Brick Walls

Bricks walls are not fun when you smash into them.  They are not fun to tear down and they often make a person want to turn away and find an easier route than facing them head on.  I have torn down so many of the brick walls that I have put around myself.  I have destroyed layers of bricks and lies but I am finding that there are a few remaining layers that are proving VERY VERY difficult.  You know a person can destroy the brick wall around them but they also have to remove all that goes with that layer that have their webs deep in their heart , way beyond the wall itself all the way to a persons core .  And that is where I am finding myself.

I find myself at these places where things are smooth and I think things are totally doable and BAM here comes my brick wall.  For me this time its my classes this semester.  I am giving everything I have and more and its not enough.  I have gone into Algebra the last two semesters being so positive knowing that student teaching is waiting for me on the other end and I  am not enough, I simply do not understand the harder I work the more it seems I fail.  And here is where I get stuck and the webs of the walls  I have torn down jump in to tell me I am not smart, not only not smart but pretty stinking stupid, I shouldn't teach and  maybe just maybe I need to think about some other options, I can't tell you the number of times I doubt myself each day that maybe I am not good enough or smart enough to teach....... 

BUT...........

I am so alive in the classroom, I absolutely love it.  I love the look on little faces when they totally understand.  I love the little hug you get when they are so glad you noticed them and their little heart.  I love every minute , I really mean each and every second of the days I am in school I am just beaming.  I love talking about different subjects and getting the kids opinions and thoughts, I love hearing their little voices get so excited sharing stories.  I love the pictures that I don't have a clue what they are but they are just so excited to make something for you.  I love the kid that always gets in trouble and whose smile can totally brighten your day.  I love to take that kid under my wing that doesn't have friends and needs someone to care.  I love that kid that asks questions all the time and just wants to know more.  I love that kid who tries so very hard and struggles still the same.  I love the kid that is so obnoxious you wish they weren't in your class, I love all those kids and I fear that I am never going to get there to be able to have my very own class of kids.

My first class Math for education majors is rough. I am working so so very hard and my best isn't cutting it.  I sit next to the smartest girl in the class who just gets it she doesn't have to think or work hard her brain just works that way.  Poor girl gets stuck next to me and I will get an answer and look at hers and go "How did you get that ?"  And very nicely she will tell me how and it makes sense but I take a test and I don't have a clue. My teacher says if you are not doing well then you have to work harder, study more but with me that's not the case and I don't have a clue what to do.  She laughs and says well Algebra is the reason that a lot of people don't get their degree, and is proud of herself knowing that instead of stepping in to help or offer suggestions.  My second class is Algebra and honestly its awful.  Its worse than a foreign language, its worse than anything I have known in school.  I spend hours I mean like 4 or 5 on one homework assignment, plus time in the lab and there is nothing my brain is fried.  I see the problems then see them on the test and I don't even have a clue where to begin.  

Of coarse all that on top of trying to keep everything up at home and taking care of Vincent and Mariska and everything else that's going on.  I am determined to pass and at this point I don't have a clue how because what I have isn't enough.  There just isn't enough of me and I totally feel like I keep smashing my head on that brick wall and I want to go really who am I kidding ?  Is this possible ?  And I think it has to be I am a single mom , what in the world am I supposed to do with out my degree , live in a van down by the river ?  Its so frustrating, and people have lives and families and its so very hard to ask for help because I feel guilty being stupid and for taking them away from their life and their families.  I should be able to get this, I should be able to at least pass a test and I can't.  I am almost halfway through the semester and have yet to pass a test.  I don't have a clue if I am going to pass either class and it hurts me, because I just want to teach.  I want to make a life for my children and I and I can't do that without passing Algebra or the other class.  So here is to hoping for some kind of miracle for me because I know there are kids for me to teach and to help.  Here's to hoping for the best and smashing this one HUGE brick wall in my life.