diaper genie as my biggest present. As a single mom the refills were more expensive than I could do. There was no one buying us things. My mom bought me my rocking chair. I bought everything the cribs, stroller, clothes, toys diapers I did it all and yet there was no celebrations for my sweet babies. There was a card sent from my sweet friend Mary, that I still have with their sonogram photos. Just how excited that she was, she celebrated my babies, and I was grateful . My little babies were all that mattered. And in the hospital she was one of the only ones to bring me flowers and to celebrate my sweet Vincent and Mariska. And my people Jason and Karen came and they held them and they celebrated. That is so it! It's so much about the celebration, the celebration of others acknowledging them. I was more than excited they were all that mattered they were everything in my life and my reason for breathing. I wanted others to share that with me. I even remember a dream where Cindy nelson was more than excited for me I remember that dream like it was yesterday. Because there was no questioning no doubting there was just celebration for the little lives that I was lucky enough to be carrying.
It's so crazy the little things that I remember there were no friends that came over there was no one to share them with and how perfect that they were. A few of my moms friends came to the house but they were not my friends there was no excitement for me. One lady brought cheap diapers and said something about being grateful for what you had. It was uncool and I was seen as less than and that is what hurt. These people were not even comfortable holding them and I just wanted them to go away. They were not my people and they were not there to celebrate with me. There was this crisis pregnancy center and they were just awful. We went there to get diapers and then one week we only got a few diapers and we said its twins and the basically told us too bad. I felt terrible. After they were first born my mom came home with these plastic tubs from the pregnancy center and they made me cry. I said that I didn't want to be ungrateful but how could I put these stained awful clothes on my beautiful perfect babies? And of coarse they include the bible and it was just awful. We needed an extra high chair and they said oh yea we have one that just came in there was black mold all over it ! I am sure that they wouldn't put their children in that chair. It was things like that, I always felt less than. I was a single mom with two babies and there was no celebrating, no meal train for months, no nothing and I didn't let it affect me. I loved every minute of being a mom and taking care of them. I just wanted them to be celebrated and loved and admired and that didn't happen. Even today I don't get to share how amazing that they are, there are not grandparents and friends and people that are involved to see the people that they are becoming and that is hard on this momma's heart. They deserve all the celebration that there is to give. So it's nothing about being jealous, I can celebrate friends and their babies all day, it's just in the quiet moments I miss that my babies didn't get those celebrations and we were not loved and celebrated.
I heart your heart.
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