I can give them all the things I never had, and yet my heart still misses some of those things, some days. Just every now and then there are those quiet times when I wonder what that would have been like for me. Sometimes I still wonder what that would be like not be afraid. To feel listened too, to laugh without worrying that its to loud and going to bother someone. Its crazy my prayer at 5 was to die , not to have to live through another night and then I hear the prayers of my children for the people around them and for me to pass Algebra, and to save the whales and I am grateful to have made it here. I make sure every child I am ever around feels that safety and protection that I never had. And its this month about 12 years ago that I took the ultimate step and pressed charges on my father.
I can remember finding out that he was going to get remarried and it made me sick and I heard that she had a young daughter. My heart sank, I wanted to find his house and see if it was true. So on a rainy cold Saturday morning I was on a mission to find his house. I looked for hours through different neighborhoods and little did I know it was right up the road from me. I found it, and it was closer than I ever imagined, and as we drove by there was an empty fish tank on the porch then there was this little pink tricycle and my heart broke. I can still see it so very clear, and it still makes me cry. My first and only thought was that I had to keep her safe. Its one thing that he hurt me, its one thing to be abused but to know its happening to someone else, I was NEVER going to let that happen. I was a rape crisis counselor at the time and I asked the legal advocate what I could do to keep her safe. Basically my word meant nothing , I could tell the world what he did to me but that still wouldn't keep her safe, so my only option was to report him. At that moment there was no time to think or even feel I knew that I had to keep her safe, I knew exactly what I had to do.
I was a nanny at the time in Plano and I called the police department in the city that I lived in and said that I needed to press charges on my father and asked what I needed to do. My voice was shaking, I was so afraid, I was watching it unfold from the outside not really even being in my body. I remember the receptionist kinda laughing like this was a prank call or something. I wanted to scream at her like she didn't understand the seriousness of what I was wanting to know. She said well " You will have to come in and file a report ", there was no thoughts I just said thank you hung up the phone and Drove to the police station in The Colony that same night. As soon as I heard her voice in the Lobby I knew the woman on the phone was the same person I was now face to face with. I looked at her and said I am here to file a report against my father. Her jaw dropped,Her smile was gone, she had finally realized this was something serious she told me to take a seat that an officer would be right with me. It was surreal sitting there. There was all this laughing and commotion then they realize the seriousness of my being there and things changed fast. I could see different officers keep looking out the window, the glares, the whispers and all I could see was that little pink bike. I can remember an officer saying well we have to find a female officer, and blah blah blah. What felt like forever they finally took me back to a room. They left the door open slightly and I could hear all their comments, and snide remarks well why is she doing this now ? Is she telling the truth ? IS she trying to repay him ? blah blah blah how about you talk to me and find out ! I went there to tell them the truth about my father and to keep little Angela safe and so the journey began .
They finally found a female officer and sent her in, I am not sure she had ever done anything like this before, but then who has right ? She asked why I wanted to do this and I told her about the bike and me being abused was one thing but someone else I just couldn't let that happen. Time was standing still as we talked . She actually tried to talk me out of it, I was shocked. She said that she was abused but she forgave the person and everything was ok. I couldn't look at her face, I remember her hands, they were small and she picked at her fingers her cuticles were a mess, kinda funny the things you notice at times like these. I can remember feeling so very angry like you didn't see that pink bike her innocence is going to be lost and she will never be the same if we can't keep her safe. So she came in with her paperwork and they ask their questions you have to tell them all that was done and where and how and how many times. They have to ask you such awful questions and like a robot I answered them all and she wrote the details of my life from 5 to 13. Then she said I would need to write a statement. I was numb, my only thoughts were that pink bike and keeping her safe. I could hear them talking about me in the hall, and I started to cry, but only a little I had a job to do, I didn't matter, I just had to write it all down, so they could understand and do something to keep little Angela safe. I was there for what felt like forever. I had gotten more awful stares and whispers that I could have ever imagine but I had finally done something to make sure that no other little girl would be hurt by my father. The police Officer said that a detective would get in touch with me soon and that she hoped this is what I really wanted to do that I had time to basically cancel my report. I said thank you and left the police station. I was so alone and so afraid, I just wanted to keep her safe it was too late for me, I was already broken but maybe just maybe I could save her and someday she would understand that I did everything I could for her.
So the very next day I get the call from my detective. Det. Chris Plemmons. My heart was pounding out of my chest, I didn't know what he would want, if I could say all the things that needed to be said and his first words to me " How are you doing ?" I was shocked he wasn't at all like the police officers from the night before he was kind and caring and I didn't have a clue how I was doing but I knew that someone cared enough to ask. He was the only reason I made it through my case. He is now a captain but to me in my heart he is my Det. Plemmons. And I will always heart his heart.
I am so very glad that I pressed Charges for Angela, I loved her from the moment that I saw that little pink bike. Today she is in High school and has had a few rough spots but she didn't have to grow up with my father. I testified for her and that was the hardest thing I have ever done but I would do it all over again to keep her safe. For me I don't know, that time was so hard and it still hurts. I was working as a nanny full time, going to school full time it was my first semester at UNT , life was crazy. But I did what I wanted to do, I was able to help keep her safe. People have said well you made the choice to press charges , but for me there was no choice it was just the right thing to do.
I sometimes feel guilty that I accepted a plea, after almost 2 years I was so exhausted, and I just couldn't do it anymore on my own. There just wasn't enough of me. I remember the DA showing me the courtroom and where everyone would be sitting and the fear, the sadness was huge. During the whole process it was about keeping Angela safe but what about me ? I never once thought of me until the I saw that witness stand.
I hope when my children learn this story some day that they will be proud. I hope they can understand that I did all that I could and I hope from the very bottom of my heart they know that I will protect and keep them safe with all that I am and all I will ever be.
Things yet to work on HA imagine that. Welcome to my life, but those that have helped along the way, I am grateful. If anyone even reads this I am grateful. I feel those days, those moments in the police station still in my heart but someday I won't. I will remember the feelings but it won't be like being in that room . So yesterday as I sat watching my children I think, wow look how far my life has come, and at least I can give what I never got.
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