Brick Walls

Bricks walls are not fun when you smash into them.  They are not fun to tear down and they often make a person want to turn away and find an easier route than facing them head on.  I have torn down so many of the brick walls that I have put around myself.  I have destroyed layers of bricks and lies but I am finding that there are a few remaining layers that are proving VERY VERY difficult.  You know a person can destroy the brick wall around them but they also have to remove all that goes with that layer that have their webs deep in their heart , way beyond the wall itself all the way to a persons core .  And that is where I am finding myself.

I find myself at these places where things are smooth and I think things are totally doable and BAM here comes my brick wall.  For me this time its my classes this semester.  I am giving everything I have and more and its not enough.  I have gone into Algebra the last two semesters being so positive knowing that student teaching is waiting for me on the other end and I  am not enough, I simply do not understand the harder I work the more it seems I fail.  And here is where I get stuck and the webs of the walls  I have torn down jump in to tell me I am not smart, not only not smart but pretty stinking stupid, I shouldn't teach and  maybe just maybe I need to think about some other options, I can't tell you the number of times I doubt myself each day that maybe I am not good enough or smart enough to teach....... 

BUT...........

I am so alive in the classroom, I absolutely love it.  I love the look on little faces when they totally understand.  I love the little hug you get when they are so glad you noticed them and their little heart.  I love every minute , I really mean each and every second of the days I am in school I am just beaming.  I love talking about different subjects and getting the kids opinions and thoughts, I love hearing their little voices get so excited sharing stories.  I love the pictures that I don't have a clue what they are but they are just so excited to make something for you.  I love the kid that always gets in trouble and whose smile can totally brighten your day.  I love to take that kid under my wing that doesn't have friends and needs someone to care.  I love that kid that asks questions all the time and just wants to know more.  I love that kid who tries so very hard and struggles still the same.  I love the kid that is so obnoxious you wish they weren't in your class, I love all those kids and I fear that I am never going to get there to be able to have my very own class of kids.

My first class Math for education majors is rough. I am working so so very hard and my best isn't cutting it.  I sit next to the smartest girl in the class who just gets it she doesn't have to think or work hard her brain just works that way.  Poor girl gets stuck next to me and I will get an answer and look at hers and go "How did you get that ?"  And very nicely she will tell me how and it makes sense but I take a test and I don't have a clue. My teacher says if you are not doing well then you have to work harder, study more but with me that's not the case and I don't have a clue what to do.  She laughs and says well Algebra is the reason that a lot of people don't get their degree, and is proud of herself knowing that instead of stepping in to help or offer suggestions.  My second class is Algebra and honestly its awful.  Its worse than a foreign language, its worse than anything I have known in school.  I spend hours I mean like 4 or 5 on one homework assignment, plus time in the lab and there is nothing my brain is fried.  I see the problems then see them on the test and I don't even have a clue where to begin.  

Of coarse all that on top of trying to keep everything up at home and taking care of Vincent and Mariska and everything else that's going on.  I am determined to pass and at this point I don't have a clue how because what I have isn't enough.  There just isn't enough of me and I totally feel like I keep smashing my head on that brick wall and I want to go really who am I kidding ?  Is this possible ?  And I think it has to be I am a single mom , what in the world am I supposed to do with out my degree , live in a van down by the river ?  Its so frustrating, and people have lives and families and its so very hard to ask for help because I feel guilty being stupid and for taking them away from their life and their families.  I should be able to get this, I should be able to at least pass a test and I can't.  I am almost halfway through the semester and have yet to pass a test.  I don't have a clue if I am going to pass either class and it hurts me, because I just want to teach.  I want to make a life for my children and I and I can't do that without passing Algebra or the other class.  So here is to hoping for some kind of miracle for me because I know there are kids for me to teach and to help.  Here's to hoping for the best and smashing this one HUGE brick wall in my life.

Justice .... Is there any here on Earth ?

You know last night I saw the headlines Sandusky to be sentenced tomorrow .  I have to admit there was a moment that my heart sank.  And Today my entire being feels like its been smashed into a brick wall.  Today in this moment  I just wish cases like this didn't exist.  My heart hurts on its own and it hurts for all of those affected, I wish that mean men would just die the second that they even think about commiting such unimaginable crimes.  But what I want and what I think really doesn't matter.  The truth is the crimes that steal childrens innocence happens all the time and more than we would like to think. Men , women and children are hurt by other people day after day so while there is all this attention on Sandusky there are many more mean men that no one will ever hear of.  There are hundreds even millions more victims that will be silent forever.

So they say he will get 30 to 60 years.  30-60 years for stealing souls and destroying lives. When you think ok the man is 68 hopefully he will die in prison alone, is that justice ?  We can lock him up and throw away the key.  Does that really solve anything ?  What does it all mean?  He can be locked up forever but nothing he did changes, no amount of time that he could spend in a little cell can replace all that he took away from those boys that looked up to him.  Locking him away will save future children and for that I am very grateful, but ........  still so many questions so many concerns.


