Church, God and the Dalai Lama

I am not a person that knows much about religion and the stories of the bible and the meanings behind them I am a person of experience.  I am a person that cautiously looks at what is around me and then I make my own decision.  I do not go by what people say, or what I am supposed to be believing. I ask a lot of questions and then still more questions, and then lots of thinking .  Church for me growing up was not a good thing.  I saw way too many hypocrites and I DID not understand.  I saw the same people that hurt me go to the alter and receive communion.  I saw people being cruel and judgmental. It was the boy Don,  that I met at  Sunday morning service who later broke into my home, but I was the one that had done something wrong.  I was often the recipient of others cruel words, in anything church related.  I didn't follow the rules and asked too many questions, I wanted to understand, they just wanted me to follow everything they said. It was a youth group leader who didn't believe me when I finally told of my abuse and She then made sure that the entire church knew that I was lying; I just wanted attention is what she told everyone.  I can remember faking sleeping in the morning not to have to go to church with these people.  They were not  real kind or genuine and I wanted nothing to do with them. They were everything that I hated, everything that I never wanted to be. And those were just the people, and I kept thinking what kind of god is this ?  What kind of god lets these things happen.  What kind of god lets a five year old pray to die each and every night as prayers are said ?  This was a god that I wanted nothing to do with.  There was my father who would be this happy ,kind, helpful man at church and my family got the F u's on the way home from church, then the silent treatment for days on end. These were what I saw of the "church" these are the things that I experienced.

The first book that began to touch my heart was Peace is Every Step by Thich Nach Hahn.  I was in my teens and doing things on my own.  I was quiet and withdrawn in my own little fairy tale world where whales were my saving grace. Nature was my refuge. It was a such a peaceful book that spoke to me.  It was about kindness and about feeling the earth below you.  TO this day I will go back and read parts of that book.  The parts that most touch my heart.  During some of the hardest moments in my life, this is the book that got me through.  This is the book that I held onto when all else failed.   I had lived for so long doing everything on my own and this book was a new beginning a new world for me. It gave me something to hold onto.  One of the stories talks about a dandelion holding your smile for you, until you can smile again.  And at least if you can see that the dandelion is holding it for you then things are not so bad.  I still have that page marked and probably read it almost every week. It was a way for me to find kindness when there was not any in my life. It gave me something to hold onto, and I was desperate.  I wanted to believe in something so I came to believe in the world around me, the trees, the sun, the ocean, the whales, the animals, each and every one of them.   That in turn led me to lots of reading and lots of research and I was led to the Dalai Lama.  Oh my heart he was all about peace and kindness.  So what my soul needed.  He was not all about religion and what you should do he was about kindness and again that is what I longed for and that was meant for my heart.  There were no strict rules, there was no judging there was acceptance and kindness.  Just simple acceptance and kindness.  I have many little Buddha's all around room.  Its a little funny when I was moving and a friend was helping me pack.  She said can I ask you a question ?  And me who loves questions said sure! She asked about all my Buddha's and I said that it was a time when that was all that I had.  That was the only kindness that I knew and that was my life line.  I said that I believe in God but there is a connection to something that kept my heart intact though all of the unseen.  Its amazing that my loves, my beliefs are all coming together and becoming the place that I am in.   I needed the Dalai Lama and that kindness and that spirit of non violence and acceptance.  And as I made that leap and entered that Church in my thirties, I needed those families in that time and that place. To have that belonging meant more than words can describe. 

 

    

    I can remember being with my grandmother and talking about this new amazing book that I was reading and a friend of hers was all over me because it didn't talk about god, hid god.  He was not very kind, and was not even willing to see how good that this book was for me.  God was something that was far away.  He was something untouchable and  not necessarily unkind but not kind either.  I think I saw him as a bystander just watching as the world crumbled. As my world was falling apart I imagined that he was doing nothing,    He was not something that was in my heart, in my bones; it was something else something unreal and far away.  I had decided that my life experiences were something unthinkable and I didn't want to believe in a god that let such things happen.  I would not believe in something that would let children suffer.  I wanted nothing to do with god or religion or any kind of church.  That was only reinforced with the scandal in the church with priests hurting and abusing children.  And yet other officials knowing what was being done and just moving those priests around to different parishes, Really, how sick is that ? Then was the time when truth showed its face, when I believe with all that I am I ended up exactly where I was supposed to be......And it was the little things....

