When the truth hurts

For you guys that know me life has been crazy hard.  Not even talking about the past but even just about the last few months.  NO support from my mother, little jabs at me to my children its all been there.  I have struggled so much this semester at school.  There was just so much work and my head was not at all prepared.  I am usually so organized; so on top of everything and this semester I was NOT.  I lost papers, missed deadlines, forgot about assignments, screwed up lessons. I have snapped at classmates, and   Being completly honest I was a mess. I can't even tell you the number of days that I cried between classes, walking through the halls. I am sure that many of my assignmetns were stained with tears. Because on top of all the daily stresses there was the stress of my mother, the stress of my past, the stress that I put on myself to make sure that I make a life for Vincent and Mariska.  The stress that its the kids and I and I have to be everything.  The stresses that its me, that they don't have a dad that they are bringing that up more and more and I don't have any answers for them. 

Right now my heart hurts.  Its the holidays and my brother is not coming here for Christmas. That bothers me more than I would like to admit, because we laugh until our sides hurt and it feels so good.  I am getting paid back for doing what was right and staying here for thanksgiving.    I wanted it to be just the kids but for Vincent I asked my mother to come and spend Christmas morning with us.  I DID Not do this for me, I did it for Vincent.  As nasty as she has been to me, he misses her.  And having her close on Christmas will just plain hurt.  She is not kind to me and does not include Mariska unless its convenient.  This is everything that a family is not suppossed to be.  So I will be glad that my Vincent will be happy, and I will keep Mariska close.  Which brings us to the issue this morning.

Poor sweet Vincent melted this morning. We were talking about our plans for Christmas Eve and Vincent pipes in saying, "well, granny invited us to go to church with her ?" I responded a quick harsh no, that we were going to do something else.  He said well than can I go with her ? and this is where it got messy. This is where the truth hurts.

I told him no, that I was not going to that church, that people there have not been kind, I will not step foot in a place with people , my mother, that can post many christian godly things, talk about god and blessings  and still do the things that she has done.  I told him that I understood that he loved her but she has not been kind to me and I will not go to church with her.  I reminded him how I always talk about how you have to be the same all the time, whether you are at home or at church, and that you are the same person around people , you can not change to get your needs met.  I told him that granny has really hurt mom and that is not ok and I will not go to church with her. 

Wheh.......that truth hurts.  For Sweet Vincent I am so very sorry.

I am more than hurt by my mother and I am not sure there is anything left to save really.  I feel bad for her, what she is doing how she is treating me and my little family.  All the little jabs little comments to my children. She plays the oh poor me, everyone hates me card all the time.  Well your mom doesn't love me anymore, Well I hope I don't get crumbs for Christmas, well well well ......No the problem is that you didn't want us around more.  And I was blessed , for that to happen. I love her so very much that it just hurts to much to be around her. She has changed more than words,   I can send texts asking about the car, or if we need help and there is never a responce.  Car wouldn't start no responce.  Windshield wipers broke nothing.  There is just nothing there. She wants to turn me off and on whenever she feels the need and that just doesn't work for me.

So my focus needs to be on where I am going next.  I made it through this semester.  I made it, with all A's and a C in Math. I did it.  With help from people who care, people watching my kids before and after school,  with an amazing place to live, with money for gas, for kindness for caring I have somehow made it to where I am.  I am somehow still breathing.    I am somehow smiling most of the time. I am where I am suppossed to be, with the people that I am suppossed to be with.  I am so close to closing the door of college and graduating and doing what I love, what I know that I meant to do. These things are more than amazing, and I will be joyful for Vincent for Mariska and that we are meant to be happy, that there is great joy waiting for us around this new year corner.