Oh there are so many thoughts in my head and even this many years later the tears keep coming, My thoughts go out to the survivors.  My heart breaks today once again, as the journey of recovery begins for them. I can not tell you specifically how each of these survivors will react , what their life will be like going forward but  I know its a long and winding road and I hope that they find people that are kind and will walk beside them on this road as long as it may be. 

Today for me I am grateful that Sandusky will spend the rest of his life in jail as deserved and there is a part of me that is sad that my case didn't end up like this one.  My father got off on a lesser included offense and got probation.  He couldn't follow the rules and ended up serving close to a year in jail .  I have to say I was relieved when I knew he was in jail and I wished that terrible awful things would happen to him. For a quick second I thought ok this is justice he is going to be hurt like he hurt me... and I don't like that but I felt it and I was glad.  I thought that was going to be the key to make me feel whole, if he could be raped and understand what that was like.

Then I saw his mugshot. 

His gray hair, his thick glasses, he had this aqua blue shirt on, and he looked terrified.  I wish I never saw it, he looked so afriad no it was way more than afraid and I am the one that felt guilty because I was the one who put him there.  I saw him and felt so awful and so guilty and honestly I wanted to crawl out of my skin.  I absolutly hate that I feel anything for him, I wish that I hated him with my entire soul , I hate that I still have any feelings at all for him.  So justice..... is there any ?  I stood up and protected other children and he lives life with a girlfriend in a big house in Missouri ?  And me I am a single mom trying to keep my head above water .  My heart is absolutly broken.  I can say I am healing and I have come a really long way but oh my goodness my poor soul is exhausted. 

Is any amount of time in jail enough ?  Would I feel any different if my father got 60 years ?  I don't think so, nothing would change really  .  I have realized that I am still waiting for some kind of justice, some sense that things can be made right..... I am waiting for the moment when I can put my hands in the air and  close my eyes and spin around in my own skin and feel whole .   You know that Movie The Doctor when she is dancing in the desert and that amazing song is on Strange Angels  .... oh thats what I want, I want that moment.  I want to know that there is purpose and peace for me.  And I have to stop looking for something that I will never find here on earth. 

Today is one of those days where I feel all that there is yet to let go, every bone in my body wants to curl up in a ball and I want to scream at the world to stop, can't mean people just go away can't there just be more kindness.  All the chains that I have let go, I feel them when I hear so many talking about this case.  My heart is heavy and I wish that it wasn't.  My heart is sad and I wish that it wasn't.  I wish I didn't understand the road that those survivors are  beginning.  There has to be a reson why this is still so heavy on my heart, all the work I have done and its still taking its toll.  I worry people will think I am holding on to my past, that I am dwelling on it and that just isn't it, there are things people need to understand about me about others that are like me.   I would love to wipe my hands clean and pretend ok this is just another news story and I can't do that.  I will not do that.  I need to understand what I can do with my story so that it becomes something hopeful! Oh my heavy heart ....someday someday. 

~To all those survivors, I am so very sorry ~ I heart your heart~

The Little Pink Bike

I am not even sure where to begin, but I need to write .  Everything in my world seems upside down, it doesn't just seem it totally is and then I stop and watch my children jumping on the trampoline and all of the sudden everything is ok.  This is what I have always wanted.  Yesterday I finally finished assembling their net so they can use the trampoline and they were so excited so happy.  Vincents was all over the place doing flips and laughing the sun shining on his face.  Miss Mariska would jump like a frog and lay flat on her back exhausted then do it all over again.  Oh the joy that they bring to my heart and I can't imagine my life with out them and I realize that I love the life that I can give them, I love the little things in life that I can give them like joy and kindness.  They get to do the things I never got to do as a child.  They can smile and laugh and have happy hearts.  They don't have to hide, they don't fear the night, they don't cry themselves to sleep at night and all of these things that I can give them make me so very happy.

I can give them all the things I never had, and yet my heart still misses some of those things, some days.  Just every now and then there are those quiet times when I wonder what that would have been like for me.  Sometimes I still wonder what that would be like not be afraid.  To feel listened too, to laugh without worrying that its to loud and going to bother someone.  Its crazy my prayer at 5 was to die , not to have to live through another night and then I hear the prayers of my children for the people around them and for me to pass Algebra, and to save the whales and I am grateful to have made it here.  I make sure every child I am ever around feels that safety and protection that I never had.  And its this month about 12 years ago that I took the ultimate step and pressed charges on my father. 

I can remember finding out that he was going to get remarried and it made me sick and I heard that she had a young daughter.  My heart sank, I wanted to find his house and see if it was true.  So on a rainy cold Saturday morning I was on a mission to find his house. I looked for hours through different neighborhoods and little did I know it was right up the road from me.   I found it, and it was closer than I ever imagined, and as we drove by there was an empty fish tank on the porch then there was this little pink tricycle and my heart broke.  I can still see it so very clear, and it still makes me cry.  My first and only thought was that I had to keep her safe.  Its one thing that he hurt me, its one thing to be abused but to know its happening to someone else, I was NEVER going to let that happen.   I was a rape crisis counselor at the time and I asked the legal advocate what I could do to keep her safe.  Basically my word meant nothing , I could tell the world what he did to me but that still wouldn't keep her safe, so my only option was to report him.  At that moment there was no time to think or even feel I knew that I had to keep her safe, I knew exactly what I had to do.