It wasn't until my early thirties that I saw a real church with real kind people that were all the things that I was looking for all the things that I needed.  My first experience with a real church was seeing a play.  And the most special person that played an Angel.  That angel led me to learn what church really was and  in time who God was.  He showed me who God was by being the real kindness that I needed.     It was the little things that he did consistently , the kindness, my questions, my attitude, my disbelief and his refusal to never give up on me.  He had asked me to church a number of times with his family and finally I said I would love to come to church and see the play.  I mean it was just a play, and I joked that lightning may strike, and tornadoes may ensue but I said that I would go.  And it was awesome, and that little thing that meant the most is on his way out, leaving the scene, he turned and gave a little wave.  Just a little wave letting me know that I was noticed, that meant so much.  I remember things so vivid and that moment still makes me cry.  He didn't let me fade in, he noticed.  I learned so many things.  I met his wife and shared life with his family.  He was my lifeline; my training wheels for a long time. I learned to see God in a new light.  I found a real church a real family with the most amazing people.

I am not at all about religion, I do not like the rules the regulations I am not about conforming to what others believe.  Though I am a very spiritual person. I see greatness in the small things that surround me, in the clouds, in the little birds, in laughing people.  I see things different, I always have.  I see God all around me, I see him in the birds, in all kinds of ways and places.  I see him in the sunrise and the sunset.  I see him in a father taking care of his children, I see him in my children when they ask how I am and make sure that I am OK. I have seen him more these last few months that I could have ever imagined in a friend calling me family, in being offered an amazing home to live in . In the pieces of my life that are falling into place, into my grades, my financial aide in more things that I can even imagine.  Its in things that I can not even begin to explain or understand.  I talk about when I found my first real church, and if I didn't find that place I never would have met Catrina.  The patchwork of lives and times and people is more than amazing and more than I can explain in words, EVER.  Today I do believe in God, he is in my bones because I was shown the realness and kindness of him in some most important people who took the time to walk with me.  Since I made the decision to leave that place that was once my church home.  I went to church once and it was not scary, it felt good, it was not my cup of tea, the man yelled often and looked like the banker from Mary Poppins, but I was with amazing people and that made the difference.  I was ready to try again and Christmas Eve I went to services and I felt good.  It was huge and there were people everywhere, but I was comfortable.  Someone reached out and asked me to go and be with her family and I was ready.  It was comforting, it was real, it was true and I felt something that I haven't felt for a long time.  And the pastor talked about people exactly where they are.  And that is where I am exactly where I am.  When I left my first church I had people tell me, its my duty to make sure that we find you a church, I made people promise not to let me fall through the cracks because I knew that I would not find another church quickly.  My heart was too hurt by church I had just left, there was nothing left to look for another place where I belonged. So things changed people moved and promises were broken and I had left even the idea of finding a church.  Once again I was on my own. I was out of sight out of mind.  It takes so much out of me to find a place that fits my heart to find a real place that I fit and can belong.  And to make that heart breaking decision to leave that place that was no longer the church I once knew and to have the people that I loved break their promises was really really hard.  I am going to go back to the church that I visited on Christmas Eve.  Because I am ready.  Because I think its time. It is that book that kept my heart, it is the people that i met that healed my soul , and it is the newness and true people that are in my life now that have gotten me where I am.  I believe in the Dali Lama and what he stands for and his heart of pure kindness is more than I can explain.  I believe in God, and am grateful each and every day where I am , the things that I have accomplished, the lives that I touch, and the life that I live.  Things are still hard and so unsure but I believe

 I am on the right path.  I believe that I am where I am supossed to be. I believe so many things...

