It doesn't work like that

You know it just doesn't happen like that, you don't tell  people you were raped and then they come out of the woodwork to support you.  I was watching 13 reasons why and , I am not usually affected by shows but today was so different.   In my experience you tell and everyone runs, points fingers and places blame. In my experience I was not supported and loved. In some cases people didn't know how in other cases I was accused of lying since I was the chubby kid who just wanted attention.  Those things hurt. Those things change who you are and last a lifetime.  Those are the things that a person can't forget.  SO I see these fairytale movies with these happy endings and being surrounded by love and given all this support it makes me want to scream, because for me that was not the case and makes me more than sad.  There was a scene after she walks out from being with the detective and al her friends are there and she is supported and they all encircle her.  I can tell you pressing charges doesn't work like that.  I think for me it brought up just how alone that I was , just how alone that I often feel in this.  I go weeks and I find no need to talk about it, its not a part of my everyday.  Then there are other days and those days are the rough ones.  These are the days when I question everything, when I hate just how alone that I was.  These days are less than they have ever been but they still exist and being alone on those hard days is more than hard.  Because there isn't anyone to go to or to talk to in those days.  So on those days I may write, I may blog, I may la in bed and wait for those moments to be over.
 

There were some along the way that were there that supported, but that is the exception and not the rule.  Sometimes there are movies that seem to just slap your past right in your face and as you move away from it, you see things different.  Now I still see the things that happened as an outsider. I still see things outside looking in.  I think that I always will, because it hurts to much to see it as any other way.  There are days that I want to go back I want to scream at those people that didn't believe me.  I want to scream at those that stood by and pointed fingers.  The thing about being raped is that there are things that a person can never get back.  A person is changed forever and I really think that this is something that I will learn and go through forever.  I think that the bad days will get less and less but I think there will always be days.  There will be things I can never get my head around.  There will be things that I can never put words to.  There will be moments when I get stuck as that scared hurt girl. I feel that there will always be things.  There will always be ways that I am affected and it's all about living in the moment and dealing with things as they come.  Some days I will be ok, other days I won't.  I think the hardest part is just doing it myself.  It would be amazing at times just to have that person to lean on.  Just to know that you, I, didn't/dont have to carry that load all on my own.

I guess I can be grateful that these shows are bringing things to light that they are talking about them.  And everyone's experience is so totally different.  I am sure that mine is all compacted by other abuses that occurred because for me that was life. I was meant for people to hurt.  It's so normal in my life, I was meant to be hurt, raped, used that was my normal and there was a quote "Pain changes People"  and that is so fitting.  Things that happened to me early on in life normalized the things that happened later. 

Even Vincent came in my room while it was on and asked "Do those things really happen in school ?"  And I want to tell him in so many ways yes.  And I just said yes and the conversation continues and he asked why people don't tell and why don't people do things and I told him because they are not supported and taken care of.  That often you are not treated kindly.  I am more than glad that Vincent doesn't understand.  For me as his mom as they begin high school in a few weeks I am terrified.  I have to remind myself, that what I lived is so different from my own children. The life that they have lived is different.  There has to be a lot of separating going on and I am sure that is also pulling at my heart. 

I am sure that I am blabbing, there are so many thoughts and emotions.  Maybe someday I will get this old tattered heart of mine figured out and taken care of. Someday. Someday.

I heart your hart.