Welcome to ME

Well, A few months back I asked what people thought about me writing blog.  Well TaDa ! Here it is , your doing cartwheels now right ? ok so you are not, thats ok.  I am not a great writer but there are so many things in my heart and in my head that need to be shared.   I promise that I don't have any great advise or anything but there is just so much for me to say. Kinda funny starting it now when there are so many things up in the air for me but if I wait until everything is perfect, everything is in its place and I find all the answers I am looking for then it will never happen. So Welcome to my heart. And since the is my very first blog, make a wish.  Because the first time you do something you always have to        make a wish.  So close your eyes take a second and make that wish.

I totally understand that I am weird and I see things different but I hope that maybe my writing will at least make people think.  I don't fit in many places, or with many people,  I am kinda a dork, I have this crazy passion for whales, I am not the life of the party, I am not a big person for groups but thats me. I was never the popular one, I was the one always wanting to just fade in. I am totally a crier, I cry all the time and wonder sometimes if thats my normal state or maybe just the tears I have never cried, still trying to figure that out.  My entire life I have tried to change how I see things, how I view the world around me and its really only brought stress and anxiety and made me feel more alone.   I keep trying to make myself fit into some kind of Normal that I know nothing about.  Growing up the way that I did, was truly crazy making and its a miracle , I mean truly and honestly  a miracle that I am the person I am today.  I praubably shouldn't even be alive but I am ; I am still  breathing, and I have a heart that is healing.  It may take me a very long time to say that I am truly healed but I believe that I am on the right track and moving forward.

I have come a really long way in the past two years and I often forget just how far that I have come.  Things happen and I feel a certain way and I get so angry that my heart still hurts, that I can't stop crying.  My life is what it is and some days that is easier to accept than others.  I am  pretty much an open book, I am so tired of hiding of keepings things quiet.  There are a lot of reasons why I do some of the crazy things I do.  I must warn you my life isn't pretty so in reading this you may find out things that you don't like or don't want to know and thats ok then just don't read it.  This is as real as life gets. This is about my story and how I have gotten where I am today.

There is this story that got me through my early twenties in a Book named Peace is every Step by a Buddist monk : Thich Nach Hahn.  Oh that book kept me going kept me connected to life and made me believe that things were going to be ok.  The story in it about a dandylion. It gave me hope  and literally kept me sane.

I have lost my smile
but don't worry.
the dandelion has it.

 

Its like even if you are able to see the small things in life, even if you can see that the dandelion is holding it for you then there is hope and things are not so bad.  All through my life there were things I was given to help me hold on to make it through another day.  Today I still totally love that story and it warms my heart.  I will always notice the dandelions around me.  Today I have people in my life that are my dandelions and all I have to say is that I heart your heart and am grateful.

So here is about me, my story my craziness but oh how I wish it makes you think and that you listen to your heart....