 

Church is something that is more complicated for me than you can possibly imagine.  Because like so many I am not about all the rules and rituals.  I am about kindness and being who I am.  I am about being accepted where I am.  I will always keep my book Peace is Every Step close because it kept me together, it was a part of my journey I will believe in the Dalai Lama because that is where I found peace when I had none.  I  believe in God because I see how far I have come and that would not have been possible on my own.  I can not join a church and pretend I have the answers, I don't have any.  I know that I want to belong to a place that can take my questions, that can accept my heart exactly as it is and not try to change it to fit what they believe.  I am different, always have been always will be and that just is. I see and experience things differently because of where I have been.  I am more than grateful every day to be where I am.  I have bad days, days of doubt.  I have days when I think OK God I can not take another hurdle yet with each hurdle something else comes that I never expected.  I am a work in progress and all of these things are a part of me.  I am working on my relationship with God, I know how I want to see him as I see the Dhali Lama that's how I want to see him and I am working on that. 

I have so very many questions, I am observing, I am learning and I have to believe that I have gotten here and I am sure that ahead me there are going to be so many more amazing things that I can not even believe.  There was once a day I shrugged off God, now he is in my bones.  There was once a day I imagined tornadoes and lighting if I walked in to a church.  There was once a time all I had was a book written by a Zen Master.  NOW I have all of those things and each one has played such a role,been there for such a time when I needed them.  There are so many more things for me to learn and I miss those people that started this journey with me, but I can do it on my own because of all that they gave me, and how they shared their own hearts.  I believe, yes I believe and someday someday someday the right person will come and walk on this journey with me again.  There is a time and place for everything.  I know for sure that I am blessed, that I am where I am supposed to be with someone who wants to understand where I come from, who wants to understand my experiences and that is greatness.  Its this person that is walking with me as I move to the next step as I write the next chapter.  Here we go my friends, and hang on this is one ride that you will never ever forget . My heart is open and in a different place than it has ever been before I heart your heart all my friends that have journeyed with me,  so much more is to come, so much more........  

Voyage toward truth.....My Truth. It's really Happening

Well WOW! there are so many things that are on my heart that are absolutely bursting to come out. This may take awhile so please get comfy. So many blessings  have been placed on my journey these last few months. More than I could have ever imagined  They have been rough, more than rough really but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I have had amazing amazing people around me that have cared for my heart and soul . Things are happening, good things and I am shocked, I am grateful, I am blessed beyond measure and I am truly with all that I am going to make it.  Big really big things happened, and little small things like an email happened and they have all touched my heart and I for once know that I am on the right path.  I am well aware that there is more work to do, more to accomplish but finally in this moment I can see some of my hard work has paid off. 

There is the family drama and my mother not wanting us in her house anymore.

There is the drama with school, did I pass did I fail. In less than three weeks I start my final semester of student teaching, and becoming a real live teacher ! Ha I am graduating with a degree, the only person ever to graduate college in my family !

There was the scary situation of my financial aide.  It being denied.  A friend sticking up for me, a friend paying for my semester and finally getting approved again for my last semester.

Then there is my heart. Its in repair but that's a major advancement.

