"Becoming an independent person is a development stage that occurs before age seven and continues to be enhanced depending on support systems. The best environment for a child to develop independence is one that has safety nets that encourages risk-taking. Encouragement to make decisions and permission to disappoint are vital to our development. But if we haven’t experienced that nurturing environment as a child, it is difficult to capture as an adult. Instead we are likely to focus on pleasing others and looking for acceptance. Taking responsible risks may not be our strength. If we know that is the case, we can start practicing in little ways. Baby steps will help us grow. After all, healing is a new-birth." This was a quote from Talking Trees that I saw today. I think it literally broke my heart.
This is it in words. When I was so hurt in those critical stages there are things that I never got to experience, that I never got to practice. There are so many times that trying to fill those gaps as an adult is so very difficult. We see a child that needs those things and they are often given them freely. Others are more patient and kind. But When you are an adult and have missed those things trying to get them you are looked at as les then, people are confused because as an adult you should know some of these things but you don't and trying to learn them on your own I have found to be most painful. You know how a child has to do things over and over and slowly it comes to them they understand and take it as part of who they are. But as an abused child I never got that patience I never got that practice, I was just trying to survive nightly abuse there was no time to practice needed life skills.
So as an adult on top of all the life things that needs to get done; a survivor is also trying to play catch up on all the life that was missed out on. That is more than difficult because survivors more often than not suffer in silence so we seem off, we seem distant, we seem odd but really we are struggling to fit in to be where others are in life. Because for me I am so far behind I am not sure that there will be a time when I am completely caught up, I can say that I have come a long way. I can see pieces that I have missed and the things that I still have to learn, I am not as clueless as i once was. But and that is a huge BUT that there are pieces that I am not sure I will ever learn because people don't want to stay and help an adult learn things that they should have gotten as a child. That is a hard place for others to understand. Things that are so commonplace so second nature. For me as a survivor its not second nature in any sense of the word. 
I see that for me in my connection to people. There are so many things missing in my connection to other people. I think of a two year old that throws a fit because they are scared to be left. They are scared that the person who loves them and takes care of them is not going to come back. Really picture that in your head. A full blown tantrum. And as adults we know that people come back that the people that love us come back and they stay.
As a survivor those people that are supposed to love you only hurt you then leave. I know for me I was raped, hurt, abused in every way then I was left on my own to clean up, to cry, to try to forget and go on with life. In doing that I have looked for people that I could hold on to my entire life. I always write about a forever. I think for many people that is a parent or spouse. When neither of those is an option I am often left out in the cold, an outsider only able to look in and imagine. If I find someone and they are kind and understanding and truly there I become that 2 year old clinging on for dear life. Only the sad part I am not 2 I am 43 and those feelings that longing is not understood because at 43 those feelings should be long gone but they are not. A 43 year old heart just doesn't understand why people don't stay. And it becomes a cycle for me. There have been some constants in my life, and with almost 100% accuracy they leave. I am a too much, to needy person because people can not or I guess won't understand the woman that is before them with these two year old feelings. And that is so much where I get stuck. In so many ways I am right there with the woman my age. Then there are ties I think oh my goodness I am more than behind and I don't have a clue how to catch up.
No maybe there is no timeline but it is hurtful and sad to be left out for much of a life that began to late and had so much taken. So we fight, we fight for dear life and someday I hope to find all the pieces that I need, that I never got that were broken before they had a chance to fit anywhere.
I heart your heart.
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