I was a nanny at the time in Plano and I called the police department in the city that I lived in and said that I needed to press charges on my father and asked what I needed to do.  My voice was shaking, I was so afraid, I was watching it unfold from the outside not really even being in my body.  I remember the receptionist kinda laughing like this was a prank call or something. I wanted to scream at her like she didn't understand the seriousness of what I was wanting to know.  She said well " You will have to come in and file a report ", there was no thoughts I just said thank you hung up the phone and Drove to the police station in The Colony that same night.  As soon as I heard her voice in the Lobby I knew the woman on the phone was the same person I was now face to face with.  I looked at her and said I am here to file a report against my father.  Her jaw dropped,Her smile was gone, she had finally realized this was something serious she told me to take a seat that an officer would be right with me.  It was surreal sitting there. There was all this laughing and commotion then they realize the seriousness of my being there and things changed fast.  I could see different officers keep looking out the window, the glares, the whispers and all I could see was that little pink bike.  I can remember an officer saying well we have to find a female officer, and blah blah blah.  What felt like forever they finally took me back to a room.  They left the door open slightly and I could hear all their comments, and snide remarks  well why is she doing this now ? Is she telling the truth ?  IS she trying to repay him ?  blah blah blah how about you talk to me and find out !  I went there to tell them the truth about my father and to keep little Angela safe and so the journey began .

They finally found a female officer and sent her in, I am not sure she had ever done anything like this before, but then who has right ?  She asked why I wanted to do this and I told her about the bike and me being abused was one thing but someone else I  just couldn't let that happen.  Time was standing still as we talked .  She actually tried to talk me out of it, I was shocked.  She said that she was abused but she forgave the person and everything was ok. I couldn't look at her face, I remember her hands, they were small and she picked at her fingers her cuticles were a mess, kinda funny the things you notice at times like these.  I can remember feeling so very angry like you didn't see that pink bike her innocence is going to be lost and she will never be the same if we can't keep her safe.   So she came in with her paperwork and they ask their questions you have to tell them all that was done and where and how and how many times.  They have to ask you such awful questions and like a robot I answered them all and she wrote the details of my life from 5 to 13.  Then she said I would need to write a statement.  I was numb, my only thoughts were that pink bike and keeping her safe.  I could hear them talking about me in the hall, and I started to cry, but only a little I had a job to do, I didn't matter, I just had to write it all down, so they could understand and do something to keep little Angela safe.  I was there for what felt like forever. I had gotten more awful stares and whispers that I could have ever imagine but I had finally done something to make sure that no other little girl would be hurt by my father.  The police Officer said that a detective would get in touch with me soon and that she hoped this is what I really wanted to do that I had time to basically cancel my report.  I said thank you and left the police station. I was so alone and so afraid, I just wanted to keep her safe it was too late for me, I was already broken but maybe just maybe I could save her and someday she would understand that I did everything I could for her.  

So the very next day I get the call from my detective. Det. Chris Plemmons.  My heart was pounding out of my chest, I didn't know what he would want, if I could say all the things that needed to be said and his first words to me "  How are you doing ?"  I was shocked he wasn't at all like the police officers from the night before he was kind and caring and I didn't have a clue how I was doing but I knew that someone cared enough to ask.   He was the only reason I made it through my case.  He is now a captain but to me in my heart he is my Det. Plemmons. And I will always heart his heart.

I am so very glad that I pressed Charges for Angela, I loved her from the moment that I saw that little pink bike.  Today she is in High school and has had a few rough spots but she didn't have to grow up with my father.  I testified for her and that was the hardest thing I have ever done but I would do it all over again to keep her safe.  For me I don't know, that time was so hard and it still hurts.  I was working as a nanny full time, going to school full time it was my first semester at UNT , life was crazy.  But I did what I wanted to do, I was able to help keep her safe.  People have said well you made the choice to press charges , but for me there was no choice it was just the right thing to do.

I sometimes feel guilty that I accepted a plea, after almost 2 years I was so exhausted, and I just couldn't do it anymore on my own.  There just wasn't enough of me.  I remember the DA showing me the courtroom and where everyone would be sitting and the fear, the sadness was huge.  During the whole process it was about keeping Angela safe but what about me ?  I never once thought of me until the I saw that witness stand.

I hope when my children learn this story some day that they will be proud.  I hope they can understand that I did all that I could and I hope from the very bottom of my heart they know that I will protect and keep them safe with all that I am and all I will ever be.

Things yet to work on HA imagine that. Welcome to my life, but those that have helped along the way, I am grateful. If anyone even reads this I am grateful.  I feel those days, those moments in the police station still in my heart but someday I won't.  I will remember the feelings but it won't be like being in that room .  So yesterday as I sat watching my children I think, wow look how far my life has come, and at least I can give what I never got.