So where do I begin.   There are just so many things that I want to say.   Lets start back in August. No lets start with September.  Things were getting worse daily with my mom.  She hated us being there and never missed the chance to let us know. Everything that we did and the space that we took up bothered her. I was sinking fast.  Then I got an email from someone asking us over for dinner that she wanted to talk with me about some things.  I immediately said yes.  Something that I never do, I don't want to bother anyone , be a pest but I said yes right away.  Strange right ?, but I did.  Well a few days later I found an email that was written to my mother and it was not kind. It was one of those things that can not be unseen.  It was written by someone at her church and it was more than hurtful it was mean and cold, I read it and couldn't breathe.  I was working so hard not to make her mad and to keep our things away from her and on and on and on.  But things were just getting unbearable.  I was getting sick all the time from nerves. The headaches were unbelievable, I was crumbling, there was nothing left of me.  Life was not good for the kids either; everything they did bothered her, and even they knew that they were no longer wanted in the house that they were born in.  I was yelling at the kids for being kids leaving their things around because I knew that we were not wanted, all that work trying to keep the peace but nothing ever worked.  I was also very aware that my last year of school was starting and I just kept telling myself to hold on that I was almost there. I looked into some places for single mothers to stay and the kids were always too old.  I kept telling myself  just this year, this is the last year, you can do this its OK.  Nothing was OK, not one thing, but what was I supposed to do?  I saw the email my mother received the day that I was supposed to have dinner with Catrina.  I was so close to canceling like phone in my hand cancel, but knew I could not  on such late notice, I couldn't be rude.  I didn't know her very well  at all, but I knew she had blessed me more than words and I needed to go there for dinner.  SO I wiped the tears got myself together and we went for dinner.  I brought Italian shells and a salad I think , and she was making cookies when we got there. Chocolate chip and M&M's.  She was redoing her dining room and was assembling the most amazing shiny Chandelier.  I do not remember much of the conversation at first , she was busy trying to get things done, get the light put up then she stopped.  She looked at me and said I just have to say this. I just have to get this out because its driving me crazy. She said that I had been on her heart for some time. She said that she had been thinking, and that she has this entire house and asked if the kids and I would like to move in. That she was giving us the option while I finish school and get a job.  And I was shocked, I was surprised, I was speechless.  And I cried LOTS.  The very weird thing is I can remember thinking as we drove up what if we could call this place home ?  I know SOOOO strange.  I mean I totally do not drive up to someones house and think Hey, I could live here. But as automatic as it is to breathe that was my first thought.  And we talked and I asked her why me.  And we talked some more. We sat outside in the warm night and watched the lightning, the kids built forts and played and my kids got to be kids.  She showed me around her house, saying we could use this room and that room and how she could move things around that we could put our stuff in the garage and she could park her car out front. The things that she was willing to change and move around for us was completely overwhelming. She was willing to give up so much for my family, my heart was confused I think. When family treats you not so nicely and a person that you barely know offers to give you so much, , its something like stepping on warm sand, there is a peace, a kindness that I had not had in a long time.  The kindness was oozing from that house and I had not had that in a very long time.  Then on the way out Truman said something about us staying forever.  Catrina and I looked at each other. And he had no clue what Catrina was going to ask or anything  ?  WOW.  People don't get chances like this,  things like this don't happen to people like me. I didn't even know her that well, I knew that I always looked up to her, I thought she was pretty amazing but I never imagined to be given such a gift.  And we talked a few times we set a date for us to move in.  I canceled  once; worried about how everything was going to work.  And I decided that NO, this was right, this is what we were supposed to do and I said lets keep the date lets do it, as I was shaking in my boots !  And talk about a giant leap for me, into unknown territory. And more pieces fell into place.  I packed and packed.  I had people help me pack, they brought boxes and tape and paper to keep my things safe.  I had begun the Journey. I was on my way , a new beginning.....

