To be loved

This is a struggle a huge struggle.  I can remember someone telling me once that God would give me the things that I crave and long for in this life.  I can tell you that I don't believe that.  That comment made me angry coming from a person whose life , is somewhat perfection.  I feel strange saying that there is no perfect life but in every sense of the word, and in many ways it is..  It's not fair for a person to say that to someone who is drowning, and then leave them.



I want to be a first, a most important, a forever person for someone in this life.  I want a forever someone who will care for my heart how I care for theirs.  I love with all that I am. I give until I have nothing left.  Different then the love of my children.  I want a love to know that I am the most important thing for another human being.  I want someone to see me as all the things that I don't see, so that maybe one day I can see the things that he does.

Love is such a fragile thing.  I think of the love for my children and there is nothing stronger or more real . The love that I have for them is beyond any amount of measure. There is nothing like it, there were loved from the second that I knew I was pregnant they will forever and always come first.

I feel terrible that I want that kind of love for myself.  I want someone to love all of me the good the bad and the ugly. I want someone who can sit in the silence, hold me in the crushing, laugh in the ordinary and hold on through it all and STILL love all those pieces even the most broken ones , and the most ugly.  I want those things more than anything and I fear that those are things not meant for someone like me.  I am a little too much of everything. I can not even have a  forever friend love me over all others,  I guess maybe that I am asking for too much.

I am not sure that I believe in happily ever after anymore. There is a piece of me that does but its so very small. I believed in that for so long but I am finding that there is no prince charming there is no forever. I want to be that important person for someone and I am not sure that I ever will be.  That is more than sad.  I don't understand why.  I am not giving up on someday getting the love that I want,  but it is something that more often than not seems completely out of reach.  I want to be important to someone, I want to be their choice I want to love them and care for their heart and know that my heart will receive the same.  I once thought that I believed in forever and have learned well I am still learning that when I thought that forever existed it didn't.  I thought that I had it and even told him that it broke my heart I couldn't go to him anymore, no kindness came back and I knew in that moment; What I thought was forever was gone.  And that was just a friend that I thought would be there always.  If I can't find a forever friend how in the world am I ever to find a forever love.  Yes, my heart is fragile it is.  My heart has been through a lot and a person must be gentle, thoughtful and understanding.

Yes. This. I want someone to be that person that will hold my heart and I will have no doubt that my heart would forever and always be taken care of.  And I do not at all expect to get that love just because.  I will always give that love, I have always given that love to others but I want that love for me.   I want someone there to be on my side forever always watching out for my tender heart and but that my tender heart was just a beautiful as the next strongest heart walking on the street.  I want someone to see my tender, bruised heart as the most important heart to keep safe and sound.  That's what I want.

I don't want to give up,  I want to believe that it is somewhere out there for me, but it gets more than hard to believe because of the life that I am in. I just want a forever heart just for me.


I heart your heart .