And I am trying to be joyful and happy and look at things all positive and truth is I am not sure that I am winning. I take a few steps forward and even more back It makes me sad that I am always behind, that there are always things that I don't understand. That there are not those automatic people to call and ask my questions too. There are always things that scare me, that give me a view of the world as unkind and hurtful. And that is something I believe that I will always try to shake but I also believe that there are always going to be pieces of that alive and well deep in my soul. Part of running that one legged race.
I just fight and fight and sometimes always running that race with out people, with out understanding with out compassion is like carrying the weight of the world. Believe me I know that I do not, I know that others have it worse, a life like mine is lived differently. I know that I am not alone, but trusting someone with my heart, believing that people can understand me not just today or tomorrow but for a long time, maybe even a life time too much to ask ? MAYBE IT IS . And many people, most people get tired and loose their compassion they forget where I have come from or don't care at all. How easy it is to forget those that run a one legged race when others are in for the sprint. I don't want to hold anyone back, that is never my intention, I just want people to remember the kind of race that I run.
When you have the severity of trauma that I have, that i know all too well, there are limits to compassion. I have experienced it my entire life. Maybe no one is at fault, maybe everyone is at fault, maybe its something else, any way, it still hurts. People don't realize that, that one time that they were there and saw you crying and gave you a hug, that after they left, it still really hurts. It doesn't go away that quickly. It hurts to the point of painful and it will still hurt for a long time. People want to give you a hug and say there there all better only its not. I do understand that it takes a lot to be a friend with someone with a trauma like mine, but it is necessary, we need friends and we need someone around. We need you to ask if we are ok, we may shrug and need an arm around us letting us know that its all-right, that you aren't going anywhere that tomorrow will be better. I need to know That when I need another hug next week, you will still be there . Not judging not thinking I am crazy, but just being there. Not one hug can fix all that I am working on, not one year, not just one anything its a journey; a process, and I do not at all want someone to stop their own race. I hope that no one ever hears me say that. I just want people to remember where I have come from, why I see the things the way I do and stop just every now and then to make sure that I am ok. I do not intend to make others stop their race I just need them to understand the kind of race that I face, and how very differently that I run mine. And its a race that I fight to run, every second.
I can apologize for how I am; until I am blue in the face and still my heart will be the same. I can't keep saying sorry for things that I am working on with all that I am. I hate that I keep loosing people, I hate that I am not different, that people don't stay around. But I do believe I have found a few more people that are willing to stay and I I have to hold on to that, as I run my very own one legged race, fighting to win this battle. I just ask that people not loose compassion and understanding, I fight battles you can not even comprehend. I ask for a little more kindness, a little more understanding that the one who runs with two feet. I may be slower , but I am still here.
I heart your heart.