So as I prepared to move and start repairing my world and healing my heart.  I also started my methods classes and observation of my last year of college.  And the kids started fourth grade.  Things were so very busy.  I was overwhelmed the very first week of school. Getting the kids up early, driving close to two hours each way to get the kids to school and me to school. There was so much work, so many assignments and I wasn't sure that I was going to make it.  It seemed that no matter which way I turned there was a battle to be fought and I was exhausted.  My mother decided that since we had moved out she was totally going to wash her hands clean of us .  She knew that during student teaching I would only be able to work on Fridays and yet she said oh sorry gas money I can't.  She shrugged her shoulders and did not care.  There were assignments that I missed papers that I lost.  Seriously I was a mess.  Nothing was organized, my brain was trying to be in over a hundred places when it needed to be at school and it was overwhelming.  I turned many assignments in late and I would have to apologize often, there were no excuses no way that I could explain what was happening.  I tried to keep smiling tried to keep it all going but CRICKEY, the tears flowed often and many and I felt like I was walking in circles ALL THE TIME.  Math was the hardest, and everything usually seemed to crumble the time that his class came around.  I would totally forget about assignments, my computer never worked when I needed it too in class. I forgot that I was supposed to present my BIG LESSON! I mean seriously who does that!   So I had thirty minutes to prepare and I had to give my lesson.  I just wanted to curl up in the corner and life just wouldn't let me.  Mess, just a bunch of mess and there was nothing else that i could do there were no reserves, I was empty there was very little left of me, if anything.  But in true Sherri fashion I kept going kept fighting.  And I came close to failing that math class.  But I worked my hiney off to recover and towards the end of the semester I somehow got all of my assignments turned in.  I somehow managed to keep it together enough, and I ended up with all A's and I even passed that crazy math class with a C.  It was a C but that is one C that I am more than proud of.  I did it I finished the semester and with not bad grades either.  I met some amazing people this semester. Some People that I could live with out, other people that I will never forget.  People that I will always keep in touch with.  As the semester went on, my heart healed a little, it had some room to weep, there was lots of kindness and my heart is on its way back.  I was scared that I wouldn't make it out of this semester and i didn't have a clue what I was going to do, but I also know that I was working as hard as I possibly could and things really needed to be OK for me.  And they were.  Even not being able to register for classes, that was an easy fix too. I can say that now but when I heard the words from Tim Sutton that I was dropped from the teacher Education program,  I am sure that I turned white as a ghost.  WHAT IN THE WORLD!?! another hurdle, come on people !!!! But an easy fix go talk with my advisor and all will be well.  Things are moving forward, I have kindness, I have a peaceful home, my kids are getting to be kids,  I start student teaching that's a miracle.  I have gas things are OK, and for once I can see that things have happened for a reason, not all of them but at least some of them. Each one for their own reason and I am further on this journey than I have ever been before.

There was the scary situation with Financial Aide.  I did not have a clue how I was going to even pay for my last year of school.  UNT had said that I was taking too long to finish and had two many hours and still no degree so they were not offering any more aid.  I tried to get loans, tried to get cosigners and I get a message asking how much school will cost and what I have left and I get a note in the mail telling me not to give up hope and a check for tuition.  A check for my final semester.  My heart was growing.  You know that part of the Grinch where he falls on the ground and grabs his heart because he realizes its growing yep that is exactly what if felt like.  Someone cared enough and could see how important it was for me to finish and they provided a check.  There are no words its beyond grateful, beyond any blessing.  Then there was the realization that what I thought would pay for the entire last year, paid for one semester and I could...not...believe...it.  What in the world was I going to do.  Personal loans were not an option, and no co signer things were crazy.  I didn't have a clue what i was going to do.  And a dear friend asked if I was covered under the American with disabilities act because of my PTSD.  She said you need to be covered and appeal financial aide.  Amazing people came through, filled out all the forms and I was approved and accepted in the ODA office and received accommodations for the semester.  It was hard to admit though.  I try to be so strong and I don't want to be affected by my past, but truth be told I am and might always be I am just going to have to accept that.  That's also a new place that I am in, more on that later.  SO I spilled my guts to the worker , told them that I was overwhelmed that there was no room left in my head and people listened. People understood and  made things happen.  its one thing to know that you are affected bu trauma but to have others in school know that, it was hard but worth it.  And with being covered under that I again appealed my financial aid.  I sent all my paperwork in wrote a crazy long letter telling them everything they didn't want to hear but they needed to know. I wanted them to know that I wasn't making excuses but there are things in my life that have made being a student exceptionally hard.  I had not heard anything from financial aide so I called and asked if there was anything that I needed to do, and asked the status of my appeal.  That was about 9 am.  The guy was super nice said oh yea well no one has looked at it, so basically my appeal my life story was sitting on some fax machine but he was kind said he would get it sent to the correct people and that it should be taken care of shortly.  That people were in and out of the office but within a few days I should know something and told me to call back next week.  That after noon I got a call from a Tiffany.  I called right back left a message my voice shaking what was she going to tell me.  She would have no clue what was riding on this decision.  NO return call.  I called first thing in the morning, I didn't want to be a pest but if there was something that I needed to do, I wanted to get it done.  And at 10:24 the next day I answered the phone and it was Tiffany and she said I wanted you to know that I approved your financial aide.  And she let me know what I need to do and that everything would be taken care of.  There are no words, I wanted to put my arms up and dance and say thank you,  It was more than amazing and i am sure when I see her and fill out that final form I will cry, she has no idea that gift that she gave me as I complete this semester.  This is what I was meant to do and yet another piece is falling into place.  Piece after piece is gently and kindly falling exactly where its supposed to be and that is an amazing feeling.



