Things no one asked

This yes this. This has been a long time coming. I am tired that no one asks what happened to me but is there to defend and make excuses. This is about no one else but me, what I experienced how I was treated.  I will not say my story for fear of others when it mattered they were not there. There are no excuses in this place.  No one asked me what happened , how my heart was affected and that is a problem.  This is the looming thing has gotten in between friendships and forevers and my heart does not understand.  Not one person cared to ask what happened , if I was ok if I needed anything, oh a theme in my life!!!  I forgot she was the big hero saving me from my miserable life, I was  the villain the less than taking up space in her house.  I was a nothing from the beginning, I tried to ignore tried to not see it because I didn't have many other options.  I was desperate and I needed something else.  Life was hell, I was getting sick and crying all the time,  things were not good for the kids where we were.  I was not respected from the very beginning and again those things were not talked about, because it was so bad before, those little things were easy to look over.  Often she was asked how are things going and she would say : I can't believe how easy it is,  like I wouldn't have things any other way they are going really well.  Sure there were little things for me,but I was just supposed to be grateful ;how we were treated  really didn't matter.  Because things were so bad before I left I overlooked a lot. In the beginning things were truly great.    And then things went badly quickly, in so many ways now and the disrespect was blatant.  And it began to break my heart,  but in the situation she was all that mattered;  she was the big hero remember. So I put up with it all never saying a word because I was JUSt supposed to be grateful, it didn't matter how we were being treated.  I am grateful for some of the things that she did for me for a time I was grateful for that place and there was a time that it more than hurt my heart.  When I became more of a person my feelings were overlooked and I became an outsider.  She changed, wanted a boyfriend and I was getting in the way.  That was huge and the beginning of the end. Words were always spoken if you need help or can't watch Truman there are plenty of people to help.  And then I did that, I asked for help and that was the reason it was all over.  She just couldn't do it anymore.  YOU, can't do it anymore, my children and I were eating in parking lots because you and your boyfriend were on the couch and it was so known that we were in the way, and not wanted.    Yes she was seen as the hero, but I was also used,  the more that she changed I was expected to pick up the slack, watch Truman for all of her trips Personal,  work, sleepovers from some dating site.  Not once was I asked if I was ok. Not once.  I did all those things because I was grateful.  When time goes on and I got a full time job and had my own responsibilities I was expected to still care for hers.   There are so many things that I don't even know how to put into words,  there are many things I want to slam her for, and that doesn't do anyone any good.  In all those people that never heard me or cared to ask how I was are already lost.  They chose the hero,  and I have to learn to walk away because there were many that were never my friends they were friends to the hero, I was just the villain,leech, victim, poor thing, pick what works. There were times I was laughed at and made fun and I cried with such shame ; but I  was still grateful.  My things were placed in the front yard and washed down, every box was gone through things thrown away that others didn't think we needed.  I was still grateful.  I will always be grateful,  but there are also things that were not ok that made me feel less of a person than I ever had.  There were pieces of my heart that were broken that I will never forget. My fears were laughed at, my heart was unimportant, I was good for dishes and babysitting, in the end I lost.  I lost so much and no one has ever cared to notice, I lost people; people that  I thought I had.  But they were never mine to begin with.  The people that I did have, well yes she managed her way in because that is what she does. Things went down hill quickly, I got a real job and had more responsibility at work,  being a substitute is something totally different than a full time teacher and that was not understood.  When I finally asked for help that was the beginning of the end.  Making the table where we all ate smaller, removing chairs ; there were no longer a place for us all to sit down.  So many signs. So much passive aggressive and I was still grateful.  There were so many things that others can not even begin to understand.  The disrespect, I understand that it wasn't my home but I was also a person.  So many things broke my heart and when someone is a friend they don't laugh in your face at your fears, they think about your feelings.  In the end I got in the way, nothing was shared, there was no conversation, there was no sharing,  we were seen as something that got in the way.   I found a real job and was working on getting my own place.  Even when my leaving wasn't on her time frame, it didn't go over well.  So much hurt, not once was I asked about anything.  Not by anyone there were only offers of excuses for her and things about her point of view that was not ok. What about me ? What about how I was treated???   What bothered me most is that she was always the hero and not one person asked me about my experiences or feelings.  NOT EVEN ONCE. And when I was strong enough to leave on my timeline I lost more than I ever gained.  The things that I once believed were so real were a plague of lies and once again I was left. I am still more than grateful and at the same time confused and sad; how I was treated was not ok,  and I know that.  I was not even close to perfect,  but I deserved to be treated with the respect that any one of her fucking fake friends was treated. This just so much this.

Always grateful, I heart your heart.