And then there is my heart.  Oh yea, there have been such low lows and such high highs.  I have been more than blessed by people that don't know me, that are not my family.  And I have been hurt beyond repair from people who call themselves family.  Its been ever so confusing and hard.  My mother would watch the kids after school two days a week and it was rough really rough, I could feel my stomach turn as I made it to her house, often the kids were in tears, because of comments that were made that hurt my children's hearts.  In turn my heart was hurt and the most I usually got was a shrug of the shoulders.  In this I am learning to do whats best for my family for my children and I.   I am trying to keep smiling.  I am realizing that what I thought my healing was going to look like looks nothing like it at all.  I had visions of erasing my past and it not mattering at all, not hurting at all anymore, and honestly that is not an option.  That is not even a choice.  All of the things that I have been through all have some point some reason many I have not figured out yet, many I am not sure that I ever will.  I do know that I am where I am supposed to be, things are happening that are good for me and I am with people that care.  My heart hurts often, but its not as painful anymore.  I am trying to get over the last few years with my mother the damage that she has done , and can see nothing that she does is wrong.  My past is always going to be there, its not going anywhere.  There are going to be days when my past is really big and going forward, that's just how it is.  The more that I heal the more that I realize that I am going to have to enjoy the seasons when its not a big deal and let myself have the seasons when it feels huge.  My past is things that can not be undone or unseen but I won't let it define me either.  Each step forward there will be different things that I realize; different pieces that will fall into place and I will continue going forward becoming better.  

I have two weeks of peace, two weeks of writing and reading and playing games, and watching TV and I am so looking forward to it all.  I finally finally feel like all my hard hard work is paying off and I am getting somewhere.  I am sure that I am going to put Christmas music on and be thankful.  I am going to sit in front of the tree, with some hot tea and try to let it all soak in.  I am so much further than I ever thought I would be.   There was once a time that I was dragging my past like a huge black weighted ball, today the ball is still there but its manageable, I can at least carry it instead of dragging it and someday, I hope to be able to set it down and move away. I do not know when that will be but I am closer today than what I have ever been.  I can not believe how hard that I have worked.  And I can not believe the feeling, of coming this far and being so close to teaching, of standing on my own two feet with my children.  I can not change the past, I can not change my mother, I can just care for my family and soon my classroom, and all the kids in my class.  Things are coming together, getting easier and I am sure there will be battles for me but if I can win those that are behind me I am sure I can win the ones that are ahead of me.  I know that two years from now I am going to look back and again not believe how far I have come even from today.  My journey has often been unthinkable but it is becoming something extraordinary.  Next time is realizing that I am that close and I need to fill out my graduation papers.  Me Sherri Callahan graduating, what a huge monumental thing.  I can not get my head around that.....I am going to be a college graduate HAHAHAHA !!!!! WOOHOO L:)

The picture that I started with is from Kelly Rae Roberts and was my Christmas Present.  It puts this moment where I am into words :  Voyage toward truth by Kelly Rae

She was on a voyage toward, truth , love & profound transformation.
 She found courage Amidst the Storms and faith in her sails as she left the safety of the harbor for freedom, Dreams & Possibility.

Pretty perfect if you ask me.  Pretty Perfect. I heart your heart.  What a journey.

This song is it.  Its the little piece of peace I have found. Enjoy !

 

When the truth hurts

For you guys that know me life has been crazy hard.  Not even talking about the past but even just about the last few months.  NO support from my mother, little jabs at me to my children its all been there.  I have struggled so much this semester at school.  There was just so much work and my head was not at all prepared.  I am usually so organized; so on top of everything and this semester I was NOT.  I lost papers, missed deadlines, forgot about assignments, screwed up lessons. I have snapped at classmates, and   Being completly honest I was a mess. I can't even tell you the number of days that I cried between classes, walking through the halls. I am sure that many of my assignmetns were stained with tears. Because on top of all the daily stresses there was the stress of my mother, the stress of my past, the stress that I put on myself to make sure that I make a life for Vincent and Mariska.  The stress that its the kids and I and I have to be everything.  The stresses that its me, that they don't have a dad that they are bringing that up more and more and I don't have any answers for them. 

Right now my heart hurts.  Its the holidays and my brother is not coming here for Christmas. That bothers me more than I would like to admit, because we laugh until our sides hurt and it feels so good.  I am getting paid back for doing what was right and staying here for thanksgiving.    I wanted it to be just the kids but for Vincent I asked my mother to come and spend Christmas morning with us.  I DID Not do this for me, I did it for Vincent.  As nasty as she has been to me, he misses her.  And having her close on Christmas will just plain hurt.  She is not kind to me and does not include Mariska unless its convenient.  This is everything that a family is not suppossed to be.  So I will be glad that my Vincent will be happy, and I will keep Mariska close.  Which brings us to the issue this morning.

Poor sweet Vincent melted this morning. We were talking about our plans for Christmas Eve and Vincent pipes in saying, "well, granny invited us to go to church with her ?" I responded a quick harsh no, that we were going to do something else.  He said well than can I go with her ? and this is where it got messy. This is where the truth hurts.

I told him no, that I was not going to that church, that people there have not been kind, I will not step foot in a place with people , my mother, that can post many christian godly things, talk about god and blessings  and still do the things that she has done.  I told him that I understood that he loved her but she has not been kind to me and I will not go to church with her.  I reminded him how I always talk about how you have to be the same all the time, whether you are at home or at church, and that you are the same person around people , you can not change to get your needs met.  I told him that granny has really hurt mom and that is not ok and I will not go to church with her. 

Wheh.......that truth hurts.  For Sweet Vincent I am so very sorry.

I am more than hurt by my mother and I am not sure there is anything left to save really.  I feel bad for her, what she is doing how she is treating me and my little family.  All the little jabs little comments to my children. She plays the oh poor me, everyone hates me card all the time.  Well your mom doesn't love me anymore, Well I hope I don't get crumbs for Christmas, well well well ......No the problem is that you didn't want us around more.  And I was blessed , for that to happen. I love her so very much that it just hurts to much to be around her. She has changed more than words,   I can send texts asking about the car, or if we need help and there is never a responce.  Car wouldn't start no responce.  Windshield wipers broke nothing.  There is just nothing there. She wants to turn me off and on whenever she feels the need and that just doesn't work for me.

So my focus needs to be on where I am going next.  I made it through this semester.  I made it, with all A's and a C in Math. I did it.  With help from people who care, people watching my kids before and after school,  with an amazing place to live, with money for gas, for kindness for caring I have somehow made it to where I am.  I am somehow still breathing.    I am somehow smiling most of the time. I am where I am suppossed to be, with the people that I am suppossed to be with.  I am so close to closing the door of college and graduating and doing what I love, what I know that I meant to do. These things are more than amazing, and I will be joyful for Vincent for Mariska and that we are meant to be happy, that there is great joy waiting for us around this new year corner.